Wow, the wreckage in my childhood is amazing.

I grew up Catholic. Myself and two sisters. My parents divorced when I was 16 yrs. old. My dad was an alcoholic and went into treatment 2 yrs after the divorce. (He’s been sober since.)

What I knew at the time of their divorce;
My mom had an affair, told dad she no longer loved him and wanted a divorce(classic). I found out about the affair from a neighbor girl. The divorce went forward, she left moved into an apartment by herself. The affair, of course, crumbled. She admitted everything to my dad.

At the same time my dad began having an affair, and came home drunk every night. I found out about this affair from a friend at school, who also happened to be the son of the other woman. He told me “it looks like we were going to be brothers”. Of course, it crumbled too. He never told my mom, but she did discover this some years after their divorce.

Fast forward;
My mom remarried 5 years later and asked if my dad would agree to an official annulment request with the Church……He would not!

My dad remarried 10 years after that and told my mom he would finally agree to the annulment request with the Church!

Annulment granted due to my MOMs infidelity!


Now;

In many talks with my dad, he has revealed, to me, the fact that he cheated on my mom on three occasions during their marriage. I recently asked my “mom” if he has ever made amends to her OR revealed any affair(singular) on his part. He never has and she is not aware of any of these(plural) other affairs.

Many here know much about my story and the fact that my dad supported my A (so sad), and that I wish he would have kicked my [censored]!
Through my own brokenness, God has revealed much to me. I clearly see all the lies and wreckage scattered throughout my past….. I now feel my mom deserves to know all the truth about her past. BUT...Is it my place to reveal these truths to my mom, or only my place to ask my dad to make amends and be honest?

BTW, I do not want any backlash about the Church on this thread. I think we can all agree the Church has many problems, but mainly due to the many broken people. Please, let’s leave it at that.

What I need are some suggestions and thoughts about sharing what I know or am I better off leaving this entire mess alone?????

I would tell her the truth. It doesn't sound as though they have much of a relationship(if they do, give him the chance to come clean).

Never worry about revealing a truth. Honesty is always a good thing...well...unless it has to do with jeans and "do they make me look fat!"

Glad to see you becoming so self aware.

Just as an aside, I have always felt that true intimacy is the ability to be able to answer the question of "do these jeans make me look fat" with an 100% honest answer, including, "It's not the jeans my lovely wife..."

Many crave intimacy, but are unwilling to accept the honesty that goes with it.

If it were my mother and father, I'd leave it alone. It's not my place to tell my parents what to do.

I think I'd tell my father that I was disappointed with how he did things and leave it at that.

Let him decide if he wants to bear all or not.

If this were an on-going affair, my advice would be different. However, I'd just stick to telling my father that I was disappointed that he had a different standard for himself than he had for his wife. That the annulment should have been based on infidelity by BOTH of them at the very least, if not his initial infidelity.

What kind of man doesn't own his behavior, that's what I'd ask my dad.

Wait, I did ask my father who abandoned my mother essentually at the altar, while she was pregnant with me. He gave some sort of lame excuse and 4.5 years later, that was my only contact ever with him in the near 43 years of my life.

Why does your dad burdon you with this...

what a thing to tell your daughter...

If it was me I wouldn't want to know these things...
and truthfully I don't see the point in your mom knowing this now....



ask him why he is telling you...

and know that this man holds NO VALUE in the definition of marriage...
I would tell him that if I were you

sad sad sad

Does his mother not deserve to know the truth about her life?

Does she not deserve to know that she was married to a serial cheater.

Does she not deserve to know that what she thought was reality was actually a lie and that her husband manipulated and lied to protect his multiple infidelities? (Maybe those gut feelings she had so many times, really weren't her imagination or her insecurities.)

Doesn't she deserve to know???

She carries much guilt and blames herself for much of the "bad times" in her marriage. Perhaps if she knew he was actually out scr@wing other women repeatedly, she might begin to put some of her life's puzzle together.

(MEDC, can you edit your post to remove the name.)

I just don't see how any good can come from telling your mom. She knows about one affair, she knows he was a drunk, they got divorced, and both have moved on.

I can honestly say that if my exhusband had any affairs that I do not know about, then I would not want to know about them now. Even a decade latter I think it would still hurt to hear that I had been lied to and cheated on multiple times.

Now if she is blaming herself for their marriage failing or is considering starting a relationship with him again, then I would tell her.

