My wife and I have gone through a very quick separation and we're now back together. Things seem to be working out wonderfully except in one area that is bothering me and has been bothering me for a very long time.

We just can't see eye to eye on the importance of intimacy and sex. In my view, all emotional needs are important but there is only one that is uniquely special for a couple. That is the one that can not be shared with anyone else. That is sex. I love affection, talking, holding hands, helping each other around the house and all that other stuff. I do my best to be there for my wife and she does a wonderful job of being there for me as well. But when it comes to sex. I feel like I'm starving all the time. If I need a hug, I can get a hug from my kids or a good friend. If I need to talk to someone, I can talk to friends or even a therapist or coach. But being 100% faithful, I only have one person to share my sexual desires with and unfortunately, it's never enough for me.

One of my problems is that I don't have any other experience to compare my own experience with. I've been with the same woman for 19 years since we've been 16 years old so I have never lived with anyone else and I don't know if what I feel I need is reasonable. So since I don't know if what I want is even possible I'm constantly frustrated about the issue and I don't know how to deal with it.

To me if a couple goes to bed at the same time and both are healthy and happy, why does sex have to be a job? To me it's like taking a shower. After a few days you start to stink. A shower every day is just what most people need to feel fresh and sometimes I take a second shower because I feel I need it. Sex to me is the same. I see it as a daily ritual. I would make love to my wife every morning and every night and anytime in between if I could and I don't see a problem with that whatsoever.

I see making love as the most beautiful and intense way two people can share their love for one another. It's the one and only sacred activity that we can only share with each other and no one else. I want to share this with my wife every day.

To her, making love is something fun to do. It's like going to the movies. Some nights she feels like it, some nights she don't. Every time we do make love she's always very satisfied and she often mentions that she doesn't know why she doesn't want to do it more often, but come the next morning or the next night...and all of a sudden, she's not in the mood.

I had accepted to 2-3 times a month before our short lived separation. Since getting back together, it's been really good with stretches of making love every day or at least 2-3 times a week. But I still have a problem on how we view love making so differently. I end up so frustrated at night when she's not in the mood and she has no reason for not being in the mood.

Is my sex drive off the scale? Am I the problem? Or is she just not meeting my needs and disregarding how much it hurts me.

Please help.

It would help if you give more info, like your ages, length of marriage, kids & ages, why you were separated, date separated, dated back together.

This is important info that will help people to understand your situation better.

Maybe it's a female thing, but I feel like your wife. It is like going to the movies or any other pleasurable activity. Twice a day would be too much. Even once a day would be too much. Sounds like just another duty, like mopping the kitchen.

However, seems like you could meet halfway in the middle. She could ramp it up, and you could put the lid on it a little.

By the way, what caused the separation?

Hi Madlyinlove,

My knee-jerk reaction is that you probably aren't meeting a few of her needs. But it's probably not quite that.
You say a couple of things:


Do you really believe this? Would you really want her being affectionate with her boss the way she is with you? Would you want her sharing personal conversations with your neighbour? Would you want another man in the house folding your laundry? Honestly, sex is NOT the only think that cannot be shared with anyone else.



Daily rituals also include washing dishes, cleaning the cat box, changing diapers, and all sorts of unpleasant chores.

But then you also say this:

It sounds like she likes it to be special, and you like it to be routine. Sex to women is not the same as sex to men. We just can't get into it at the snap of your fingers. We can't drop what's on our mind and it doesn't take stuff off our mind. SF for a woman begins hours, possibly even days, before sex actually occurs. It could even begin with a nice, unexpected phone call at work. All the little things you dismissed earlier - the talking, affection, housework etc., can all help get her feeling more sensual about herself and you. We can't simply go from washing up dinner dishes to full blown passion in a wink of an eye.


I don't think it's off the scale, but I do think that you need to learn a little about female sexuality to help her feel that it isn't just another chore she's required to do.

Both 35, 2 kids, 10 and 6.

