I've been looking through the site for about 5 weeks (since I found out about the affair) to see if anyone has been in this situation. I haven't found anything yet... but here's my story.

My wh is in the army (deployed 2 times previously) and was told he would have to go to Iraq one month after we found out I was pregnant with our second child, our daughter was only 9 months old at the time. He left for training in May to Ft. Mccoy, stayed through August when his leg went numb. He never went to Iraq, but went to Ft. Knox, where he started having an EA which became a PA. He was coming home on weekends, I knew he was cheating on me but couldn't "prove it" since I was 3 hrs away taking care of our 1 year old, our house, and working full time while I was 9 months pregnant. When the OW left Knox, the PA obviously ended, and the EA ended a month later. I had my "proof" when wh gave my brother his computer, and there was a letter to OW telling her how much he loved her etc... Going through everything in my mind, I can't move past the fact that I was pregnant while he was cheating on me, and even sent OW a picture of our baby and me right after I had him.

I'm trying to figure this out by asking him what he was thinking, if I wasn't affectionate enough, too preoccupied, or whatever, and he just keeps telling me that the affair wasn't because I was pregnant, and that I didn't do, or not do, anything to provoke the affair. If anyone has been in this situation, please help!

Came across your post after I posted my story. Even though I don't have answers and am new to the forum myself, please know that you are not alone. My story is at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2038227

You just found out so a lot is going through your mind. You are reaching out and that is good. Whatever you decide to do, don't act on an impulse. Your decision will be very personal and depends on your own facts and circumstances.

My discovery was 2 years ago and probably waited too long before reaching out. My best to your journey to recovery and healing.

SI

We have had quite a few women here who were pregnant during the affair. And it is common for the WS to show pictures of the baby to the affair partner. We have even had some BS's delivering their babies while WS was with the OW.

Has he agreed to write a no contact letter to her and be an open book to you from here on out?

A NC letter was never written, however, when the A was discovered by me, I told OW's H about the A as well as her mom (she is 21), WH's family, my family, and some close friends. After DD of all parties, phone lines were disconnected, cell phones turned off, email addresses deleted, and a general consensus that they were no longer going to communicate in any way, shape or form. As for the email addresses that were required to be kept open, I have all passwords, access to phone records on WH, and he did answer all questions about the A that I had, and continues to answer them. He tells me it was a mistake, nothing I did to make him have A, that it "just happened" she was there, I was home, and he didn't think about me. There were other situations in our marriage (mainly verbal abuse and extremely controlling) and after I found out about the A, kicked him out of the house, told him to get help for himself, deal with past issues (child abuse, verbal abuse, abandonment, etc...) and come back if he wanted to when he felt he was ready to be a father and a good husband and I would decide at that point if I was able to take him back. I know this isn't MB principles, which is why I was just asking if anyone else out there experienced anything like this and how they "came to terms with it". I also know it sounds harsh, but this was just "the straw that broke the camels back" and I decided I couldn't take it anymore.
Since he left, he's been in the Hospital (had back surgery right before DD) with an infection in his spinal fluid and has been talking to several psychologists at the hospital, and is starting to see a psychologist on a regular basis. He seems very remorseful for the A as well as the other things that were going on. He understands why he has to be out of the house (for our children- in my opinion no dad is better than an abusive husband.) And that this really is the only way for him to continue to get help with his personality (once he's back in, I'm afraid things will go back to the way they were.) I know it sounds like he's a horrible guy, but the VA was sporadic, but getting more frequent, the controlling behaviors didn't really bother me because I didn't realize he was being controlling. I know he loves me, I know I love him, though at this point definitely not "in love" with him, and i know how good things can be... well how good they were. This is all going to take a lot of work, on both of our parts... I guess I'll figure out at a later time if we'll be able to work past it.

Was the child abuse to him, or him to your child?

sorry, child abuse done to him, he's actually a great dad if he would stop yelling at me in front of the kids

Oh, I'm so glad he is a great dad. But you are right, the yelling has to go. Have you had any counseling to help deal with the verbal abuse?

It is probably something he picked up from his family of origin, but that doesn't mean you need to tolerate it.

Verbal abuse probably had something to do with the way he was raised, also being in the army doesn't exactly help... I'm seeing a psychologist, but it doesn't seem like this is his forte. I'll be looking for another sometime soon.

Is there anyone out there that has gone through this and made it out successfully, or came to terms with it, or would have some sort of insight into being pregnant and cheated on? Any info would be helpful... thanks

We've had many women here that were pregnant and their husband cheated. Most have saved their marriages. One that I can think of initially recovered the marriage, but then 2 years later she changed her mind and decided to divorce her husband.

Hopefully some of them will check this thread.

Find a counselor who specializes in what you need.

Offhand I would advise you to stay apart until he gets a handle on his verbal abuse.