NO, you shouldn't and if you're thinking you should you need to stop. I have caused so much pain and grief that will only continue to effect others that are not yet ready for such a thing. Do you want to know what it turns your days into? Then read on...

D-DAY

A few days earlier I posted a blog about how I have decided to change, how I needed to give this marriage one last shot. I am going to become a better person, husband and father. It felt good to tell the world about what I wanted to do and let everyone know that I wasn’t great but was going to be great from here on out. One person didn’t like that blog and it was the other woman. This other woman was someone that I had spent time with a few months back. I spent time with her for the wrong reasons. It was even emotional or physical. It was more about a job that I was doing. Anyway, she read this blog because low and behold, she still had strong feelings for me that I didn’t have for her. She sent me an e-mail and left a voice mail about how angry she was. And well, it pushed me over the edge of trying to tell my wife about the other woman. I really wanted to and I took this as a sign that it was something I just had to do.

It was later at night after our great day and I just couldn’t take it any more. I started to break down and it all came out. I was apologetic, I was hurt, I was devastated. Though not nearly as hurt and devastated as I knew my wife would be. Honesty, just something that I had to do if I was going to be this new person. I told her, she didn’t yell, she didn’t slap me. She asked questions and I gave her answers. I could tell that she was hurt. And it hurt me that I had to do that.

For the rest of that night I sat in bed awake. The feelings of suicide rushed in. And they rushed in hard. I sat there telling myself to shut up, trying to get those thoughts to go away. Over and over again I would mumble, “go.... a.... way...., GO.... A..... WAY.....” I would get up and pace and get back in bed, get back up and back in bed. I went down the stairs and into the furnace room where I took a certain gun and pulled it out of it’s case. I took out 1 bullet and put it right near the fun, holding the gun to my head, in my mouth, against my temple. Talking to myself the entire time.

“GO..... A..... WAY..... GO.... A....... WAY.....”
I did everything I could to just make it through the night, which I did. I got the kids to school and began my drive to work. Looking at every pole, post, rock ledge in an attempt to find the perfect spot to end my life. I had to pull the car over. Some where there was still part of my trying to hold it off. I called my mom and told her about everything. It wasn’t easy but I told her about everything. She calmed me down enough to get to the office. I figured, once at work I could get through the day. How wrong I was. Being in front of my computer and staring into the monitor made it all worse. I made one final call and it was the right one. The person that will soon become my therapist. She was supposed to become our therapist but that’s pretty much out of the question right now. She got me to the point of safety and I kept the suicide hotline near by.

Of course she then called Adrienne, who in turn called me and said “cut the [censored]”, and something along the lines of how if I’m going to kill myself I should just get it over with. That didn’t help but I knew that was coming from a certain anger that I just couldn’t understand. I made it through the day to our night, which was supposed to be a date until I screwed that up as much as humanly possible. We went out to dinner so she could tell me what she was feeling and well. It wasn’t good. How could I expect any less, I really wasn’t a nice person to her at all. It’s not about what she could have done for me or I could have done better for her, it’s about the pain she was currently in.

The talk brought up certain feelings and points that she had. Asking for what she had wanted a few weeks back. Space. Asking that I not sleep in the bed, understandable. Telling me that I have caused her too much pain.

In this talk she brought up other points that right now, 27 hours later I still don’t understand. Points that really hurt. I can’t say as if she was being honest, that these feelings she was talking about actually existed or if they were words of anger and spite for what I had done to her. WOW, did they hurt though.

Things like, I would have left you long ago and many times if it wasn’t for the financial support that I needed from you. Or how I could never find anyone as good as her and she could do so much better than me. And while those words really do hurt, and really do cause me anger, I still just want to give us one more shot to show her what I can do and who I can be with out screwing this all up. And with in that talks she did honestly say that she would keep a sliver of light open. We went home and I was on the couch she was upstairs in our bed. I guess I should say now her bed. I just felt like I needed one night there. Just to get one nights sleep. So I asked if I could just stay on my side, I wouldn’t touch her I wouldn’t infringe on her space. Just the bed. What a fool, I was already disregarding one of the things she had asked for. I changed my mind and said that she could just stay there.

