Her name

My drive home from work every day (because i pass where she lived)

When my H does not answer his cell phone

Infidelity on tv or anywhere

Places they went together

The time of year the affair happened

Every time my husband's work schedule changes (which is practically every day)

That is a few but i have a ton unfortunately

Lotsa stuff triggers me, but the intensity lessens over time.

His work--all of his OW worked there at one time. He would set up 'dates' for us there (it's a venue for some concerts, comedians, and the orchestra).

Any woman he ever spoke to from work. Any woman he talked about from work.

His car--he always kept a blanket in the back, and while in Plan B, it was the only thing of him I saw, when he picked up our DS for visitation.

His cell phone, the color, the ringtones, the 'you've got a message' beep, as many others experience I'm sure.

Our garage--he would escape out there to get away from me.

Now, our dang couch.

His laptop. He used it to IM his OW after I'd gone to bed

My bed, our house, the rut his car has worn in the driveway

My wedding rings

Instant messenger(he used it for his affairs, initially, but we used to chat while I was at work everyday, before and during his first A--thereafter, no more)

HIM.

and on and on she goes...

Wow... this is a painful topic.

Some of mine have already been on here. Someone wrote that they threw out all of WW thongs, but dang it - she looks good in them! Yeah, I'm there too. WW's was just an EA, but she sent some provocative pics, nothing NSFW, but one included part of my favorite thong, and she had discussed another type of undergarment that she wore also. I had her throw all of them out. We went out later and bought others, but it's still takes me a back a moment when I see her in them - then I consciously move away from that thought to the "wow my wife is attractive!" thoughts.

The EA took place on the computer, in a an online MMO game. Any mention of that game or her having any involvement with anyone from that community triggers me (we've been having some difficulty over this issue). In fact, any time she sits at the computer I get a little nervous.

She'll sometimes get up maybe an hour before me in the morning. That was when she and OM met online in the morning during the A. Still bothers me (even though, for the most part, she's always been an early riser).

Songs on the radio about relationships.

OM would tell her he had a dream about her, and there's a song on one her CDs that has a similar line in it - I got cloudy once when it came and on and she asked what was up - I told her I didn't like that song and she realized why right away. We don't listen to that song anymore.

Anytime she's at work and I'm sure she's not busy, and she doesn't call me. That's when she used to text msg him.

Anytime we argue. I think "Oh God! Will this be the argument that sends her back to him?!" Even though I'm almost certain that door is closed to her now.

Someone else said hearing her say "I love you". That was hard to find out that she shared that with OM. When she says it freely to me, I often ask her if she's sure, just to hear her say it again.

I could probably list others too, but this is enough for now... thinking about triggers, well, triggers the memory and emotion again.

Excuse me if I come across aggresive, it not my intention. I just want to learn to help my husband, since he doesn't communicate to me all these things.

First,


I have read in this site that the WS can not apologize enough and can not say "I love you" enough....then who's righ??

Second

I do not understand this one either....wedding rings?? why?


I was told this by a BS. She told me that even though I change EVERYTHING that triggers him, he will still have triggers with absolutely nothing....
So, my question is, what do the FWS do to help? Because this is confusing.
Any thoughts and advice will be really appreciated.
Thanks,
A.

I did not post the original source of your questions, but I feel that I can answer some of them for you as they are also triggers for me.


They cannot say "I love you" enough. We BS NEED to hear that. However, there is always that voice in the back of our heads that wonders if WS really means it this time. My FWW never didn't say ILY during her A. There is no way she meant it back then, but she said it every day to me. What makes me believe her now? She said it to OM daily at the same time as she was saying it to me. That hurt does not go away quickly.



The wedding ring is a symbol of the vows that we took that were broken. She took off her wedding ring every time she was with OM, then put it back on before she'd come home to me. To me, my wedding ring is a symbol of my devotion to her. It apparently did not mean the same thing to her. Does it now? Only she knows that.


Give us time. We have no control over our emotions right now. I have no idea what I will be feeling from one day to the next. I know it will get better because it used to be from one hour to the next. I will soon be able to control how I feel once again, but not yet.

Give us time. Learn our triggers and how to avoid causing them.

Someone here once gave the advice that a WS could help by "reclaiming" certain triggers with their BS. I don't know how much experience people have here with that idea. My FWW and I have done that with some of the smaller triggers and it has helped. I don't know how either of us could handle tackling some of the bigger ones.

Commercials that hint of divorce.

Billboards that market a divorce.

the area where W and the OM had thier love shack

The old couch ( its gone )

Looking at pictures of my old car during the A (this is a new trigger less then 3 months)

Looking at pictures taken during that time.

