I've been doing some thinking about Plan B... or more specifically... the message sent when someone is reluctant to go to plan B. When a BS is balking at plan B it seems it is usually because they are afraid they are sending a message to the spouse that the relationship is over and they no longer love the wayward, thus giving them free reign to do whatever they want to do. They get advice concerning self-preservation, self-respect, not being a doormat, etc. I think there is truth in that, but I also think that there is another aspect of plan B that I haven't seen discussed. I may have just missed it, but I would like to hear other people's thoughts on plan B as a loving gesture toward the wayward spouse.

We all know that children need boundaries to feel safe in the world. Some of the boundaries are personal, but a lot of the boundaries are set by others like parents, teachers, friends. When we know the rules, we are more confident in ourselves and secure in our relationships with others. I don't think that goes away when we grow up.

When someone consistently over-looks our bad behavior, we don't get the message that this person REALLY must love me. More often we think this person isn't paying attention, or this person doesn't care about what I do... in short, this person must NOT really love me. We are confused, because we know we are breaking rules, but no one is "noticing". Like the child that will take negative attention for bad behavior just to get some indication that what they do matters.

Does anyone else feel that plan B, when necessary, is not only the most loving thing a BS can do for themself but also the most loving thing they can do for the WS they want to rebuild a marriage with?

Yes. I agree with you, Exodus. This is basically the POV of LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by DODSON.

Hi Exodus,

Thank you for writing this. Can you elaborate on this just a little more, I am not sure I completely get it. I'm close, just not positive.

Hi Exodus,


....yes, and even if it's too late for the marriage.... it will be a lesson learned for both BS and WS.... the WS learns about the full impact/consequences of their choices when boundaries are not respected: infidelity.... and BS learns that they don't have to 'tolerate' abuse and violation of known boundaries: fildelity in a marriage... however, when M and family are not recovered, the lesson does come at a high price!

...I would call plan B also a 'damage control' plan.... because it does try to 'minimize' the damage done TO BS.... and the damage done BY a WS...

...as we all know...from what some FWS on the Board say.... one of the biggest challenges ONCE they realize the damage they have done while in fogland is how to forgive themselves!... and it may be another reason why a WS wants to STAY in fogland... to AVOID facing ALL the damage done!

...it takes a lot of courage to earn the 'F' in front of WS!

I think that this is what is worse too.

Not only does it destroy a family, but leaves the BS without the opportunity of healing completely, recovering a M and moving on with a new life with the person she loves dearly.

A second blow to BS for sure.

I like this. I'm a BS who will not recover her M, and who is trying to minimise damage to myself, but I guess I'm minimizing the damage WSTBX does overall as well. There is still a corner of my heart that is sad for him and the almost certain outcome of his choice of actions. Perhaps this is how I can make peace with that.

Interesting topic, thanks for posting. Do you believe we teach people how to treat us? I do, and I think all of my relationships are proof. Thus, Plan B for me is a HUGE wake-up call to my H. Add to that an H who's lived 31 yrs w/o ANYBODY EVER telling him NO...now we (IM mostly, on my behalf) are not only telling him NO but we're also adding stipulations & conditions & removing the old comforts. Yes, Plan B is very powerful.

Now, my situation is different - there is no OW, just beer. Beer is quite the OW though, because although he's kicking & screaming & trying to negotiate & even trying to scare me with contempt of court/JAIL, he still won't just GIVE IT UP & come home! But he sure does notice how strong I'm being WITHOUT him.

And I can't get a post from Believer a while back out of my mind. She said they (almost) ALWAYS come back to the marriage. So, in all honesty, it's really hard for me to give up hope! I realize beer may prevail, and so may some of the OP, but do I REALLY think they're willing to throw this all away? No, when I'm honest with myself I really do not believe it.

I haven't read this book Mimi. Thanks for sharing the title. I will look for it at the library.


Queenie, I can give you an example from early on in my marriage. One night I went out to a club with a girlfriend who was visiting from out of town. I started talking to a guy... then danced with him... and by the end of the evening he asked me to go home with him. I didn't go, but I was tempted to, and that really bothered me. I told my husband about it when I got home. He asked me why I didn't go home with the guy. I told him that I knew I didn't really want the guy, I wanted the attention... but I'd rather have that kind of attention from him (my husband). He rolled over and went to sleep. Not another word was said about it by my husband. His non-confrontation was not interpreted by me as, "I love and trust you, Exodus." The message I took away from it was, "I don't care enough about you to even explore what this means."

If he had said, "I don't want you going to clubs without me anymore," I would have taken that as meaning I was important enough to protect. If he had asked, "what kind of attention was he giving you that I don't," I would have taken that as a desire to meet my needs. If he hadn't said anything at all, yet changed his behavior to be more attentive, I would have felt like he loved me enough to make an effort. If he had gotten angry, or simply thanked me for being honest, I would have at least felt heard. As it was, his silence on the subject screamed I don't care what you do or how you feel.

Had I gone out a week later and been faced with the same situation but made a different choice, it wouldn't have been right nor would it have been my husband's fault that I cheated, but I bet I could have justified it in my mind, if only for the moment it took me to cross the line, based on his non-reaction the previous week.

I didn't have to plan A or plan B when he went wayward, so I am no expert on the plans. It just occured to me that plan B could be the most loving thing to do for a wayward, because it clearly states. " I love you so much I can't stand to share you with another, and these are the clear boundaries that must be respected if you decide you have made a mistake." Often, plan B is seen as punishment, when it isn't. From my understanding, it is about setting boundaries that will protect the betrayed and can guide the wayward back if s/he makes it out of the fog before plan D has been instituted.


We agree on the benefits of plan B, Lunamare. The beauty of a plan B letter is that when the WS does come out of the fog, they have a step-by-step plan to help them regain the marriage (if it isn't too late). I agree though, facing the damage done must be hard once sanity is restored, and it does take courage to earn... and bestow... that F!


Tabby1, I am sorry that it looks bleak for your marital recovery. I think it says a lot about your strength and heart that you can still feel sad for him when you have been so hurt by his choices.


Yes, Julie, I do agree that we teach people how to treat us. People are constantly testing our boundaries the same way we test other people's boundaries. We have no control over other people, we can only control how we will treat others and set limits on how we will allow them to treat us. Though it has been a painful lesson, I am glad that you are now adjusting your boundaries to ensure you are treated better.

I understand your need to plan B over the alcohol. It is hard for an alcoholic to set boundaries or respect them. Seems like you have your hands full. I join you in your hope that he is able to get sober and work on the marriage with you.