And that brings us to today. The morning really wasn’t that bad. I told her that we really need to keep this from this kids until she knows 100% if she will be staying or leaving, we talked about possible sharing the bed a night or two a week just so the kids think I just fell asleep on the couch. And it all ended with a great hug that really had energy from her in it. Not a “I don’t want to be touching you” hug but a really great hug! She went out with her sister and we met at her parents house for dinner where things were 100% different and I can’t help but feel her sister is filling her head with everything possible to sabotage us. I really can’t understand it. So the day that was good turned awful. Hang on, that made it sound like the day was good. It really wasn’t. I had tears flowing more often than I care to remember but that hug really made me feel like there was some light in the future where as after she spent the afternoon with her sister I felt like light was something that has never existed.

I guess these are all feelings that I should have. Why should I have this easy. Why should she be nice to me. She shouldn’t. Really, I deserve everything that will come my way. I deserve to be dragged up and then thrown down twice as hard. And it hurts. But again, I can’t begin to imagine the hurt that she is going through. And what an awful feeling it must be to know I betrayed her and our love.

Yet another sleepless night. The tossing and turning more than I feel like I can handle. The pit in my stomach taking my appetite away and my heart still racing which causes my legs and arms to shake. I don’t know what to do or say that can make this better. I don’t believe there is really anything. She is going to read an e-mail today that I sent her yesterday and I don’t know what she will say or think. If anything. Maybe she’ll just delete it? I may be infringing on her space by sending that e-mail, I don’t know. It just worries me. I’m scared that this time I’ve caused just too much pain and brought in too much anger. The e-mail read as follows.

“I am going to continue to give you your space, I just don't know if you want me to still talk to you about things in my head or not, which why today when you asked what was wrong I said nothing. So I figure two things, one, I can send an e-mail, that way I can get those thoughts out there and two, you can just delete them if you don't feel like reading them. I just feel like we need to still communicate and keep things open. I know everything will take time, I understand that. Just please keep a glimmer of hope in there that I can be the person you want and need. I can make you feel comfortable again and I can be there for you. I really have changed a lot of things in my head. I think you know that. I really have learned about how to be a father and a husband, it's amazing what just looking at your self and reading will do. I know you said it may be too late, and well, it may be. But I am still going to keep trying. I am still going to keep being the person I am learning how to be. To respect myself, and those around me. To respect each and every moment and day. Until you say "Tim, I can't do this anymore", I will keep trying. You just need to tell me when I'm too close or asking too much for this or that time. I am pretty good at reading you Adrienne, I have learned that. I have learned to understand you. It took a while but I have learned what you need and the way your mind works with your body. I understand that so much of that has also become part of my life.

And now, I will just continue to be the person that I am going to be. I understand your thinking about me needing a couple therapy sessions, maybe I do. In the long run maybe it will help me understand more of who I am. For today, the feelings are still quite overwhelming. I'll suck it up, but I feel like I need to tell you what I'm feeling and pretty much, the feelings are right up there with when I lost my father. At times I think more because I see you, hear you and smell you, it makes it that much harder knowing that there's a chance I will lose the first of 3 things in this world that matter most and after already losing one of the 4. And that it took me so much time to realize how badly I treated those 3 things. And when I realized how I treated you guys and began my changes I realized I did the same thing to my father when he was still with us. But I lost that and won't get to try that again. This I am trying. Just understand that if we can just give us one more shot in the future, I will provide for you like you never thought possible. I will give you the life you deserve, the kids deserve and I deserve. I will bring a new happiness to everyone. Such as the new happiness I had brought myself over the past few weeks of finding the person I am and can be. You said it yourself that I have been happy. And I really have. Because I know I can make a difference.

The world can be a beautiful place. And more beautiful with all of us in it together. Maybe the future will hold that maybe it won't. Only work and time will tell.

I know you can't and don't feel it right now, but I truly love you like I didn't think possible.”


I just read the above again and part of me feels as if parts will make her more angry, parts that right now she doesn’t want to feel but I need to communicate with her. I need to keep those lines of communication open and let her know what feelings and thoughts are in my head. There are feelings that if I shut down right now it will be that much easier for her to just walk away. So maybe there will be a response to the e-mail maybe there won’t. Though it’s this pain that you need to realize will happen if you too have an affair. Maybe you’re saying that it’s my fault for telling her about this stupid act of selfishness but it was something that had to be done because this wasn’t something I could live with now or a year from now. Who knew what if this was something that would come around further down the road. So I guess now was better. The pain of each moment just feels like such hurt and pain I have never felt. I feel empty with each and every moment and know that the anger filling her mind body and soul couldn’t be any better at all.