When my wife is late from doing anything.

When I find out i've been told a lie (even a tiny one) or a lie by ommision

going to the park where she told me it first happened (new trigger)

.... and we'll find out how i handle my new D(PA)-Day which is coming up on October 12th... our anniversary (i was always told the EA didnt become a PA until weeks later, but i found out that this wasn't true)
so for 10+ plus years i've been celbrating my anniversary and the day my wife got some at the same time.

Since some of the triggers in question were mine, I'll answer the why and what does or doesn't help.
I love you- I can picture him saying it to her. He only said it to me at that time to "keep the peace". I thought I would be the only woman to hear those words from him after the first time he told me. When we reconciled, he refused to say it to me (major fog) until he was sure he wanted to work things out. What helps because, yes, I do need to hear it still, is when it's specific. "I love you because you take such good care of our children" "I love you because you stand up for me" etc. I know he never said those to her.

Wedding rings- The broken marriage vows are a big reason. In my case FWH didn't take his off during most of the A. It clearly meant nothing.Took it off a week before d-day. When he agreed to end the A and see MC, he still refused to put the ring back on for weeks. A very blatant showing to everyone we know that he no longer considered himself my husband. we've actually debated replacing them, but I'd know why they were replaced (get the idea that everything can be a trigger)

The important things for me to have FWH avoid are things that make me feel inferior to or interchangeable with OW. Even if he doesn't feel or think it, I do. The most important thing you can do is listen and be patient and understanding. Sometimes just saying "I'm sorry it made you feel that way" about whatever trigger pops up helps the situation.

Balin, I find your answers very interesting. I am coming from the other side of the fence... I am a FWS...

My H still triggers often, and sometimes over things that I personally thought are really "stretching" what should trigger memories. I thought it was a little silly that every time he saw a car that was the same as OM's car model, he would trigger. Or saw a highway sign that is for the town that OM was from (an hour away). But, it seems from this thread that those are sort of common.

I guess when he triggers, it is (selfishly) very hard for me. I do my very best to be there for him, I listen, and it is all about him at that point. But I can't help but feeling that nagging feeling in the back of my head sometimes... of when it will get better or if every time we pass a highway sign or a certain model of car if we are going to be thrown back to D day. Its hard for me too, I want to make it go away, but I can't, and I don't know what to do to "make it better". If I could, if I could bear that pain for him, I would, in a heartbeat.

And I guess that is what is so hard, I just sometime have no idea when or where they are going to come from... and once it happens, I don't know what to do about it.

So, I guess my point is, this thread helps from the other perspective. It helps ME understand what H feels-- and maybe what to do to help.

So, Balin, your post really helps me understand what to "do" to help. I wish there was more I could do.

So, I'd be interested in hearing how FWS can help "more". And interested in this "reclaiming" the triggers-- how that works. How do you "reclaim" them? Right now I just avoid anything that I know makes H trigger like the PLAGUE. Like, there is a street in our town with the same name as OM... and I avoid driving on it with H in the car. I don't know if that street is a trigger for him or not, but I'm that paranoid about making H trigger. I hate seeing him like that and I hate feeling that helpless. And I hate that it takes away our steam and our happiness together.

Thanks,
TT

My FWW slept with the OM for the first time only days after receiving a new wedding ring from me (the old one was lost). And she used our home and our bed for the event.

When I asked her about this, I got the impression from her answer that those symbols of our M really didn't mean much to her at all during her A.

I'm not sure that they mean much to her now, in fact. I think she wears the ring now more because she thinks that's important to me, rather than because it symbolizes something important to her. I might ask her about this tonight, just to confirm my feelings on the matter.

I started this thread for 2 reasons, 1 for the BS to share and vent a little bit and get things out in the open for the WS and FWS here.. and for the FWS and WS to learn the common triggers and what to do about them.


I am interested in this too. I see my FWW struggle so much to avoid the things that make me feel awkward and upset, at the same time doing that hurts her and is sort of a trigger for her as well. Infidelity truly does destroy a marriage, it sickens me that it is glamorized and often seen as a good thing in our society today.

So FWS's speak up! Tell us what your triggers are if you have them, and what you do to help your BS's to cope when they do trigger.

NRO

When I have read something that triggers those memories, or I see something on tv, I just get up and go to the bedroom. H gives me about 5-10 min. and then he comes in to check on me and gives me a hug. Each and every time, he apologizes for the pain he's caused me.

