Hello Everybody,
I have been cruising this forum for some time, and I just recently had some new info from my WS that has brought me here as a first time poster. My H had admitted to me that he was having an EA about 8 months ago after 22 years of marriage and 2 kids. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I definitely wasn't expecting that kind of news. He was the last person on earth that I would have EVER expected could do something like that to his wife. I ask if it had become physical, and he said only a kiss here and there...and of course I believed him. He had always been honest in the past and I had no reason not to believe him now, especially since he was coming clean with everything. Well yesterday, it came out that they had been physical & were still meeting and being physical (as recently as a month ago), even after he told me that it was over with her and he wanted to fix our marriage. I feel even more betrayed than the first time he confessed. I didn't mention that before he confessed the first time to the EA, a few weeks before that he said he didn't think he loved me anymore. I asked if there was someone else and he said "not yet". Another lie. So in total I have had to go through the grieving process three times, with this last time really throwing me for a loop. He says he wants to make it work, but how can I believe him or ever trust him again?? I do love him and I haven't always been the best wife (though I have never cheated on him) so I am not putting all the blame on him. Even after I thought we were going to try to repair our marriage, he was still lying, still seeing HER!!! Now, here is my dilemma: I know that in order for our marriage to work I will have to trust him again, but how can I?? Also the thoughts of eventually having any type of sex life makes me sick at my stomach. I keep imagining things and I can't get them out of my head. I don't think I can ever be intimate with him again, after knowing that he shared these things with another woman. Please help me with any advice that you can. Both from the WS & BS perspective if possible.
Thanks so much!!!

longing2bloved,

I am sorry that you are here. There are very wise people on this board that can help you get through this. Unfortunately, constant lies are part of an A and one of the most difficult things to heal from. If you want to try and save the M, there are things you can do. Read everything you can, especially on Plan A. Learn about the carrot and the stick.

Is the OW married? If so, you must tell her H. He deserves to know and it is the best way to try and break up the A.

Longing...so sorry to hear of your challenges.

I am somewhat new here (not a wise one yet) but I have been where you are. My thread is in General Questions ("Recovery Between Work, School, and Soccer?") but long story short, FWH had a two year EA that he denied the whole time, then ended that (supposedly) and actually continued two more years until he eventually admitted to me that the entire four years had been a PA. Talk about several waves of recovery!

It sounds like your H is in the fog...have you read Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair? If not, get it. And it sounds to me like you need to follow the plan until he completely commits to the M.

I felt the same way at the beginning...I will NEVER trust him again, I will NEVER be able to be intimate with him again...it has only been a month (which is a very short time in recovery terms) and I can already see that it is possible to recover from this. I am lucky that my FWH is VERY committed to the recovery process...sometimes more than I feel like I am...but it takes time.

Read some of the success stories on General Questions to bolster your strength. Read the information here. Learn how to make your M better. It is possible to recover.

Good luck and keep posting.

Your husband needs to send her a no contact letter. It should say that the affair was a huge mistake and unfair to you and his family and that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage. That he wants no contact with her forever for any reason. Then you read and send the letter.

He will need to be an open book, account for his time away from you, give you his passwords and access to his phone and computer.

If he does the work toward recovery, you will start trusting him. But it usually takes a couple of years. This stuff is NOT easy to get over.

In the meantime, YOU can change the things that made your marriage vulnerable to an affair.

First I want to thank those who have replied to my original post. I have felt so alone in this, as I feel like I can't possibly drag my friends and family into this mess. My husband has told me tonight that he wants to try counseling to see if we can save our marriage, but when I ask him to cut off all contact with the OW, he says he can't do that until he talks with the counselor first. I don't understand. I know it will take him a while to get over how he feels about her on an emotional level, but why can he just quit calling her & tell her to quit calling him. I just can't bear the thoughts of sitting through counseling and giving it my all, just for him to turn around and hurt me yet again. Do you think that I should agree to go to counseling, even though he says he cannot severe all ties with her at this time. Do I need to just bite the bullet and take the chance. Thanks!!

Actually you need to drag your friends, family and kids into this. You need to expose his affair. That sometimes makes an affair end. Don't warn him that you are going to do this. Just do it.

The problem with your marriage right now is the affair. I'm sure there are some things you did or didn't do that left your marriage open to something like this. But the main problem now is the AFFAIR. So going to counseling while he is still involved with his affair partner is a waste of time and money.

Sometimes men will go to counseling just to assuage their guilt and so that they can say they did everything possible to save the marriage.

The next thing you need to do is to read all about Plan A and start there. Change anything that your husband complained about. Look attractive, keep your home warm and welcoming. Be cheerful and upbeat.

Pretend your husband is a drug addict, because that is how they act during an affair. Realize that the only thing that will make him want to really work on the marriage is NO MORE DRUG.

So sorry you are here. You are NOT alone. You are in the right place.

I wanted to second what Believer is telling you. She is one of the "veterans" around here, and I hope you will give her advice the consideration it deserves.

Your knee-jerk reaction is going to be to obsess over what your WS is telling you and what he is doing. I know, I have BTDT. BUT the best thing you can do is to assume he will lie...assume he will say whatever he can to continue contact with his OW...and assume he will NOT do things in your best interest at this time.

Instead of focusing on him, you need to focus on getting your Plan A and Exposure act together immediately.

Have you read the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" and WAT Quick Start Guide here in Just Found Out? If you haven't, I would urge you to do so.

The only counseling I would consider is setting up an appointment with the Harleys.

Last thing, in case you don't read up on the above mentioned threads, you need to make sure your husband has STD testing before you resume SF.

Hang in there.

Good point on the SF, BitterPill. I neglected to warn about that. Testing needs to be done before relations resume. Glad you caught that!

Longing...are you still around? I know how hard it is at the beginning (heck, I'm still in the beginning, I think) but posting here will help.

I hope that your days are going well and that you know you have support from here whenever you need it.

-HTM

Just wanted to add my support here. If you do much reading here, you will see that your situation is pretty much text book stuff. So many of us have been there done that over the past several years.

WS don't get it, especially in the beginning. They have some residual misplaced concerns for the OP. The fact that the OP volunteered to be involved with someone who wasn't available doesn't entitle them to any pity from anyone and most WS eventually come to understand that.

Frankly, I think that most unrepentant WS are truely cowards, they can't handle being honest with their BS and most try to tell themselves that it is the BS who can't handle the truth.

One of the first things I asked my FWH on d-day was why didn't you just leave me? He was baffled that I would even consider that was what he wanted.

Duh?

Also, I wouldn't recommend any counseling with anyone other than the Harleys especially while contact is still on going.

Who

Longing: On this site, you are getting the best advise you could ever receive. I am by no means an expert. I have only been here a short while and I'm still reeling from my H's A that I discovered in Dec.
I agree with exposing the A. In the beginning of my rollercoaster ride, I exposed to everyone just out of an urge to figure out what was happening. My H was my main support unit and here he was ripping my heart out! I turned to everyone and being a typical Woman from Venus, talking helped me work it out. Now my H has these people to face up too. He'd even given his father a half-truth, so he now has to meet his father's expectations. My close friends treat him differently and even my father told him he didn't expect him to straighten out, and that made my H want to fight even more for our marriage. Besides proving to me he wants to be a decent husband and father, he has all these other eyes watching him and making him fight harder. That OW didn't stand a chance after exposure!