I have a pretty lengthy topic on here already about my own personal situation, and I have gotten some great advice on helping me get through this time. To make a long story short, I am the cheating spouse. She's willing to work to try to fix, but we're a long way away from that. As of right now, we're about 3 months in. No contact, but still somewhat foggy and confused. No kids involved at all.

But, I would also like to get some of the same type of help on how to help my wife get through this time. I think eventually she might find a place such as this, but right now she is seeking help from her friends, family, and IC. Part of the problem that we have always had in our marriage is the avoidance of conflict or discussing difficult topics with one another. That is kind of playing itself out again, which is completely understandable. But, whenever she does talk about the affair, then I know that I have to answer all of her questions. Really its just a search for why, and that's really difficult for me to tell her why because there aren't any good answers to that question, but I try to tell her as best I can. I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me as far as to what I should do to help her at this time. I'm basically just going with the approach of doing whatever she wants, which given the circumstances really seems to be the least I could do. I know more than anything else that she just wants the man that she married back, but she also wants to feel the same way about me that she once did.

The other thing that I need help with is how to help us reconnect. We're working on finding jobs in another city to get away from our current location with the other woman. But, that's not an overnight process obviously. I know that both of us would be so much better if we could just go out and have fun. She's not exactly in the mood for that. To be honest, I have a great deal of anxiety whenever we do that because I'm so scared we're going to bump into the other woman, and I just want to do everything I can to never encounter her ever again. If we go to dinner, I'm literally looking over my shoulder to see if she's there or walked in.

So, if anyone is willing or able to help -- share stories, tips, favorite books that they've read, anything -- then I would really appreciate it. I just think more than anything else we really need to re-connect emotionally, physically, etc. and we're having a difficult time.

Send her here. I don't know anything that you can do to help her get through this as well as someone who have been there.

You can spend 15 hours a week doing fun things. Make a plan that if you see the OW, you will leave.

Have you sent the OW a no contact letter?

I agree, send her here. We will embrace her and help her thru her pain. It means more than I can adequately describe to finally realize that all of the feelings the BS (she) is having and all of the stages of recovery she will experience are completely normal.

I think that it is especially important for her to be prepared in some way for the ups and downs. Some days she is going to feel great, happy and very hopeful. Others she is going to feel sad, others angry, and some days she is going to wonder if she is just plain crazy for not kicking you to the curb.

It will help her to come here and vent.

Who

I agree with believer and whome, you should have your wife come here for support, there are a lot of people here that can help her come to terms with all of this.

You also need to change your time of no contact, as I understood on your other thread that it has been only a week or so since you went online and looked at ex ow with a new boyfriend. That, my friend, is what we on MB consider contact, and every time you do that it sends your recovery back to day one.

If you want to reignite your marriage stop looking at the ow. You will not even begin to start recovery until that stops. How will you ever get out of the fog or get thru withdrawl if you are doing this? This could be one of the main reasons you cannot reignite your in love feelings for your wife.

What have you done to make your wife feel safe?

Hope you get some more ideas.

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

And goto a Marriage Builders Weekend.

I've told her about this place, and how its helped me. Honestly, she just doesn't want to talk about it a whole lot right now. I think she knows this is here for her if she decides she wants it. She is getting a lot of good support from her friends, one of whom has been through this, so that's a little more personal to her.

There was no need to send a no contact. The other woman got tired of waiting and told me not to have any contact. I was already over two months from having actual contact with her when I first heard of the concept of a no contact letter. It didn't seem like that was something that would serve any purpose at that point.

As is accurately stated by another post, I have not had any actual or physical contact with the other woman since early January. I did have contact with her by viewing an online profile several weeks ago, which is a setback that brought me to MB. I did not realize that was contact at the time, but I realize now the damage that it can do.

I found the book Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver to be helpful (although predominantly Christian-faith recovery). It talks about their experiences through the recovery process.

I think Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley is another great resource...for you as well as for her.

The people here are so insightful. They are in the thick of it and can really help.

Good luck.

Your comment about your wife looking for the "why" is right on. I realized as I would ask for details of the A, that even when I had more information, I felt empty. I was searching for the one piece of missing information that would make it all make sense. And it just won't. There is no good reason. My FWH and I are working together with a MC to look at ways to strengthen our M, but we are not trying to "explain" the A. We are working on the hedges that will make our M impermeable to the next afront.

A couple more thoughts...

These are things my FWH has been doing for me and it has been helpful:

He calls me at least five times a day to "check in" and see how I'm doing. He makes time to talk if I need to.

He makes himself completely available to me every night (i.e. not sitting and watching TV but asking ME what I'd like to do).

We've been working hard on just talking...we're using the Personal History Questionnaire and going through it verbally as a discussion starter some nights.

He makes sure to give me hugs and kisses when he leaves/comes home.

