Here is my story (without going into much detail). My affair last about 1 1/2years. It grew quickly from flirtation, to a crush to physical for a time. The OW is married too. For some time we thought we might want to be together, that is a killer (along with the lies). Now I understand that it was only the secret we harbored that made us feel that way. Eventually things got less intense but we kept connected every day at work. Every once in a while it would spike again. DDay came along and I told lies, just enough reality to sound convincing. First there was the NC letter. I blew that one right off the bat. Then a few months ago DDay #2 came along thanks to my wife's vigilance. All of the truth came out. The truth really will set you free. I feel NOTHING for the OW. It all drained away once the secrets were told … amazing!

Since then I found a new job and we moved closer to family. It has affected our quality of life, I feel terrible for my wife and kids. Now I am very transparent. I try to do things to show her how much I love her everyday. I buy little things, write cards, keep up with housework, keep in touch all the time, took a job based on time off, etc. I truly hate the OW. OW enters my mind only when my wife asks me to talk about her.

We have our ups and downs. Still, I have trashed the lives of my family. My wife often feels hate and disgust for me. She tries hard to feel love, but it’s hard to hold onto even an even keel emotionally much less find joy. I can’t blame her at all after what I did. She wants me out at times, but doesn’t other times. I love her more than life itself. I can’t bear the thought of living without her (should have thought of that during the A). Every time she expresses her hate I feel a knife stab my heart, not that I’m complaining, how many times did I stab her heart???

What should I do? Is it selfish not to let go? Should I keep holding on and trying, or should I support her in starting a new life with the kids and finding someone else to love? My foremost goal is to see her happy. Honestly, though, I do want to be the one to provide that happiness. I used to be that person, but gave it up for someone I don’t even like.

Is there hope? Has any couple ever really successfully overcome this? Has any couple ever been happy again? What can I do? I don’t want to lose the love of my life.

When was Dday?

You are off to a good start. You no longer work with the OW, moved away from the area, being transparent and honest.

Recovery takes two years, so take a deep breath and let time do it's work.

Your BW will need time to see that your changes are permanent before recommitting to the marriage. Have you given your BW access to your emails, texts, IMs, passwords what ever she needs to verify NC.

Best not to act needed, but offer her support. Last, spend fifteen hours of quality alone time each week to show BW that you can have a fun future together.

Thanks for the reply. I know I have to be patient. But it is hard sometimes. DDay was the begining of Jan. Quite a few months left in our 2 years.

She has access to EVERYTHING. 15 hours are tough with 3 kids. We do talk for about half an hour by phone each day at lunch and have time at night. We go on walks and play tennis, but I need to get us out on dates.

It's amazing how many couples go through this. Some make it some don't. Hopefully the two of you can work through it together. She'll have to want to, I don't think you can do it by yourself.

Thanks, really I hope we make it too.