Guys,
Last night was terrible. These words from Resonance were almost prophetic:
'You are doing a fantastic job with it! Just be sure that you are ready for Plan B at a moment's notice, because you may find that all of a sudden, all of these things hit you like a train and you need to get to solace very quickly. Until that time...Plan A your heart out!'

I was doing fine early on. I cooked a good meal for all of us, then the triggers started happening. One my 3 year old had a hard time when ww came over, crying terribly, he says he is not happy and he can't stop crying. He says he wants his mommy to come back home.

Then ww goes through her old nite clothes as is going to take a lingerie outfit to her place. She puts it with a pile of stuff she is going to take to her place. Next she tells she went to lunch with some people from work, another trigger. I couldn't stomach the thought of her out on a lunch date with another guy. Which my gut tells me what happened. She knew when she told me this that I was upset. I told her that I can't deal with her seeking guy friends or other male relationships, I told her that would harden my heart. I probably should not have told ww that, she says 'you see that's why I know now I can’t come back home now, we have to much anger and resentment, then she says 'maybe justly so'. Too many triggers, I did not want to be around her, she made me sick to my stomach.

She leaves, saying she is tired and going to her place, I call her and she is at a friend’s house hanging out. At this point I'm so tired of the lies and disrespect. I'm weary of the pain she is causing me and the boys.

I told her 'I'm done', I don't care anymore. She says she knew if she did not go by my rules, that this would happen, then she hangs up.

Then I gather her remaining stuff from my place, and I am going to drop it all off. I'm thinking now of plan FU (FORGET YOU). I know what FU stands for, but remember guys I am a Christian minister

I load up all her stuff and the boys and I'm off. I get to her place, knock on her door, and then begin to dump all her stuff on her porch. I hear her yell through the door 'what the h*** are you doing here'. Neither ww or om open the door, I drop off stuff and leave.

She calls, I tell her 'I'm done with her lies, disloyalty, and disrespect' and that 'she knows the way home, I love her, but I'm done with her not valuing who I am'. She tells me she does value who I am and them ask me to lie to om on how I know where she lives and that I never came over. I told her I am not lying for anyone, that’s for you guys to work out.

So now after FU (a very mild fu I think) I am ready for plan b or d. Sorry to say that, but I feel I deserve way better. The plan b for me and the boys, and the rest is in God's hands. I give her to God as well as my marriage, I feel I’m done.

I wasn't expecting the triggers. It was like well placed hits where there was no armor.

Guys I thought I could plan a till end of May, but I was at my limit. Maybe I should not have acted out of emotion, but its done - and I still have my self-respect (did not lose control of my emotions with ww).

From here, I say revised plan b letter, serve her separation papers, fight for primary custody of my boys. Above all I need to pray for strength and to stick to plan b this time until plan b conditions are met. I found these gems to encourage me:
‘Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path and stay safe. Don't get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.’ –nlt Proverbs 4:25-27

This is the latest in my saga. Please I need some advice, encouraging words, even some 2 x 4 love.

Thanks

I told ww about no contact (plan b). She did not like that, but I think she does not really beleive based on last attempt at plan b. Then I e-mailed her this revised plan b letter.

Dear ww,

I’m hurt. I’m devastated because I feel you do not value who I am, nor do I feel you value a relationship with me.

I feel I have made a turning point in understanding my mistakes in our relationship. I made it my passion to offer you a better relationship with me. My changes are real and lasting. My life has your happiness written all over it.

To me, the last few weeks of our relationship were real and genuine. We shared our hearts, our thoughts, our emotions – we connected. That’s what I want – an open, safe, comfortable and enjoyable environment that makes us both happy.

I feel that is not worth much to you right now. I feel you have not made that turning point for us yet. It hurts deeply, but I have to let you go.

Until you are ready to give up your relationship with om or whoever, I will attempt to neither see nor talk with you unless it’s concerning our boys. I feel I have to protect myself from all the pain.

Please know that I'm not angry or vindictive toward you. Again, its because my heart is broken in a million pieces. I don't want it to be this way.



Sincerely,

refugemb

Guys I feel like this is my last chance to do an effective plan b. Here I go...

Any thoughts?

Because you have kids and could find yourself in a protracted custody battle it's likely a modified plan b is necessary such that her attorney can't turn your silence into a "he's hurting the children" argument.

Since you jumped into this unplanned her are a couple quick suggestions.

1. Don't answer her calls anymore, either allow the children to pick up or let it go to voice mail.

2. Attempt to train your WW to use email to communicate. Make email the fastest and most effecient way to communicate with you.

3. Forward all emails to a secret intermediary who can and will either:

a. ignore such email if it doesn't involve the kids
b. forward such email to you if it regards the kids
c. Forward to you only such portions of the email that refer to the kids and edit the rest out.

Then, you can respond to the questions and concerns about the children only and protect yourself, unknown to her and her attorney, from her abuse.

