Just a quick question. I want to know if I'm overreacting in this situation.

My mother in law babysits my only baby everyday while my husband and I are at work. My husband drops my baby off since he works 5 min. away and is suppose to pick her up. She is our first and is only a few months. I am so eager to see her everyday and expect him to pick her up and come home. I find myself everyday going over there just so I can pick her up myself while he there playing on the computer, eating or what have you.

A couple days a week I go to the gym. One day we have church. On these days after I leave the gym he's still at his mothers. We need a headstart on church day but when I get off he still there. He only initiates leaving when I get there and if I dont stop due to listed above I go home and he's still there.

Should this bother me???? Am I overreacting. I believe he should be home because there certainly are many things to be done at our home. We have a computer and have had for years. His mother just got one a few months ago.

Yes, you need to set some boundaries and explain to him that now that you're married, you should be his first priority, not his mother. I'm sure he likes being there because she gives him unconditional love, he doesn't have to 'do' anything, and he doesn't have to worry whether he's doing the right thing or getting things done. How do you approach the honey-do's? Are you respectful of him? Do you give him choices? Do you come to joint agreement on what needs done, or do you just tell him what needs done? He may be feeling 'well, mom doesn't push me to do stuff, she just lets me hang out, and loves me anyway.'

Also, having a child changes everything! You need to have some heart to heart time with him about what your new relationship is, now that the baby is around. I would include in that discussion, what the fair sharing of household chores would be. If you both work, he had better be sharing the chores! Don't make it a disrespectful judgment against him, but an honest exploration of what your new life together with a baby will be.

Finally, welcome to MB, and you will find tons of awesome information here about how to keep a marriage fresh, fair, and fun. Make sure you read all the popular links and initiate their ideas into your marriage.

For me the answer to "should this bother me" depends on why it bothers you. So ... why does it bother you?

Is it because you have to drive 30 minutes out of your way to see your baby after work and you are tired? Or are you jealous of the time your MIL has with your baby or your husband? Or something else?

Your life will be a lot easier if you can maintain good MIL relations ... especially since you are depending on her for childcare (which I'm guessing she provides for free). So do try and be diplomatic when you talk to your husband about this. Have you read the policy of joint agreement?

I don't think the computer is the issue here by the way. Although if your MIL's computer is only a couple months old, it might be faster than the old one you have at home, so maybe that's why your hubby likes using the computer there!

I haven't been on here in a while.

It bothers me because it seems he's too attached to his family. There are a lot of events they have already and it's exhausting. They are controling in ways which has caused some issues in our marriage. I feel he going over there after work and staying for hours and there are many things at home that need to be done. I feel like he's a free agent because he is not handling things at home with our household. I run the household basically. I get stressed some with things at home that need to be done and feel he's just over there playing around doing nothing when he can be at home taking care of some things. (example: paying bills)

No, it's actually on my way home(his parents house). Although have an hour drive to and from work. I love the fact she can be with her grandparents and uncles. They love her so much. I don't want some of their controling ways to effect her though. I don't want her at a daycare with strangers this is why I chose her. I pay her money but she doesn't require I do but is thankful.

It has nothing to do with my relationship with her I'm talking about my husband. Him being over there isn't keeping a good relationship with her.

I don't think the computer is and issue either. It's just another excuse for him to be there. Before the computer he was still there. Our computer isn't old and ours is faster than theirs.

I hope I answered yours questions. Thanks for responding.

How do I find policy of joint agreement?

Hi nickgib!

If you click on "Basic Concepts" it is on the menu on the left side. It's also under "Most Popular Links" but it's probably a good idea to check out all the Basic Concepts since they work together.

My suggestion would be to approach this issue with your husband a little differently. Don't make it be about his attachment to his family. It sounds to me like your real issue is not getting enough help at home. Using the Policy of Joint Agreement might help you two negotiate ways for your husband to help more at home. It is your home together after all, not nickgib's home and it'll feel more that way if he is contributing equally. Have you two talked about the expectations each of you have about sharing household responsibilities before?

Thank you I went in and read some. I'm currently reading the rest. Thanks.

Thank you for helping me to realize the issue is with my husband helping at home. That was so totally true. It made me even view them differently. I have to keep remembering that. Even if things happen that he doesn't correct them because he believes they do no wrong.

There is an issue to where they are disappointed we don't attend their church anymore. My husband told me this weekend that his believes his father thinks he no longer attends their church to keep the peace in his home.

Back to my husband. I told him I needed help around the house. Neither of us are perfect with everything but I did some house work and when I left he cleaned toilets, vacuumed and he also paid some bills the night before. Thanks for everyone's advice. This has happened before where he does and doesn't but it really made me feel like we were in this together. I thanked him.

We actually need to establish a system or day we do which chores and pay the bills. We have for the bills but he never stuck to it so I just ended up doing them again. I'll speak to him tonight about the doing chores on certain dates. I kinda just do them as they come. Having a system might work.

One way I like is to set up a 30 minutes a day routine. If you both get home at the same time, you can either set it up for when you get home, or set it for 30 minutes after you get home to give you time to unwind...whatever works for you.

Anyway, we just tackle whatever needs done that day, starting with picking up, dishes, laundry, etc. If there's time after that, we get into real cleaning. Using a timer may help, but that might bug your husband; ask him. Someone else suggested cutting it up into 10-minute segments with the timer, moving from one room to another every 10 minutes.

Once the 30 minutes are up, you can relax and enjoy each other's time without guilt about what's not done.

Thanks for the suggestion. It sounds like a good idea. Also it sounds like fun trying to see what we can tackle in that timeframe. I bring up to him to see how he likes it.

Good luck nickgib!

I have been struggling with getting my husband to help more at home too and we don't even have a baby yet! Using the Policy of Joint Agreement has helped a lot. We've been able finally to talk about ways he can help more without it turning into a fight. In fact, my husband actually did the dishes tonight without me asking ... OMG, I thought I was going to faint ... LOL!