It has been a few months since d-day and over time the pain and trauma FWH has caused our family is weighing more and more heavily on him every day. He told me he thinks about suicide every day. He told me he found a knife and thought it would the perfect one and when he thought about it (killing himself) he felt an enormous sense of euphoria. I know he needs help and he knows he needs help. What do you do? Where do you go? We had to move to a new city and don't even have doctors yet. I don't think he will do it because of our kids, but I'm scared and know this is serious. I know I'm part of the problem. I'm in so much pain and despair myself. I have nightmares every night and triggers all around me. I'm a sensitive person and I'm having trouble just moving on and trying to have hope. I feel crushed and don't want to leave my house. We left everything...jobs, friends, house, a place we loved, etc.

Call a suicide hotline....NOW...

My phone is locked in my car. From what I can gather from various websites, people contemplate suicide when their pain is outweighed by their coping mechanisms. I know I've played a part in making us feel hopeless because I've been in so much despair myself. I need to make him feel like we can somehow get through this and that there is a way out.

No, what you NEED to do is to ensure that your husband doesn't kill himself. THEN you can work on plan to show him a way out.

So, find another phone. (Is that what you will tell your family when they ask how did he manage to off himself, "well, I couldn't call anybody because my phone was locked in the car")

Sorry, suicide is something that is "deadly" serious. My first brother-in-law killed himself 17 years ago...and my sister is STILL not over it, and never will be.

Get help first. Fix the problems after he's safe.

Walk to a neighbor's house, or go to a gas station, ANYTHING, and do it NOW. This is no joke.

One of my best friend's husbands committed suicide 12 years ago. Her children are adults now and suffer from suicidal thoughts themselves. This is WAY beyond your ability to help him.

DO NOT DELAY. Not one more hour, not one more minute.

No excuses.

WH2LE

My H is at work. I'm in constant contact with him. Believe me, I know this is serious, but I don't see how me calling the suicide hotline right now will help him immediately. I'm getting an extra key this evening and we'll get my phone and get help asap. I will ask him to call the hotline tonight or I will. Is there medication that can help with this?

I sent him an email expressing that we can work through this, that I want to be there for him, and be a team. He sounds more hopeful and said it meant a lot. In all honesty, I haven't been completely sure I wanted to work it out. A part of me feels I can't deal with the betrayal and want to start anew, even though I love him. This has brought on his despair. I could never live with myself if he hurt himself because of me though. I truly love him. He is a different person than he was in the affair (that person I HATE).

he needs more help than medication right now, he told you because he is searching for help and hope. He is telling you because he doesn't want to but feels that he can not stop it from happening. For him to bring it up means he wants and needs help. Call him at work. Ask him how he is doing. If he is not doing well TELL HIM he needs to come home, or go and get him. I went through this the other day and managed to pull through with the right two phone calls. It's still a thought but a thought that I know is not an option. HELP HIM. It may not be what part of you wants to do but HE NEEDS HELP AND IS SEARCHING FOR THE HELP.

I just read what I wrote and I don't know if I made myself clear enough. From what I went through, if he is telling you. GET HIM HELP ASAP

He sounds upbeat. I'm emailing him constantly at work. His new job is going well so it is keeping him occupied and is a boost for him, although he says work is nothing to him now. I'm being hopeful in my emails and he says it means so much. I don't think he would actually harm himself because he loves me and our kids too much. It is just that the pain is so unbearable at times. I don't believe the danger is immediate. I still take this seriously though and will get help as soon as he comes home.

I agree that your H needs help ASAP.

I will however also say that even after the A and into Recovery that BS is still the one that carries most of the weight when it comes to dealing with these things.

We often end up having to put our pain and feelings on the backburner to help the WS get through what they need to get through. It sucks...yes....but we manage to buck up and do it.

YOU or your hesitation in recovering are not the reason he is feeling suicidal so YOU and YOU alone cannot help him.

My H was suicidal at one point DURING the A. He didn't go to his OW...he came to me...and even though I hated him at the time I'm glad that he did.

