HELP

My wife told me about 3 weeks ago that after 13 years of marriage she no longer loved me and wanted a separation, and within a week she was already saying her goal was to get a divorce. We have 3 young and beautiful children that we're both committed to.

She has informed me that she's been feeling increasingly this way for years, resenting me, decisions I have made, ways I've neglected her and our children (internet gaming addiction I've since admitted and quit cold-turkey as a goodwill gesture that took me a couple weeks to get off the 'buzz' and slow down enough to stay in the moment with my family), and controlling/passive dynamics in our relationship were making her feel 'caged' and she no longer feels for me like she once did and is not attracted to me anymore. in the least. She wants to move on with her life and see what else is out there for her. She says she won't leave me and abandon the children, but in the meantime we're all in an extremely awkward and uncomfortable position. I'm afraid the disillusion of what she expected from our marriage will mean a dissolution of our marriage if we don't get the best qualified help and fast.

In 3 weeks I've been through shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, despair and am nearly at acceptance. But in the meantime, I've been making changes in my life, habits and home and relationships with my kids. I've been reading great resources like His Needs, Her Needs, Keep Your Marriage, Love and Respect, Boundaries in Marriage, and learning about what is needed to try to save our marriage and preserve our family. While I'm in a much better place to turn our marriage around, my wife has not shown willingness to reconcile. She says her love for me is gone. She turns 45 years old this year and I thought she was just going through a mid-life crisis. I didn't know her resentment underground was building until she became emotionally bankrupt in her love for me. I'm trying many different ways to make deposits into her love bank, but can't seem to make love them if she won't let me because those efforts have only made her say they make her feel more unheard and even harassed. Our situation seems like a classic/textbook case of marriage failure (mid-life, emotional neglect, resentment, surprise announcement, etc.) and not much hope for reconciliation. HELP!

Are there any women out there who have reached that point of something similar in losing love, intimacy and attraction to their husbands, and then found the love, intimacy and attraction again, and a better marriage than ever after they reached that point? Talking/corresponding with such a person/people would help to give me hope, ideas and a resource for information about how I can act/talk/behave to save our marriage.

Most people are preparing me for acceptance of her will to dissolve the marriage (work for the best, plan for the worst). I'm getting advice from most people who have not been through such a rift before (married people), or those who have been through a divorce or two and how the process works so I'm prepared to deal emotionally and practically with the process (I'm skeptical of their adversial approach toward playing hardball and being strong as a tactic to getting my wife to wake up to the realities of what the divorce will mean for her and our children - can adversarial tactics really heal a heart and marriage?)

As a Catholic Christian, a faithful and loving husband (God forgive me for just being emotionally distant withdrawn which I'm learning is one of the most damaging of marital sins), I love her unconditionally as Christ loves the Church, and still deeply love her and desire to preserve and heal our marriage (and feel better educated than ever in how to do that).

How do I get my wife to the First Step of restoring romantic love to our marriage which is a commitment to do that? She says her 'bottom line' is that she wants out. She hasn't filed yet that I know of, but I do know she's doing her homework to do that and says she's spoken to an attorney and is just waiting to get him a retainer fee. In the meantime we're still in our house and even sleeping in the same bed (with kids between us). She's seen a marriage counselor with me twice, but it has been entire too fast, adversial, mean-spirited, no good-will and painful to have done any good. I'm seeking another counselor because the prior one just seemed to validate all my wife's feelings, recognized that we're at polar opposites, and asked where we go from here without offering any constructive family/marriage/love-oriented solutions.

I believe I can change my habits of things that make her unhappy and work proactively on meeting her deeper emotional needs that I didn't know I was neglecting until recently (steps 2 thru 5).

My mother, the only woman in my house growing up, would withdraw emotionally from conflict and pray when conflict arose. My mom and dad are still together so even though the withdrawal worked for them and seemed normal to me, I realize I love my wife because she is deeper in emotional needs and complexity than my mother and I desire deeply to learn to meet those needs. I've been missing the intimacy in our marriage that we had early on before kids, financial pressures and time apart came between us.

Can that feeling ever come back after so much pain and lonliness? Should I just accept that it can't and let her go so she can find that again with someone else? (And maybe I will?) Or can you direct me to people and help that can put us on a path to save and enrich our love and marriage?

Please help with your advice, ideas, guidance and prayers toward creative solutions toward healing her heart and mending our marriage.

Is your wife committing adultery? There are several major red flags in your opening paragraphs.

Does she work?

Goodness. I'm sorry you're here.

I really hope you can come out of this problem, but it is likely that your W is a WW.

