New to site, great info. Long story short, I've had issues with small lies over time with my wife. Someone called from office to say I was up to something. I wasn't. Well, I was only flirting. Never got anywhere. Wife doesn't believe me. She is very hurt. She confronted other woman.

Mess.

I know the small lies in my past didn't help with her believing me now.

How do I get her to believe me. It has been bad as she really thinks I am lying about not sleeping with someone.

She is constantly digging for more. There seriously isn't anything more. She keeps saying she can't believe me.

Thanks for any help.

Were you trying to get somewhere?


But you did lie.

Take a lie detector test and answer all her questions! My guess is you won't do this because you did lie, you just want your wife to think you didn't.

Don't you think even flirting - if that's really all it was - is demeaning and disrespectful to your wife?? Doesn't she have a right to be mad at you for that? And if you are willing to so openly show interest in another woman - and to do it behind your wife's back - isn't she going to question what really was going on? Isn't she going to wonder what you all talked about? Or what this other woman has over you that she can't get the same kind of attention? I'll bet you don't flirt with your wife like that - or treat her as kindly as you do the other. Don't you think that hurts your wife?
You need to prove to her that she is everything she thinks this OW was to you. Show her that you brag about her, flirt with her and tell her everything - even if it doesn't seem like you should have to. Answer her questions repeatedly and apologize endlessly even if you think you already have. Not only do you need to show her - she needs to feel it from you.

I'd suggest taking a polygraph test asap, and also search out the threads here in GQII, in Recovery and the Emotional Needs board on flirting. I urge you to understand the damaging impact your flirting has on yours and your wife's happiness.

You really need to read those threads and let them sink in. Then discuss them with your wife.

Give her access to everything. If you have a cell phone, have the bills sent to her, with detailed billing so she can see all the numbers, in and out. Hand over your phone every day so she can see all calls you've made and received and any test messages.

Give her your e-mail password. Invite her to read all of your e-mail.

If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

First off, sit down with your wife and answer every question she asks completely and truthfully, even if you think your answers are going to hurt her, make her mad, or make her unhappy.

You see, your actions have already done all of these things and because you have been untruthful with her, she can't see where the lies end and the truth begins, so she assumes the worst.

Second, as others have stated, once you have been completely truthful, schedule a polygraph session and let your wife supply the questions to the examiner.

In addition to the above, immediately provide her with complete and total access to your cell phone records, computer passwords, and become totally transparent in every way. Make sure she knows where you are and what you are doing 24 - 7.

Oh, and stop flirting, you're married and flirting is never, ever, the right thing to do when you are married.

You must earn back the trust you violated, and be prepared ... what you destroyed will take a long time to rebuild.

Who

Thanks all for the advice. I fully understand what I did and understand the hurt. But I didn't go as far as she thinks but I can understand her views.

I will and have opened up everything to her. Doesn't help that I got SPAM that appears like I solicite sex online and she doesn't get what spam really is.

I have offered a polygraph and it makes me nervous it will not give the right answers as they are not 100% but it may be all I got left.

We are working and praying on this. I feel confident we will get through it.

Lying is a serious business, because little lies really do chip away at trust. I know, because I used to lie to my wife about financial matters for years. I thought they were little lies, too, but they almost cost me my marriage.

I'll tell you what I did... I resolved to be fully honest with my wife... and then I was. And that was a long-term thing, not just a short-term situation as you envision yours to be. You have to make the changes to eliminate lying to your wife. My wife told me 3 years ago that it would take her a long time to trust me again, and I accepted that. My lies destroyed her trust, and I knew I needed to EARN that trust back... and I knew it had to be on HER timetable, not mine.

I think she "tested" me, too. I had lost a job about 5 years ago, and I told my wife I'd been laid off because the contract ended.. when in fact, I'd been fired. After we "reconnected", one night when we were talking, she asked me about that - she said she'd always thought I'd been fired because of the obsessive hobby I had. That was a scary moment for me, because I'd been lying to her about that for years... and besides that, it was something I was deeply ashamed of... but I had resolved to be honest. So I admitted to her that she was right, and I told her the truth about it for the first time. Turns out, she had figured out all the circumstances pretty much at the time it happened. So she already knew, and her asking me about it was in one way a test... although in another way, she was giving me an opportunity to come clean about this and put it behind us.

As a reformed liar, let me tell you that being consistantly honest with your wife really draws you both closer together. I've found that the more I open up to her, the more strongly we are bound together in our marriage. This kind of intimacy is impossible when you routinely tell "little lies".

I agree with the others here that you should take a polygraph test, give your wife access to your cell phone records and email account, and open yourself up as much as you can. Answer all of her questions. This is an excellent opportunity for you to break the habit of telling lies and to start earning back your wife's trust. Don't let it slip away.

One further thought...

If by chance you ARE lying about what happened... for whatever reason, whether to protect yourself or to "protect" your wife... you should take this opportunity to come clean with her. The road to restoring your marriage and rebuilding her trust in you has to start with you coming clean about what really happened, if by chance you have not done so.

If you haven't already, I really recommend that you read the Basic Concepts of this site, see the link in the Marriage Builders masthead. Honesty is extremely important. Honesty and Openness is very often a major Emotional Need for wives, and Dishonesty is ALWAYS a "Love Buster".

Good luck!

Thanks again. I am not lying. I understand that the little lies I have told and my track record causes her not to believe me.

Polygraph is scary as I don't want it to be false and have heard too many things that its not an exact science but I have told my wife I will do it. I have opened up. She has access to anything and everything but the doubt is still there.

I am being honest and finally I have learned that its not worth it and will be honest from now on. I am also in counseling about it.

I know it will turn out fine and the damage I caused can be repaired with time and a lot of effort. We have had good days and bad and I fully expect it.

Its nice to hear what others think.

Here's the deal though. It doesn't matter if you step an inch over the line or a mile over the line. You crossed the line. Thats all that really matters right? And yes, flirting with another woman is absolutely crossing that line. It is very disrespectful.

Your quote above seems to look at your situation in "shades of grey" so to speak. As far as respecting your wife and marriage, you would be better off to look at that in "black and white".

And definitely take the polygraph. They are more accurate then you think. Its expected that people get nervous during the tests. Thats why they have control questions so they can refer back to those when trying to decide if you are being evasive or you are just nervous.

If you tell your wife you are worried about false positives, she probably interprets that as you setting the stage to explain why you will fail the test. Just do it!