I agree it is about my wife and is about keeping myself safe.

I just came home from my mothers to a letter from my wife. It started out with the fact that she doesn't know how to communicate. Long letter short, in her past she has always been abused, left out, and beaten. She has been hurt to many times. (she was forced to start having sex at 11) She suffers from an anxiety disorder as well. Anyway, she said that her past is her problem and she can't change it, she can only change the future. And I can not be in it. CAN NOT. were her exact words. If anyone wants the entire letter it will be posted soon because honestly, it brought up other things that people who are going to or are in an affair should hear. She said that she will stay in the house and pretend for the kids. The letter hurt but I realized things about why the affair happened too. Not trying to justify it, just brought a little more light into it for me.

The thing that hurt the most was going up to her and holding her and telling her that I will do everything I can to help her through this no matter the outcome I will try to be there for her. It is what it is, I can't change that. And it may be selfish but I also said I just can't financially support her as a husband if that I am not. Now I too get to share in some of the anger...

[quote=JustTim]The thing that hurt the most was going up to her and holding her and telling her that I will do everything I can to help her through this no matter the outcome I will try to be there for her. It is what it is, I can't change that. /quote]

Really this is what hurt the most? Do you hear yourself? Do you hear how selfish that sounds. Didn't you just tell your wife yesterday that you had an affair? But yet today you are hurt that she is angry.

I don't know how what you have written will not completely piss her off.

But to answer your question about emailing her the link to MB, Yes you should. She will get a lot of support here. Support for HER, which she needs right now.

But if you want to email her the link to MB because you think it will help YOU then don't do it.

You now see some things about why the affair happened?? Because of her reaction to your having an affair??

I'm sorry that smacks of justifiction. You just are not out of the fog enough to be able to see that.

She brought up the abuse because now you've abused her too. I can relate to her statements as I suffered every kind of abuse growing up.

Now you get to share in the anger too??? Are you kidding me??
This is not about you.

Your whole affair was acting out your anger and your selfishness,

Nothing that she did justified what you've done to her and your children. Yes, your children.

She may have made mistakes that made the marriage vulnerable to the affair- but she didn't cause you to cheat. You need to wrap your head around that and pretty quickly too.

Right now, you need to quit making this about you. At some point if she decides to stay with you and you guys begin to work it out there will be time to talk about some of the things she did to make your marriage vulnerable to an affair. This is not the time.

Now is the time to put her first. To not make this about your hurt-for you to try to be contrite and apologetic. For you to be transparent to her so that she can feel again one day that she can trust you.

Recovery is a long process. She is angry and has every right to be. Every right. Recovery should be on her timeline if she is interested and your being angry or whatever is not going to help her recover.

Again, recovery should be on her timeline right now.

I hope some of the vets will weigh in here. I'm not an expert but I'm a little agast over your statements.

I'm sorry I really feel if you were really sorry there wouldn't have been the need for you to tell her you won't financially
supoort her is she's just going through the motions??? How do you have the right to tell her that right now?? You want to snap and have her immediately start changing and accepting you back into her life?? She needs an adjustment period. As long as she needs it- and someone who is truly sorry would be wanting to work on her timeline and not making financial demands right now. Are you trying to financially blackmail her or what??

You should be more worried about working on yourself right now not any changes that she needs to make. You are the one who ran this off in the ditch- you should be the one to start the work to recover.

So do you think your wife would like her letter to be posted here?

Right now your main focus should be on supporting your wife and helping her make sense of the mess that you dropped in her lap.

You really should not give a rats a** about helping other people who are going to or are in an affair. Geesh dude get your priorities straight.

And then we have...


Seriously? D-Day was what- five minutes ago? WOW! You are entitlement wrapped up in selfishness wrapped up in self-pity! You need to do some serious soul-searching. As others have said- this is NOT about you and your pain. Oh, I'm not saying you don't have pain...and I completely understand your pain. I am a FWW trying to help my husband recover from the emotional H3LL I put him through...

But, yanno, it is like driving drunk, injuring a mother and two children terribly, and then crying to the judge about how you didn't know any better. It's like playing Russian Roulette and only catching your eye when the gun goes off and then crying to everyone because you are blind in one eye...GIMME A BREAK!
YOUR CHOICES, YOUR CONSEQUENCES!

