It’s been a few weeks since d-day, which was 3-15-08, and my last PA encounter was 3-13-08. We have decided to work on our marriage and Mr Z and I are both working our plan, we have the HNHN course and I ordered SAA and that should be arriving soon. We’ve worked through the first two assignments including filling out and signing each other’s EN questionnaire. I’ve been practicing being transparent, and I answer his questions honestly and completely.

We’re connecting now in ways I never thought possible. I realize that we were so disconnected well before the A started. I think about the 3 states of mind in marriage, intimacy, conflict, and withdrawal, and now recognize we were both in the withdrawal state for far too long.

It’s been really great and yet painful these last few weeks. He is, of course, getting triggers all over the place, and I try to help him through those times, but sometimes it’s so tough to listen to it I just start to cry when he tells me what started the trigger, and what movie he’s playing in his head.

Is it possible for the WS to have triggers too? I’m feeling depressed a lot and it’s hard to want to do the assignments. After all of the hurt I’ve caused, the last thing I should be doing is feeling sorry for myself. How do you get through the depression so that you can enthusiastically work through the course? Does it just pass? Or should I address it and try to figure out the source of the pain, and give it some attention?

I figured out that a lot of the sadness comes from this enormous sense of failure I feel as a woman, a wife, and a mother. There is also tremendous guilt for causing so much pain. And then there is this guilt I feel for still missing the OM. I recognize how toxic he was, but I still miss our conversations. I don’t miss the PA at all. Mr Z is working really hard and doing a great job at meeting this EN of mine, as you can guess, conversation is #1 on my list.

I have vowed NC, but I just feel sad about not being able to talk to the OM ever again. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Mr Z is being so wonderful, he deserves my best. He is such an intelligent, brilliant man. Just writing this makes me feel better.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

-MrsZ

Sounds like you're going through withdrawl.

All I can do is offer the perspective of a BH who never had a repentant WW.

Be patient. Understand that the triggers will be there for a while and weather the storm when it comes.

If a trigger hits, reassure him and tell him you love him and apologize for his pain.

I don't think a BS can be apologized to enough.

Reassurance and patience and love is what a BH needs.

Just keep telling him you're sorry to have caused this pain for him when he gets those triggers.

I'm only offering the perspective from someone who wanted to hear those things and never did.

Best of luck to you.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you're doing about as well as you could be after such a short period of time. You're going to be up and down, so just try not to worry about it. It sounds like you've got the right attitude. Others may disagree, but I would shy away from sharing your sadness at not being able to talk to OM. I'm sure your husband senses it. In my case I was willing to try to understand and let my wife mourn. But I would have resented having it thrown directly in my face. But that's just my opinion. I just wanted to say you seem like you're going in the right direction. It really does get easier faster than you'll believe. And then after a long period, things get to be "okay". And believe it or not, after a period of years, things can be better than you ever imagined.