Also, have you considered that maybe your mom does know and does not want to burden you with the mistakes of your parents past?

who says she carries much guilt and blame...

she remarried...

look I just don't get people burdoning their children...

with such painful stuff.....

I think dad should tell himself and quit dropping his load on his daughter he's a coward and a weak weak man....

what's the big payoff walking around wounded and damaged from the past...it's like America's past time...

may be her mom is happily married and glad glad glad not to be with serial cheater man..

just may be...

tell or don't tell.....

it's all just opinions....

if my dad came to me and burdoned me with his affairs in the past...

I'd say...

see ya later dad....

it's been real....

and move on and away...

People spend too much time mired in the muck.....

drags you down.

life is too short...


ark^^

Well, if this were my XH(and I DO have one of those)and one of my kids found out the truth that he had cheated on me, I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, UNQUESTIONABLY would want to know. It would not change a thing about my relationship to him but for all the reasons that sexymamabear pointed out, it would be of immeasurable benefit to me.

Also, if YOU know, it's a sure bet that someone else who knows your mother knows too. I am always very upset when I find out that someone else knows something about MY life that *I* don't know.

Tell her, tell her kindly, tell her lovingly and be with her as she processes. I bet you are going to be surprised and find out that she has always harbored a suspicion.

As for your dad. Tough. He was unwilling to pay the price for his As at the time and he has to pay it now. There is ALWAYS a price to be paid. The Bible makes it clear that EVERYTHING done in the darkness will be brought into the light. Bad news for ALL of us, I fear.

Blessings to you with this decision,
WH2LE

This is my MIL IRL. I KNOW she carries guilt and blame.







tst is the SON not the DAUGHTER.





That a BS is no longer deceived...that she finally has the pieces to the puzzle of her life.

That those unanswered questions,

Those pieces that never made sense...now will.

I guess if you feel so strongly about it...then why wouldn't you just tell

I just don't understand why you are asking this if you feel so strongly she should be told..,

ark

Applause, applause sexymamabear!!!!

Also, people never want to believe the other truth that the Bible proclaims,

"Know you the truth and the truth shall set you free".

I think that so often, we have a "feeling" for the truth(like when we were suspicious of our waywards but did not KNOW for sure.) The "feeling" only breeds worry and fear. But ultimately, the sure knowledge of Truth sets us free. It may hurt but it clears away the fog and the cobwebs that have left us feeling confused for so long.

I don't wish that I didn't KNOW the truth about my H's betrayals. I just wish he hadn't DONE IT.

And I don't think there is a moral statute of limitations on adultery.

Blessings,
WH2LE

HUH????


I was not the original poster.


I am MARRIED to the original poster.

One more point, then I should jump off this thread...


Telling the truth is the first step in breaking this dysfunctional cycle...generational sin...whatever you want to call it.

Infidelity is rampant in this family.

Keeping secrets is what allows it to continue.

I truly am confused...

if you think this information would be a good thing...

why wouldn't you have told her already

If you really think it would therapuetic..and you are dealing with a woman traumatized today..... over something in the past...

You need to consider her ability and resources to deal with it in an effective way....

how will she handle this

I guess that there are bigger and smaller pictures to things...

if the telling destroys her world...is it a good thing..
if it causes great division is it a good thing..

I am all for revealing active affairs.
I am all for revealing past affairs if still married...

years later divorced with great division going on as one spouse dumps on a son....and lays the burdon in their lap....

I don't know..
i don't know the players...
so my opinion is...

I have no idea...
sorry to have wasted your time...

ark

SMB, I am missing what you mean here. What name?

SMB and TST...she deserves to know. It is that simple. It is cruel to suggest otherwise....people have a right to honesty about their life. Those that have not been on the receiving end of betrayal really don't have a clue about what this does to someone.

TST...honesty....it is the way to go.

yeah, it is so much better to have your head in the sand....



ignorant of the truth and happy...nah, I would rather know the truth and deal with it.

To each his own.

Wild guess here...they have been healing their own marriage and TST is just now becoming aware of certain things and the damage that they cause. Just a wild guess though.




another guess here...but I think they were running something by people that have learned to count on. Support and understanding...maybe...again...a wild guess.

MEDC, it was already taken care of. You had tst's real name in your post, but it has been removed from your post as well as the post that quoted you.

I'm sorry SMB..I didn't even notice that I did that.

tst said it was no big deal anyway.

But since BA never goes away...well, I'm just trying to be extra-cautious.