My A was 4 years ago. My H made the decision that we should not tell anybody of my A. In fact he/we covered the obvious changes in our lives by saying I was being harassed by OM. We never disclosed my part in the relationship. I have just told one of my best friends about it for the first time. She had no idea.
My friend was very loving towards me. She expressed disappointment yet unconditional love. I felt I owed her the truth. I felt I have been fraudulent, by not disclosing this information.

I feel as if apart of me is still cheating, not on my H, but on those who love me. I have this secret, that they don't know about. They are giving me their unconditional love right now - however, I feel there is a condition, my A, that might change their mind.

Is this me cheating them? I feel I need them to accept me and love me with them knowing my past.

What is my responsibility to them, do I owe them full disclosure?

I really don't know if I should handle this as a private matter, and us keep it to ourselves like my H had initially wanted, or if the truth really needs to be said.

I keep hearing the saying, the truth will set you free...........

No - I have not POJA this with my H, but I would before I started confessing.

Thanks - KY

Hello Kyellow,
Well, I can only answer you from the perspective of your H. My H had a few month long EA. This woman was relentless in her pursuit and he did very little for quite a while to fend her off. The night he told me of the intensity involved, I immediately called several of our close friends/relatives and told them he was considering leaving me. They were all very shocked as we appeared to be "that" couple. So, flash forward to now...whenever people ask why I've lost so much weight (23lbs) and what's going on with us, I explain that he met a girl at work, tried to help her through an emotional situation and the friendship went crazy! I also continue with the fact that he is being stalked. REally, this is more for me than for him as it's embarrassing. Those who are closest to us know the full details and are helpful to me and, if required, to H. Maybe this is what your H needs. Ask him. I don't think my H realizes I tell people he has a stalker...he never asked. But, I simply got tired of answering questions as to why I sat in church most mornings, why I seemed 'sad' all the time and why I lost weight. It was for ME that I had to have something to say...this worked better.

Jelly! Hi honey, I miss you. I have had similar thoughts and chose to tell a select number of people including my older DS to help cleanse myself of the lies. You know that I kept the truth from my H for a long time before he found out. Once that door opened, I felt I owed a few people the truth. I had at one point considered outing myself to many more but was told it really was not necessary. If I were you I would (with ST's ok) tell just your closest friends, people who you know are perhaps affected by the wall you need to keep up to protect this secret. KWIM?

Love ya!

Jelly, you have two threads the same. Get back to Idiotville where you obviously belong.

Jelly can't log in and reply, but said thank you for your responses.

KY,

You owed your H the truth. Perhaps when/if your children were to ask for advice you might need to explain to them your experiences. Others you don't really owe a thing.

Having said that, it seems to me that IF you were in a position to offer advice to someone very close to you, it would be important that they know where you are coming from and yes perhaps your H as well.

It seems to me you really need to reach some sort of agreement with your H about this. Oddly, he may well be more embarrassed about this than you.

My final thought is something you really do need to think about. I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater", I've seen too many very good people come to this board after failing themselves and their marriage with an A, and then turn around the whole situation with their dedication and love for their spouse.

It seems to me you are NOT the woman that had the affair, way back when. You are the woman your H married, and chose to remain married to. You do NOT have a "darkside" waiting to jump out, in fact I would bet you are probably more tolerant of peoples failures than you were before. You see ways to change things that you did not see before.

KY, it is really up to you and your H who you tell. But, the people that needed to know do know. And frankly the person you hurt the worst has made the assessment that you are worth all of the pain and work. H wanted to and wants to remain married to you. That should be a pretty strong affirmation of your efforts and who you are today. So I don't think you are hiding anything.

If anything you are simply not telling people exactly how you have come to be the person you are and they know.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL