I understand what you are saying and appreciate your words. I believe there is nothing I can do to minimize her pain. And the only thing that matters right now is what she needs. And she needs this hurt to be taken away.

She needs me to work on being the person she deserves which is something I can only dream of becoming again.

JT:

I think that you should BE STILL.

I understand that you are dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt right now, but what you are going through right now does not even compare to the shock, anger, confusion, and feelings of worthlessness that your BW is feeling right now.

DDay was yesterday for your BW. Both of your emotions are all over the map right now. Everyone here has been where your BW and you find yourselves, and the best thing that you can do is BE STILL.

This thread is 100% focused on you and your pain!

I sense that may be part of your intention...to use this thread as a blog (about you) under the guise of 'helping' other potential future WS' that may be considering an A. Your posts are filled with dramatic language, but you have seemed to ignore the advice of the many posters that have tried to help you out. When your BW has expressed her shock and anger, you responded NOT with humility and remorse, but with lashing back at her. When a poster suggested what your BW may be feeling right now, you conveniently used the same 'settled for' feeling to express your OWN hurts due to your BW's actions.

The alarms on my [censored](B/S) meter are ringing non-stop. YOU ARE STILL BEING COMPLETELY SELFISH AND ARE IN A WAYWARD STATE OF MIND. It seems that you just want your BW back to fix your own pain, but you don't want to make any REAL changes...you just want to post a bunch of dramatic guilty feelings, get your BW to read them, and then have her welcome you back into her life. YOU EVEN WANTED TO EMAIL HER THE LINK FOR YOUR THREAD! That just smacks of manipulation!

Your BW will be able to get some help here, and you will too if you can step outside of yourself and your selfish ways to really learn something about yourself and how to be a quality husband.

It will be a long, hard road if both of you choose to head that way, but whether or not your BW chooses to do it, you need to do it for yourself, your children, and any future relationship partners you may have..whether that is your BW or not.

If you really want to rebuild your M, you need to start listenting to and adopting the advice offered to you here by people that have already gone through this. But the biggest piece of advice that I can offer you is to BE STILL.

Every time you want to focus on YOUR pain, you need to empathize with your BW and try to feel the pain that she is dealing with right now. Every time that your BW expresses her shock and anger, you need to BE STILL...and DEFINITELY don't respond with (or even think) about your justifications and try to lash right back at her to cause her more pain and confusion. BE STILL first and listen to your BW. Mixed in with your BW's anger will be nuggets of info for the the changes that SHE needs to witness in you.

I hope that you will do the right thing, and attempt to make amends for the choices you have made...neither your BW nor your children asked for the consequences you have chosen to hand them.

LoBoy

LB, the more I read your post the more sense it made. I'm not trying to make this about me and I am taking the advice from this post I just have a hard time voicing that with words, but believe me, sitting here at 3:03 and hearing her sob isn't about me. I just don't know how to actually help her. I will just be still and let her work on this the way she needs to, she doesn't want me right now so I will just be still and wait and give her anything she eneds

She's probably too upset to ask you for anything, but I bet she needs a lot from you.

Suggestions. Please......

DO NOT wait for her to tell you what she needs. In time, she MAY. But for right now, figure out things you can do to help her. Make dinner. Shop for stuff. Clean the house. Do the things she normally does but is probably too devastated to do right now.

Buy the book "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis and Springs and do what the book suggest. I would get this book asap.

Be available day and night for her to talk or vent, so she can work through the roller coaster of emotions she's going through.

Be prepared to work hard at this for awhile.

Do not ever suggest to her that *you* need her to get over it. She'll need to work this out on her own timeline.

TELL her, or write to her, what realizations and revelations you have come to about what you're learning from this horrible experience.

Say soothing things to her when you can.

Write in a journal where you can share your thoughts for her to read on her own time.

Just some stuff from a BS who knows how your wife feels. Actions speak louder than words though.

Have you answered all her questions honestly? Have you sent a "no-contact" letter to the OW? This should be written by you, approved and mailed by your W, not you. There are samples of a no-contact letter on this site.

You CAN NOT fix this in a matter of hours, or even days. You need to man up and be the sounding board for your WIFE's pain, not the other way around. The LAST thing she needs to hear right now is how much YOU are hurting because of YOUR actions. Doesn't matter what she has done in the past, there is NEVER an excuse for an affair. If you guys ever get to the point of working on recovery, you can figure out THEN what needs to happen to make your marriage better NOW.

Have you thought about contacting the Harleys? They can help you restore your marriage and offer counseling to BOTH of you.

In the meantime, get off the pity potty and start caring for your wife's needs. She's in a world of pain right now and it will take quite some time for her to even entertain the thought of recovery with you.

JT:
How does it feel to be the betrayed??

