You are right but to be honest he would have heard a very different me on the phone...someone who is moving on..

This incident has also given me a reason to give him PBL again.Because I broke plan B before he would have thought my conditions don't apply anymore.

In the letter I will just remind him of no contact and that he must use my sister as intermediary again..I spoke to her and shes fine with it.He will think I'm childish and crazy but who cares!!

I'm going to bed now its 1am here!!

Tomorrow I will write my PBL!!

I will give it to him on tuesday at the hospital

I'm unsure wether I should give WH another letter...my mom says I should wait untill we are divorced!!!.The fact that WH said I mustn't be silly by not answering his calls ...tells me that he has forgotten about the conditions of PBL.Shall I remind him...I think I should have told him during that phonecall...I was just so surprised by his sickly sweet attitude!!

Any advice?

Hope,

You gave him the letter twice now?

Well DS18's operation went well on Tuesday.WH was there when DS18 was admitted and he stayed for a few mins then went to work...I asked him when he was going to deposit my money into my account..he tried to literally walk away from me!!He eventually said he wasn't going to give me any!!He was a nervous wreck!couldn't look me in the face and just wanted to get away..

He said my lawyer was asking for a rediculous amount and that I was stalling.He wanted the 2 of us to discuss a settlement without lawyers!He could have phoned his lawyer and sped up the process if he wanted to..but its ME delaying things.

I never agreed to anything.I gave him my letter and walked away.
WH came back to hospital as DS18 was coming out of theatre.He couldn't understand why I wouldn't take any of his calls..I had asked my sister to let him know the op was over.I said ..you obviously didn't read my letter.

DS18 needed a morphine drip as he was in intense pain in his back from lieing in theatre for an hour.(he broke it 2 years ago in his accident and has a spinal fusion.)Wh can't deal with seeing him in pain and I could see it was bringing back memories for him of the accident.WH and I tried to comfort him and eventually after 2 hours he was allowed to come home..10 pm.WH asked if he could come home with us I gave in and said yes.DS18 is on crutches and was a bit shakey.
Anyway WH didn't stay long as it was 11pm..I could see in his face he felt awful leaving but thats HIS choice.
He came the next day to visit DS18.I stayed in the background.
DS18 went to him for the weekend today.

Yesterday my lawyer phoned me and said she hasn't heard anything from WH lawyer,and did I want her to make contact .I said no WH can get the ball rolling as he wants the divorce.She understood and asked if I was financially ok,I lied and said yes.She said if I change my mind I must phone her.Did I do the right thing?I will be ok till my next pay day but it will be tough...I want WH to follow through with his intentions so he can own his choices.I know I'm been stubborn but I will not enable this divorce..He wants it..he must make it happen and own up to it.

I am feeling ok though

I did an AWFUL thing last Saturday...I went to a party with a girlfriend.It was very festive with LOTS of drinking and shots!!
You know whats coming!!
I hooked up with this guy and it got quite intense!! I was pretty drunk which added fuel to the fire!!Got home early hours of the morning(4am) and was sane enough not to let him come inside and he tried!!!

I felt sick the next day from the severe hangover and from what I had done.....I had a heart to heart with my sis and she said not to beat myself up and know for next time!!The one plus that I do feel a week later is that there is life after WH.(remember I have been with him since I was 15)I didn't feel at all guilty towards WH which actually shocked me I felt I had let myself down.

When WH was with us at the hospital,he was making small talk with DS18 and myself and mentioned that on that particular saturday morning he couldn't sleep and was restless and was up at round 4 in the morning!!!Gave me goosebumps!!I do wonder if one still has a spiritual/pyschic connection on a subconscious level when you have been together so long (26yrs)

I care alot about you Hope, I really do. I understand that need of feeling desired by SOMEONE, ANYONE, but I have to ask you a really HARD question?

Do you really want your M. Are you TRULY, WILLLING to do ANYTHING THAT IT TAKES. Because on the road you are going down, you won't get it back.

I will not judge you or anything like that, but I need you to be honest with just yourself. Because if you are wanting your M, you aren't showing G-d that you are willing to do what it takes.

{{{{{{{{HOPE}}}}}}}}}}}

Queenie I do understand what you are saying.I was not looking to get hooked up with someone but the alcohol added fuel to the fire!
I was very upset with myself and I had been SO STRONG in my stand for my marriage.I felt as though all my hard work on myself and my stand for my marriage went down the tubes in one night..I have been fasting and praying intensely for 6 months now.

I am 16 months down the line now in this freaking nightmare and its just not fair that I should suffer while WH is getting on with his life.I know you going to say we don't know whats happening in WH life but I 'm sure its a lot rosier than in mine.

It did cross my mind what if I did date someone now and a few months down the line WH and I get back together,he has no right to point fingers at me when he has been having an affair.I know its not the Christian thing to do so I won't do it.

The guy phoned me tonight and I explained that I couldn't see him as my life was complicated right now...

