I have a question on how I should handle a situation with a friend. It is sometimes very difficult to get along with her and she is then the cause of a very bad atmosphere.

The last incident was yesterday. Me, the friend X and two other friends went bowling. I could tell that X was not in her best mood but the game was fun and everyone was having a good time. After the bowling another friend suggested to go for pizza. X said no, she did not feel like pizza, but she could cook something simple for us at her house. We went over there and that was when the trouble started.

She told us again and again to change subject because she did not like what we were talking about. Either it was movies, work, society in general etc etc she got annoyed. She asked us to talk about something positive and I think that all of us did our best to be friendly. At the same time she was very rude and said things like "people from your area are unfriendly and plenty of them have moved to my hometown and destroyed it".

She had made some pancakes and there were only a few left. She had told us that she was not hungry and had left a pancake on her plate. There were three left on the table and me and another friend took one each. She then screamed at us: "Are you stupid, you can't eat all the pancakes, I am still hungry!".

After that I did not try to make conversation, I just said thank you and left. I was so mad that I could not start a discussion then and there. Everyone had been nice to her and she had been so rude to all of us the whole evening and she did not even attempt to apologize.

On the way home I started crying. I don't know why but every time I get upset it triggers me to start thinking about WH and how he has betrayed me.

Now I have two questions:
1. What should I do with this friend? I try to see this as part of my personal growth. I would like to tell her that I get hurt when she behaves like that and that I feel that she trys to control our conversation and it is not fair. If she doesen't stop this behavior I don't think that I can go on socializing with her, I don't want to waste my energy on situations like that.
2. How do I handle my feelings of pure despair that surface every time something bad happens to me? I have talked to a counsellor who told me to try to be present in what I am doing and not spend time and energy dwelling on the past and the possible future. But how does that help me when everything comes out again when I get upset?

Has your friend always been like this? Does she have redeeming points? Sounds like her friendship is very stressful.

WU-
This is what I think.
1. you can see this as your personal growth, and tell her that you cannot be around her if she is going to behave in that manner. Tell her how it makes you feel. Then, as part of your growth, I would stop socializing with her. Put up YOUR boundary. She is supposed to be a friend, yet she is dragging you down. Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself, and your friend, is to end the dance, and let them go.

2. You can help handling your feeling of despair by not putting yourself in stressful situations that may trigger you, if you can help it. Like not socializing with this friend. She seems like she makes you walk on eggshells. The beautiful thing about friends is that they are like flowers- you PICK them! You do NOT have to be this womans friend, especially if it causes you stress.

You do NOT have to be her friend, and you do NOT have to try to be her friend. How is she YOUR friend?

And, like believer asked, I too wonder, what are her redeeming qualities?

My D17 has had to make hard decisions about friends several times in her short life. I don't know what it is about her that attracts problem children, but she's had a handful! Anyway, she puts up with a lot, but we talk about it, and she'll decide whether to remain friends or not. Often, she will decide to sever friendships because they are 'toxic' to her. Her former best friend took every opportunity to put her down to make herself feel better; D17 had to pull away from her. You don't have to stay friends with people. And if you're not going to see her any more, you might be able to do her a favor by telling her why.

Re your despair...someone recommended a great book that talks about separating yourself from your feelings and observing them and then analyzing them - to learn from them. It's called Emotional Alchemy. Really good.

Thank you believer, sadmo and catperson.

Most of the time she is kind and friendly but sometimes she behaves really bad. Yesterday was the worst time ever. It was so bad that I was even wondering if she had turned ill in some way.

She is usually caring and has helped me when I have been down and cheered me up. We have many interests in common such as kayaking, skiing and music. She arranged a surprise for my birthday and I feel that she did that because she wanted to make me happy.

She called me yesterday after I had posted here. She apologized and said that she knew that she had been unpleasant. She said that she was tired and down and that she probably should not have met with anyone that evening. I told her I felt that she was very angry and created a bad atmosphere and that it made me feel bad. She apologized again and I said that it was good that she called me and talked about it. I asked her how her day was and she said it was crap.

I think that she feels bad about her behavior and probably does not want to go out at all when she feels like she can't be nice. I hope that she can make that decision in the future, I like her a lot when she behaves friendly.

I realize that I should be grown up enough to deal with this on my own but I have not really experienced problems like this with friends. I may have been lucky but all my close friends have been very good people and none of them have ever been rude or unpleasant. I have spent all of my adult life with my husband and he has been my best friend, our friends have just been people around us and not very close.

I have known this person for one year now, we met through kayaking and started doing things together. She has had some problems related to stress and work and I know that she is taking sleeping pills and have been in counselling. I understand that she has personal problems but she can't take it out on us like that. She can talk to me and I can support her but it is not right of her to destroy a nice evening, in that case it is better if she stays at home that day.