The A was uncovered a month ago with 3 months of agonizing over the initial "I love you but I'm not in love with you" 4 months ago. She was out of the country for 7 months and this was my welcome home surprise when she returned.

Anyway, the A is over since they live in different countries. I can't make an educated guess about the emotional side but I have to assume there is still a connection because of the recency. I have forgiven and just want to get on with making our M better. Even with the A, she is using our past to legtimize staying on the fence. Blames our situation on years of withheld hurt and neglect which I have already been working to amend, I just never believed we were this bad off.

She is still unwilling to commit and brings up the past in every conversation we have on the subject. Has yet to show any effort toward making a positive step although she was quick to commit to saving the marriage when the A first came out. All in all, things aren't terrible. We don't fight, but we don't do much else either. She's still really sensitive about everything and giving her space is one of my daily rituals.

Her time away was long for me. I supported her while she was gone, sent her everything she needed, took care of the homefront with the kids and everything else. Prepared a nice welcome home day/evening with the kids and I. 7 Months of waiting and praying and I'm greeted with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I understand that our marriage wasn't perfect but I never thought in the slightest, that it was close to the edge. I'm hoping that the A is supporting all these thoughts, that it is the root of all the turmoil in her heart. I haven't had a wife in 10 months. The lack of affection and seemingly indifferent attitude is just killing me. She's really hostile toward me when I haven't been anything but positive and supporting through all of this.

Is my situation common? When I read all these posts it seems to be, but living it makes it seem hopeless and unique. I just need to hear some encouraging words. I just feel as if she could turn this all around by deciding that she wants it to work, to make the commitment and we would be good to go, not much to ask is it?

Hope everyone is doing well

Dino,

Sorry you're here, but welcome!

Your situation is VERY typical. One of the things that wayward spouses do is to rewrite history. They will tell you that they don't know if they are in love with you....in fact....they often say they don't know if the were EVER in love with you. It's all part of the infatuation/addiction stage of the affair.

We call it "the fog" and until some of those affair chemicals wear off....you can expect more statements that don't match up with reality. Waywards are about as "aware" as a drunk.

Why was your wife away? Is the guy married?

Please give the Harley's a call and make an appointment....this situation is exactly the kind of situation that happens every single day here.

Weekends are slow, so don't lose hope. Keep posting!

Starfish
She was away for military deployment. The other guy happened to be at the same location. Typical story, she thought marriage was bad, made a friend, gone from home for a long time, fell into other guys arms. Thinks she was in love. He was married, OMW found out and blew it into the open. Both are going to be in trouble from the military, careers are over. She's home now and he lives in another country. Unless they both retire and we get divorced, their relationship is over. Of course there is nothing to keep them from contacting each other on the phone or email but she tells me that NC is in effect. They would then have to plan a move to the same location in the future which will be impossible for at least a year due to military commitments. So I guess I can say I'm lucky it that respect.

She tells me she never had any intention to do that. I don't know what to believe. I understand the fog part but she's always been very intelligent and upfront. Of course I have to question the "upfront" part since I never saw any of this coming. She's playing the "it's been over for yrs" card, and the "we haven't been friends for yrs" card. I'm happy she's still here. There are some circumstances surrounding that though, housing here in the UK is expensive and we have a commitment to the house we can't break. She says if we were back in the states, she would've moved out already. I've offered to move out with friends and she says no, uses the kids as an excuse, we haven't told them anything yet. I'm taking all these things as good signs but it's hard to keep a positve perspective on all of this, I'm doing ok though. We're not fighting and the house is peaceful. No physical contact other than the kiss goodbye or good morning/night. She says "I love you" some of the time. Everything is pretty stagnant right now, I guess that's the worse part. Still planning future things with each other, vacation etc. Impatience is my enemy. I'm working on it, have an appt next week for depression. Am seeing a counselor, have been for 4 weeks. Thanks for the encouragement. I'll keep posting, it's great outlet.

Don't believe anything. It is fog babble. Waywards reinvent the M to justify their behavior. Mine did too.

What you need is a good plan A, and seeing an IC is a good start. Remember, Plan A is about working on you. Prove to her, and yourself, that the ogre she wants to believe in does not exist. You cannot change the past but you can show her the real man you are. Be confident, secure in yourself, and stay healthy. Be courteous, polite, understanding, and charming. Be there for her to lean on but don't get clingy. Expect nothing in return. Easier said than done but you can do it. It sounds like she is in withdrawal so do not expect anything for a while. Cage your taker.

When I was where you are, it helped me to set a date to reevaluate. For example, focus on your Plan A for 'x' number of months and then look back to see if any progress has been made. This process can take months not weeks or days so try to be patient.

Shocked

Thanks for the words. Taker is locked up, he's been my worst enemy over the years. It was good to put a word to it, I always knew my Taker was ruling but never understood why. I'm doing really good in that department, she has no complaints right now. I think I have a pretty good date set, we're going on vacation in Aug. I think that would be a pretty good time to reevaluate.

You're right about not expecting anything in return being hard. The lack of affection is my worst sticking point, I've been doing well on that front for 2-3 weeks now, it's getting easier and I can see a little change.

I'm working hard on myself too. Second guessing all my past actions have been a difficult lesson in humility. Won't be that guy again, haven't been in awhile but I never really took ownership of that until now.

You're right on with the ogre point also. Prior to her leaving, she didn't treat me like an ogre, but after 7 months of separation and an A, I look worse than Shrek's evil uncle to her. Don't have any control over her perceptions but I'm definitely not giving her any reason amplify any bad perceptions. Thanks again for the encouragement, I'm planning the work and working the plan.

Dino, it looks like you know what to do. No one said this would be easy but as someone else around here mentioned, saving a M is a hero's gig.

BTW, one of my top ENs is affection so I can greatly appreciate where you are coming from. I am living proof that it can get better. Do your best not to rush or pressure her. It will only drive her away.

- Sh0cked