I answered that very question this past Saturday when my H of 19+ years told me he doesn't know the pain I may be feeling.
I told him the pain is worse than the pain of losing a child or a mother. It rips at your soul. This one person who was your support, your best friend, the first person you ran to when you felt hurt by someone else..basically threw that relationship right out the window. We ask ourselves: "who do we turn too now when our one comfort is gone?" We have to show strength for the children but who's there for us? Friends may act supportive but they get sick of hearing your story after a while. They just stop returning your phone calls because you are too depressing to be near now. Your family has one suggestion: DIVORCE THE A$$. The feeling of betrayal is heart wrenching and I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.

Give her some support now. Don't force it because I know, if you ignore the pain and anger it comes back later!!

Hi Just Tim,

I've read but haven't posted to your thread. I just noticed that you are asking another question on a new thread about whether or not you should warn your distraught BS that where she is moving out to might be near where OW lives or hangs out.

It might be helpful for posters to know your story if you kept to one thread. You may get better answers by responding to the posts on this thread first and just changing your title (if it will let you edit.)

Just a suggestion.

I took some time to really look at everything being said and took the time to really work on what was happening in my household and not worry so much about what was happening on marriage builders.

I really appreciate all the words, it brought some light to a very foggy brain. My mind was working over time to fix what I had broken. Something that I don't know will ever be fixed again.

My wife was going to move out, she has since changed her mind. She is staying in the house for now. She has taken our bedroom and made it hers. She is going to be working more hours. She said that maybe in a week or two we can try to be a friends level again and take it from there. She's not going to make any promises and she made it very clear she's going to do what ever she wants when she wants, but that this is where she stands. She will stay in the house because there is no other option. I will accept where she stands and am just glad to have her in the house. Hopefully we can take that friendship and take it from there. I know she loves me and I love her. I love her more than the world. I guess this is one of those times I wish the human brain could read the future.

She does say a lot of things that worry me. About how a cheater is always a cheater, about how she should read she should have called the cops and had them make me leave the house. I could go on. She said it's stuff she found on another website / forum. I told her about marriage builders but she has not yet ventured there. At least not that she makes me aware of. I received how to survive an affair yesterday and read it cover to cover. I gave it to her saying I know she's not ready to read it but if she feels like the time comes that it may be insightful. With what I am hearing it just sounds like she's going to marriagebreakers not builders.

I don't know what to say or think. I'm still so numb to what I have done and can only imagine where she's at. And right now, she's out having dinner with her mom and that too scares me to death. A mother will protect her child no matter what and I just have this fear that her mom will tell her to just leave and if she does, I will take that. It's my fault. but I feel as if there is hope but scared there is not.

I guess it frustrates me because I read about all these marriages where the BS wants nothing more than the WS to love them, be with them. They could be living with the other person yet the BS wants them home. In my case it wasn't emotional, it wasn't sexual. Kissing took place and I didn't want it. I ended everything a couple months ago but just felt like telling her was a must. Yet I cause all of this.

I don't know, I guess I just needed to get some of this out. I wish she would visit MB for advice and help. Even if it's to leave me. I wish she would.

I'm really sorry about how I seemed like a crazed person when I first posted this. I was feeling lower than I ever imagined and then I was just searching for anything and everything to save what I had torn apart. I will continue to let this play out and give her everything she asks for and needs. And hope that our marriage is what she decides to take a stab at.

Ahhh, then she told me either way she wins and loses, that if she stays, she will have a husband that right now seems to want to give her the world. WHICH I DO AND ALWAYS WILL, and that her kids will have their father 24/7 but she loses because she will always worry. Where if she leaves she will eventually find a new husband where she won't have to worry and hopefully he will give her what she needs. But loses her current friend and father of her children.

I just needed to vent because I feel depression creeping back in... Thanks for listening. And again, sorry about bouncing all over the place earlier in this post, I felt like I was a pingpong ball trying anything and everything to stay on the table when I wasn't sitting back and working on the real picture. My marriage.

My wife is my world and hopefully our universe will exists sometime again.

and I said something in there about how my affair wasn't emotional or sexual, just some kissing that I didn't want. I'm not trying to play it down. I am just feeling a little down right now. I know what I did was wrong and hurtful and could break this marriage apart forever.

Hi Just Tim,

Glad you took time to contemplate and that you're back. I didn't check but did you see tst's answer on your other thread? Glad her moving out is a moot point now, but tst is a wonderful example of a FWH who you can look to for positive guidance.

I experienced the same thing as I high-lighted in your above quote, the fear of never being able to trust my WH again.

That's why the Marriage Builders concepts are so different. You read about the Love Bank. It can be depleted. But if you plug the hole, it can be refilled. Its emptiness is not final.