So, toughen up! Get ready for a long, hard process... If she gives you the opportunity, that is, to prove how sorry you are. If she does, consider yourself LUCKY and quit being melodramatic, quit focusing on yourself, and start being TRULY THERE FOR HER 100%...not just when the mood strikes. You have NO RIGHT to be angry at anyone but yourself.

I do wish you the best, and from a former wayward, I hope this is the wake-up call you need to really make an effort if she gives you the chance!

My, my my..

Just a few short hours ago, you wanted to do "whatever it took"..and already you're back to it being all about YOU. YOU aren't willing to support someone who isn't ready to be "over it" in what..24 hours?? I'm not surpised by the fact, but I'm surprised that you are publically admitting to STILL being so selfish after your earlier "heartfelt" pleas.

From your statements above, it is clear that you continue to wander aimlessly in the fog. You REALLY believe it is smart to tell your wife that you can't financially support her if you are not her husband..it has literally been only a matter of hours since she found out about your affair??? YOU CHOSE to have an affair and now you are on here saying you get to share in some of the anger....actually, your wife has a reason to be angry. You on the other hand, should be completely remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to help your wife get through this...

I know that my last post was completely selfish. I guess I was caught very off guard coming home to such a letter when in reality I should expect no less. I vented stupid thoughts here and stupid thoughts there.

I won't hide behind that. I know that I vented a minute of selfishness. I am still the one to take the blame and I read what I wrote before I posted it and saw it all. I won't hide it because it's the part of the process where I really don't get to complain and vent in such a way. I am going to make it about here because it is about her. It's about what I have done to her and what this is going to do to the children.

She said she wrote that letter out of anger and that she hates me right now. I understand that. And what ever the future holds it will hold. I will continue to make the changes I have learned about here on MB. Changes to become a better husband, father and person. If I can end up sharing more of those changes with her in the future I will be blessed. If I can't, it was a loss that I created and accept.

I retreated in my previous post to the person I would have been months ago. The first problem and mistake was that I had the affair in the first place. Second problem is that I found this website after, on how to make a great marriage happen. Third problem is that I had that affair. It gets to come twice because I had to tell her to begin the complete honesty part of our marriage and I had to tell her and take any and all repercussions.

I, after all, am the one that had the affair.

I told her about what I posted and how I tried to blame her past for more of what I had done. I tried to make excuses to justify what I did where there truly are none. Our talk carried on for quite some time. About what I did, about how angry and hurt she is and that she can't go any where else because she can't afford to. And that she hates me. How she isn't going to tell anyone she's still married and if someone wants to go on a date with her she is going to go. I guess I can't say a word and I need to just take it all for what it is. My fault. She said I can do what I want, I can continue to be the person that I want to be, if that means following the path and making my changes I can. She can't say as if she will ever let me back in but we can live in the same house and I can do what I want. She'll be honest with me about her feelings and I will continue to help her through this the best that I can. I will do everything I can to just take an ounce of this pain and hurt off of her and put it onto myself. I know it will be a long process and that we don't know what the outcome will be but I also know that I caused it. And that my post above has got to have some of the same feelings that other spouses who have had an affair have felt at some time. I know it was selfish and I thank you all for pointing that out.

I understand this site is here for support of many people. Maybe there will continue to be support for my marriage and my faults in order to help her and help me be the better and best person for her and my kids. Maybe there won't. But I will still continue to post the process, feelings and happenings. Again so that people who are thinking about going there can see what it does to everyone effected.

Hit me with a 2x4, tell me I'm completely going in the wrong direction. I will take what ever comes my way, and if there is any guidance on how I can help this marriage more in the long run, I'll obviously take that as well.

One can only hope that the light will at some time, shine again.

I understand that and I am trying my best. It was an outburst that I even don't want to hear again. I know I have no right

and I will take this pain when she gets out of her bed at 10:14 and leaves because I will never know that anger and hurt she is feeling. The hurt that hears back, [censored] off, when I ask her to drive carefully because it's raining. I will take it all and know that it's going to be a hard long road for her that may not end with me in the car.