We've been together for 19 years, married for 14. We've both always been faithful. We were separated for only one week. Still stayed in the same house. My guess for the reason for our separation would be that the lack of intimacy pushed me away. If I'm close to her, I want her. If I'm far from her, it's easy to hold back. So I got busy in hobbies like going out camping, working late and spending less quality time with her. It's been the only way so far that I've been able to reduce this urge. Over time she started to feel distant from me and then she started having feeling for someone else. We talked, worked things out, I became the perfect husband once again. (her own words) but now I'm in the same place I was many years ago. All this time I spend with her drives me crazy. Every time I touch her I get aroused. I can't control it. I don't know if I can keep it up. I know that if I pull away, she will again want to fill her own needs elsewhere. Are we doomed to have such different needs that aren't compatible?

Why don't you try asking her about her needs again? It sounds like you aren't meeting all of them and she is looking elsewhere. Maybe she's afraid to confess what's lacking. You need to make her feel SAFE to tell you how she feels. Which means for a while, don't even attempt to initiate sex. Just touch and be there for her in non-sexual ways. It might take a couple weeks, but she will realize that you are sincerely trying to connect with her, and she may open up about your problems.

If you've both been faithful, why choose this site to ask a sex question?

Do you suspect that something is up?

No she can't be affectionate towards her boss, but towards our kids or other family members she can. I don't see a problem with a maid folding our laundry. It's a meaningless chore. The importance in these chores aren't the chore itself but the time we can spend together doing these chores or if we don't, it's the appreciation we can have for one another for doing them. I think that you took what I said a bit further than what was intended. Sex can not and should not be shared with anyone but your spouse, period. Other aspects do have some other possibilities. I don't mean anyone can go out and get any needs met by anyone. That's not my point.

If my wife would compare making love to me with changing a diaper or any other "unpleasant" chore I would be gone that very minute. This is not an unpleasant chore. She loves it every time we make love. It takes her about 30 seconds to get aroused from the moment she decides it's going to happen.

Like I mentioned, I've done everything I possibly could. I talk to her, I kiss her goodbye, I call her from work, I send her love letters, I hug her and kiss her the second I walk into the house. I do the dishes with her. I ask her about anything else I could possibly do for her. I'll give her a massage anytime she wants. I'm just empty of ideas. I'm thinking that if everything I'm doing isn't working than maybe she just doesn't want me anymore.

We talk for about 30-60 minutes almost every day since we've been back from our separation. I ask her about everything she needs and I'm clear on what I need. We're totally open to one another as far as I know. She tells me that she is but I can't rad her mind.

Not try to initiate sex? Been there done that. If I don't try, she never does no matter what I do or for how long. She doesn't initiate sex. The only time I can remember her initiating is our first time after the separation. Make up sex. Other than that It's been too many years...

If all it took was a couple of weeks, it would be fine. I've gone for months in the past.

Interesting question! I say dig deeper. I'd agree you're "doing all the right things" but would guess from my own experience, perhaps you're doing this all with expectations. Or, maybe you're missing a biggie & you don't even know it. Ask some questions, make some suggestions, dig deeper.

You know it's not as simple as her not wanting you anymore, as proven when she IS in the mood.

I'll agree, it's not a "chore" (LOL Believer - mopping the floor!) BUT when you're a mom & you're juggling kids, schedules, groceries, laundry, bills, etc...even if you are helping her, I assure you she's got a LOT on her mind. And if you get frustrated, you'll only cause her to get more defensive & you'll both be unhappy.

JMO, based on my life...

Well, she did have feelings for another man but it never went anywhere. As soon as she confirmed those feelings to that other guy, she confessed to me and we started on our current path. We went through many stages including deciding to separate. Then she realized that she didn't want to leave me so we decided to work things out and here we are.

Why ask here? because it's the only site I know that seems to have great members with great advice.

