hello everyone....

Mimi, Mark, and all vets alike....this in N2F...

Ok,,,here's the quick and short low down. yes, Plan B has not happened (2x4 me...knock me senseless,...kill me...I NEED it...).

WS and I have been in contact. Actually, my changes are unraveling quickly. I don't know what to do. yes, WS found out about MB, found my thread, and has repeatedly told me that if I do a Plan B he will be done. He has also said that if I continue on here, he will be done. Sorta like him or here. For me, I am not liking where this is going or anything about it. What I need to know now is do I stay with this name and thread, or do I say screw it and go back to my original thread???

Don't lecture me on emotional blackmail. I already know that is what he is doing. Our MC even told me. She also said I should continue on here. She likes what it has done for me through all of this. She may not agree with everything, but see's no harm in it all. I can pretty much "weed" through the all the posts. Not that I got many bad ones. And mostly I need your encouragement and support. My changes have come along, but I am no where close to where I want to be.

WS is still on the "fence" so to speak about whether or not he wants to recover. Oh, he's very attached to us still, but has let me know that my "Plan A" has not been the best. I am still smoking, house is coming undone (especially with all the turmoil these last few weeks have been...), and those are his biggest complaints. For me, this has been nothing short of torture because I am STRUGGLING to keep my love for him while dealing with the reality of his A. Remember, I found all the emails. I know WAY TOO MUCH info about what went on. It also doesn't help that now I know what went on with them and what was going on with us....(for example...NYE...way at the beginning of my first thread...not a good time for me and NOW I know that BOW was here in town....). Also, this was my place to vent and get things out. I have needed it much. I feel like I can't do that (as WS would see this as a LB) since he is reading my posts.

This is very hard. I can see R on the horizone, but I do not want to break my own boundaries. It is a very thin line I feel like I am walking on.

Anyway,,,,I need you all back....help me to get my focus back. I have been re-reading my thread and I miss who I was transforming into......

OTWT

Ps...If any of you all are reading this and want to get word out that I am here, please be careful where you all put my name in others threads.. At least until we figure out what needs to be done....

I couldn't find Lala's email, so I couldn't email her to get yours... tried to PM you with mine and it said I had exceeded my limit which is bologna... because I've never used that... oh well. Been worried about you!! Get the house back in order. I thought you were going to talk to your DR. about chantex (?) to help with the smoking. I say get back on the plan A asap!! Work hard on the LBs and don't worry that you can't do Plan B... no one here can tell you he's definately still involved in the A... hopefully ow's H is taking care of her on their end.

How does he know about this place and check in on you? Do you know how to clean out the history so he can't see what you've visited?

Good to see you still posting. I really thought hubby was back in the home.

So at least he is still out.

I think you should go ahead with your Plan B. He needs to see what it would be like to lose you, and you need to save your love for him.

He is the cheater and should not be the one to decide reconciliation terms.

Have you talked to Jennifer?

Also, get busy on that house!!!!! You are not posting, so should have loads of time to clean. Get the kids to pitch in. It would be doing them a favor too.

And STOP SMOKING. See if you can get some of the new meds.

I stopped cold turkey about 5 years ago, and put the cig money aside to buy cows in Mexico. I also paid for a family's first home with saved money. It felt great.

(((((((((SRN)))))))))))

You gave us a good scare. I know I'm your laugh buddy, but IMO this one is simple. So long as you do not stand up for yourself you will be in this mess. So my vote is for you not only to continue under your original name and thread, but also not to edit anything. Let him see the truth of what you went through. He's trying to make himself the victim with this stunt. You’ve got him completely backed into a corner he's lashing out now.

He knows what buttons to push to get you to pull back and you consistently do. Remember when you and I first got on this, what was our biggest issue... EXPECTATIONS and this is what messed you up. The expectation of R if to succumb to his demands. Boundaries, does he even know or care what they are? It doesn't look like he respect you let alone your boundaries.

And about venting being a LB. If he comes on here and reads your anonymous posts, who cares what he thinks, this thread is not about him it's about you, your feelings and fears, and your friends that are here to help you get through it.

See what the more experienced have to say, I'm commenting as a friend so I'm not exactly objective.

Take care OK. Prayers to you and the kids.

You aren't discussing legal strategies for taking him to the cleaners in divorce court, though you have a right to exactly that.

You aren't telling the world that you think he is slime and what an awful person he is. Rather you are and have all along been telling us how much you love him and miss him.

You haven't been getting advice to buy a gun and cap his sorry butt. You've been getting advice to make yourself more attractive to him by meeting his ENs and learning to identify what you need to do in order to stop making withdrawals from his love bank.

You haven't expressed or even hinted at anything that you need to be ashamed of since it was his actions that were shameful.

I don't ever get this part. When a WS comes her and starts reading, why does everyone panic and want to stop posting or hide their identity?

He is trying to set recovery boundaries and terms. Unless the terms are your terms, you will never fully recover. There will always be a nagging feeling in the back of your mind. If you accept him back under his terms, you will never be able to renegotiate in order to get what you need to fully heal.

JMO.

Whether he still has the B*tch from Florida or not, he is still wayward. There might be someone else or there might have been others you were not aware of. This is not your moral failure but his. Don't let it become about you and your failures. In order to get the marriage you want, and deserve, you need to be willing to lose it. Until he knows he might really lose you and as long as he knows he can manipulate you he will still puff out his chest and demand his way. Plan B his a$$.

