i'm new here. just joined b/c my H and I are looking for ways to strengthen our marriage. he thinks sharing your marriage with the world via internet is ridiculous so he will not be on here! it almost makes me feel like i'm sneaking behind his back writing on here but actually he knows i signed up.

we just joined our church's marriage enrichment group and are reading "the 5 languages of love." even though we always attend church and are growing our faith, i had to drag him to the group but he actually loved it and is really in to the book! that was exciting. we are doing fine right now but our 16 month marriage (we were the most newlywed by 5 years in our church group!) has taken a lot of hits in this short time....in the very beginning i lost my job, we got engaged and got prego after 5 months, we relocated to another state and we accrued A LOT of debt.

over everything, the debt is what put the most strain on our relationship. i am not typically over occupied with money. i like to have some extra (savings). pay my bills. and every now and again treat myself to something nice. the debt did not really bother me. i was stressed but i think marriage, baby and moving were my true stressors. for my H he was stressed to the max the first time he got a 30 day late notice and about to explode when he got the first collector call. needless to say, he often said many hurtful things during this time and threatened divorce more than once. before both of us had had some credit blunders but proudly cleaned them all up and when we united there was very little debt. we did not buy bunch of useless things but instead it just accumulated over time b/c while i followed the theory, just take your whole paycheck and pay the debt off so it won't haunt you, my husband felt it was better to go at things gradually instead of aggressively.

of course (not i told you so though), things piled up one upon another and next thing you know we were getting personal loans to pay off stuff that got out of control. then next thing you know, we couldn't pay off the high interest loans and here we are. after working a mess of dead end jobs since being laid off (i'm college educated-bachelors and masters) i have finally made my way back to my professional field and my husband (also bachelors and masters in progress) is in his, we are digging our way out.

b/c we have better financial control now and our child is now a year old, we can see a light at the end of the tunnel and now realize that we have to do some major recovery efforts on our relationship--thus the new focus on enriching our relationship. it is going to take some determination and commitment but neither of us want it to sour and we love each other a lot. i do sometimes still think of those hurtful things but seeing his new efforts at our relationship help erase some of those scars.

i guess i do not really have a question but please share any advice, well wishes, etc. for us on how to rekindle and protect our young marriage that never really got a chance to have a honeymoon period!

Just wanted to wish you good luck

Sorry I didn't see this earlier. Hope you didn't give up and leave. Oh, I've got tons of ideas. My first advice is to set up some sort of structure for your family. It will give you a guideline to stay within, let you know when you're stepping outside what you both previously agreed was what you wanted. For instance, say your H likes online video games. Sit down and negotiate what would be a decent amount of time each week that he could play video games without it affecting you. I said negotiate, because it has to be POJA - policy of JOINT agreement. If you said you thought one hour was sufficient, he wanted 10 hours, he would either quit playing and resent you, or he would do it anyway, and hide it. Neither way is sustainable.

Do that with everything in your lives. Housework, money, childcare, doctor's appointments, everything you guys have to take care of. Start discussing them, and make agreements on what you both think is doable. I'd even write them down in a notebook for referral later on.

Once you've got your 'family rules' down, move on to making your family life more fun, something you look forward to. I like to recommend trying out one new restaurant a month. In your case, with your bills, you might want to make it once a quarter. Try a new park every month, and take a picnic basket and toys for the baby. I'm not just talking city-size parks, I mean the little ones in all the neighborhoods. We used to ride our bikes and ride around and try out all the playgrounds when D17 was younger. Lots of fun.

Find more ways to make your life interesting. Many don't cost a penny. Take up tennis or street hockey. Join a softball team. Plan some day trips for the weekend. Map out the places you'd like to visit in your life, and start saving money to accomplish that (having that goal makes it easier to save for it). Reach out to your family and take trips to visit them - your baby needs a strong outer family. Start a board game night once a week, and take turns picking out which game you'll play. Take turns choosing a movie to rent and have a movie night. We used to set up a blanket and pillows on the living room floor, pop some popcorn, get in our pajamas, turn off the lights and watch a move, pretending we were at a drive-in theater. See if there IS a drive-in theater near you - they are so fun.

See what I'm doing? I'm finding ways for the two of you to spend the recommended 15 hours a week together, to rebuild and strengthen your love for each other. So you'll stay friends and remember why you wanted to be married in the first place. Together, you can conquer all those other little problems.