4. Emergencies only get handled by direct phone calls.

5. Text messages are used sparingly. Situations like "I'm on my way...give me 10 minutes" are ok to respond to but if she texts you anything not concerning the kids you don't respond EVER. Train her to use email, where you have somebody screening it.

6. It would be nice if your voicemail allowed your intermediary to access it and relay any message pertaining to the kids for you thus saving you the burden of even hearing her voice.

7. Regular Plan B rules apply everywhere else.

You are NOT obligated to talk to her and you must protect yourself and your love bank so, just maybe, you can recover later. You are NOT worrying about manipulating her anymore...protecting you, your lovebank and your children is now to be your main concern.

Good luck with withdrawal.

Mr. W

(((((RefugeMB))))))

I am sorry you had to deal with all that and go to Plan B so soon. But it will benefit you, I believe, because she will have to rely completely on the OM to meet all of her ENs and-- what is he, like 20 years old! Good grief...that will fold like a house of cards!

You just need to see a lawyer (which I think you did already...)and be sure that all your ducks are in a row to get custody and the marital home. Chances are, you will be able to save your M, and I think if you do a good, dark Plan B now your chances of recovery are great. Like Mr. W said, just protect you and your children, and let the rest fall into place.

We are here for you! Don't know if you saw this get bumped today, but here is something I wrote a while back. Hope it helps! Hang in there...we are all cheering for you!

God Bless!!

Inside the Wayward Mind

Mr. Wondering,
Thanks for the reply. I'll work on getting those things set up. My attorney says that papers for a separation agreement should be in next week. I hope ww signs it, there is no way she can afford an attorney.

Another thing I did, I probably should of done it a while back, was I cut off service to her cell phone. It was under my name. I told her (calmly) the night of plan fu, and then I did that the next morning.

I guess you are right, maybe I was playing a manipulation game. I did not see that way. I think that’s the impression ww may get as well. I feel like I'm failing in all of this.

Resonance,
I spoke to SIL about this, she's really upset at her ww sister. SIL says that om and ww are having major issues. She also said she does not understand why ww does not do the right thing and come back home.

Now I love my sil like my own sister. But she has a steady boyfriend and is habitually cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend. Her current boyfriend knows, but he can't break away from sil.

While I'm on this, ww and sil mom had an A with a neighbor. Not sure details of how long. One day MIL asked for a marriage counseling session with pastor and that’s when she told fil. They stuck it out in the m, but fil was/is still bitter. A few years after a mil died of Leukemia. She felt that it was her punishment for the a.

fil is sharp with his words. When he found out about ww, he told ww, I guess you are more like your mother than I thought.

On my side of the family, my mom had an a. My sister and I found her in a store parking lot with om. That’s when I just turned 15. We told my dad, mom moved out and they d soon afterwards. My mom still is adamant it was all my dads fault. Also both my grandfathers were serial cheaters.

I'm just rambling now. I'm hurt. I hate a's. I'm also disappointed in myself for not doing a better job with the mb tools I've been given.

On another note, I did read your thread on Inside the Wayward Mind - its very insightful! You're awesome Resonance.

MB Family,
Here is another thing I've been struggling with. I can't cry. For the last 2 months I can't seems to cry over this sitch. I'm an emotional guy. When I am happy, hurt or angry I tear up. But I can't right now.

I'm feeling so much emotions from the sitch. I think I'd feel better if I 'get it out' with a cry - but it does not happen.

When I pray I open my emotions to God and I cry to Him. I can't do that right now either.

Has this happened to any of you? How did you get the tears to flow again?

It's not called an emotional roller coaster for nothing.

May I suggest that instead of expecting to have a specific emotion, simply understand that you will go through a myriad of emotions. Sometimes you will feel nothing at all, sometimes you will feel intense pain, intense anger, intense sorry, extreme joy, etc. Someday's you will cry at the drop of a hat, and others you will appear like Mr Spock.

I recall one particular night, driving home from a late night service call at something like 3AM, just bawling after hearing a story of how a mother was abusing her child and how Chip Ingram told his story of how he stepped in to confront the mother. I had to pull over I was so overwealmed with sorrow that a child would be treated this way by a mother.

There were other times when I could feel nothing at all.

My guess (since I'm a software and electrical engineer) is that we shut off, shut out the emotions as a defense mechanism when they become too much for our bodies to handle.

So there may be times where we can't sustain that emotional energy, and it's turned off, put on the back burner, or whatever, so that we can simply survive.

I don't think you can or should just turn the tears back on. Instead, I suggest you use theh time to concentrate on those things that are not driven by emotion that you could be doing right now.

Or just rest.

You probably need the rest, if I remember how it was when my former wife put me through this.

