My A was 4 years ago. My H made the decision that we should not tell anybody of my A. In fact he/we covered the obvious changes in our lives by saying I was being harassed by OM. We never disclosed my part in the relationship. I have just told one of my best friends about it for the first time. She had no idea.
My friend was very loving towards me. She expressed disappointment yet unconditional love. I felt I owed her the truth. I felt I have been fraudulent, by not disclosing this information.

I feel as if apart of me is still cheating, not on my H, but on those who love me. I have this secret, that they don't know about. They are giving me their unconditional love right now - however, I feel there is a condition, my A, that might change their mind.

Is this me cheating them? I feel I need them to accept me and love me with them knowing my past.

What is my responsibility to them, do I owe them full disclosure?

I really don't know if I should handle this as a private matter, and us keep it to ourselves like my H had initially wanted, or if the truth really needs to be said.

I keep hearing the saying, the truth will set you free...........

No - I have not POJA this with my H, but I would before I started confessing.

Thanks - KY

I don't believe you are cheating on the others who love you because you have ended the A. You don't owe those who love you 100 percent truth about your past (except your H). If you feel like it would help you to come clean to them, then definitely PoJA with your H. He may not agree to you telling because it is humiliating and emasculating to a man for others to know his W cheated on him. But you can at least share your feelings with him.

Dear KY

very simply NO.

It is only owed to your H and together you need to decide if you should tell others.

If you failed to POJA with him it could cause immense feelings of betrayal all over again. If he does not want to then my thoughts are its best leaving sleeping dog lay.

It may be that a compromise may be reached to tell only those who will not tell others.

running off to bed now

AW

And this should have been his choice as he was the one betrayed!



And you have just betrayed your husbands wishes and trust again!



No this was an act of you cheating on your husband!



IMO you don't POJA this one - it was his choice not to divorce you and toss you to the curb - you honor HIS request on this one as part of your just compensation to him!

Think about HIM!

You have broken you BH's trust again. The way you can't undo your affair, you can never untell your friend. There will never be a way to verify that she will never tell someone else.

How, she made a promise? She won't be the first to break a vow.

Did you first think that her knowing will not bother or embarrass your BH? If it would then you are keeping the same type of secret the affair partners have. The BS is deliberatly left out of the loop.

Isn't this why people should talk to a priest or councilor?

Hey "U"per,

I think carrying around a little of that guilt is a consequence of the affair most WS's just have to carry. I suppose most men would feel pretty aweful if their FWW were running around telling everyone as there is always going to be that underlying current that your infidelity was his fault. Perhaps he's not good in bed or lacking in some or many departments. For many men telling anyone IS further injury.

You MAY/SHOULD approach your husband and POJA a plan for when and if it would be permissable to disclose and discuss such event with others. For Mrs. W and I that occurs intermittently when we are out typically alone with just one other couple and we sense they really don't have that intimate of a marriage. Because MB is something we both have become acutely aware of it almost always parlays into us sharing our story and giving our couple friends really good marital advice. They can get from us a first hand from the fire perspective that we certainly wish someone had given us YEARS before. MB is NOT common knowledge nor is it even common sense to MOST married couples.

I am OK with sharing it, in an appropriate non-loudspeaker type manner (lol), but I don't think I'm typical. I'd love to volunteer our time to distressed couples at our church, offering us up as an example of what can be overcome and achieved. We haven't done so yet...but I believe Mrs. W has shared with the women in her community bible study. So many people are enduring such hardships in their lives and we find most are relieved to here everything everywhere else isn't perfect. It really has opened many doors for us interrationally speaking with some of our friends. We even have employees that know.

You need to communicate with your husband about this issue and attempt to understand all of his feelings on the issue. Infidelity has been a hush-hush issue for far too long, you and HE will likely be surprised at the intimacy gained with good friends when sharing such information and putting such information to productive educational use. You two should have to opportunity to be admired for who you both really are, including your mistakes instead of the perfect couple you portray. Perfection is fake. Openness and honesty with friends builds such intimacy and God directs us to build relationships. We are meant to be social beings.

Mr. Wondering

Hi Jelly, are you aware you have two threads the same on GQ and there are answers on both?

Are you completely sure people don't know about your A? How do you know the OM kept his mouth shut once you broke it off with him? As a BS, I remember feeling humiliated that my husband had chosen to cheat on me. Apart from one close friend (my angel at the time), I didn't tell people for ages and it definitely affected the way I interacted with them. Once I unburdened myself with friends and family, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders.

But in your case it appears this was a POJA after the A and if it is going to cause a rift, it really needs to be discussed.

True enough!

Jelly,

When my first H cheated, I told his parents and nobody else... my family never knew... for 13 years I never said a word!

Years later, I did the unthinkable and had an affair and he told everyone and his brother... including the checker at the grocery store...

What I wouldn't have given to have people look me in the face without me feeling ashamed all over again, over and over. It was bad enough looking at myself in the mirror!

If I were you: I would consider this an unwarranted gift... and don't tell another living soul unless and until your H and you both agree.

Jelly can't log in and reply but has read your responses.