Hi. I hope someone out there can help me sort this out. I have been married for 17 years with some ups and downs but nothing I thought that would bring on an affair. We have 2 children ages 16 and 12. I found out 3 months ago that my H was having an affair for the past 6 months. The other woman's husband contacted me. My H said they grew close at work and it just happened. There was some drama with me talking to my H, her husband, and even her!! I never forced him to stay. I told him it was his choice. He said he wanted to stay married and work it out. A week later after searching his car I found a pre paid cell phone. They got this after we found out about the fair. This is after he made a committment to me that it would end. To make matters worse they have a class together and this will continue until summer. I thought we were working on things but now I find out that he constantly thinks of her and doesn't love me the way a husband should love a wife, more like a friend. He said they had such a connection and he can't move on. He wants me to give him time. I just found out about this recently. He was hiding this from me. He can't remember feelings from the past with me or even good memories. I read about the withdrawal and depression but it has been 3 months and I can't take any more!! He wants to stay in the house but I am thinking about separating. I am constantly crying and it is affecting my whole personality. I am supportive but I feel like my H has taken everything from me and can't give me any support or affection ( the two things I need most right now)and is draining me. This is a tough decision. Any thoughts or advice??

Whilever they are still in contact, he will not, cannot withdraw from her.

Whilever contact continues, the affair continues.

He is still putting his comfort ahead of you.

My advice is to expose the affair to family and friends as well as the HR department at work. They cannot work together anymore either BTW.

If he does go NC, he will withdraw from her but it may take a few months. Every breach of NC sets the clock back to day 1.

I would recommend Plan A - meeting his EN's while he is in withdrawal IF he will agree to NC.

If he will not agree to NC and wil not be open and honest with you with complete transparency, I would recommend you go to Plan B to preserve your sanity ad what love is left for him until he does agree to end his affair.

Welcome to MB BTW.

Just to clarify - OW left job but H and OW see each other monthly at a class. No option of quitting the class due to it being a certification for work and we have invested about $2000.
I feel like I have been in plan A for 3 months with no gains. I know it is probably because they see each other. I do believe the affair is over but they do see each other in class. He says they don't even say hello to each other and OW husband drops her off and picks her up. Also found out this is her second marriage and she cheated on 1st h too. My H can see her for who she is. H only believes what she says and what he felt when they were together. Is it too much to ask for H to give some affection (hugs and kisses, nothing more)and try to rebuild our relationship? How can he have no feeling after 17 years of marriage? I'm very confused!!

Your H is emotionally attached to the OW and can not withdraw from her whilever he is still in contact.

Are there any other options for the class? (Different time, different provider, defer etc?)

Hi is emotionally disconnected from you and this won't change any time soon if he still sees the OW.

Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE while contact continues.

Your expectations, while completely reasonable are totally unrealistic under these circumstances.

He is addicted to his OW. It is like being addicted to heroin. If you can't break this addiction, he won't reattach to you.

It isn't fair and it sucks but it is the reality of an affair.

I understand his job is important but is it more important than your marriage - he can get another job if that is the only way to avoid contact.

No other option for the class. H has to finish and so does OW. I guess it means I have to put up with this agony for 4 months or just move to plan B - neither of which I like.

((((heartbreak))))

Have you verified that there is no other options for this class yourself?

The reason I ask...once my FWH had recommitted himself to the M and agreed to NC, he gave his notice and told me he was not scheduled to work with OW for his last three weeks of work. He even told me he had told his manager knew about his promise of NC to me and was helping to keep them apart.

I found out it was all a lie.

The folks here told me it would be d-day all over again each and every time there was contact. I should have been more careful. I didn't have NC as a firm and clear boundary.

He only saw OW on weekends. Monday, he would be "confused" and be telling me his feelings for OW had been real...then by the end of the week, he would be agreeing it had all been a mistake, he didn't know what he saw in her, etc...only to start all over again. It was killing me.

I finally found out what was going on. Even though they were only going to be working together one more weekend, I told him he was putting our marriage at risk and if he wouldn't agree to NC right then and there that that would be it. He didn't return to work. We lost out on cashing out his sick time(a couple thousand dollars), but he was finally able to really start to de-fog after NC was in place for about a month or so. We both don't regret it for a second.

Did you know a BS can suffer from PTSD? You sound like you are really struggling. I would get my Plan B ducks lined in a row just in case. Hang in there.