He calls me to let me know if his schedule changes AT ALL.

He gave me ALL passwords/codes for everything WITHOUT MY ASKING. He said he wanted me to know I could look whenever I wanted.

He answers all of my questions...over and over...and he makes himself available to support me if the answers hurt. He does ask me sometimes if I really want to know a detail before he tells me, but only because there have been details that I asked for, he answered and then I regretted knowing.

I would still suggest a NC letter...mostly because the letter is not just for OW. It is a tangible commitment from you to no longer have contact or accept contact with OW. It is something that states your feelings about your marriage and your desire to rebuild it.

I think a NC letter is important. That way your W doesn't have to worry that if the OW decides she wants to talk with you, she can. You have made it clear from your side that it is over.

I just try to answer all of her questions and be there for her when she needs me. I call her multiple times a day, email her constantly at work, and stuff like that. She has all passwords, etc. and access to all email and cell phones.

She just wants her husband back, the guy that she married, and I want desperately to be able to give that to her. You've read my other thread, so you know I'm a long way from getting there though.

I wish I could give her a why. I wish I knew a why. But, in reality, there is no good "why" and I feel like trying to give it a "why" would almost sound like an excuse. I work with my IC on the "why" as a protection from it happening again, almost as a way to see the warning signs and avoiding it in the future.

Thank you for your tips. I already do some of those things.

For example, I call my wife at least 5 times a day. The best part about it is that its not because I'm doing it for her. Its because I really just want to talk to her. Knowing how close I am to losing her has made me cherish her the way that I always should have. So, now I want to talk to her all the time. I want to spend time with her. For two years, I was running around to avoid her so that I could have any contact possible with the OW, and it feels good not to have to do that any more. But, it feels even better to be able to enjoy the time that I do spend with my wife.

Do the MB Weekends focus on affairs at all? We seem to do better when we avoid that topic right now. If we're working on re-creating our relationship and building a stronger relationship, things seem to be better. But, when we start dealing specifically with the why and how of the affair, it seems to set us back a little bit.

Speaking as a BS here.. The Man she married is dead, and really.. she doesn't want him. You have to become someone *BETTER* then that guy and I think you are on the road to doing that.

Unfortunately, she has to come to that conclusion on her own. It takes a little bit, and it really does sound like you want to recover (perhaps a little more then she does right now). Be patient, the hurt you have put her through is deeper then anything she has experienced, or is likely to experience again. Her heart is broken, and broken hearts take a long time to heal.

Keep doing what you are doing, and do whatever she asks without question or argument. I daresay encourage her to snoop, she needs to be able to see for herself that there is nothing going on.

This is an incredibly difficult time. I wish my WW was as enthusiastic as you are about getting things right. We are getting there but I am still counting every day the fog doesn't blow in as a blessing.

God Bless,
NRO

have you seen a doctor and had std testing..

you need to start there....
and pray to God for clean bill of health...

I am serious about that...

it says a ton about the seriousness of your actions and the potential damage you may/could have wrought...

I implore you to this..

it is a huge step in establishing intimacy again...

(is/was your OP married as well...you should tell her spouse to set him free)

ark^^

You might check out the thread I have on "Just Found Out." It's mainly me and another person who talk, but she recently posted something she found about tips for a WS...lots of good information.

I think you can find it if you go to that forum and search for "My NC Letter" (that's the thread title).

HTM

The Marriage Builders Weekend is focussed on How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love.

Over a 2 day period, there are 10 or so session topics that Dr. Harley covers. One of them covers Infidelity.

As a BS I viewed the Infidelity portion as good information and empowering to me. I believe it was also good information for my W and empowering for her as well.

The Marriage Builders Weekend has been the cornerstone of our personal Marital Recovery. We have done a tremendous amount of work to make progress and the program and all it offers has been the guiding force.

As for the NC...Here's how we handled it. My H had an EA with a woman who he worked with. She was relentless in her persuit and he was stupid enough to enjoy it! But, the contact had already ended when I heard of the NC> So, he wrote it anyway and gave it to me. He knows that if there is ANY contact at all from her or from him I will send the letter. So, it's here, in our home as an insurance policy for me. Truely, H felt is was unnecessary for him as he had already had HIS 'ahaa' moment, but I'm not there yet. So, he did it for me. It was under duress and I had to nag a few times to get the job done, but the important thing I focus on is that he did it. It showed me he was serious.
And, as for new jobs...H is doing that too. But, at his level of employment it's not easy to simply jump ship. So, I'm being patient, as long as I can be.
Good luck.

How long has it been? I am only a couple of months with NC on H & OW part and it still feels as if it was yesterday. And, if you want insight on to what your W is thinking...I suppose, if she's anything like me, she just waits for the next time she'll be disappointed. I hear that fades...just not there yet.