I love and am very attracted to my wife of 18 years. She says she is still in love with me and we are still married today. We enjoyed good sex most of the time as well as a lot of intimacy together for the first 16 years of our 18 year marraige.

Well, 1 year or so ago my wife found out I lied to her about something she suspected for years. I did tell her about it in the first year or two we were married but that it was a childhood experience when I was young and no longer an issue. Lets just call it a wierd childhood cloths fetish that I'd outgrown.

Flash forward 15 years of marriage since that discussion and our sex life had suffered some like many mid fourty something marraiges with age, jobs, children, youth sports, etc... My wife grew tied of sex wth me and we had sex about once per month. I need sex more than that and began "improvising". Not cheating with someone though. However, I drifted back to that "childhood thing" a few times. I left it in my computer browser by accident and she saw it. Yes I did this a few times 5-10 times over the years when things were bad or struggling with us or work but in no way all the time. It's seems like a place I go when I lose confidence in myself. She did suspect it a few times in that 16 years but I lied and she believed me. I know I'm ranting so please forgive me.

So 1 year or so since this discovery on the computer and she hasn't had sex with me since. Says she can't do it with "knowing what you are" I love her and have been patient and I know she has been more than understanding. She could have left/threw me out. Over the first few months I thought she was.

I now have more confidence in her love and comitment to our family, marraige and life together. I'm concerned that one or both of us will get tired of this no sex arrangement and cheat. Should I wait it out or push the issue to at least share some intimacy to save our marraige.

Thanks for any help!!!!

You are very vague as to what you 'issue' is and I respect that. But, it seems to me that in order for your wife to really believe that you are willing to do whatever it takes to restore her love/faith/trust in you, you must do something to make it right. How about going to some type of counselor to help with your 'issue'. It's not really gone if you revert back to 'it' whenever you are stressed or sad.
As a woman, I can tell you that whatever my husband may do that does NOT include me (regarding sex), I'd find unacceptable. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not closed minded...but I'd like to be the actual person who he enjoy fulfillment with. She'd most likely hurt and feeling replaced/betrayed.

First of all I'm not sure about your fetish. You called it a "cloth fetish?" Did you mean "clothes fetish?" What were you looking at on the computer?

If you were only having sex once a month, it sounds to me like your wife wasn't that interested in doing it to being with. This could be just an excuse so she can blame you for her own disinterest in her own sexuality.

Personally I think you have a communication problem. A marriage should be a safe place to fall and your's obviously has not been if you could not discuss you clothing fetish with her. Are you ashamed of it? I hope you realize that MOST people have some kind of a clothing fetish. I love the feel and smell of leather. My husband is aroused by a woman in a short-skirted business suit with a neck tie. He also likes anything silky and sheer that comes in contact with the genitalia. My brother-in law collects nail polish and paints his wife's toes. We live in New England and he's have her wear high-heel sandals in the snow, if he could. It's become the family joke.

pieta,

You kind of nailed it with the silky material and the genetalia. I think she wants me to tell her I'm a crossdresser and I'm not. I figured that out 25-30 years ago. But it's like until I say I'm a crossdresser that she thinks I'm lieing. I'd lie if I said I was.

So it's no sex and possible or eventual cheating and divorce? Or I must gain her trust & understanding of who I am. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. She hasn't budged in 15 months.

We are scheduling vacations and she does speak of future endeavors which gives me hope. Then when I try to hug or kiss her for more than 2 seconds she pulls back.

Fiori,

I agree she feels betrayed, confused and is angry. I have gone out of my way all of the time to help around the house and with the kids for a year now. I constantly think of ways to show her how much I love, want and need her. But, since her hugs and kisses last 2 seconds and then she pulls back it's kind of hard to show her my desires. I've told her so but it falls on def hears.

The sad thing is our love and passion for eachother was the envy of our friends. We always did things together, held hands, kissed, etc... We always treated eachother well. Until I effed it all up.

From anyones experience, does the fact that we are still together 15 months later give me any hope?

It sounds to me like your wife has a very narrow view of sexuality because she is relatively asexual herself. I don't think you are weird--I think you are the healthy one. You were deprived of sex and went looking for something "safe" to stimulate yourself with. I am sure you would have preferred it if your wife dressed herself up in something silky, sheer and alluring and used you to sexually gratify herself.

I would recommend two things. Read the material here about making your half of the marriage better. I'm proof that when you start being a better partner, your spouse will reciprocate. Learn about Love Busters and Emotional Needs, and start doing what you need to become the best husband she could possibly want. You have to get over that hurdle first. You have to give her so much reason to stay that it's no longer even a thought to leave. That this one issue, compared to all you do, is just that - a little issue. This can take some time, but get started now. It's not something you announce, just something you do. Share the housework. Talk to her about herself. Pay attention to her. Find new things for the two of you, and for the family, to do, to re-invigorate your family life and make it more appealing - get out of the rut you're in. I can help a lot with that, if you like. Find out what you do that she doesn't like, and stop doing it! (Love Busters) Find out what she wants but isn't getting, and do it! (Emotional Needs) Above all, talk! Talk, talk, and more talk. About her, about you, the kids, politics, ecology, jobs, dreams, disappointments, family...become her best friend again.

Work on that for awhile. Then, once things are better, find a way to recommend counseling for this one issue, or more, if she wants to cover more topics. I agree, she probably has some issue with your SF time, and it needs to be discussed in a safe, nonjudgmental way. But you have to be in a better place as a family first.

Catperson,

Thanks for the sound advice. I agree and have been making every effort for the last year to do more around the house and I have but not sure she notices or at least will not acknowledge it.

There are some love busters that she has constantly busted on me about lately, only since this incident, which is interesting. Guess she had more love for me then... Chewing too loud, or talking with food in my mouth. I will need to make an effort to get better.

We have remodeled our kitchen which was a dream of hers for 8 years and we did all of that together. My wife, kids and I all enjoy the new kitchen and spend more time together there now. I guess all of that plus 16 years of a loving solid marraige together has all helped get us this far. I recently tried to get her to open up more with intimacy but she said no. Period. "I don't know who you are and am not risking you lieing to me again."

I'll continue being the best I can be but it's lonely and heart breaking for me and her "I think". I think she enjoys being in control and holding out on me. It could backfire on us though and I don't think she realizes that.

Of course she's in control. You are turning into her dream husband AND now she even has an excuse not to have to have sex.

You have a communication problem. You need to sit her down and say "I am a human being who has human needs. Like 99.9 percent of all healthy men, one of these needs is to have sex with my wife. I've tried to be loving and patient but I cannot go without it any more. What do you want to do about it?"

I love ya Pieta for siding with me but let's face it I have lied to her many times about this over the course of 18 years. I need to realize how shocked and hurt she is. For some reason she feels that having no sex with me is protecting her in some way. Like if someday she finds me dancing in the bedroom in a tutu or something she'll be less hurt, I don't know.

My plan is to continue to be good to her, show her I love her & ask the question of sex with her again in month or two. I love her and enjoy her company. I'm not looking for conflict, I'm looking to resolve it.

Thanks