married 7.5 years together for 12. 11 and 7 year old. The past two years have not been good, but I realized about a month ago after being on MB website that there is a lot I could do to make it better. 2 days later she gives me the i need space talk. Anyway, fast forward 4 weeks and things are going really good, really really good. But I still felt like I needed to tell her about something in the past. I was seeing someone else, not sexual, not emmotional, just hanging out here and there. Really, it was because I landed a job with her company that was only a $400 one day deal but I put that $400.00 before my marriage and felt like if I broke off the "friendship" I would lose the job. At the time I felt like the marriage wasn't a priority anyway. I was wrong I know that. Anyway, after the job was done I told her that I didn't want to speak with her any more. I know it wasn't right on a few different levels but it happened. So that was about 2 months ago. Now things are going well in the marriage and I put up a blog about how I want to make my life, my wifes life and my childrens lives all better. This OW out of the blue e-mails me about how it made her sick and how she wanted me to have those feelings about her which I don't and won't.

Anyway, I told my wife about this last night, after what was probably our best day ever. I did it because I am really working on talking to her, telling her what's on my mind and being honest. Either way, now I feel like I am going to lose it all and last night I sat in bed fighting with myself that suicide is not the answer but it continues to ring in my head. I just don't know how to help her and help the marriage, part of me wishes I had just kept my mouth shhut but I felt like I had to tell her. I'm not looking for an "it's okay that it happened"... I just don't know what to do and feel like I'm losing and the world is crashing down around me.

You have kids who need you.

Get the suicide crap out of your head.

i know, i'm trying. i really am, but my head has justified that in the long run they will be happier too. it's not as easy as it sounds.

So you were being honest with her, and she reacted poorly? That's ok, it really is. Give her time to have a reaction, and then let it sink in. Help her out by reiterating that you're trying to be 100% honest with her from now on. That's important, and once the shock has worn off, she will see that, too. But you've got to give her time to work it out for herself.

Just keep doing what you can for the M and family; it'll work out.

btw, there is NEVER an instance in which kids are better off without their parents, unless it was abusive, etc. Trust me, your suicide would change their entire lives for the worst - for the rest of their lives, they'd be trying to work out what THEY did wrong.

yet it gets harder. I got off the phone with her and the MT has turned into Tim therapy because she doesn't want it to be about us, that she is pretty much over us. That I hurt her. I know I hurt her, I know I did, and that's part of what I can't live with, that's part of why I feel so broken. My body just wants to shut down. I am going to give her the space she asks for, I'm going to continue to be the husband and father that I have been over the past 4 weeks in hopes, hopes that there is some light or hope some where for the family. It's a pretty gloomy day. And she called to yell at me about suicide saying that I can't put that on her and that if I do it I just need to do it. All because the therapist called her after I talked to her (the therapist) this morning about my feelings. I need to step up, I need to be strong but my body and most of my mind is fighting that.

I just started reading the book, his needs, her needs as well as the various links of the marriagebuilders website. When we disclose something we did wrong, or we're found out, it suggests we need to compensate for our wrong, not just ask for forgiveness, because your behavior shouldn't be pardoned.
In the questions and answers column on the website, look at this article: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Its pretty enlightening and makes alot of sense.

I know that being honest was your intent to improve the marriage. However, with honesty there can be pain involved sometimes.

I wish you peace in all of this. I know it seems that suicide would be easier than feeling what you're feeling.

I invite you to feel the feelings you're having, as uncomfortable as they are.

My son, exhusband and sister all died by suicide. I wish I could have told them what I say to you, but feelings don't kill us. Its important to work through them, not around them.

Take care of your wife, you and your kids. You all deserve it!!!


blshelp

I'm having a hard time finding the "can't we just forgive and forget"

how much space do I give her and do you think it was really better for me to tell her than someone else? This OW is now saying that she will take the backlash when the entire town knows about it