Now my 7 year old daughter wakes up and comes to sit next to me so she can watch a little early AM Television and the feeling of sorrow I get from just looking at her makes everything that much more unbearable. Yet again, the tears are beginning to roll and all I want to do is climb up into bed and wrap my arms around my beautiful wife and hold her near but that’s just not an option right now and may never be again.

The above brings us up to today, only a few days after she was told and I have never felt more lost. It's almost a feeling that I just can't describe with more hurt than one can imagine.

And suicide continues to linger and bounce around in my head. Not a good thing for anyone so just stop... Everyone needs to stop and feel the pain in the words above. Unbearable....

Tim,
Your email may make her angry, because you say you love her more now, after you've hurt her and betrayed your vows. My H did the same, he had to rip my heart and our children's hearts completely into shreds before he had an awakening of his grand love for us. It's been two years and i still have alot of days where i think," That's not love! The betrayal proved he never loved me. Period."
All hindsight makes me feel like he's home with us because his affair didn't work out. But, he got to try it out, move in with another woman and her kids to see if it was what he wanted more than his own wife and kids. Give me a break!


I think it's a good thing you are hurting, it proves you have a heart. So, there's hope you won't hurt someone like this ever again. You talk alot about your pain, it sounds like being unfaithful is very hard on the wandering spouses, wonder why they keep it up? Sorry, but they don't get my pity. You need to read posts from betrayed spouses on here and see the timeline of pain your wife is in store for, it will change her forever--she will not be okay for a very long time. I know, i'm still NOT OKAY, and my H and I are in recovery and he's doing all that he can to help me. He's the perfect H now, caring, considerate, gently, attentive...but now i'm different. I'm a yo-yo, filled with good and bad emotions and thoughts on each waking morning, because MY H had to leave me to know he loved me, some days i'm not so grateful for him. Alot of days i still don't want this M, because i'm different now, and i don't FEEL i love him anymore. I come to MB site to keep myself doing the things i know to do just to keep my feelings guarded so i can heal and stay in love with my H. I pray you are this fortunate.

Your wife needs more than space, she needs to see you understand her pain, you need to show remorse, and she'll need it daily for the next 2-5 years just to function in this broken state she's now in.

And, as far as the ow who's reading this: You need to go away and leave this man alone! You are not entitled to him, he is and was married. Find a man who can love you, not use you. And, one day, when you are mature, you should ask Tim's wife for forgiveness for taking part in destoying her home by being available to a married man. They say what goes around, comes around. I can only hope it's true where you're concerned.

I urge you to go to some therapy sessions. Anyone who holds a gun to their head and looks for cliffs to drive off needs some therapy right away. Do it for your family and kids.

I understand everything you say and I understand the pain you felt and she now feels. I truly do. And I can only hope that my wife gives me the same chance you have given your husband.

I didn't move out, I didn't even spend a lot of time with this other woman, but enough to know I was in the wrong.

I told her because I love her and needed her to know everything and that I need to be completely honest with her about everything.

And I posted this happening thus far so that people thinking they are going to be in an affair can see the pain that they will cause to everyone involved including themselves and the other person that will be involved. That it will be such a hurtful experience for so many. So that people can understand all the pain and see the daily experience. I am keeping it and writing about it daily so that I have a book for myself about what an awful person I have been. I don't look for pity, I don't look for an "it's okay". I just need to show as many people as possible the pain that it will cause!

And thank you for reading the post and responding, it is a little more understanding hearing about what she is and will be going through.

I understand, and my therapist is the one that saved me. I will be going to see her on Tuesday night as well. And here's to some glimmer of hope that there will still be a complete family in the future.

Tim,
I would suggest keeping to a single thread so people can see the progression of your thoughts without having to search through all of your old posts.

You need to get to a healthy place where you will be able to survive even if your wife decides to divorce you...and that is a real possibility. When people choose the act of infidelity, they also choose the possibility of divorce as a consequence.

Find ways to help your wife....and heal yourself.

There is a lot of hope for your marriage. But first you need to take care of your feelings. Your family is depending on you.