Yep, it will pi$$ him off. Yep, he will whine and complain. Yep, he might even threaten or even file for divorce. Do you want the excuse for a marriage you have right now or a real one? Is what you have enough better than nothing that you can live with it for the rest of your days?

You really have four options here...

Continue like you have been and pray that he wakes up.

Try to have a break through negotiation in which you let him know that the only possible way to come home is to end all affairs, confess them all, attend MC, agree to extraordinary precautions such as allowing you access to every corner of his life including work emails etc. In other words he has to get with the program.

You can Plan B him into submission or divorce, but either way you will be learning to live without him and his manipulative crapola.

Or you can just file for divorce and let him go his own way while you try to heal and eventually find someone that can be a real husband.

And I hope to God he finds this thread and reads what I just said.

Mark

Edited to add: If you want to try Plan Aing him home, I'll support you. You might even get him home. I just fear for you a couple years down the road when you have him back but are still wondering what might have been if he had really given you what you need to be happy in the long run.

I think that going back to your original thread and continuing to post will do two things:

(1)It will send him a strong message that you are a grown woman who has the right to talk to whomever she pleases and who is he to tell you otherwise, especially considering his history? In other words, how dare he?

(2) It will be an action that will force you to stand up for yourself. He will likely get in your face about it and try to tear down your defenses until you beg HIM to forgive YOU. Don't let him! Let posting here (old thread) be your lesson in how to finally stand up for yourself and give him h&ll for all his crap. He doesn't deserve you, not at this stage, and you really really need to start acting like it. You've made good strides, but walking away from your thread will hurt you mentally; subconsciously you will see it as a failure, and it will color everything else you do.

But that's all easier said than done, God knows I have no right to tell you to be brave. But I truly think you will benefit from thumbing your nose at him by keeping the old thread. What's he gonna do, have you arrested?

Outside that issue, please please stay in Plan B, separate from him, until he recants and makes real changes. Every time an abuse victim tries to break free and then caves in and goes back to the abuser, the abuser gets a little more demanding, a little more mean, a little more abusive. And the victim loses more and more of herself until she just gives up. Please don't let that happen.

Did I recommend reading "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men?" I really think you would benefit from reading it.

HEY Baby Girl!

I'm glad to see many have found you...now we just have to get Mimi over here!

Look, you know what I think. You should be posting everything except strategy on YOUR thread as YOU. You are being bullied and manipulated...not to mention he is controlling you by trying to isolate you from your support system. But you already know this! The other reason is that- if you keep posting general stuff over there, he won't think to look for you elsewhere...

And I hope you deleted any traces to you here by now, or all he has to do is a search on your name/posts and he will find you immediately.

OK, 'nuff about that! I won't bore you with all the things I've said to you in email...but for all of you here, I have been gently persuading (hehehe ) her to get back on this site and start getting the support she needs. It is my opinion, based on what I have heard from her, that she should just file first and go dark Plan B AS HER COUNSELOR HAS URGED to really throw him for a loop. He has threadtened it (D) with every move she has tried to make, and I think that only something that drastic would clue him in that she is done with the disrespect and the verbal/mental abuse.

Anyhoo...glad to see you are back and that many of the people who were helping you have found you! You know we are all rooting for you, and want your M to succeed, but you really need to change strategies immediately, because the current one AIN'T WORKIN'!

Luv Ya!!!

((((Everyone))))

Thanks for the replies....I don't have a lot of time to post today....Iwill be back soon. Pray for DD14 as things have taken a turn on that front, and she REALLY needs them....

I hear ya all...its sinking in....keep it coming....

Mark...you post means so much...Jeez i NOW know what it takes to make you upset...lol. I agree with you all,....and yes, I don't want to look back with any regrets. But that also goes both ways, ya know. I don't want to do this, him file, us D, and me wonder if things could have been different. Though I think my OWN personal growth would deflect those thoughts.

TMTS...hey hon....EXPECTATIONS you say??/ yep, totally know what you are saying. I was thinking on this yesterday....I have lots of things on my mind. It was much easier to do all this when we only had one mission. Remember, I was "blind" to the A that was going on RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE..so now I have also been dealing with the truth and THAT reality....

Lala....thanks girl...you know what for .....

MIMI....where the he)) are you???????? I need you....

I'll post more later everyone....have a great weekend...

ps...((((Serenity)))
I have still been following your thread, and have had so much I have wanted to say. I think of you often....love ya

I think your posting over HERE is an indication of your PERSONAL POWER; evidence of your ability to take good care of yourself.

My VOTE is for you to continue to post HERE, under this name.

You have most of your PEOPs over here.

You can feel open HERE to get the support you need....

BUT most definitely GO INTO PLAN B....

That's BULL about it being over if you do PLAN B...

I think PLAN B is your BEST CHANCE for RECOVERY...

YOU are becoming UNGLUED. YOU need to build your strength, to LITERALLY get your house in order...

And if it's OVER, make it clear to him that you see that is a CHOICE that HE is making...for it to be OVER because he was unwilling to make REPARATIONS for his INFIDELITY...

otwt, tell us about DD14. Can we help?

Good morning everyone,

I am back for good now. No more hiding....thank you for the replies....

MIMI.....I am so glad you found me.....

anyway, we are going back to my original thread and my original name. Which I am glad, because I am rather fond of both.....

so come on over....

not2fun