Hardball tactics? There's a difference between being strong and "threatening". There's a big difference.

The key is to be strong. I can tell you from personal experience that weeping and crying and begging are huge turn offs for your WW.

The people on this forum have the answers.

You're devastated emotionally right now. The best advice I can give you is to BE STILL! Do nothing! Don't agree to a divorce you don't want.

Your WW will spill vile hateful things at you. She will hurt you and say terrible things to you.

You need to wisen up and start looking for signs of infidelity, which I'm willing to bet are there.

Can you see her email? Have you seen her web browsing habits? Does she work odd hours? Does she hide her cell from you? Any chance you could get her cell while she sleeps and check it?

Can you check the bill online and monitor activity?

You also need to protect your finances. Believe me on this! Yes, the wife you trust has the right to share a bank account with you, but not the one that is threatening to leave you! Don't trust that at all.

No, don't threaten her about the "reality" of divorce. You need to Plan A for now. Read up on that. Look for the "180" on this forum and start living it.

Your emotional devastation is your greatest weakness. You will want to believe your wife when she starts telling you things to get you to comply and get her way. DONT BELIEVE ANYTHING!

Start looking for signs of infidelity. Come here when you find them and we can help you.

Minor TJ:

Chrisner, have you been getting my emails. I'm worried about something regarding my sitch. Please email me to discuss if you don't mind.

"Your W is a WW." What do these initials mean?

By the way, yesterday was our 14th wedding anniversary. She agreed to go to dinner and I took her to one of the best food places in town where she has liked to go in the past. I like to talk and listen so I can understand and tried to get her to talk. It was obviously uncomfortable for her the entire evening. By the end of the meal she was crying and saying she was feeling trapped because she was in a marriage with a man she doesn't love and she couldn't get out. I backed off and we went to go to someplace to unwind, but ended up sitting in our car in the parking lot while she smoked (she hadn't smoked through our courtship and 12 years of our marriage, but started smoking a couple years ago socially and now seems to need to smoke regularly, especially around me (she knows I don't like it but I think it is more that she needs it rather than is trying to drive me off with it).

I reassured her that I loved her, that her concerns that I withdrew from her and the family were because I didn't really love them or want life with them were her perceptions and not the truth. I started unwinding after work with internet gaming and became addicted to it. I also tried to meet esteem and economic needs through activities like trying to start my own web business (which didn't work out) and running the web site for a political candidate, and working as President of our college alumni association.

She calmed down and listened, but had no change of perception and heart. She agreed to delay any divorce action, but said she needed space and to be away from me right now. It is obvious that I trigger negative emotions in her. She sees this as not overcomeable as she doesn't like the sight, sound or smell of me so believes even if I can 'change' that there are some things I can't change and she wants a more glamorous, fun, exciting life than I can offer her, or would even prefer to be alone than to live in a marriage for convenience alone.

She's failing to see the possibility to feel the love again or that our relationship can be enriched through counseling and better communication, habits and meeting of basic needs that were not being met in the past.

Neither of us are willing to move out of the house because of the tie to the kids. I did agree to move to an extra bedroom to give her some breathing room. She agreed to go to counseling (mutual and individual) and work in good faith to try to find the love if she could.

Yes, I'm looking for signs of infidelity and there have been hints of it, but no evidence/proof on phone records I have access to or in her email which I also have access to.

We'll try the separation space for a while and see how things go in counseling and see where things go from there.

Again, if anyone knows of any women out there who have felt like my wife said she does and fallen back in love with their husbands again, I'd like an opportunity to connect with them so I can better understand the psychology and needs of the woman and what it would take to get her back the loving feeling again.

Anyone?

Yes. She went back to work in October after being a stay at home mom for 11 years. We accrued a lot of debt and the stress was high. I thought we were turning the corner on it now that she is working, but we probably need to get into debt management services. In the meantime, I have seen photos of her enjoying herself with work friends at bars and there were guys next to her and all were smiling and having fun. I understand even if there is no "one" that there could be lust/desire in her heart that is pulling her away from me. She's been critical of my lovemaking in recent months/years, but emotionally she hasn't 'been there' which has made it difficult to connect, enjoy and be passionate rather than just awkward.

WW = wayward wife.

From her actions, my guess is that she's actively involved either in an A or she thinks that the single life is her ticket to happiness.

So:
1. Don't move out of your bedroom, and don't move out of your bed.
2. Don't keep telling her that you love her, etc. and keep following her around like a sick puppy. That will only annoy her.
3. Snoop, snoop, SNOOP, until you find out what's really going on with your (W)W.
4. Read up on Plan A on this site, and start practicing it. Don't expect any returns in a hurry.
5. BTW - children sleeping in the marital bed? That's an enormously bad idea.

