I continue to stand in amazement at you, SL. You're doing great. The two of you will be fine. PWC, not so much. DS is lucky to have you as his mom.

Maybe someday PWC will pull his head out of his [censored]. That's what we all hope for, right?

For sure.

Guy,

it really has been my hope, that PWC would perform his own asscectomy. I fear even hoping that this will happen', for it would spell more disappointment if it didn't. I think I'll just live my life, and hope for the best for everybody, spending my time trying to make a happy life happend for myself.

Right now, I'm sad. Luna said something on her thread and it hit me square between the eyes. I'm paraphrasing, but she said some damage is to be expected when there is destruction of a M and family.

Destruction.

I never saw it coming. I really didn't. All those little choices that PWC made; he had all our fates, the course of our lives, wrapped up in those choices. We (me and DS) were taken along, sometimes dragged, kicking and screaming for the torture to stop. I can't speak for DS, but for me, there is no more kicking; I will be dragged one final time, to the court house.

In a perfect world, divorce is still not what I want, but this world is far from perfect. What I've come to find is that I LIKE this world; it's real, it's messy, it's tough, it's painfully beautiful, and that's okay.

((((((SL)))))))))

You seem to be holding up well. I hope that you continue to do so! If it is any consolation to you, my DD5 was really close to her Dad, and she seems to have adjusted ok to us living separate lives. She has told me once that she did not 'like her old mommy who used to be mad at daddy all of the time'. I was like WOW. That was pretty observant of her, and she was only 3!

So kids DO know a lot more than we give them credit for. And they are adaptable. Your DS will be ok, YOU will be ok. You are a strong lady!

This is exactly right. Only PWC can pull himself out of this. He still hasn't hit bottom. Or maybe he's so broken that he hit a bottom and is forging a way out that doesn't lead back to you (I think he's still digging himself in, personally). He may never find his way back to you, but we hope that his broken-ness doesn't take him farther away from DS.

And living your life, hoping for the best, trying to make your own happiness (only you can do this) is what you have to do. It may not be the life you envisioned, but it is a life full of possibilities.

(((SL)))

hee hee SL said assectomy.....

I LOVE the way you have put this...

I TOTALLY AGREE..I'm THANKFUL to be rid of the FAIRY TALE conception of it ALL that I used to have...

This world keeps me on my toes, for sure. I prefer seeing things as they really are, and appreciating them just as they are.

ASSCECTOMY ASSCECTOMY ASSCECTOMY (for HTH)

I already have a girlfriends night out this Friday. No dancing on bars, but drinks, food, laughter. Maybe a liiiiittle impromptu dancing, but nothing crazy.

DS is back in school, and his spirits are still good. I'm already making lists of spring things that need to get done, and things I WANT to do. I do so love the springtime. Can't wait until the weather breaks and gives me a chance to get outside in the yard. Hope the neck doesn't give me too much trouble. I'll have to break the weeding up into small shifts. My grass grows strangely thick and long around yard objects, like the pool and the swingset; looks like armpit hair; that'll need mowing VERY soon.

Chrisner was right, springtime being here does make this easier in many ways.

That's what they invented weed-whackers (or weedeaters as the pros call them) for. Too bad they don't make weed-whackers for the hard situations that come up thick and long in life.

I think they call those wood-chippers.

Ok, NOOOOOW my minds in the gutter. Where's Mimi? Her ears have GOT to be burning right now.

OMG...

HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! I knew your ears had to be ON FIRE!!

Actually my FIRST THOUGHT was MARENA BOBBITT.. :eek:

ZOIKS!

Not very Sexual Chocolate, indeed. Ewwwwwwwwww.

SL-
You had said this on SD's thread:

"I'm working on this one. I was just thinking this morning, while driving in to work, will these thoughts of wondering if I did enough ever cease. I'm not obsessing, but I'll hear a song or see a movie, and wonder if PWC really knew how much I loved him, and would THAT have changed anything, if he REALLY knew."

You know what? I think that he DID know.
He knew, but he would not open his heart to loving YOU again. For whatever his reasons may be. My EX did the same thing, REFUSED to give us a chance. Once he made up his mind that we could not be together, that was it.

You KNOW that you did a great job improving yourself, learning about yourself, and trying the best that you could. You know you would have done anything.

But, it takes two to tango, and he just did not want to.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It is his problem. He will have to be the one living with his choice.

You are wonderful, don't forget that!

Ah, Sadmo dug my thread up.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Yes, I do know that it takes two. Acceptance is slow, but coming or occurring as we speak. I'm really good. Little nagging thoughts creep in here and there, but I don't let them inundate my thinking all day long, as I used to. These thoughts float in on a wicked little breeze, and then flow right out, as I'm not interested in anything more than looking at myself. I cannot get inside his mind, and I am refusing to continue trying. It really is wasteful of my precious energy.

Funny thing, I had this rash, and just could not get rid of it. Talked to my doc about it, and she said it was benign, as far as rashes go. Told her it would flare up, itch, get bumpy and then go away. Since PWC left, it's subsiding. It's still there, but not red or bumpy and has actually subsided quite a bit. Our situation was very stressful indeed!

Maybe that's TMI. Oh well, already typed it .

I AM wonderful dangit! Thanks Sadmo, and ditto to you!

ummm....Ya think?

No seriously, I love to hear about your rashes.

Really.




Really I do.

I'm guessing that he didn't know because he wouldn't let himself know. Knowing something like that would push a wayward much too close to admitting to themselves what a horrible thing they are doing. Chances are there wasn't anything you could have done that would have been able to penetrate the fog.

Lots of this stuff could still be working on him. That and the whole "how could she really love me after what I did" stuff.

Regardless, he's still broken and wayward, and there's nothing you can do to help him.

Hi SL,

You are doing so very well. PWC reminds me of my brother. He was M to the most wonderful person, but left her for a true witch who left him for her old high school flame. Anywho, the bottom line is that he is just a person who is not happy with himself for whatever reason, which means he can't be happy with anyone else. He's now M for a third time and after only a year, is already saying it isn't what he expected. He never really tried to save the first M either.

I guess what I'm getting at is that it wasn't you, it was him. Sounds like he is very unhappy for some reason, and until he resolves that within himself, he won't be happy with you or anyone else. He'll keep floating from R to R trying to find a person that will make him happy. Problem is, it isn't something another person can do. Sometimes they just don't get it....