I'm kind of in a weird place, plan A may be unneeded due to geographic separation of WS/OM (separate countries). I'm pretty confident that there is no contact although absolute confirmation that they don't talk on the phone is impossible. She says there is none and I have to believe. I assume a certain amount of emotional attachment since the A was only uncovered 1 month ago but she says she is so overwhelmed by everything in her life (job, marriage, hurting me, hurting the family {kids know nothing}, betraying herself, upcoming retirement etc) that she is numb to any emotional feelings toward me or the OM.

The marriage is in limbo at the moment. Neither here nor there. She says she doesn't think that she can recover loving feelings toward me due to the pain of our gradual parting over the last 5 yrs or so. She does say that she wishes she could make it come back, that she hates that she feels this way. Doesn't feel that a commitment either way right now would be smart because of the amount of emotional factors she is having to deal with at once. She DID say, however, that if I were to pressure her into a decision at this time, she would opt to split. Says that's how she feels RIGHT NOW but doesn't know if she'll feel that way in a month/6 months? Says she hopes things work out but is skeptical. She has all the text book responses, "I need to be happy for myself, I don't want to be unhappy again, I don't think things can ever be the same again, I deserve to be happy, you deserve to be happy, I don't make you happy, why do you want to stay married? we aren't friends anymore, haven't been friends in years" We are cordial almost always, no fighting, no arguing, although she seems to be stressed out much of the time. She is an internalyzer, keeps everything inside, admits that she should've relayed the severity of her unhappiness back then and maybe we wouldn't be here now. Her job is very demending and I support her as much as I can on that front with dinner and kids and home things. We aren't in a place to start doing much together alone yet but we did go to dinner for our 18th anniversary the other night, things went well, cordial as usual.

Right now by biggest enemy is myself. I'm just so devastated by everything that depression is killing me and making it hard to maintain a positive impression and she tells me notices and it does have a negative effect on her. We did have a very good marriage for the first 13 yrs or so. She has been the perfect wife for me and I can honestly say that I wanted for nothing. My Taker led my actions for the last 5 yrs and destroyed what we had. I was oblivious to all this happening in the beginning and by the time I noticed, I didn't have the knowledge or tools to bring things back to a good place. She has always been a devoted wife and mother so this A was so out-of-place that I'm really terrified that the damage I caused may be to great to recover from. Don't get me wrong, I don't take blame for the A and she owns her decision as her own. The A is such a small part of the equation right now and that's what scares me the most. She asked me the text book questions "why are you changing now? why didn't you start these changes before? I wish you would have showed this to me back then" I tell her that had I known the gravity of the situation, I would have done something different. I explained that, at the time, that was how I knew how to deal with "things", I let my emotions guide my choices but I also told her that I choose not to do that anymore.
I believed we were just having the usual complications of a marriage since we weren't fighting or anything. Just some emotional distance on the physical front, but nothing life threatening. Another reason for my devastation and concern that things may be irreparable.

Are parts of plan A good for my position? Plan B isn't even on the horizon right now or should it be? I have been seeing a counselor for a month and I'm seeing a doctor this week for my depression. She is unwilling to talk with anyone right now and I haven't pressured her to do so but I did extend the invitation to talk to my counselor with or without me. I have asked her to talk to someone because of my concern for her health and not any marriage related things. She has lost some weight and is stressed much of the time, mostly due to work.

I've read alot on this site and it all makes sense. I'm unsure where my situation fits. Most of the exercises seem to involve a willing spouse and as of now, I don't have one. It makes sense to be "The Lighthouse", but don't want to be a doormat either. I am fully committed to our marriage. Our 18 yrs, 3 children and blessed lives are worth every ounce of energy I have.

Does anyone have anything for me?

First of all - Plan A doesn't merely consist of exposure. Plan A is about meeting her emotional needs and becoming a better man. These changes need to be permanent changes, regardless of whether or not you recover the marriage.

2nd of all, take care of the physiological causes of depression. Exercise to enhance quality of sleep, seeing a doctor and getting medical help for it is essential to being able to do a good permanent Plan A.

Have you read the book, His Needs Her Needs yet?

Thanks for the reply. I feel like I have a pretty good roadmap to get where I need to go. I feel like I've become a better man in the last year or so and she agrees with that. I guess I can say that I haven't been completely blind to the deterioration of our marriage, I just changed the things "I" assumed would make it better instead of finding out about her ENs. We've talked about all of this. I have become a better man and I know it, she says I'm the perfect father, the perfect husband, she says someone looking from the outside in and not knowing our "history" would think she was crazy for acting the way she does. It's the friendship part that I've failed the most. This is her most important emotional need.

The depression is my biggest hurdle. I feel as if we're so close to getting to our goal. Now, I realize that our marriage isn't going to be healed overnight, but I know inside my soul that I'm a better man and can do my part in making our relationship better, honest and healthy. Like I said, knowing that we're so close to it and yet being so far away, tugs at my heart and that is something I am aware of and am working on.

Another question, is complete exposure necessary to being successful in Plan A? Since contact isn't a concern anymore, is it necessary involve everyone in the family at this point? Both of our workplaces are aware of the A. I'm pretty sure she has told her's and my sister which are her only real confidants. At this point in the journey, we both agreed to leave the children out for now. Our home life is as healthy as can be and the welfare of our children are our number one concern. At this point, we both agree that telling the kids (14,16,23) is unnecessary and would do more harm than good. Neither parents on either side are aware of transgressions made by either of us. I'm just really concerned to make sure I'm doing everything possible to move in the right direction.