We BS's know the pain and think that the WS gets away with the affair and no pain. But the truth is that often the WS suffers more than the BS. With all the talk of how painful an affair is to the BS, we forget that the Harleys warn about the thoughts of suicide that the WS may have. In fact, one WS here DID commit suicide.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Guys, be careful. Something about this post just does not ring true. It's long, it's dramatic and provides a wish list of everything a BS would love to believe.

I'm sorry you feel that way but what is written above IS what I am going through and putting the rest of my world through. There is nothing that isn't true, there is nothing that I need to believe because I know that the above is the truth. I will continue to update it in hopes that if I can show just one person what an affair does to a family even if they believe they're above it, I feel as if I helped. If it ends up that nothing can help my M maybe, just maybe the pain that is coming through and shared will help another. You and others can believe what you want but it is the complete truth. I screwed up in such a huge way and I take full blame and responsibility. I'm just sorry that you don't see is the same.

JT, have you ever posted here under a different name?

No, there were other posts leading up to this about trying to save our marriage and how to have her show some kind of commitment to our marriage and that there was, about 3 weeks ago a talk about how she needed space and what not, all of which hurt and I was looking for any guidance up to this point when I had to be 100% honest with her. So no, never under another name. Just me. Why do you ask?

I can only hope that what you said about my marriage will stand true. And you're right, I feel like I need to take care of myself and my feelings which I am honestly working on. I brought those firearms to my mothers house today so that they are no longer in my possession which was very hard but I did it. I feel like that was a major step to keeping myself around. The pain is still so much but I just try to keep thinking about the pain she is going through and that I need to step up and understand that I caused it all. I'm only 31, I can do this either way. That's what I continue to tell myself. We'll just see what hope shines through. And unless someone says not to, I will continue to post on the feelings and happenings so that people can continue to see what happens after an affair. And not even a very emotional or intimate one. This was so light compared to what others talk about, not good but light. I can only imagine if it was more.

Thank you all for reading and sharing your thoughts and reminding me that there may be something good at the end. Even if there may not.

JT: actions speak louder than words.

Long emails & dragged out conversations & repetitive promises sure can serve to irritate your BW.

I say get busy - fix you & hopefully your BW will see & appreciate it. But that's what needs to be done regardless.

So are you saying that I need to not e-mail her? I know that repetitive promises can make her upset and irritated but I feel like we still need to let each other know how the other feels. So do I stop e-mailing her? I did give her flowers and a card this morning, I wasn't there when she got them but I left them for her. Just saying that I am sorry for all the pain and anger I have caused.

I just don't know if I should still continue being as much of a husband as she accepts right now or step further away? Do you have thoughts on that?

First of all, if you love your wife and kids half as much as you say you do then suicide should be the last thing on your mind. Suicide is a selfish act which would cause even further pain. Do you really want to make your already hurting wife have to be the strong person for your grieving kids? Do you want your kids to feel the worst pain they possibly could? If you say no, then stop using threats of suicide to try to get your wives sympathy.

Second, when you tell her that you are sorry for all the pain you caused, are you specific that you are sorry for the pain you caused her or just pain in general. My husband told me numerous times he was sorry that people got hurt. That just pissed me off because I assumed he was including himself and the OW. I did not care that they were hurt by their affair, it was their choice to do what they knew was wrong. When he finally said he was sorry for hurting me I broke down and sobbed, it finally felt like my pain was more important than his or anyone elses.

Third, follow your wives lead and step back when you can see that she needs you to and be there for her when you can see that she wants you to. Discuss this in counseling. Maybe she uses certain body language that you can learn to read. For example, when I want my husband to hug me or reasure me I tend to sit on my hands, our counselor pointed this out and told my husband to reach out for me when I do this. So maybe there is something she does that will help you know when to stay away and when to get close.

Last, put your wife first right now. Give to her and support her without expecting anything back. It will mean so much more than if she senses you are doing things for her because you want a certain response from her.

I understand the suicide thing and those are the exact thoughts that my therapist pulled me through with. Before talking to her that morning I had justified that the pain of my leaving would be less than the current pain. I understand that would not be the case and that she would have a new pain and hurt to deal with as well as still having the "old" one.