Enlighted_Ex,

Thanks for replying. Your insight is most helpful. It seems like we are at the mercy of the roller costar. I feel the roller coaster is in a dark, underground cave so we can't anticipate the next turn or dip on our 'emotional ride'. The only constant I have is knowing that God is with me through it all.


Thanks again…

OK. Here is the latest:

According to Ww, ww and om 'broke up'. She came over to the house to tell me that they were finished. She kicked him out of her place because he cleaned out her own checking account, spent her last paycheck and other loser type behavior.

After a week of a new plan b I was not expecting this. I think this happened Monday, she told me this yesterday (Tues.). She is experiencing major withdrawals. She said almost the exact same thing the ww said/wrote in 'Surviving an Affair' after her break up. That book is like reading the script of my sitch.

She does not seem to want to work on our m, but she wants to move back home. I told her we needed to talk about that, but she says she has a right to be home, no separation or d papers have been signed - they were supposed to be in by now - I'm between a rock and a hard place on that one.

All she is feeling and focusing on is her withdrawal.

I was not sure I did the right thing, but this is what I did. I explained to her that I understand what she is feeling is real. I said that if she wanted help with her feelings and to understand more of her sitch(a then withdrawals), then she may consider reading 'Surviving an Affair'. She says she is going to read it tonight.

Ya’ll I’d like some advice on what you guys think. Should I help her through this withdrawal period even though she has not repentant or wants to work on m.

Or do I refuse to get involved in her mess and let her figure things out.

Please advise!

Thanks

Refuge - ask her point blank, do you want to be married to me and really try to build a new marriage?

Answer: No. Proceed with the divorce. Repentance is a requirement for forgiveness and as a basis for reconciliation.

Answer: Maybe. Call me when you make a decision. Until then, no decision IS a decision against the marriage.

Answer: Yes. Then ask her if the affair is really over.

If it is then make JOINT Biblically based counseling a requirement as you will both need an independent guide to help you through the process AND to hold you both accountable. That avoids the "you are manipulating me" excuse that can come up and it focuses on having a bibilically based marriage regardless of "feelings."

Do what you can to help, then, to help her through Withdrawal, just know that she won't "hear" your help or your attempts to meet her needs until after Withdrawal helps. It sucks, if you'll pardon the term, but it's a fact when dealing with withdrawal from any addictive substance. There is an alteration in brain chemistry during that time, and it will take time to stablize.

Once the commitment to recovery is made, then a NO Contact letter is in order.

God bless.

It’s been a while since I posted. I was having a real tough time lately, so I came to MB forums today. Here's the latest.

My wife and I are together and in recovery. She came back home on 5/5/2008. He basically broke up with her, and then she wanted to come home. I set the framework for our recovery of no contact with OM, contact letter, and marital counseling.

She agreed but was still foggy - remorseful but unrepentant. She went through terrible withdrawals. Unless you've seen or witnessed it, you don't get how awful that stage can be.

The summer was very hard. She broke no contact a few times, came home with bad habits (drinking, cursing, and unwholesome music), and wasn't really caring the load of our relationship.

I was not perfect by any means, But I was willing to fight on for her and our marriage. I tried to stay focused on MB principles for recovery. In my opinion, recovery is much harder than being separated, or going through plan a or plan b.

We Started counseling with our Pastor and that helped us deal with some issues. He was a major help. Then he directed us to another counselor for me help.

In October my wife went out to a bar one Friday night and had another affair. She says they did not have intercourse, but they made out. She says she was drunk. I was not angry, I just had enough. I was done. I explained to my Pastor I was through, and I was moving out. He understood. She did not want me to leave, asked me to forgive her, and for us to work on our marriage. I didn't feel I could trust her again.

Before I moved out, I began to pray about the situation. Let me tell you, I felt the Lord impress on my heart not to leave my wife. I was upset because that is not what I wanted hear - I wanted to escape the pain of being a BH.

We went to a Christian counselor and he helped me realize that I needed to surrender to what I felt was God's plan. This counselor was a blessing in helping our marriage recovery.

Lately, my wife had shown more signs of caring for me. She is very transparent about her daily schedule and we enjoy each other's company.

I'm still the pastor of our church and its continually growing. Most of church stayed with me when we separated. I did lose some members when my wife came back home, but overall, the church was overjoyed that we were back together. She is back at the church singing, and is slowly becoming more involved.

Here is my struggle today. I have little or no SF from wife. She does not feel very comfortable doing that. We both have a high need for SF.

It really bothers me that we don't. I feel like I've been eclipsed by the other man in this department. This really bothers me. It brings back all the hurt I experienced as a BW, and the triggers are strong. Its not just the physical pleasure, it about being loved again.

Has anyone gone through this 'phase' of recovery, from a BH or WW perspective? How can SF be restored?

Please, I welcome all questions, comments, and suggestions.

Thank you!

Refugemb

Ps. Sorry this maybe a little choppy and scattered, I didn’t know where to begin