I’m new to this and not sure where’s the right place to post within the MB Forum. Following the advice of a veteran who replied to my first post, I moved it from Plan A/Plan B to this forum and hope to get the perspectives I'm seeking. I tried to implement Plan B but after my unremorseful WH moved back in, things are worse and he still continues his affairs via internet. I'm trying to decide what to do and have been seeking information and relevant perspectives. Here's some background of our journey after discovery day.

In a few weeks it'll be two years since discovery of WH’s A in a Latin American country where he frequently travelled for work. The A began shortly after we decided to start a family after 10+ years of marriage but before we knew I got pregnant successfully after we tried for two months. He was the one who initiating starting a family, and yet, he was also the one who pursued the OW to start an A not long after that! Right at around the same time when the A began, WH also began frequenting pornographic websites. Consequently, our relationship became very strained throughout my first and second trimesters, especially with all the my hormonal flux from pregnancy. I discovered the A during our babymoon holiday abroad, which was just before my third trimester. By then, he’s already five months into the A. Although WH no longer travels to that country after our baby’s birth, and the physical A has ceased 9 months after it began, the A still continues via the internet.

I actually came across the MB website before discovering his A. In fact, I was researching about marital crisis when our relationship first became very strained at the beginning of my pregnancy. I wrote a long letter about how troubled I was by the strain we started to experience, and asked if he’s involved with someone else. WH denied that. I found MB’s EN questionnaire and made both of us fill one out. However, discovery of WH’s A came very shortly afterwards and everything just went into a tailspin. I was also dealing with my first pregnancy, and the emotional roller coaster from the devastation of my discovery. During this time, I’ve read so much information, especially the concepts on the MB website, including Plan A/Plan B.

Although I’ve exposed the A to both of our parents, WH was never keen about all the clinical psychological analysis, counselling, etc. He’s convinced that he’s been the perfect husband except for the A, whereas I am a terrible wife with whom he’s fallen out of love, or worse yet, with whom he now believes was never really in love. Six months after our baby was born, after I tried Plan A, I asked him to move out. By then, I’ve returned to full-time work from maternity leave and the marital stress was getting too taxing on me together with new working motherhood. Most of all, he was non-responsive to my Plan A efforts and has repeatedly violated his promises of NC. So I tried Plan B. He asked to return after moving out for a week and wrote a long letter committing to a number of things and conditions I’ve requested before, such as counselling, daily communication, a plan of marital recovery, NC (again), etc. I even asked him to wait for two more weeks so he could think very hard to be sure of this decision, while I maintained NC with him during Plan B.

I thought this was enough and initially thought, wow, Plan B really worked. He did move back in at the end of the three weeks, making the commitment to work on us. However, his contact with OW resumed shortly after he moved back. A foreign assignment opportunity came up and I wanted a fresh start for us, changing scenary for the marriage. He was supportive of the move. I insisted that if he were to continue the contact with OW and decay our marriage further, then we should take this opportunity to separate, put some distance between us, and see where life brings each of us. He wavered heavily about whether to move given that request. Our entire family did end up moving to Europe shortly after our baby turned one although his decision was made at the last minute, somewhat reluctantly. Sadly, WH again resumed the contact with OW (see a pattern here?) shortly after we moved. So now we are continuing down this destructive path for our family, except it's with us all in a foreign country.

Since discovery of the A, WH has refused any kind of counselling and claimed that he has been unhappy for many years, and that I didn't meet his needs or else he wouldn't have to have an affair. He also believes that articles I found on websites such as MarriageBuilders only confirmed his justification of the A. Even though he acknowledged that the A was a mistake, now that he's had it (and still continuing it), he claims that he is not in love with me anymore. He questioned if he ever was and he doesn't think he can be again. I kept asking him to reconcile why he would initiate starting a family at that time if he was unhappy for that long and never loved me. WH believes that OW’s his true love, soul mates, that they are made for each other. He has said before that now he's only staying for our child. His own father left his mother for another woman when he and his brothers were pre-teens. Even though he claims he doesn’t want his child to not know him, he can't stop the frequent and extensive correspondences with her, in which he still makes promises and future plans with her.

Leading up to our move, even though he was distant and aloof and down right rude sometimes, and we did fight and argue a lot, but at least we were communicating all the pains and hurt we felt. Now, after we've been in Europe, he continues all the unacceptable behaviors including frequent correspondences with her and his addiction to pornography on the internet. In addition, WH completely shuts off communication with me, just going through the minimum exchanges and motions for what need to be done to care for our child and his daily life.

