Last year my husband left me saying that he didn't love me anymore. A week later I discovered from a work collegue and friend that he had a new woman in his life. I left the family home and within 3 weeks before I even moved all of my possesions out he moved her in. The horror of going to that house to see another woman's toothbrush next to mine, to see her knickers on my radiators was devestating and to see her hair on my pillow.

He never asked for me back until his lover left him.

We had been together for 10 years and married for 4 and were going through a very tough period. My husband is lying to me about how long the affair was going on for. He has had multiple opportunity to tell me. And I feel hurt by this how can we build a marraige based on lies. I became pregnant and am now 8 months gone and am very hormonal. It has been a rough few months adn I am now harboring resentment, anger, and hatred towards my husband. I understand all the reasons why the affair happened and the affair is over now for good and my husband is very remorseful. Yet I cannot move past this stage at this time. WE did have problems within the marriage equally which I agree with. But how could he have done that too me, Betrayed me in such a callous way. He looked me straight in the eye on more than one occasion and told me he didn't love me he loved her whilst we were apart. Now when he tells me he loves me I don't believe him at all.

Please help me I want my marriage to work but right now I feel like it is a hopless.

Hi Skitty
Sorry that you find yourself here but this place will give you the best possible chance to recover your marriage. Dr Harley describes adultery as one of the most traumatic things we can do to our spouses, right up there with the death of a child so your feelings of resentment, anger and hatred are completely normal. It is post traumatic stress disorder.

But you will need to find a way past those feelings if you want to rebuild this marriage, someone on these boards described resentment as like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Not a bad analogy.

The lies he told you in the heat of the affair are called fog babble around here. My WH told me that he cheated because I was adopted! Mostly the babble is just rewriting the story of the marriage to justify their horrendous behaviour.

For your healing to start, some things need to happen.

First he needs to openly answer all of your questions about the affair - how it started, how it finished and everything else you want to know. Try to listen to his answers calmly.

Secondly you need to start feeling safe. The Harleys have a number of steps that you need to take to protect your marriage from further infidelity. This is especially important right now as you must feel especially vulnerable in late pregnancy.

Thirdly, you will start learning how to make your marriage better by meeting each other's emotional needs and avoiding love busters. There is lots on this site and you might want to order a couple of Dr Harley's books on this.

You will never again feel the way you did before the affair but happy memories will replace sad ones over time if you can follow the Harley guidelines.

And you will find that the techniques will help overcome the tough periods in future. Hey, I have even found them helpful in dealing with my teenagers!