I truely do not believe that WH will come back and you know what I will be ok..I know that now.

Hope, what you did or didn't do with that man isn't what I am asking.

I am asking if you truly are willing to go to any lengths to have your M restored.

Queenie I do desperately want to save my marriage.When you've been hanging on and taking all the flak they throw you,you reach a stage of saying enough is enough.I think my heart and my head are now truely in sync.I'm not afraid of the unknown anymore,I know I will be ok and that WH DOESN'T deserve me back in his life.

If WH wanted to come home now I would be a stronger person and not a desperate,needy person who a year ago would have taken him back with no conditions.

WH at the moment is not the man I want back..I want my H back.If he doesn't snap out of it she can have him with pleasure.
I don't think I will be able to wait for him much longer...I need to move on emotionally.

As wrong as it was for me to hook up with that guy it was in a way the best thing that could have happened.It made me realise that WH is not the only person out there.Of course I would love to have the perfect loving relationship with my H and be a family again.
WH would have to be truely remorseful if he came back but thats going to take a miracle which,I do believe could still happen if its Gods will.

I can forgive the affair but it will take a long time for me to forgive the hurt he has put me through.
I am being invited out a lot by friends and its difficult to put your life on hold waiting for something that has a huge probability of not happening.
WH is getting on with his life..so must I.
I am not looking for anyone in my life,believe me, but if I do meet someone that I really enjoy,I'm going to be forced to make a serious decision.

I am slowly starting to get seriously angry with WH.

Hi Hope,

I haven't posted before but your M length and age are very similar to mine. My kids are a lot younger since we waited to have children...I was busy putting him through graduate school.


I have been in plan B for 2 months, but 8 months since d-day. I am surprised you are only getting angry now! I am pissed as all get out. I am the one that will be filing soon. I think I should get on with my life as well. I want a beautiful long-term committed relationship in my life. I don't think my H is coming back, I think WH has permanently taken over. It isn't just the OW his whole view on life has changed, he is so ungrounded...while I have become more grounded and real.

I don't fault you at all for your little slip, it had to be an ego booster at least. There are others out there that might actually be respectful and loving and more deserving of you.

Hope and Kag,

I don't fault Hope for that slip. I entertained this man paying attention to me and loved it. I truly understand how good it feels to be noticed as a woman and just a human being.

Hope and I think Hope would agree is doing her own Plans, not Plan A and Plan B and sticking to them. One of the reasons that AA is so successful is that we let others who have gone before us, lead us.

Mimi and so many others have tried to get Hope to stick to her Plan B, and she hasn't. I support HER and YOU in whatever stage you are in, whatever point you are in. I just want to make sure that when all is said and done, Hope has NO REGRETS on how she tried to save her M.

I would LOVE to get to the angry stage, it's been almost 11 months since D-day for me and I have had moments. But you know, they are sick and twisted and it isn't who I am anymore. NOt that angry person. I'm sad, I'm frustrated and devastated, but I love my H and just can't get angry because I understand that when an addict is full on in their addiction what happens. And it's sad....

Just awfully sad that so many are hurt in this.

So, Hope I love you no matter what you do, I just want to be a light that keeps checking in to make sure you are understanding your choices and can live with them.

Queenie,

I guess if anyone could understand addiction it would be you since you are in AA. I often compared WH's behavior to my brother who is a recovered alcoholic. We begged him not to destroy his life and lose his daughter, he was going thru a nasty divorce. But he didn't listen to us, didn't see reason, had to hit bottom and wake up himself. Sooo again you would think I could do this, I know what addiction looks like, I have seen g-ds work in my life before with my son, but I truly doubt my M is recoverable. I pray those who are hanging on see their M's recovered, they deserve it.



Anger gives you more power and relief over despair. It is the 3rd step in grief/trauma recovery. It actually helps to reach acceptance. I am pissed but know that it will pass with time.

Kag thanks for your thoughts,and not not faulting me on my slip!
Before the affair my son had had a serious motorbike accident which caused multiple injuries,broken back,both legs and ankles,and permanent nerve damage to left foot.WH fell apart as he blamed himself for buying the bike,although it was a drunk driver who hit my son.I had to be the strong one I took months off work to nurse him as he was 100%bed ridden,bed pan,bed bath the works for 3 months.He was in intense pain constantly.He was in a wheelchair for 2 months then crutches for 2 months.I home schooled him as he didn't want to repeat the year and he passed.
Doc wanted to put him in a rehab centre but I couldn't do it.
The day after we got his school report I found out about the affair.I just about had a nervous breakdown and I think the emotions I had kept inside me for all those months came out in me.
WH moved out straight away and although I tried plan A for 8 months it was difficult as he was never a fence-sitter if you know what I mean.My plan B was weak I must admit and now with our son being in hospital its very difficult to do a plan B when your son wants you both at his side.

