I am recently divorced.. less than one month.. the W's decision unfortunately..anyway to get 2 the point I still love her and would like to get back together in the future.. we have 2 kids but of course @ the moment she is only concerned with her new life ad new friends.. she has not started dating but has got a friend who is interested but she has told him she is not ready for a relationship now.... but they meet as friens frequently.. what I want is some advice from you here at MB.. what is my best strategy to play at the moment.. she has asked me over for a meal on Sat night and then we will go on a family picnic on Sun... I realise she will not change overnight and that perhaps she will never want me back but if you were me how would you play your cards now... thx 4 the advice

Welcome. It's great that you're open to learning, makes you more attractive. Anyway, that's the key - to be more attractive. I don't mean in looks necessarily, although you should definitely make sure you look wonderful every time you see her - buy some better clothes, get a good haircut, get a manicure - those things do matter to women.

Outside of that, though, you can become more attractive by learning and changing and being open to ideas; at the picnic, ask her honestly what you did wrong. Tell her that you're ready to 'fix' yourself - not for her, but for you. You need to know what you did that caused the divorce. For now, even if you think she was at fault, don't say so. Just listen. Let her get it all off her chest. Then take that knowledge (those things you 'did' are called Love Busters), and stop doing them! Make a conscious effort to catch yourself doing them and stop it.

Also ask her what she would have wanted you to do, in a perfect world. Those things she wanted from you are called Emotional Needs here at MB. Let her spill her guts to you, and learn what it was she really wanted. Then find ways to become that one person who knows what she wants and knows how to fill those ENs. If she says 'I needed a husband who kept the house in shape, and you never did,' then every time you visit the kids, look for one thing you can fix - and say you're doing it for her and the kids because you'll never stop loving them all. Let her see you in action, doing those things she said she wanted. But don't be obvious that you're wanting a response from her. It has to be that you're doing it because you're growing as a person, not just to win her back; that you would be doing this for anyone you cared about.

Finally, at least for starters, take a big interest in the kids. Don't just be a weekend dad. Find every way you can to be involved in their lives. Attend every dance recital, every baseball game, every event you're allowed to attend. Shows her you're good dad/husband material, and it will make a world of a difference to your kids, having to deal with divorce.

thx 4 reply Catperson... dont want to ask her those things @ the moment cos we have had serious heart 2 hearts b4 and she keeps stressing it wasnt my fault it was hers...she needed to find herself and could not make me happy.... re the weekend dad.. I will never be that as I take the kids 2 school every day.. they are @ the same school that I am so I will have good time with them on the way to school..agree about loking good.. 2 be honest haven't looked as good for a few years!!!!!! By the way the main problem was her EA a couple of years ago and as a result there were many LB's from me..never could let her forget that.. my own fault there I'm afraid...anyway I'm keeping my fingers crossed but must be the guy she wants.. agreed 100%.. once again thx and any more advice greatly appreciated..

When wives respond like this it "wasn't my fault it was hers...she needed to find herself and could not make me happy" it is fog speak for: move out give me space to have an affair.

"she has not started dating but has got a friend who is interested but she has told him she is not ready for a relationship now.... but they meet as friends frequently"

"but they meet as friends frequently" is code for we are dating. You know what his goal for seeing WW is for.

Why would she be honest and tell you she is doing this guy? Why get you mad an have you no longer willing to recover your marriage? WW does not want to lose her safety net. She wants you to be her back up man.

Go out but to not do any relationship talk, WW's are not receptive. Best to show WW that you are changing to make yourself better for yourself. Do so by actions not talk. Show WW a good time so she is left with new memories that life with you can be good.

It also can be a sign that the grass is not greener with this OM, and wants to test the waters to see if you are receptive to her desire to recover. Or throw you enough crumbs to string you along some more.