I'm sorry to keep posting but I can't even begin to understand the pain she is feeling.
When she comes back in and tells me how much this is going to hurt our children and how she hopes the OW was worth it. I can't begin to imagine what she is feeling. She walks back out saying that I need to get the kids where they need to go in the morning. Which obviously means she is not coming back tonight. I will do what I have to do and get the kids where they have to go. It's obvious that the pain is getting worse for her by the moment and I take all blame. I did not question her when she left, I did not try to. I let her go and will give her the space she needs.

And the regret will be there with me for the rest of my life which is nothing compared to the thoughts that will be with her for the rest of her life.

Just, please god, let her be safe.

Do you realize that you have already been given lots of good advice?

Do you think you could cut the melodramatic crap and state what that advice is?

What have you done today to help your wife?

JT,

From your last post, I can see that you are starting to understand the level of pain you have just inflicted on you wife. I will get into that more later, but for now can you give us a little background on your family so we can better understand your situation. How long have you been together. Your ages. How many kids do you have and their ages. Usually, people put this info in their signature so everyone knows your specifics.

Like this:


W2S

While I agree that not being "in love" with the OW is "better" (for lack of a better word), don't keep going on about how the OW didn't mean anything to you. It's better to simply tell her that you love only her, and that the affair was not about not loving her.

My WH kept telling me, "She was nothing". Well, my feeling is that if she was nothing; then, for the time he was with her, I must have been LESS than nothing!

I am starting to understand the pain, more and more with each moment, like the phone call that just rang thought with her crying and just telling me how much she hates me. All I can do is take it and apologize. I will regret what I have done for the rest of my life, no matter who I am with or what roads I go down, I will always regret this action and the pain and anger that I have caused.

And sorry about not telling everyone more.

We met at 18/19. Had our son a year later, married 4 years after than and had our daughter. Bought the house 2.5 years ago and a dog came directly after that. Looking back I can see much of what our marriage was lacking and things I still feel like she did to me that caused much pain. Not saying that this replaces that. Just looking at the past. Just so you know what I'm talking about, I'm a cyclist and had a bad accident on 6/6/06 and when she finally found out that I was in the trauma center and not at all with it she didn't care. Maybe she cared but she said I was the one on the bike and it was my fault for riding and would not come to the hospital at all, or bring the kids or bring me home. That is no excuse and I know that pain was nothing like what she is going through. That is probably me being selfish for the feelings I am having right now about what I have done. Trying to justify the un-justifiable?

But again, I will not hide words that are in my head.

SO.

WS 31
BW 31
DS 11
DD 4

which makes total sense because if that's what she is feeling, which I'm sure is the case, she could not be further from the truth, but now she's out driving in the rain at night and crying and I am worried about her and don't know if she's okay or where she's going. I can only hope that there will be someone watching over her

JustTim-

How it feels to be betrayed:

It feels like you are no longer cherished or of value to the one person you trusted most in the world. (Especially if your wife suffered abuse, this message has now been further reinforced by your choice to have an A).

It feels like you are no longer special to the person who promised to love, honor and cherish you. In fact, because he gave that specialness away to someone who didn't mean anything to him, it must not have meant anything to him with me in the first place.

It feels like all the time you were with your WS was just a lie and you don't know what to believe about your whole relationship.

It feels like you are the second place prize-and that your WH is "settling" for you. After all, he didn't think you were worth enough to stay faithful to you in the first place.


That's just the part of the pain that I can put into words. It is absolutely shattering. I hope this helps you understand a little of the hurt in your W's tears.

It does help a little. I understand and take that to heart. I have a hard time with the settling part because many times she has told me that she settled for me. Long again, recently. Not anything to do with the affair so I know what that feels like and I can only imagine what she is feeling from being the second prize after this.

and how sorry I am. how incredibly sorry.

JT

If you are really sorry, then you need to quit doing this "well she did this" "she said this" "she didn't do this" stuff.

Every time you say these things, you are minimizing the pain you have caused your W. It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do. It's like saying to a cancer paitent (btdt) "I understand how hard it is for you to go through surgery and chemo because I had my appendix out once." It isn't even close.

As long as this is still about you-even just a tiny bit-you will never recover this M.

As Dr. Phil said to a WH two years after his A was exposed and he came back to his BW and couldn't understand why she couldn't "get over it" after two years:

"She will NEVER get over it until she believes in her heart of hearts that you truly understand the pain you have caused her."