Right now, the best thing my FWW does for me is hold me and tell me that we will make it. I have to tell her when I'm triggering, though. I had to do this yesterday. A lot of the A happened while I was out of town coaching high school soccer. Well, I had a game 2 hours away Monday night. I went home over lunch before I left and told her that I was having a really bad feeling about leaving. I don't know what it was...I didn't think things were going to happen that night, but I just could not get over that queasy feeling in my stomach.

So, I told her about it. She brought me inside, left our boys outside on the swingset and she just hugged me for a while. It was nice and it helped.

I have told her of other things that would help and they really have. When leaving the house (especially during times of the A) she would never wave at me as she left the driveway. Now, we always wave and blow kisses when we leave. We leave little notes for each other to be found later in the day. She rubs my back after a game or hard day of practice. She tells me all about her day every night. We go to bed early and just talk and watch TV together. We pray every night with our boys. Little things like this just help me realize that I mean something to her.

The day after I learned that something happened on my favorite couch, I eliminated the trigger and bought a new one. The day after the new one was delivered, we "reclaimed" the basement couch. It's strange, but now the basement feels like "mine" again. The bad trigger has now been replaced by a happy and fun memory.

We have not reclaimed other places and situations as I'm not sure I want her to relive those experiences. Unless she brings them up, I'm not bringing them up either.

And, yes, little, unrelated things trigger me as well. I don't know why and I really wish they wouldn't. Please be understanding of us BS and realize that triggers aren't fun for us and we do not have them to punish our WS and make them suffer more. At least, I hope BS don't do that - even though it is deserved, it's just mean.

triggers...there's so much i can say. this is just another thing to have to cope with...on top of the betrayal, the hurt, the mistrust, yada yada.

the first time it hit me...i didn't know what happened. we were in a department store, shopping, the song he used as her ringtone played over the sound system...i couldn't take it...i told him i had to get out of there. he had no clue...i had to break it down for him. just like teatea...he felt helpless. he'd also try to avoid triggers at all cost. he hated seeing the way it affected me, knowing that he was the cause of it. i told him, in order to help me through it, i needed his constant reassurance that we'd make it, that he was truly remorseful. i needed him to console me. i'm hopeful that he's actually sincere and that it's not forceful. i can actually listen to the song now, without becoming so much of an emotional wreck. it's still a reminder though, because it never goes away...it actually gets better, but will always be there.

i have many triggers, almost every single one of the same. as someone mentioned, it just tends to hit you when you least expect it. you don't know it's a trigger until it hits you. one that got me a few weeks ago was when i happened to be in the same office as someone on their cell phone. as i heard the sound of a female voice on the other end of the line, i had to leave the room...my body started to cringe. it's because, 3 days before dday when WH finally admitted, he got a restricted call at almost midnight on his cell phone. i could sense he was hesitant to answer...he finally picked up after i kept insisting. i could just hear her voice on the other end...he thought he was so sly because he just kept saying, 'hello hello...wrong number', all the while trying to press the end button (and keep missing) as the phone is still being held to his ear. i can hear her saying, 'can you talk? what are doing?', until i grabbed the phone from him...she hung up when i came on. looking back i was such a fool...because still, through all that, i wanted so much to believe him after he could look at me in the eyes and lie to me straight faced. i'd torture myself, replaying it in my head...but it's been lesser and lesser

as for reclaiming...i believe it's essential to rebuilding the M. because what you're doing is creating new memories...better, happier memories to replace the hurtful ones...they'll eventually be phased out and you'll be depositing LU's because you're commiting that time and energy into whatever memory is being created. so claim away...because it is ours to take.

My H was just complaining to me the other night about how hard it is to live under such scrutiny. I check his emails about 2x a week and history. I told him he's under this scrutiny thanks to his actions and it would be continuing for a long time to come. He said he didn't think he could take it all summer. When I inquired as to which part he thought was worse he said he couldn't even go fishing anymore. (TRIGGER) I explained how he used fishing as his excuse last summer to spend a whole day with OW, and now it makes me cringe when he mentions it. I told him I am willing to go fishing with him this summer but he needs to realize he has lost my trust by using that excuse. Now he understands a little more and he's willing to drag me along. He didn't think of his day of fishing as a trigger.

Black sexy cocktail dresses

Nissan Exterras

the time 10-10:15pm as this was the witching hour for them, they talked everynight at this time forever on end. I think the POS was so cheap that he waited for evening rates to do the most talking.

Whew, are there a lot of triggers...It is crazy how many are similar, though.

Cell phone - as soon as I left for work and to take the kids to the babysitter (because she couldn't see him with them at home) she would call him. I even bought it for because her old one went bad during the A. She even somehow texted him before bed at night sometimes, and I am going to have to ask one day how she managed that one.

