I'll start from the beginning. We've been married for 18 yrs together for 20. About 5 yrs ago I had a PA with a co worker which never really got resolved between my wife and I. It kind of just went away so there have been pent up feelings since then. It was compounded by a couple of email contacts that wife found out about after I had told her we disconnected. We were in a different state so contact was impossible not that it matters to her. Since things were never resolved, I got off kind of easy so I never really had to show much remorse and things began to slide. I was wasn't very good in the support department either, as far her career and otherwise. We are both active duty military, she's been in 20 yrs and i've been in 23yrs. Anyway, our awesome marriage began to slide because of my sins. We used to have a text book happy marriage with an unbelievable sex life, no complaints. My affair was purely for male satisfaction and my need for attention not that I was missing this from her. I just needed more, like a teenager, midlife crisis I think. Our relationship began to sour a little but I never thought we were that bad. Sex was the main sticking point for us in the following yrs. She became unhappy because of my lack of support and jealousy. This jealousy and non-support grew afterward because of my decrease in affection from her, I was never a jealous man before. Like I said, I thought our relationship wasn't perfect but not even close to the edge in my mind. I've learned now that she says she was keeping things in and faking happiness to save the family. What a blow.

Anyway, last year she deployed to the desert for 7 months, she returned 4 mos ago. We had email communication the whole time and other than the usual spat, I though things were normal. She was happy to be coming home, wanted to plan a vacation, said she missed me but in hindsight, i never noticed any affection toward me. She was different when she got home and I asked her about it. She unloaded everything on me. She's out of love, doesn't think it will ever come back. Too much pain and withholding, i hurt her too much and her time away allowed her to think things out and she wanted to be happy again. This would be without me. I asked her directly if there was someone she met while gone and she said no. Since she was in her moment of honesty, I figured she would've come clean if she needed to. For 3 mos, she was cold. No "i love yous" no touching, no sex. Actually we had 3 encounters that were nothing more than her giving me an outlet and it hasn't happened since.

She went on a businees trip to the states (we live out of the US)for 2 weeks. We had talked and she said this would be a good time away to think about things and see if maybe things could start in a positive direction. After a week, she called me up and told me that the military had given her a "no contact" order and that she was to have no contact with this other man. She confessed to having a EA/PA with a man she met while in the desert. He is an military person too and he was in the class she was in, with her. They had planned it that way and he was married too (he lives in another country). They got caught because his wife found emails and called his boss to press charges. My wife and he will face disciplinary charges which are pending. His career is over since he was higher ranking. As soon as she told me about it, I asked her if she wanted our marriage to work and keep our family together or was this it, she said she wanted to stay together and work things out. She actually told me that the two of them had talked about ending their A and seeing about getting their marriages back on track, since they live in different countries, it was most likely the last time they'd see each other anyway. She said he wanted to continue things with her but said she never expressed the desire to leave her family for him.

None of that matters anyway. I am totally committed to saving our marriage and have already forgiven her, i did on the spot. I've never had a doubt about loving her and still do despite the affair. I had a instant image of this being a chance to start over and get things back on track. I will say that mental images haunt me from time to time but nothing like i ever imagined, I think the last 3 months have gotten me so scared of losing her that even an affair has made little impact on me. Since she came back from the states, things have improved dramatically from what they were. We actually talk to each other, she says she loves me from time to time and she even snuggles with me once in awhile. Now when I ask, she is still hesitant to commit to saving the relationship. She still says she's unsure of what will happen. She hopes that her feelings will change but is doing nothing to try to change things. Her job is very demanding and since the day after she returned from the states, she has been working a minimum of 12-14 hr days and weekends sometime also. She's worried about her legal actions, she overworked and she is worried about the marriage but says she has little time to think about it much less do anything. I pretty much handle most things around the house because of her work hours and I'm happy to do so, I've been good as far as those kinds of thing go, for years. Plus I just finished being Mr mom for 7 mos. We have 3 kids. We haven't told the kids anything but they know something is different.

