I'm kind of in a weird place, plan A may be unneeded due to geographic separation of WS/OM (separate countries). I'm pretty confident that there is no contact although absolute confirmation that they don't talk on the phone is impossible. She says there is none and I have to believe. I assume a certain amount of emotional attachment since the A was only uncovered 1 month ago but she says she is so overwhelmed by everything in her life (job, marriage, hurting me, hurting the family {kids know nothing}, betraying herself, upcoming retirement etc) that she is numb to any emotional feelings toward me or the OM.
The marriage is in limbo at the moment. Neither here nor there. She says she doesn't think that she can recover loving feelings toward me due to the pain of our gradual parting over the last 5 yrs or so. She does say that she wishes she could make it come back, that she hates that she feels this way. Doesn't feel that a commitment either way right now would be smart because of the amount of emotional factors she is having to deal with at once. She DID say, however, that if I were to pressure her into a decision at this time, she would opt to split. Says that's how she feels RIGHT NOW but doesn't know if she'll feel that way in a month/6 months? Says she hopes things work out but is skeptical. She has all the text book responses, "I need to be happy for myself, I don't want to be unhappy again, I don't think things can ever be the same again, I deserve to be happy, you deserve to be happy, I don't make you happy, why do you want to stay married? we aren't friends anymore, haven't been friends in years" We are cordial almost always, no fighting, no arguing, although she seems to be stressed out much of the time. She is an internalyzer, keeps everything inside, admits that she should've relayed the severity of her unhappiness back then and maybe we wouldn't be here now. Her job is very demending and I support her as much as I can on that front with dinner and kids and home things. We aren't in a place to start doing much together alone yet but we did go to dinner for our 18th anniversary the other night, things went well, cordial as usual.
Right now by biggest enemy is myself. I'm just so devastated by everything that depression is killing me and making it hard to maintain a positive impression and she tells me notices and it does have a negative effect on her. We did have a very good marriage for the first 13 yrs or so. She has been the perfect wife for me and I can honestly say that I wanted for nothing. My Taker led my actions for the last 5 yrs and destroyed what we had. I was oblivious to all this happening in the beginning and by the time I noticed, I didn't have the knowledge or tools to bring things back to a good place. She has always been a devoted wife and mother so this A was so out-of-place that I'm really terrified that the damage I caused may be to great to recover from. Don't get me wrong, I don't take blame for the A and she owns her decision as her own. The A is such a small part of the equation right now and that's what scares me the most. She asked me the text book questions "why are you changing now? why didn't you start these changes before? I wish you would have showed this to me back then" I tell her that had I known the gravity of the situation, I would have done something different. I explained that, at the time, that was how I knew how to deal with "things", I let my emotions guide my choices but I also told her that I choose not to do that anymore.
I believed we were just having the usual complications of a marriage since we weren't fighting or anything. Just some emotional distance on the physical front, but nothing life threatening. Another reason for my devastation and concern that things may be irreparable.
Are parts of plan A good for my position? Plan B isn't even on the horizon right now or should it be? I have been seeing a counselor for a month and I'm seeing a doctor this week for my depression. She is unwilling to talk with anyone right now and I haven't pressured her to do so but I did extend the invitation to talk to my counselor with or without me. I have asked her to talk to someone because of my concern for her health and not any marriage related things. She has lost some weight and is stressed much of the time, mostly due to work.
I've read alot on this site and it all makes sense. I'm unsure where my situation fits. Most of the exercises seem to involve a willing spouse and as of now, I don't have one. It makes sense to be "The Lighthouse", but don't want to be a doormat either. I am fully committed to our marriage. Our 18 yrs, 3 children and blessed lives are worth every ounce of energy I have.
Does anyone have anything for me?
