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Joined: Mar 2006
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with this long road of recovery which has come a long ways I still stumble upon things that I find myself feeling a little uneasy over. This is something I have noticed for awhile and maybe I only notice it now because of his infidelity because I either trusted him that I just didnt notice all the years before. Ok does your husband talk in a different tone to women versus me? Is this something naturaL they do or is it just my husband. He seems to talk a different tone with females but I notice this same tone with lets say older people men or women or someone he may not know. He doesn;t talk and use the females name but he always (mostly) does when talking with a guy, I don't know maybe he doesn't use the females name because Im standing there, but then with a guy he says ok thans, but with a female it's sweeter and its thankyou. Ok so He swears he doesnt realize he does this and says he doesn't mean anything by it, so maybe I'm just really magnifying nothing. Is this normal for guys to do this? I haven't noticed other guys do it but then they are friends and my husband doesn't change his voice to our friends. So why would he do this. I guess because of his infidelity I see it as him wanting to make an impression even though its over the phone but sometimes he'll see them later. Plase help me with some advice if I'm totally off the deep end or if this is a legitamite concern. we have been arguing over this and I don't want to argue about it, so if it's me that needs to relax about it I will. Is it wrong for a male to use the females names and say thanks Mary have a great day? Normal voice or sweet tone voice? Tell me if I'm losin it thanks

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I believe many do this. I know I do. And while I'm not in a place to talk about it right now, I do. And I do it with older people as well. But I also talk to other guys in a different voice than I would my friends. You probably wouldn't pick up on that though, nor would one expect you to. I am going through some troubles because of an A and if I was your husband and put you through what I am putting my wife through, I would just say I was sorry and try to change that habit. It's obvious that right now it would be a love buster for you, one because it just bothers you and two because it brings back a certain resentment maybe? Just my opinion but I know the vets will tell you much more and possibly better words.

I am also glad that I read that because maybe that's something I should work on as well. If I know the person or now, why would I change the way I speak with them? I shouldn't and starting now I won't.


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Thanks JustTim, I'm glad that you are going to change that for your wife, she will appreciate it and will make her feel more secure. But why do men do that? My fwh insists he doesn't even know he does it so he says he doesn't know how to change it, he said he'll try to be more careful but still if he doesn't notice or think he does it its going to be harder to change. Is it a form of flirting? Or only in a case that you're aware of it? My fwh is a friendly guy, and is to everyone. Am I making something out of nothing since he talks to older people like that? Maybe this is something for someone on the other side. thanks again

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I too am a friendly guy, but what it comes down to is that if you don't like it and find it to be a love buster than he needs to find it in himself to change. At least that's what I feel. I'm not saying to take advantage of him and make him change rediculous things but it may just be a form of innocent flirting but I now know that there really is no innocent flirting.

just mho


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I think that most people tend to "talk" differently to the opposite sex and to those they don't know at all or very well.

I know that most of the people I know do it.

It's quite possible that you are reading more into it than it really is.

I msyelf am a friendly person...but will talk with a different tone depending on who I'm talking to and how well I know them. I think that almost everyone does this...without even knowing that they are doing it.

I do it...my husband does it...and I know that neither of us are actually aware of it when we do it. It's just something that we do.


BS(me) 35 - WH -36 / 3 Daughters / Multiple DDays / Seperated 3 Times/ In Recovery Since 10/01
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thanks again, see that's just it, I don't want him to change something that is ridiculous and normal.
Miss Priss thank you, you have made me feel better that it may be normal, so then I shouldn't worry? When do you start to worry when they start to use their names? or is that innocent too? Sorry for all the questions, we have been round and round with this and he just doesn't see him doing it. thanks anymore inputs would be great, Miss Priss defentily made me feel some relief.

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I talk differently to both men & women that I now meet because I discovered what a relief it is to talk to someone who does not know anything about the garbage you have been thru. Being on the victim side of affairs can make you self conscious, after years of that it is a thrill to speak to someone who does not know your personal history.

Hope this helps!

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I'm glad that you are feeling better about this.

I wouldn't say that you should worry if the persons name is attached to say....a thank you or something along those lines.

Just like we react to different situations according to the situation...we will act differently according to the topic of the conversation...who we are talking to...etc...We do it whether we are aware of it or not.

I don't know your whole story....but I wouldn't worry unless say...he started getting too "comfortable" with the conversation or seems to dwell on a conversation that he's had with someone of the opposite sex....or acts differently after the conversation.

I will say however that he needs to realize that if he's talking to a person of the opposite sex and you are not comfortable with the way he's either talking or the subject of the conversation...he needs to address that.

One thing you might need to realize though is that sometimes the BS tends to read more into somthing than it is after going through this mess. I did WAY too much of that in the early days of recovery and it's one of the things that sets recovery back.

I just got to the point where I assumed it was innocent unless I saw or heard something that would make me feel that it wasn't.



BS(me) 35 - WH -36 / 3 Daughters / Multiple DDays / Seperated 3 Times/ In Recovery Since 10/01
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Thanks Miss Priss, sorry it took so long to respond. I do understand what you are saying that we can read into things, I definetly wonder that ALL the time. This rebuilding trust is so hard, I feel like I don't know what is normal or not normal anymore. I guess with conversations I just don't know how far it should go to be more than needed. He always uses their name and always tells people to have a nice day, although I never would think this was inappropriate before it seems all these things I see into it like you said. I guess what bothers me is my FWH is friendly which is fine but I also think he wants to make an impression, maybe worries what people think of him I don't know that and maybe again it's my fear of me seeing things that aren;t there. thanks again


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