So, here we are. Things are quiet. We never fight, it's pretty much pointless to fight, we both know that. But things are just...there. Nothing. We did go to dinner on the 31st for our anniversary, it went well. I want to pend time with her alone but don't want to push anything. She is still very distant. I've been doing what I can to give her space, I don't bring anything up. I'm working on myself although I've become somewhat of a codependent and it's really working on me. I've been applying my skills learned from MB and other sources. I think they all have good experience and apply to our situation. But things are just so stagnant. I mean, seldom is there any affection shown. Sometimes she doesn't even aknowledge me when I come in the house. There are many positive "static" things like our vacation that we're planning for the summer. She talks of our future together but sometimes mentions a future apart. I know some of you are thinking that our situation isn't so bad but it's killing me. We used to be so physical and affectionate, the rejection and lack of touch is just tearing me apart. I am showing my affection by hugging her and kissing her when appropriate. I definitely don't push her for anything, mostly good night and goodbye kisses. I haven't even come close to talking about sex at all. She tells me that I'm a perfect man, a perfect father, couldn't ask more from me around the house. Tells me that other people would think her crazy for doing what she's doing. Once in awhile a little mistrust will creep in on me. I keep reminding myself that her actions are hers and I can't do anything about them. Maybe I'm just being impatient. I'm just so optimistic that I'm itching to get going. This idleness is making me fearful of our marriage slipping into the same lull it was in before her deployment. I just want things to be better, not the same as when we were young, but better. She's not spiteful, she's not harassing, just distant and indifferent. Do i just continue as I am and hope for the best or are there things I can do to get things moving? Now that I've written things down, i feel as if I'm just whining and things aren't really that bad.

I frequently feel depressed and hurt and cry alot. I try my hardest not to show it in front of her and never in front of the kids. She tells me that when she sees me hurt it makes it even harder on her, but harder how? I haven't cried in front of her in awhile. I slept on the couch a couple of times when I couldn't keep it in. Once she came down in the morning and laid on the couch with me. She actually asked me to come to bed with her once also. Last night I went down stairs till early morning because I couldn't hold it together. Laying next to her and not being able to touch her is a punishment worse than anything. She snuggles occasionally and I'm grateful. I just don't know where to go from here. She says that things may get better when she finds out what's going to happen with the legal things, it could be months from now. Sometimes she says she may never recover from all this. She still hasn't forgiven herself, I just tell her she is a beautiful person who made a terrible mistake just as i did. I've been seeing a counselor for a month and continue to. I've spoken with my chaplain a couple of times. I am constantly on the web looking for info to help. She has gone to the chaplain once. I'm concerned about her emotional health and have let her know that she is welcome to come with me to talk with my counselor if she feels up to it, she refuses, says she's not ready. I've asked her to talk with anyone, anyone, with or without me but she's not ready. I'm really concerned that she's killing herself, she's lost alot of weight, as have I. I just dont know, maybe I'm just looking for some reassurance or someone to tell me that I'm moving in the wrong direction. My counselor seems pretty optimistic but she doesn't get to see my wife and her reactions. I'm just wondering...

Have you read all the articles here?

Have you started plan A?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you found us.

I suggest you take anti-depressants if your job allows it. Your family is depending on you and you are under a lot of stress right now.

From your synopsis, I didn't get the dates involved. How long has your wife had no contact with the other man?

I'm seeing someone about the depression part this week. It's been a month since their last contact, we live in a different country but cannot confirm whether or not there has been telepone contact, she says there hasn't, I have to believe.

I read everything I can get my hands on about rebuilding a stronger, healthier marriage. Plan A is goal but getting my head straight is the bigest obstacle right now.

Thanks for the reply. Any support you have for me would be much appreciated.

I have read many of them. I believe I have a pretty good grasp of what direction I should go. Like I said, getting my head straight is my biggest hurdle right now. I'm kind of in damage control mode right now. I'm just trying to keep from sabotaging my own efforts right now. I've done pretty well with that and haven't dished out any DJs that I'm aware of. I guess I'm just looking for a little reassurance.

Thanks for the reply

TR

Plan A is definitely where I went from the start. My wife and I have always been pretty good about talking to each other respectfully and since I had already been researching marriage building prior to the A being discovered, I was already in recovery mode. The A really had little affect on me in the big picture. Obviously it was the biggest shock of my life but there had been the "little voice" warning me of the possibility. Everything she told me about the A was text book. The years she says I neglected her emotional needs finally took their toll and her being away so long and the daily contact in the work environment with OM fostered the friendship and eventual affair. I have little doubt about my contributions to the events leading to the A but we've both agreed that the decision for the A was hers and hers alone. I guess now that the discovery of the A has lost it's initial "shock" value, she has settled back into her doubts about the future of our marriage and whether or not she'll be able to be in love with me again. Initially she was very remorseful and committed to saving the M. Now it's alot like it was prior to the A being brought to light. She's not near as hostile as she was, since she now says she isn't so torn by trying to carry on with the separate lives. There are occasional shows of affection when before there were absolutely none. Because of legal implications due to them both being military and the OMs BS pressing charges and the fact that OM lives in another country, there has been no contact for a month now, although there can be no way of me knowing if they have had telephone contact. I have to believe there hasn't. Also they have been legally ordered to have no contact with each other, chancing any contact would elevate the legal ramification they already face. She knows she has my total support in that arena and the outcome of the investigation will have no impact on my goals for our relationship. The only thing that can stand between us and the successful rebuilding of our marriage will be her. I've told her that on many occasion and hopefully she grasps just how deep my commitment is.