Bud, I hate to break your heart but you need to prepare for devastating news.

Those of us on this board that have been here a while recognize poor souls like you when we see them and shake our heads with sadness because we know that there is a huge chance you will discover news you won't like in the near future.

Odds are very high that your W is having an affair or has cheated already. The signs are all there.

You're at the right place for support.

There are women here who have been in your W's shoes. They strayed.

Odds are very high that returning to work opened her eyes and exposed her to others which give her attention. This attention was new and exciting and you can't compete with new and exciting, at least not without changes of your own.

There are big things you need to start doing and you will see results if you do so.

Your WW (I'm sorry, I'm going to refer to her as one. She may not be an actively WW but she is acting like a WW) will not come around until she sees change in you.

This is where you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, shake off the tears and hurt and be a man. She'll be attracted to a man, not to a weeping and crying puppy dog who follows her around.

So what does a man act like? A man has self respect. A man is not a doormat. A man lets her understand that just because she demands something it doesn't mean she's going to get it.

You need to think clearly for both of you.

This means that since SHE is the one who wants out, then SHE is the one who can leave. Don't you leave the house! Under no circumstances! You're falling for a classic trap if you do and you'll pay dearly for it.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!

I will do a search for you but you need to implement the 180 immediately and you need to snoop in a huge way.

Go through your phone records. Look through her outfits and jackets and look for receipts. Check your cell phone bill.

Look at your computer browser history. Install a keylogger on your computer and get the passwords to her accounts.

These things will lead you to the truth and you'll be able to find out if she's cheating. It's how I found out about my situation.

She'll deny, deny, deny and make you feel like you're the crazy one for suspecting something. Don't let her make you feel that way. It's a way to scare you off from the truth.

Buddy, it's time to man up. This is a very scary time and horribly difficult, but we are here advising you as men who have walked in your shoes. I was weepy, whiny and crying. I gave a no contest divorce because "I just need some space and feel we'll be back together after I've had time to heal."

Know where I am two years later? Broke, with very little of our marital possessions, separated from my kids, and she's shacked up with someone else, with all our stuff, and with our kids and just moved to another state to make it harder for me to see the kids.

You don't want to end up like me or like many other men like me who fall for the same lines. "This is just temporary." "I see us back together eventually." "If you don't make this difficult, then we can be friends and then who knows...."

It's words you want to hear and it's a way to get you to comply. It makes their exit easier and totally screws you in the process, breaks you financially and separates you from your children.

Prepare for it. It's coming. You've been warned that she will try this. Don't fall for it.

She's met someone. She likes him. She feels guilty about you. Things have probably already happened or are about to.

I'm sorry to break this to you, but you need to snoop and find out the truth. But most of all, you need to man up. It's hard, but she won't be attracted to you any other way.

This is the 180. It works and you need to start doing it!

I took this from another site:

Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. It is my suggestion that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. They appear stronger to the wayward partner and at this point in time, that is exactly what you want to portray.
This list was originally titled, “The 180” and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.

The 180
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.

This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

Thank you. I'm not leaving the house.

What are your thoughts on my offer to sleep in the guest bedroom rather than our marital bed temporarily so she had some separation and time away from me so she could better deal with her emotions toward interacting constructively with me in exchange for participating marriage counseling in good faith? Gentlemanly and appropriate? Naive? Good move? Bad move? Reasons?


By the way, my wife has been a proponent of 'attachment parenting' which I've supported somewhat reluctantly by permitting the children to sleep in our bed as a means of helping them to be to feel loved and confident. The kids are great and I admire the dedication she has to the kids. On the flip side, she's put them before me and around her which has been damaging to our marriage relationship. Thoughts on this?

What are your thoughts on my offer to sleep in the guest bedroom rather than our marital bed temporarily so she had some separation and time away from me so she could better deal with her emotions toward interacting constructively with me in exchange for participating marriage counseling in good faith? Gentlemanly and appropriate? Naive? Good move? Bad move? Reasons?


By the way, my wife has been a proponent of 'attachment parenting' which I've supported somewhat reluctantly by permitting the children to sleep in our bed as a means of helping them to be to feel loved and confident. The kids are great and I admire the dedication she has to the kids. On the flip side, she's put them before me and around her which has been damaging to our marriage relationship. Thoughts on this?

This is where you need to man up.

Why should YOU be the one to move out of the marital bed. It is a marital bed. SHE is the one wanting to act single. SHE can be the one to leave the marital bed.