And I did say that I was sorry for the pain and hurt that I caused her. She knows that I am hurting and that's not the problem. I deserve to hurt. She just doesn't want to know that right now. And she knows that I have no feelings at all about OW. I think I have a hard time when I don't see reactions from her knowing if what I did was good or bad. I'm not saying I deserve it. I have always just had a hard time knowing what to do when I don't know if what I'm doing is right. And that is one of the reasons your words helped pull me into the right place. That I just need to follow her needs the best I can. I just worry that any ground that is built up with us will be torn right back down when she goes back to hang out with her sister.

Originally, the counseling was supposed to be for us, she said she would come on Tuesday as my friend but that I'm on my own from there on out. That this counseling won't be about us. I understand that and respect her wishes. I will continue to go and try to understand this.

And each and every day I will continue to put my wife first. I had been doing that for the past 4 weeks or so after I had originally found this site teaching me to be the best husband I could be. HOPE will continue and I will try to do everything I can. At least then knowing that I tried to heal the pain and anger in every way I could. If it leads to an end, I tried. I will continue to hope and continue to take any words from anyone. good or bad.

I believe I can be the husband she needs. I just wish I had found this site years ago.

And the rest of today. Again, if people don't want to read this you don't have to. I am going to continue to post this maybe daily, maybe every once in a while about the pain I am in and the hurt I am putting her through and anyone else that ends up involved. Again, because this is to serve as a guide to what pain will be caused you should decide to have that affair instead of just talking with your spouse about it all.
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It really does blow my mind, how I can sit here and feel this pain and sorrow. It doesn’t blow my mind that it’s there, that’s understandable. What blows my mind is that I even give myself the right to feel it. How can I feel this when I was the one that caused so much more pain and anger. That’s just pathetic. I need to tell my wife this. I need to tell her that I will take what ever the outcome of this confusion is and until that outcome has happened, I will do everything I can to help her get through this. I will take every punch she can throw and all the pain in hopes that she can heal her own wounds. In the healing maybe I can still be involved in her life more than just with our children but I look at it from a distance.

I am currently at my mothers house taking a break from our home. The kids are having a great day here and it’s nice to see. They don’t have any clue about what is going on and I want to keep it that way but my wife does not. She thinks that they need to know this now. I don’t believe she understands the pain that this is going to cause them. I know that it’s mostly my fault but I don’t think she understands. I would rather not say a thing until she decides that this isn’t going to work for us. At that time they need to know. I say this because I was the same age as my son when my parents got divorced and I know what he will go through. And I can only imagine what my daughter will go through who is only 7. The fact that my selfish decision will effect them as well makes the pain that much harder. They will grow and will in time understand but I know at their current age they will feel lost and abandoned.

From here we will head home, some where I fear that the flowers I got my wife this morning will be in the garbage disposal. I wouldn’t blame her, but I can only hope that she did not go to such great lengths. And most likely, the card in the garbage. The card that was just with pure sympathy and I told her how sorry I truly am for causing her this pain and anger. And how I would give my soul to take that away from her. Part of me wants to make her an offer right now that if I were to ever cause this pain and anger again I would leave the house but continue to pay the mortgage, the bills and give her an extra $500.00 per month. Really meaning that she would never have to have a full time job again. She could continue with her part time thing. I would do that because I know that the change is real and thought it sounds drastic, it’s something I would never have to worry about. I just think she wouldn’t see it as that. I don’t know. Maybe it’s one of those actions that would speak louder than words. Who knows. Time will tell. And for now, this time, right here, I will continue to sit is this self created misery and know that I brought it on myself. That while yes, it took other actions or lack there of to open that door, I was the one that walked through it.

To top off the feelings, I get this calm happy feeling as I check my inbox and there is an e-mail from my beautiful wife and am let down, as I should be, that it is just about Lacrosse practice for my 7 year old daughter.

I agree 100% with your wife. Kids should be told of the affair in an age appropriate manner.

they are 11 and 7. Age appropriate? Your thoughts? And I really didn't think they should know much until more of the outcome was resolved?

And do you think I should e-mail her the link to marriage builders? Will what I have written her upset her more or have her understand that I am trying to work and find help?

I totally agree with this post. Suicide would be extremely selfish- the affair was selfish- and right now you're just trying to escape the pain that you feel because of your actions. Your own actions. So, get to the therapist and sort these things out pronto. This is really about your wife now and what's been done to her.

Just so you don't think I'm slamming you without understanding- I'm a FWW.