thanks again for the reply

Your wife is in withdrawal from the OM. Try to keep working on being the best husband and father, but do not do it so that it is overwhelming for her. Keep working on meeting her needs and do it without expecting anything in return. Keep going to counseling and give her time, love, and support.

I know it sucks that she was the one who had the affair and you are the one who has to do all the hard work to repair the marriage, but that seems to be how it goes.

As for the weight loss, don't worry to much. My husband and I both lost a lot of weight during our hard times and now a year later we both struggle with the weight we have gained. I call it the affair diet, the knot in your stomach just keeps you from eating, but one day the knot will be gone and food will taste good again.

Exercise is good for depression too. So see if you can increase that.

Also I would post on General Questions because there is much more traffic there.

When you are going crazy or feel like DJ'ing or love busting, come here and talk to us. We understand.

You should be trying to be spending 15 hours a week doing fun things with her, without the kids. It sounds like it would be hard with her hours. But try to get in whatever time you are able.

Thanks again for the support. I'm doing what I can for us to spend time together. She's still pretty withdrawn and is still uncommitted on that front. She talks about being uncomfortable when we're alone together and I aknowledge it. I'm more than willing but don't want to push much at this point. We did go out for our anniversary and it was pleasant.

I'm doing well with LB and DJs. I know they are destructive and only serve to tear down what little we have right now. Our marriage is mature enough to realize that. She is still in an uncommitted state and dishes out a few LB/DJs now and again, they roll off my back but they do sting once in awhile. Especially the ones that have truth to them.

I hope to post some positive updates in the weeks to come. Thanks again for the support, I'll be back.

Remember the thing about plan A is to not be clingy.
Lay off of relationship and recovery talk. Just make the time spent together fun. Make those love deposits. WW will not show that you are reaching her now because she is not ready to admit to herself that things with you are not as bad as she imagined to justify her affair. As she sees that the changes in you are permanent she will open herself more to you.

Remember she has to go through withdrawal for the loss of the OM.
Patience! Take confidence that is still home.

Another question for you guys. We don't have the relationship talks much at all, if ever, and that concerns me a little. There may be a mention here and there about how she doesn't know about the future but never much talk about it at all. I'm purposefully avoiding it to stay away from the fog. I'm wondering if I'm giving off the wrong impression of not caring? I know MB says that WW is not interested right now anyway, but when is the right time to initiate those talks, or do I wait for her? Just a question, things are going ok, I don't want to leave any rock unturned.

Another thing, I can neither confirm or deny NC. She was good about hiding it before DDay, the only reason they got caught was because OM was not so sharp. Sometimes she seems more open and other times she gets back into that funk of treating me badly, I always get the feeling that there may be something up with those changes. Is this a sign that she may have contact with OM still? She claims NC, but I'm no P.I. and normal snooping reveals nothing just as it did prior to DDay. The only thing I can come up with is to continue with the plan and forget about it. If I keep thinking about it I start to lose focus. But then I tell myself, if she is in contact, everything I'm doing is for naught and a waste of time and energy, advice?

There's not much you can do about what she chooses, but you can continue to make yourself the most attractive option. Be upbeat, be creative, spice up your lives without being too obvious, make sure you're dressing nicely, showering daily, smell good, making sure she's getting everything the way she likes it (ENs), and just continue as if she's staying.

And if you can talk as easily as you say, just be honest. It can be very effective to a woman if a man just admits how he's feeling. If you catch yourself doing something stupid, just laugh and smack your forehead and say 'I don't know why I did that/said that...well, I do, it's cos I'm afraid of losing you, but I won't go there.' And then just move on. But be honest, without being mopey or clingy.

What you are experiencing is normal during your Ws withdrawal. In fact, it is text book.

Try to remember that progress is not measured in days.

Also, IMHO, you should lay off the R talks for a while. There are better ways to show that you are there for her and in it for the long haul.