I've been going through emotional roller coasters for more than a year after discovery and am devastated by what we are going through. However, I was willing to do anything to save our marriage and hoped to preserve a complete yet happy, healthy family unit for our child. Now I'm not sure if that's even a possibility because it does take the both of us. And my husband seems to still be missing in any commitment to a marital recovery. As the MB forum veteran said, WH has never come out of the fog, and is still wayward. He was never truly engaged in or committed to rebuilding us.

My assignment is for two years. There is about another year left before I have to decide whether to extend here or to return to the US. What I had hoped as a change of scenary and fresh start for our marriage isn't happening. And I've already tried Plan B. Though in hindsight, I didn’t implement Plan B properly the first time. I am now struggling with the strain my marriage still experiences, being the main bread winner, being a working mom and being in a foreign country all at the same time. I would like different perspectives from anyone who may have dealt with similar issues as I am deciding what to do next, how to move on, or just stay in this status quo.

Seekinginfo

Welcome to MB, and congratulations on having your first son.

I think you realize that your marriage isn't going to recover until he has no contact with the other woman.

Is he working? Or are you the only one supporting the family?

I don't see anything working here now except for Plan B. Plan A has absolutely no effect on him and he's cake eating. The only way he might ever care enough is Plan B and losing what he had.

Oh, and having to support himself!

I don't think you "tried Plan B" at all. It sounds as if you had a brief separation during which you maintained contact with him.

You mentioned that he is resistant to psychological analysis, but have you analyzed your on motivations here? What are you getting from this relationship that makes it worth continuing in its present state?

Thanks for everyone's feedback….And to answer your questions…

To Believer

You are right and I know that until he can truly cut off all contact with OW, our marriage will not have any chance of recovery. WH worked until our relocation to England. Unexpected settling-in issues caused our original childcare arrangement to fall through, so he couldn't commit to a start date to offers here. By the time things got settled in, the job market has turned south and the job search has been difficult. I am the only one working currently.

To Charynne

In hindsight, I think the same as you about the first Plan B. I had minimal contact during that brief separation, and I thought only out of necessity. I did take his call a week after he moved out, when his car broke down in a bad part of town and called me for help. A few days later his second call was to say he wanted to move back, and to work on us. After that, I asked him to wait two more weeks and think very hard about it, in writing indicate what he was willing to do to work on us. He wrote on his own initiative his agreement to conditions I've previously said were important, communication, NC with OW, counseling, etc.. I thought that was enough since he did all that on his own. During those two weeks, I did take his calls and didn't insist on NC.

Fastforward to now, I had hoped to use the foreign assignment as a change of scenary for us, and a chance to make new and happy memories as a couple and a family. I would like to do what I can to give our marriage another chance. He liked the idea too. I said we could also take this opportunity to separate if he couldn't go through with NC with OW. Now that's he's moved to Europe with us, he's not kept his promises. I shouldn't be surprised since he's not kept his promises after he moved back in before.

To Catperson (and Charynne)

At this point, in the present state with him continuing the affair, and we staying distant and aloof with no progress on our marriage, I have given Plan B (a properly implemented one) much serious thoughts. There are so many challenges to that with timing and location, however. He is without a job and we've sold our cars and rented our house out in ths US, and moved all household goods here. I feel morally incapable to ask him to move out now to do a proper Plan B. Although I am prepared for the additional financial burden, it will deplete our savings entirely between getting full-time childcare in an expensive country while losing half of our income at the same time and paying for his own rental and living expenses. I don't have any family or established support network in this country to help me in transition.

Yes he is a cake-eater. Despite what's happened, I do still love my WH, and it is worth more than anything to try what I can to spend the rest of my life with my first love and my son's own father in a happy family unit. I am also financially independent and emotionally strong enough to go on to raise my toddler son on my own. Honestly, as this continues as it is, and coming up on 2 years after DDay, I am beginning to lose hope. I also know that it takes both my WH and I to rebuild our marriage. He's still in a fog and continuing the affair. I don't think anyone can make him cut the contact off unless he does it on his own terms and in his own time table. I'm also beginning to lose respect for WH and my trust in him has deteriorated further because of his repeat violation of his own promises.

If anyone has had similar challenges, I'd welcome good suggestions for a good Plan B or effective alternatives under these circumstances.

Seekinginfo

He has parents? Buy him a plane ticket and send him to them.

He decided to come with you, and you decided to have him with you, based on a contract of sorts. He extended an offer to you, describing what he would do to rebuild your relationship, and you accepted his offer. He has breached the contract.

Plan B is intended to preserve the love you still have for your spouse, while he comes to his senses. It also allows you space to heal, away from the hurt inflicted by constant contact with a person who is indifferent to the pain he is causing you with his actions.

Yes, you will have additional expense. What is the monetary value of your self-worth and peace of mind? If a real Plan B ultimately restores your marriage, what is the value of that?