You need to understand that you are now the defender of your marriage. Appeasement will get you nowhere with a wayward. It will backfire on you big time.

Standing up for staying in your marital bed makes a statement that you're not a doormat.

How?

You do it in a way that puts the burden on them. You simply state, "I believe in this marriage and want to work on it. I will stay in our marital bed and would love it if you slept there with me."

That's it. She wants to sleep elsewhere, then it's her decision.

Be prepared, however, that she will get upset and then blame you for "making her" sleep in the guest bed.

You're now a defender of your marriage! Don't start appeasement because it won't work.

Now, your kids sleeping with you is a problem. It would put a big strain on a marriage. How old are they?

I have a son who keeps wanting to sleep in my bed. He comes to me in the middle of the night, saying he's scared.

Obviously, this would be a problem if i was married. I'm not, so I don't care.

But pick one battle at a time. Don't make an issue of this until she's receptive to change. You're in for a looong battle, buddy. This is going to be the darkest, most difficult thing you've ever been through. This is why you must be strong.

She won't respect you otherwise.

I was a wayward wife in my first marriage. I can almost predict that's she's cheating or has someone that she's got her eye on.

Waywards are pretty predictable actually- even when they think they're unique.

I'll echo was POMD said- DO NOT leave your home- and you sleep in the marital bed.

If she is the one who wants to act single- she needs to leave!

I would also recommend putting a voice activated recorder in her car- waywards usually tend to say alot on a cell when they
think they are alone.

Continue reading here.

I didn't recover my marriage- due to resentment I felt I couldn't. So I cannot advise you in regaining that love for you. I can tell you however that women think about leaving way before they ever inform their partners. They usually have it in there head and they have decided and worked it out in their heads before they ever say a word. Sure you might have known
something was wrong- being critical of your lovemaking is a huge clue. I mean, who is she comparing you too???

At any rate, be still right now and do not agree to any dramatic changes or decisions.

Please listen to the concerns expressed here regarding your wife probably either already having an affair or having her eye on a potential affair partner (OM).

Obviously, you wouldn't be posting on an infidelity forum if that thought hadn't already occurred to you.

I too was a wayward in my first marriage and recognize many of the things you are describing your wife doing and saying as exactly the things I did and said.

Also note that a woman with children rarely talks of divorcing a perfectly good husband and/or leaving, unless she thinks there is someone "better" waiting in the wings.

I can not stress enough the need to start snooping now. I know it is scary and you may actually be afraid of what you will learn, but for the sake of your children and yourself, you need to be aware of exactly what it is you are dealing with.

Once you know, then you can get loads of help and support here on MB in developing a plan to save your marriage.

Who

It might look and feel good on the surface, but it's very misguided. If she's a WW, she feels that need to be away from you (her "space") so she can feel less guilty about what she's doing.



I think it's an excellent way to destroy the intimacy in an M. It did a very good job of that in my M.

Yes. Today I found much evidence of infidelity. I've accessed cell phone records on voice calls and text messages and printed them off. Around February, she started calling and texting a cell phone number I didn't recognize, but suspected it was someone that she worked with and mentioned admiringly to me in the past because they had a unique name. I went to www.reversephonedetective.com and paid to have the mysterious number owner identified and I've verified that it belongs to the individual I suspected. Correspondence between the two has flowed regularly ever since, on some days, quite actively, including the night and following day she stayed in a hotel away from home.

Aside from the anger, outrage and deep hurt I'm feeling right now, at least I know what I'm dealing with and don't feel as guilt-racked as I've been feeling. Yes, I understand that she doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for a long time and I feel badly I carelessly let the wolf in the henhouse. She said she decided a year ago that she wanted a divorce and has just been going through the motions ever since and didn't say anything until about 6 weeks ago. Sad. I'm sorry for my part of neglecting the relationship that let this happen. However, and unfortunately, she's chosen an adulterous betrayal emotionally if not physically (haven't proven yet).

Now that I have this mounting evidence, WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?

Do I file for divorce first? (Advantages to me?)
Do I confront her with the information and see how she responds?
Do I insist that she stop corresponding with this individual? (Can I? Would it do any good?)
Do I just keep the information to myself and wait for her to file?
Do I keep on working in counseling in earnest on myself and work toward reconciliation?
Do I just go about my parental responsibilities and life and let her life, conscience and actions unravel and document the facts so I can use them against her in court to get the upper hand on negotiation for child custody?

We have 3 young children effected by the consequences of this situation. Based on her betrayal I want physical custody of the kids as I don't think she's proven to be a very moral influence on them, or a responsible one (money, values), but I realize in the state of IL I have an uphill battle to climb as a dad.

