Here is my original post from about 3 months ago...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2017989&fpart=1

It's kind of long so god bless you if you read through it.

Anyway, In the last several weeks I have been following all of the great advice here and have learned a lot about myself and learned to be independent again. I have been working out regularly, losing weight, eating better, focusing on my career and playing the heck out of my guitars. I did however spend a few weeks trying to convince my soon to be ex that I didn't care. Which I know was stupid but I can't change that. For the last month I have really been doing great all things considered.

I have been having chats with my ex on the phone every few days and it has actually been nice, we do bicker a bit but it usually ends with us just talking about music and other stuff like we used to. Well, today she dropped a bomb on me. During that period where I was saying she was evil and I didn't care what she did, overall just being a jerk and making things worse, she met with the guy that I spoke of in my original post. It was supposed to be just to hang out. Long story short, they ended up having sex. Afterwards they only spoke for a day and she says she hates him now and he took advantage of her etc. In no way at all do I approve of this less than a month after I moved out. But i did tell her we were divorced in my eyes and I didn't care what she did.

I'm not sure why but I have taken it pretty well, no extreme emotions one way or the other. She says she only told me because if there was to be any hope of us working it out she had to be honest about it. She also said that in the last few weeks where we have been talking she has began to see in me the person she fell in love with. She sounds like she understands what she has done and if she had seen the change in me she never would have even met with the guy.

In no way am I saying that it doesn't hurt or that I have forgiven her. I have no delusions of us not getting divorced and I certainly would not just move back in together for quite some time but I am considering giving it time. She has been such an important part of my life and I was completely ready to get the divorce and move on but now that everything is in perspective I am having second thoughts. And it makes no sense to me at all because this should be the deal breaker. I believe her now that she has opened up to me. She even said that if she hadn't slept with him she would not even want the divorce anymore but she was pushing so hard for it for the last month because she knew I could never forgive her.

Am I just stupid for even considering this? I think that I am in a pretty good mental state and I was thinking very clearly for the last month but now I feel like I am starting from scratch again. I know the decision is ultimately mine to make but any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

What are you considering? Forgiving her? Stopping the divorce?

Those things aren't stupid at all. Forgiveness is always a blessing. Like mercy, it is twice blessed, it blesses him who recieves it and him who gives it.

Saving a meaningful relationship, be it parent-child, friendship, sibling, or marriage, is also a smart consideration.

I know a lot of people won't agree with me, but if the papers to divorce have been filed and you two weren't living together, her actions don't rise to the same level as if you two were living together and still planning on being together.

HOWEVER, there's no way I'd take her back into the home immediately. I'd date her, and insist that she attend marriage counseling with you.

Think about how sad that comment is. She has such a dead-set, sure sense of your impending censure of her, that she would walk away from the marriage rather than face the turmoil. That should give you a good place to start working on things.

Well, to be honest, recently my opinion on marriage has changed all together. I don't think it is much more than a piece of paper at this point. What is important is the bond and commitment between 2 people. I think I am going to proceed with the divorce. I like being on my own and having peace with myself and I no longer feel like I owe her anything.

The papers still have not been filed. She tried to file them online on some shady website a few days after I moved out but I told her I didn't trust it and I was going to get a lawyer. I finally saved up enough money to pay for it and was planning on making my appointment today. You are right, when it happened I think we both thought there was no hope of ever getting back together. If we had been communicating the way we have been over the last month and this happened I wouldn't even consider friendship, much less any type of future together. There is not a chance in hell I am moving back in with her for a very long time. What I am considering is maybe just dating her and seeing where that leads. I think the divorce is pretty much imminent as I no longer want to be married to her now that this has happened. I do however see a glimmer of the person I fell in love with still living inside of her. In time if she proved to me that she would change I might be willing to give her another chance.

That's the thing that gets to me. I had told her earlier this week that I did still want the divorce not because I thought there was no hope but because she thinks that way. All she sees is clouds and rain in the future with or without me. I think that may be what prompted her to come clean the way she did. In some ways, that makes me feel better but in other ways it makes me think even less of her.

I still don't feel any extreme emotions one way or the other about any of this, I'm just not sure what I want to do anymore and I think this may be the biggest decision I have ever made. Thanks for the replies, every bit helps.