For the past year, my FWH (yes, he's earned the "F" for Former Wayward Husband) pledged to do anything and everything to help me heal. I did not believe him. Eventually, his commitment and promises were backed up with actions. And gradually, the hole filled in and the Love Bank started to refill.

I controlled it. After 4 D-Days (story entitled Mr. romAnCe in the Romantic Experiences section below), the void was huge.

His actions spoke really loud. He took all my abuse and quit being angry. He followed through. He treated me with respect when I was horribly disrespectful, especting him to fail.

He did not....and continues to prove that he values me.

You can do the same. It's your choice.

Don't push her here. Let her see your changes and ask what made the difference. Eventually her curiousity will lead her here.

Best wishes,

Ace

Yup, that about covers it.

****This is what went thru my mind, over and over again back after D-Day. Who do I turn to now? Who's there for me? DS13 was the only adult in our household then and should not have been put into that position. I'm proud of him for stepping up to care for me, but I will not allow myself to ever be in that place again!

But then, when things seem to have calmed down and her anger subsides she goes out to get coffee and runs into another guy from town, they chat for a while about life and us. She takes his card. I was in her car today and the card was there. I did not touch it. She wanted to e-mail him this afternoon and said it was gone. I didn't touch it. I even sent her his e-mail address, because we have been in touch before, but she thinks I did something with it. She calls me from her moms and asked again, I said I did not touch it. She got the e-mail I sent with his e-mail address and e-mailed him. Then said that her and her sister will go through the car and if it's not there I will be done.

They found the card under one of the seats. But they have still decided I touched it. She said I don't have a right to be upset about her opening up to him, and that I should have just told the truth about "hiding" the card. I didn't touch it. her and her sister think I'm just telling lies about it all. I just wish I could have said yes, I touched it, at least then she would say I knew you did. Instead she just thinks I'm not telling the truth. What right does she have to believe me? none. But I have given her passwords to everything I have, I have nothing to hide. I just wish I could have not even gone where I did. I wish I could take all of this pain away from her and continue to be the husband I was learning to be here on marriage builders. But I can't. I can only sit and give her the space she needs and hope that the guaranteed future I can provide for her will be the one that will make her happiest.

thanks for letting me vent and thanks for the replies above. Still just trying to see everything here from where she's at so I understand she doesn't want to believe me. I just really wish she would. I will never lie or cheat on or to her again.

.

The frustration just drags me so deep. The fact I did something like this to my wife and my marriage and caused her such pain, drags me so deep. Right now, I just get very upset when I read about other affairs, affairs that seemed so deep, WS moved in with the other, or wouldn't stop A even if BS wanted them to. BS's did everything they could to work on getting their love back from WS. While I sit here, not downplaying what I have done, but I walked away from someone that never meant a thing, that never went to sex, I walked away and wanted nothing to do with her, had to tell my wife. And that there is no repair for the pain I have caused her. And she has shut down. Part of me feels like she believes she has found her way out. I don't know what I'm saying here, I guess I am just frustrated that my wife isn't in a place where she wants to make this work. Everyone is different, she may never feel that way, I have caused her so much pain and I am incredibly sorry for that. Sorry isn't even the right word for this pain and anger I have caused. I hurt the love of my life, my world, my wife.

She has been talking to a male friend right over the past two days and I have no ground to stand on as for complaining, but now she just sent me a text message saying she needs me out. I do not want to leave my house, my kids and my marriage. Do I just leave or do I continue to give her space and not get in her face. I have no where to go. I do not want to leave the side of the one I love when I know she is in pain and hurt. I know I should have thought about that before spending time with OW but I don't. I also know that she e-mailed OW to ask what the truth is and as long as she tells her the truth my W will know that it wasn't emotional or sexual, it was a couple kisses and company. Not that it makes it any easier but my wife just wanted to know the truth.

should I just leave the house for her? I really don't think that's what she wants though.

JT

I'm also new to the forum. Found out about my husbands 6 month emotional and physical affair two months ago. I'm writing to you because somehow I identify myself with your wife despite some differences (we have no kids and my husband's affair was way deeper than yours). However, he, as you, is trying everything to make up for his mistake.

Me? I don't want to hear about him anymore eventhough I love him dearly. I asked him to leave home and I'm currently focused on myself and in forgetting him. I know I'll eventually do it. Don't care whether I'll have to spend my life alone but don't want to be with someone I can't trust. I'm sick of playing the detective! Fortunately I have a full time job that allows me to support myself comfortably, so financial support is not an issue for me.

I'm sorry I can't give you hope... however, I strongly recommend that you get her to read this site, especially the stories of those like us who have been betrayed so badly and still want to fight to get their wayward spouses back(not my case, but others). Maybe print out some posting chains for her and leave them on the bed.That might pick her curiosity and lead her to MB. Also, reading about other people's worse situations will certainly give her something to think about.

Good luck
J