I have an individual counseling session tomorrow and I think she has one later in the week. We have another joint session on Saturday. It's pretty much a sham on her part that I can tell as she doesn't seem to be in it to heal the marriage in any way.

In the meantime I'll work on the 180 and leave the rest to God. Any other advice would be appreciated.

Good on you for finding out the truth in your life.

The starting point for you is Plan A, where you show her what a great husband you can be. Seems like you have been doing that already. Keep it up.

Plan A includes exposing the affair. So you will want to let family and friends know what is going on, and also the other man's wife if he is married.

You can also expose to their work. Write a letter to the HR department and let them know that the workplace affair is threatening your family. Ask them what they plan to do about it.

Westwind,

Please do a search on BobPure and read EVERYTHING he's done since day one.

All of what he's been through, all of his actions and sheer gorilla stubborness saved his familia.

We began posting around the same time. He was far into recovery by the time the Wookie an my own R was just an infant, BECAUSE HE READ EVERYTHING, FORMULATED A PLAN IN HIS NOGGIN, AND THEN (this is the clincher) STUCK TO IT.

There is also this most helpful tool:


Orchid's Reverse Babble is a MUST READ.


Knowledge is power, Windyman. It's the only power we have at first.

Thank you for the reply. You think this will work? Should I discuss the plan with our marriage counselor first and maybe involve them in the confrontation? I want to stop this and nip it in the bud before it goes on any longer, but I'm afraid that this will look controlling and control is a big complaint of hers in our relationship. It might make her feel like she's justified in doing what she's doing as she's already said she's no longer married to me in her heart (and a judge or priest can't tell her otherwise) and there is no longer an 'us'. (I think that is how she is justifying in her head what she is doing). The counselor says to be patient and kind if this is going to work out. Confrontation about the truth seems like it goes contrary to her suggestion. It also puts her on the defensive and will limit my ability to get ongoing information on what she is doing because she'll be covering her tracks on whatever she does. If this does go to divorce I have 3 kids effected by this and I'll need all the info/facts I can get to fight for primary custody else risk leaving the kids with her in a corrupt value system and around irresponsible and unChristian behavior. Please be right and reassuring about your response and advise.

It sounds like your marriage was stale. You spent your enjoyable time away from her (gaming) and now her most enjoyable time is spent away from you (hanging out with co-workers)

Sounds like there were a lot of unmet needs.
And now, unfortunately she has found a way to have hers met.

She thinks she can manipulate you out of this marriage and make herself available to OM. So now she's complaining. Because she wants out. However she doesn't want anyone to know that she wants out because of her affair. She wants to keep OM hidden.

This affair probably started with her complaining about you to him. She has probably told him she either never loved you or hasn't loved you for years. She has probably told him that you agree with that assesment. Its a loveless marriage. You're only together for the kids....blah blah blah.

So she has him in position. He's hooked and thinking he's not doing anything so bad.

There are three things you need to do.
ONE: Plan A...identify and meet her most important emotional needs.
TWO: Collect all your evidence and do a Tsunami of exposure.
THREE: Stand for your marriage and family. Stay put. Do not leave your home or agree to divorce.

It sounds like you already have a handle on ONE. Plan A is meeting her needs. You need to have ice in your veins for this one. Calm, cool and collected. You are going to be doing nice things for her in the face of fury and anger.

TWO: for exposure, identify your targets. Who will have an impact on the affairees? Who is OM? Is he married? Girlfriend?
What is the employers position on employees being sexually/emotioanlly involved? Are either of them supervising the other? Friends and Family. Get this all done within a few days. You will see her angrier than you ever have before! Be prepared! Do not let her anger stop you from doing this!
Gaslighting is a typical tactic of waywards.

THREE: You will not leave your home....your bed....your children. If anyone leaves it will be her. Protect yourself from her as necessary (legally, financially, etc.) Do not discuss divorce schemes with her. Make divorcing you PAINFUL.
Do not cooperate. No mediators to save money, etc.

Questions?

Also read this article:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

And don't worry about what she is saying. She is following the script. She isn't saying ANYTHING that we haven't heard before.

She is trying to sell you on the idea that her affair is OK, because she is already divorced (in her MIND!) Typical.
She is trying to justify her actions to herself. Typical.
She is re-writing your marital history. Typical.
She hasn't loved you for years. Typical.
Typical, typical, typical.

You can save this marriage.

Few questions for you:
Is this out of character for her?
Has he ever been a cheater before?
How old are your children?
Is she religous?