He has filed for divorce and that really wakes you up to reality.Queenie you are fortunate not to be there and I hope you don't experience it.Plan B is for ME and it has helped me emotionally,definitely.The beginning is hard but deep down you are always hoping that he'll snap out of it just give him time...when the divorce papers arrive you feel like you're running out of time.
I do pray and have faith in God but what He wants for us is not always what we want.
MB is an excellent site I don't know what I would have done without all these caring wonderful people.They have helped me through my darkest hours.
I know Mimi says stick to the plans,I agree but she herself wrote a few letters to her WH which is not part of plan B.
Dr. Harley talks about a modified planB as well...
When emotions are involved, life isn't always black and white.
We can only try.Kag you seem to be a strong woman and I admire you for that.If I were you I'd wait a while longer before filing..but thats me..
Please keep in contact.Queenie as always you are there for me,always so positive and caring..just wish I wasn't so far away in S.Africa!!

Kag you hit the nail on the head what you said about anger,exactly how I feel.My problem through all this has been that I believed the addiction theory(and still do)and that stopped me from getting angry with him..I felt sorry for him as you would an addict.I don't anger easily.Not getting angry prevented me from moving forward,I was stuck.Even if your in plan B you still believe the addiction theory.

In the beginning I was told by everyone "it will get better"now I can believe it!!

{{{{{{{{HOPE}}}}}}}}}}

I am not going anywhere. I am walking through this with you the whole way.

{{{{{{HOPE}}}}}}}}}

Hope,

First, is your son in the hospital again now? I am dreading that, my son is going to have a major surgery 6 hours away and it is a 3-month commitment of going back and forth for follow-up. I don't want anything to do with WH but I know my son will want him there. What do you do with that????? Especially when I feel like WH bailed on my son long ago anyway.

Second, I think the fence sitting was more torture because it was like ripping a bandaid off slowly. My WH went back and forth many times, each time ripping my heart out. Finally, I said enough...you two deserve each other.




Didn't know you are in S.Africa! We are hoping to plan a vacation there this fall. Hope WH doesn't give me a hard time about leaving the country. Tough sh@t if he does. That is the only thing that is keeping me from filing D is that now I don't have to listen any of his complaints about visitation. I can pretty much do what I please without any court orders.

I truly think that filing for me will give me back some self-respect. I feel like WH knows he can continue to behave this way and I am home waiting for him whenever he is ready.



I hear you....I lost 30 pounds and had to take valium for panic attacks. It was strange the way it hit me harder than dealing with my son's many near-death experiences. I felt like I could handle that, but this pulled the floor right out from under me. I didn't know which way was up.

Kag I was exactly like you with my son's accident.I never shed a tear on the day of the accident untill I knew he was going to be ok.Men don't deal with emotional stress well.
My son only spent a day in hospital this time thank goodness!
I u8nderstand what you mean about having unwanted contact.I hate it when WH suddenly wants to play the concerned dad when it suits him.I work in the hospital so I am comfortable in this enviroment unlike WH.
Where abouts in S.A are planning on visiting?I'm in Cape Town,the Mother city!It really is a most beautiful place to see.Please let me know if you come my way,I live very near the beaches you'll love it.

I lost 18kg's the only good thing about all this I weigh 65kgs now and feel great.I know I look a damn lot better than WH!!
His looking old and haggard!lol
I'm leaving work now just did a late shift,its 8.30pm here.
Might hook up when I get home.

What is your son's operation for?

Very funny, I would say the same about my WH. I have never looked better myself(maybe in college). I am working out, having my hair done....true 'goddess' look as they say here.


Mandibular distraction...the break both sides of lower jaw put in pins and expand jaw over 3 months. He had it done once already at 18months old. It is to improve breathing, eating and speaking! It will be h@ll though.

Not sure where in S.Africa...my father is planning the trip for this fall...weather?

Kag I feel so sorry for your son..and at such a young age too.
One thing my DS18 says(he was 16 when he had the accident)is that he can handle anything life throws his way now.He has a true appreciation for life..The saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"is so true in his case
His motto is "sh@t happens,get over it!"

I'm sure your boy will be a strong,confident and self-assured kid once he pulls through his ops.

All's quiet where WH is concerned.I have been socialising a lot and having FUN!...but staying clear of the opposite sex!
My DS18's friends talk to me about girlfriend problems and it makes me feel quite honoured!!!
In S.A 18 in the legal age to drink alcohol.Occasionally we'll sit and have a beer together with friends and just chat about all sorts of things...its times like this that I feel WH is missing out big time.DS18 is very protective of me which is cute.He is nearly 6foot and broad and people think his much older then he is.He has become the man of the house.DS15 gets on well with his brother and looks up to him which is cute...

Its so sad that my WH has given up his boys and is living with OP and her 3 teenage boys!!!Mind boggling!!
He will never be able to replace the time he has lost with them.
All for a woman...so sad