I haven't read the book yet but will have it on order today. Thanks again for the reply.

IF their is NC, then no need to tell the kids at this time.
I would lean to tell her parents. They can be a help to keep her focused on whats important. Wait and see what others have to say.

Thanks TR

I think were going to stay this course for awhile. I have to remind myself to have some patience. It has only been a month since DDay and things are progressing at a cordial pace.

I'm going on a business trip for 2 weeks on 21 Apr. Trying not to attach any hopeful outcome from this break apart, I'm hoping that it has a positive effect on her. I know that my sulking doesn't help her any and maybe a little space will do her good. It will also give me a chance to work on my codependency issues. We're used to separation because of duty related things and up until DDay, there had never been a problem. I'm usually the one going away, this was her first extended trip and our rocky situation contributed to the A.

Yea, I think exposure will be on the backburner for now. If and when it has to happen, I will be exposing both of our transgressions. Each of our sisters know about my A but that's all. I'm hoping that if they find out, they will have a positive influence on our outcome. My WW has a friend who had an A and evetually divorced her BS. WW used to wonder how she could do that but now says she understands her need to pusue her own happiness. My sister also divorced her husband of 18 yrs for reasons of unhappiness. WW has expressed the need to apologize to my sister for treating her badly during the divorce which lead to the suicide of my bother-in-law. I guess that's another part of my reluctance to expose. I fear that it may have to opposite effect in our case, it could open the road for her to feel cleansed and part ways. Our family is very close on both sides and all would wish her whatever she needs to be happy. I'm not sure how much anyone would push her toward the pain of trying to save a marriage that has already caused her so much pain.

I too had issues with infidelity (PA) 5 yrs ago, we got through it but not in a healthy way. My eagerness to get past it and her ability to internalize her pain were the seeds for what is now our soured and troubled marriage. We're on somewhat of a path now, if I can keep from thinking about a negative outcome, I believe we may be able to save "us" if and when she is ready to begin the recovery process.

Thanks again TR

Dino - you are expecting WAY too much for a month after d-day.

Your wife is in withdrawal.

Dino,

I'm with BK, you're way too early into this to be expecting everything to be going the way you want it to be.

Plan A is not just exposing the affair, but also is designed to lure your wife back into commitment to the marriage. In order to do that you must identify her ENs and begin meeting them as much as she allows them to be met by you.

At the same time you need to identify any love busters you may be committing routinely and stop them dead. Just trying harder isn't the goal, you have to stop taking away from her love bank by anything that you do, and that means killing love busters all together.

If her affair just ended, especially if it ended simply because she transfered home, she has a ways to go before she gets over OM. I know this isn't fair, but you can be her hero by helping her to complete withdrawal and then as you continue to meet her ENs and avoid love busters she should begin to once more develop feelings for you.

And just so you understand how serious the problem really is, you have to verify that she has had no contact with OM since she got home. Any contact keeps the affair going in her mind and will result in you not making any progress at all. She should not have any contact with him whether by phone, email, postal delivery, IM, SMS,...nothing in the way of contact at all.

The thing is that you can't simply demand that she have no contact and you can't ask and take her word for it. You must keep yourself informed of the facts.

Until she has gone with no contact with OM for two or three months (not weeks, months...) she will have no interest in working on the marriage with you. That is why NC is so critical. If she goes 3 weeks without her fix of OM and then gets an email from him, she is right back to day one and you have to begin all over once more.

Do the meeting ENs and avoiding love busters part of Plan A for about 3 or 4 weeks while snooping to verify NC is real, then let's see how things are going before you throw the plan out and look for something else.

Mark

BK/Mark

Thanks for the replies. I know it's way too early, I'm in it for the long haul. I guess it seems longer than month for me. She's actually been home for 4 months. She dropped the love "bomb" on me as soon as she got back. So she's been detached from me for 4 months now. DDay was only a month ago so I now know that the A was probably the catalyst for all of this. I feel as if the A has been exposed for 4 months, it was going on for 6 months and the confirmation is only a month old.

I'm right on track for the LB/DJ aspect. We are very cordial with each other, never fight. We have raised voices on occasion while she vents all her "fog" on me. She still does that in every conversation on the subject. I am very respectful and see nothing positive in me getting angry. We'll see how it goes in the next few weeks.

As far as the NC goes. The military has issued a "no contact" order on both of them. This involves reading their rights. NC for the military is the same as defined in MB. Any contact will be in violation of a direct order and could possibly result in jail time. I have to assume that she's smarter than that, we're both career military over 20 yrs each. She was very smart about the A, I did have suspicions about an A prior to DDay and I snooped quite alot but found nothing. She did get a new cell phone number after DDay, but there's no way of confirming anything as far as phone calls. Cell phones here in the UK are pay-as-you-go so there are no records or bills, she could've changed it to remain in contact but I'd drive myself crazy thinking about that. I hope she's genuine about NC but can see no way for me to confirm other than asking her straight up. It usually causes stress when I do, but that's to be expected. This NC thing is a thorn in my side since it's just about the only thing I can't confirm. Then again, it seems I don't really have a hold on much other than myself.

Thanks again for the replies, I'll keep posting