There are ALWAYS other options. You may not like them, but they are available. If you allow contact to continue, this affair will continue. Bank on it. How much do you value your marriage? More than $2000 (because a divorce will cost more than that). If he needs it for work, explain the situation to his employer so they might be flexible in letting him attend the next available class. If it is an issue with losing the $2000 for the class, speak with the people offering that class, and ask them if he can attend the next available class (and they don't need to refund the $2000, just credit him for the next class). If these two things haven't been done, then you really haven't really explored if other options are available.

Trust me, you do not want contact to continue because the affair will continue.

Thanks for your help. This class has to do with a state licensing requirement and it includes clinicals on ambulances and in hospitals. There are strict requirements regarding attendance and hours documented. This is an 11 month program and the class only has 4 more meetings. Although I am not comfortable with this I have no choice.

My counselor said that WS seeing OW should not matter, that lots of people have contact and can still move on with their marriage. She felt that I have to work on forgiveness.

My concern is that my H has no feelings for me at this time. He doesn't know what he wants. He says he wants the marriage to work but that he has intense feelings for OW- something he never had with me. This scares me. Is this part of the affair and will he be able to move on? I just don't know how long I can live in a cold, uncaring household.

He won't have any feelings for you as long as he sees her in class. That is just the way it works.

If he absolutely, positively CAN'T quit the class, I suggest you stay in Plan A until the class is over. But you are taking the chance that you will completely lose your love for your husband.

By the way, your counselor is wrong. In reading tens of thousands of posts here, I haven't seen ANYONE make a full recovery while the WS was still in contact with the affair partner.

Can you go along with him to the class?

Almost sounds like a wayward herself.

Your counselor is WRONG!

This extended contact is very dangerous to your marriage. It killed mine.

I wish you good luck.

Thanks for all the help. It has been a very tense couple of weeks. I'm having a hard time with plan A. It is so hard to contain all these feelings and pretend like nothing is happening. I don't think I am doing a good job at it. The other night I asked H if he felt any better about the situation (The affair ended 3 1/2 months ago but he sees OW once a month in class until July). He said no. I told him that I was concerned that he was building a wall between us and pushing us farther apart and devoting his time to thoughts of the past with OW. I asked him if he would be willing to open up to our relationship and try to work on it. We work oppostite shifts and have nto gone out and had fun. He said he would try but no guarantees. We are basically at a stand still. He says he doesn't feel anything for me but still wants the marriage to work - just needs time to deal with it but he is not sure how it is going to deal with it and get over it. I told him that I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with this and he may need to move out. He doesn't want to. Of course not, I cook, pay the bills, take care of the house - who would?! I just feel so used. He won't even hug me or say thanks for hanging in there with me, etc. We don't go out and time at home seems stressed. Finances have been a stress even before A and he makes unneccesary small purchases when things are tight, which just adds to my frustration. Should I not be addressing this? I'm the one dealing with how everything can get paid. I'm having such a hard time with Plan A. Is this plan A or am I being a doormat? How do I deal with household issues without sounding like a nag? We are in counseling. Counseling just seems to get me more upset. Basically I'm uopset about the way he is treating me and he can't get over OW. I feel trapped! HELP!!

I would invite him to sit down and help pay the bills. If you are scrimping and saving trying to balance out everything, and he is continuing to spend, there will be problems.

Also, can you change shifts so that you don't work opposite shifts? That is a real problem for a marriage.

Believer -

Can't change shifts. I work in a school and he works in medical field. Neither of us have the flexibility to change right now. He does have some days off if he doesn't work overtime. He doesn't seem to be too interested in spending time with me - always tired. I have thought that he might be depressed but he refuses to do anything about it. Also, he seems to stay to himself when I initiate conversation, physical touch such as a hug, etc - I think he is thinking of OW and just casts me aside. It's very difficult to be in this position. I don't know how I am going to get through it. I'm exhausted and frustrated.

How was the marriage before the affair? Did the two of you spend time together doing fun things?

We had ups and downs. Finances have always been stressful - not a lot of $ to do things. We would go away about 2-3 times a year by ourselves and would have fun. I would plan things, he never did. Most other times consisted of movies or dinner. I always felt that our marriage was not as good as it could be and would raise this issue. He has trouble communicating and never said anything about his needs not being met. I always felt like I was complaining and he was satisfied with the way things were. I really thought it was just the time in our life where other things get in the way. Things weren't terrible, just not exciting either. We have cared for my parents for the past 10 years. Both are deceased now. This was very stressful. he has not been there for me emotionally.

The Harleys suggest 15 hours a week of doing fun things together. I would give that a try. You will need to plan fun things to do - hopefully things he likes that don't cost money.

He may refuse at first, in that case, just go by yourself and be sure to have fun.

The fact that he still sees the OW is not good. That may keep him in perpetual withdrawal, but I would give it a shot.