IMO what you are asking is too much sex. Why does she have to meet your drive? Why can't you lowere yours a little and maybe you both would be happier about it.

I guess I missed the reason for the separation.

Seriously, for a woman, depending on her circumstances, time is precious. I worked and kept up the home and did for the kids. My time to choose what to do was very limited - maybe 10 hours a week. Sorry, but using up those 10 hours with SF just wouldn't do it for me.

And a SAHM is sometimes more harried than us working women. At least we DO get some breaks.

I'd go for 5 hours of SF and 5 hours of free time. LOL.

How long ago was the emotional affair?

Yes I also think you need to explore her EA. Maybe she still has feelings for him? Did you ever try to really recover, perhaps address it in marriage counseling? It helps to get an objective person's view (and while the board is nice, it doesn't really do the trick).

Has she said anything to you like "I feel like we're just best friends now" or that "She loves you but is not in love with you?" Because such words are red flags that there is an OM

Wait a minute. His wife isn't willing to have sex with him twice a day (once in the morning, and once at night), or more, and now it's being suggested it's because she's still in an EA. Maybe she is, but if not having sex at least twice a day is cause for concern than I would say 99% of the men in the world better start worrying about their spouse being in an EA.

If you and your wife are having sex 2 - 3 times a week I would guess that is maybe more than the average married couple.

Would you like to have sex everyday? Sure, I'd say the majority of men would. That doesn't mean your sex drive is out of whack. Do you expect if everyday? If so then maybe your expectations are out of whack.

Try to show some restraint. I've never met a Reese's peanut butter cup that didn't taste good. Doesn't mean I can eat one anytime I would like.

Here's a rare glimpse of my questionable sense of humor:

You know, if you were doing it correctly you wouldn't physically be able to do it once or twice every day.

"Correctly" being a subjective term, of course.

From your statements about the emotional needs of affection, domestic support, etc, it appears to me that you do not understand Dr. Harley's program at all.

First of all, your wife may see domestic support or recreational companionship, or conversation completely different than you. You don't see them as important as sex. Guess what....many women DO. You want her to understand how important your need for SF (s2xual fulfillment) is, but you refuse to put any other ENs on the same level as SF is for you.

It's no wonder she isn't "in the mood".

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Have you read Love Busters?

Your marriage is waiting for an affair (actually, your wife has already had an EA from the information you have provided).

You both need to act now to learn all you can about Dr. Harley's principles. I would give anything to have understood all we do now, BEFORE my FWS's affair.

If you have a willing heart to understand your wife as much as you desire her to understand you, I think you will be enlightened as you read His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters.

Krazy has a point. You keep telling us how great the sex is for your wife, but maybe she doesn't see it that way?

Not tryign to get too graphic, but what if you initiated and made it all about pleasing her for a change? And yes that might mean getting a little neglected yourself. Women love sex just as much as men, they just have to feel sensual and that it's an equal exchange. Maybe she is feeling more and more like a sex object to you.

Just a guess, trying to help. Take it or leave it.

Still Crazy:

I believe that in the Harley's Principles, it's NOT having SF on the schedule of the partner who wants it LEAST. It SF on the schedule of the partner who wants it MOST.

That said, IF the marriage has issues, (and this one DOES) then the lack of desire for SF from the W is to be expected.

I started to meet my W's EN's, and after a while the SF is more than I can handle...(wink).

So, the point is, SF can diminish to a HUGE extent because all the other EN's are not being met.

So, to the original poster, I recommend that you get yourself to the bookstore, or the website here, and buy "His Needs, Her Needs" (HNHN) It will explain MANY of the things that have been going wrong in your marriage.

Two time a day? Yeah, we can do that. But once YOU KNOW you can have it twice a day, willingly and with returned desire, then you WILL be content with it 2-3 times a week. Right now, YOU don't know when it might happen, so you want it more.

And all the reasons that she doesn't want too? Well, many can be excuses, but really, it give you the insight into her EN's.

LG