My husband and I have been married for 6 years. He is verbally abusive... I am constantly spoken to in a sarcastic and critical manner. Nothing that I do is right or good enough and EVERYTHING is my fault. I have tried to be agreeable (even if I'm not) and cater to his ego. I have tried defending my actions with reason and logic. I have tried walking away. I have tried being silent and "attentive". Anything that I do (or don't do) seems to just enrage him. It's as though my mere presence is fuel to his fire. It isn't alway like this... he's also very affectionate and loving at times. I have attempted to discuss his erratic behavior with him but that just makes him angry... according to him, it is my fault for some reason or either he has some excuse for his abuse (I've had a long day... I'm tired... etc.). I need advice!!! I don't want to end up divorced... What can I do to put an end to his verbal abuse?

Time to nip this one in the bud.

DO NOT TOLERATE IT!

This is what you say. It is a multi-part formula:

1. First you say something affectionate/affirming: You are a wonderful husband and I love you dearly
2. Next you pre-validate: You probably have some perfectly valid reasons for acting this way
3. You state your boundary: But I cannot tolerate being talked to in this tone of voice/this belittling way/yelled at like this/called names like this, ect.
4. State the consequences: I cannot respect you and love you if you talk this way to me

If his response to this is something else that upsets you or just doesn't feel right, simply and calmly repeat the formula. After three times, walk away if he doesn't calm down.

Hi SundaeGirl
Verbal abuse is very wearing. Instead of appeasing, you need to draw yourself a nice thick boundary line with verbal abuse firmly outside it for ever more.

A statement like ' I know I have tolerated xyz in the past but I have found that it is causing massive leakage of love units. As I wish to stay married, I want to protect the remaining love units by no longer tolerating this behaviour'.

Don't expect this to be enough as this has become a habit which he probably does not even notice himself doing.

So decide between you on a good code word and use it every time he starts. If this does not stop the behaviour, leave the room immediately. Be sure to come back after 20 minutes and explain what went wrong and why you left. Rinse and repeat.

I'm reading Dr Harley's Love Busters book at the moment. I strongly recommend this as you will see his behaviour clearly described under Disrespectful Judgements which lead to Angry Outbursts. Leave it lying around after you have read it. You never know!

Two words. Duct tape. Comes in many different colors now, and you can probably change it out according to what he's wearing for the day.

Just kidding, of course.

I had a similar marriage and learned to stop defending myself. It seemed to make matters worse. He would dismiss me, not want to hear me out.

My advice is to walk away. I know you said you've tried that, but you have to be consistent. He has to learn that he won't have your attention when he starts yelling.

He also needs to know at the onset that what he's saying - either his tone or WHAT he's saying is hurting you. It doesn't have to be a big long explanation, just "Ouch." or "That hurts."

So typical scenario:

Him: "Don't you ever use your head? I told you to mail that *&^%^& bill, and you didn't do it."

You: "Wow. That really hurts. I can't stand here and listen when you're like this. I'm going to clean the bedroom. When you're feeling better, maybe we can talk about it in a civil manner."

Him: Follows you to the bedroom and starts in again.

You: "I'd love to talk to you about it. When you can talk to me in a normal, nonabusive tone, I'll be willing to listen. Until then, I have a ton of things to do." Then you leave and go to another room to clean or do something else.

If you have to, take a walk outside, or go run an errand.

Now...here's the thing...when he IS civil, he needs to be rewarded. You need to:


[list]
[*]Maintain eye contact
[*]Not interrupt
[*]Listen attentively, nod, and give short answers to keep him talking.
[*]Mirror what he has said e.g. "So, what you're saying is the bill was already late and now I made the situation worse..(fill in the blank.)" This makes him sure that you heard him.
[*]Validate what he said. "You're upset because I forgot this and it was important to you. I'll send it out tomorrow. In fact, I'll put it right on top of my coffee mug so I don't forget."

The idea is to NOT give him any attention when he's being an a$$. If you do, then that's telling him that he can be an a$$ and it has no consequences. It's like giving candy to a 6-year-old just because they're crying. You don't know WHY they're crying until they calm down and explain why.

You know, it sounds like your H is into a control drama. A classic control drama is when you go to buy a car and two salesmen gang up on you in a "good cop, bad cop" routine. Sometimes just naming the drama helps. You say to them, "Come on guys, are you trying to pull the good cop bad cop routine on me?" Most of the time they give up.

My W rarely does AOs or DJs, so I generally do this technique outside of a marriage relationship. I have no idea if this will work with your husband. It's not the easiest thing to pull off when you are upset either.

It goes something like this:

H: Why can't you keep this house clean?
W: (In an non judemental, non emotional manner) Why do you feel the need to criticize my housekeeping?

There you have named his drama. He wants to control through criticism. If you try to defend, you play into his control drama.

continuing ....

H: Because I am tired of this house being so filty when I get home.
W: So you are saying that the important thing to you is that the house is clean?

The convo is about to take a turn here. H can either admit that his problem is that he wants to criticize you, or he can go with the suggestion that a clean house is what he really wants. If he goes with clean house, you can ask to respectfully discuss ways of making it happen. If this is a control drama, he will go for the throat, but progess does occur....

H: No, my problem is that you sit around all day doing nothing and the house is a wreck.
W: So you do feel the need to criticize me.

Whether he realizes it or not, he has just admitted that his issue is one of control. so then...

H: Why shouldn't I criticize you? You don't hold up your end.
W: I feel unloved when you criticize me, that nothing I do will ever be good enough. It makes me sad.

Depending on how strong his need to control is, this could go on for a while. The key is not to defend, which gives in to the drama, and to keep naming the drama, keep it coming back to the main issue. Like I said, if this is NOT a control drama, the LBs should stop pretty quickly.

It's not a solution for wimps. You have to stay strong, not back down, and keep yourself out of the drama, and the convo on the main idea.

If this doesn't work for you, by all means, walk away.

YMMV