During that period the A didn't mean anything to me...it hadn't happened...it wasn't anywhere in my mind. The only thing that matter was fixing my H....like I said...I hated him at the time...BUT....having him around for his daughters was the most important thing at the moment. It didn't matter if he was around for me.

At this point you will have to decide what is more important...and I know this is the sucky part....but what's more important right now? Your feelings....or your H's life?

As a nurse I will tell you that a suicidal person will actually seem happy....after they have a "plan".

Every suicidal person has people that they love...loving somebody doesn't prevent suicide. If it did, nobody would ever kill themselves.

Please, please don't think you can help him yourself. I can't stress that enough.

Cathy, I was just about to post the same thought.

Miss U., your husband appearing upbeat may actualy be a BAD sign. Assume the worst here. I have the biggest concern because he actually TOLD you his plan and how he thought he would it. Call the suicide hotline NOW. Do not wait and call in front of your H. You may not feel free to give enough details.

He needs to be evaluated by a COMPETENT mental health professional. It may be as simple as needing antideppressants. BUT, YOU CAN NOT FIGURE THIS ONE OUT YOURSELF.

WH2LE

Go online and find the Human Resources phone number for his new job - I assume you're getting insurance through them? Call them and tell them you need to find out how to choose a doctor. They'll walk you through it or give you a phone number or URL.

If no insurance, just get on line and find a doctor yourself. Make an appointment, after hours, if you have to. Tell them it's an emergency and mention the suicide talk. When he gets home, take him to the appointment.

HELLO? (Tap, tap) Is this thing on? GET HIM HELP NOW!

The way I see it, you've got 2 choices:

1. "Gosh, he seemed so upbeat, he said he couldn't wait to see me, that work was going well...I had no idea he'd ________..."

OR

2. "That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He's safe now, and the kids know Daddy needed some help and that the doctors with him right now are going to give it to him..."

His actions are out of your hands. This is bigger than you both. GET HELP.

PLEASE

I am getting help and will update.

911.

Just dial it. Help will be on the other end. If he is willing to go to an emergency room, do that...if not...911.

listen to everyone here.
i am in the middle of taking a crisis intervention course. this is beyond what you can help him with. a hotline or er is the place to go.

mlhb

Please, as a LMSW, let me reiterate that depressed or seriously suicidal persons are almost always very euporic, upbeat and give the outward espression of hope and well-being just hours, days or weeks before they do themselves in. Recall all the news reports, paper articles that you likely have seen or read over the years, quoting family and friends saying "he was doing well, never expected this, sounded great, better than ever...".

All counties have 24 hour, crisis intervention hotlines. Don't need to give your name at all, just his, the circumstances and reasons for your concerns. You may just save a life.

We never really want to believe that someone we know or love would come to this point. Take heed and do the right thing.
Best wishes!

Well? Did you get some help tonight?

Give us an update when you get a chance, please!

He called the suicide hotline after he came home from work. He explained how he has been feeling and why. The person on the phone listened and they discussed his plan for improving the situation. I think the person on the phone felt that he had enough of a plan and way out that he didn't tell him to go to the emergency room immediately. My H plans to go to the doctor for anxiety medication ASAP. While serious, I don't think the thing with a knife really constitutes a plan for suicide. I believe the person on the phone came to that conclusion as well. That was the fleeting suicidal thought, but he doesn't have a time, place, etc. set up to make it happen.

What pushes H to the edge is thinking that what he has done is irreversably damaging and there is no way for things to improve and that he may lose me. I have to say, I'm sure I have felt this way many times myself. Now I feel I have to pull it together for his sake and my children's sake. I love this man beyond words. We had a great marriage before the A, and he agrees. This makes the whole situation even more devastating to him because he can't point to this or that thing that was wrong.

We were kind of going with the assumption that if I need to talk about it, we should talk, but I'm beginning to think it might be better if we establish a period of time, once a week to talk about the A, and then stop talking about it other times. I think I've got most of the details at this point anyway and I think we need a break. He is ready to be a great husband for me again and I need to let him. But I have a hard time letting go of the pain.