Our old house - we bought it about the time the A was starting and lived there for the duration. I was also sick for a time while we lived there and lost my job to top it all off. We have moved out of that town, now.

Our bed - it is an extremely expensive bed and they had SF in it. They only had SF once, fairly early on, so it isn't as bad as if it was often. I suppose it is good that he was a little afraid of me, or it may have happened more.

Our kids - she used to always to dump them off on me because she didn't want to take care of them during the A, or she would take them to the babysitter when she had no good reason to do so

The town we lived in - the whole A occurred within a five mile radius of our house, my work, and all the restaurants there.

When she dresses sexy - She is extremely attractive, and I hate it when she is sexy despite the fact that I love it.

When she goes anywhere alone (rare) - even though she may not be going anywhere near where he could possibly be, it is not good.

The place where she works - she is quitting soon to go back to school and doesn't see him anymore, but it still kills me that there have been a couple of times they have worked the same shift since it ended. Fortunately he hurt his knee so badly that he wasn't able to work for months.

SF - not too bad of a trigger, but rarely does his image not pop up sometime during SF. It has always been great even during the A, and fortunately that hasn't changed.

Her one former friend who knew about the A and thought it was OK

I love you - she complained to me that I said it too much during the A

One particular restaurant - she took a call from him there when we were out to lunch one day!!! I told her she was having an affair because she looked so guilty, but she gave me a wonderful excuse that really did sound correct. She later said that she took the call because he was so bad about calling her that she couldn't let it go by.

Breathing, opening my eyes, closing my eyes, driving, doing laundry, basically anything I might do. There are just some things that trigger some times for no apparent reason.

Sorry to vent, but there are still a lot of triggers.

The best thing is that sometimes I don't think about it for most of a day. Unfortunately, some days aren't so trouble free.

Thanks, and this is a very interesting thread.

ha! i'm sorry wade...can you just imagine what goes on inside their heads? i actually don't believe they think before they speak. they had brought this all upon themselves. we would not be going through these extremes if it were not for that dreadful action they decided upon. they're faced with "living under scrutiny"...we're face with trying to pull our whole world, minds, and everything else back together. sorry, just had to vent...finding my way through the "fog"


my H thing was going to the gym. he respected my wishes and finally returned when i was okay with it again. there are certain conditions that i placed which he sticks to and it helps. but good, have him "drag" you along during fishing. reclaim that recreational activity...become his favorite recreational partner. you may not be that into it, but it's the point that you're together, spending that quality time. make it fun.

Tryn: That's what I figure. He can bring me along and whether I fish or just sit in my camp chair and read, we will be together. I used to fish (some 19 years ago) and he didn't then, but I gave it up because I was 9 months pregnant with DD and they really don't put enough port-o-potties along waterways for emergencies. LOL
When he grumbled, I told him how fun it could be. We'll bring a picnic lunch, I can take my camera and photograph his technique, and we'll both get alot of fresh air. Since he flyfishes it's not like we need to be out in a boat, so it will be fun.

***Have any of you ever noticed that it seems like your WS talks alot more about women in their workplace than men (or vice versa) since their A? I never noticed but now it seems H talks about and knows more about the young women he works with. We even went to an art showing last night of a 26 yr old coworker. Never done that before so I am being vigilant.

Being military and WW A happened while SHE was deployed, I look at my triggers everyday at work and on the news.

1. Afghanistan
2. Desert uniforms
3. His last name (quite common)
4. hotels (I travel sometimes for work, they met there once)
5. Her pictures and memorabilia from the deployment
6. Pics of things that we did before I found out
7. Anything to do with Italy (that's where he lives)
8. movies/songs about infidelity
9. Her short hair (she's growing it out)
10. Military...period (I'm out soon, so is she)

I just posted my top ten triggers and it just hit me. I did something that some of you may find a little weird but it's something I think is going to help me in the long run. This thread is all about triggers right? Well, I have alot of tattoos and I just had a new one done on my forearm that some may consider a "trigger". I just had a heart with a knife though it and a ribbon saying "pain goes away" across the heart. It right up front so I have to look at it everyday, it will be a constant reminder for me of everything that's transpired in the last 5 months. Now, I could potentially let this tattoo drive me into the ground or I can believe the words and move forward. I struggled with whether or not I should do it because it could backfire on me. But I think this "trigger" is going to help me, and eventually us, in getting our marriage back together.

I in no way condone what she did, but I recognize and assume responsibility for my part in creating the environment that made it an "easier" choice. I'm out of town for business and she hasn't seen it yet so I don't know how she'll react to it. I did it for me so I really don't care how she'll react. If she really wants to heal our marriage, she'll believe those words also, "pain goes away".