I had something of a revelation yesterday afternoon. I had really wanted to write it all down and post it here when it was fresh, but it was late in the day and it was MC night - couldn't be late. But I've been meditating on it and processing it. Here goes:

Much of my time in Plan A has been spent trying to figure out how to do a better job being a husband and father. While pondering this yesterday, it occurred to me - what if I weren't a husband and father? Independently of other people, am I the man that I want to be? I am not.

This summer I'll turn 40. In reality, that's no big deal, but figuratively it is. I've long suspected that I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Sure it hasn't affected me in the cliche manner - I'm not chasing young girls or buying sports cars and expensive toys. But, yeah...I am not the man I want to be, and just as importantly, I'm not the man I expected to be at this stage of my life.

Japanese swordsman Miyamoto Musashi wrote in the 17th century that the first opponent one must overcome is one's self...all else comes after. I expected that by 40 I would be seasoned and wise and have the answers for people younger and less experienced than I am. I am not wise and I have no answers. In fact, it was probably an unrealistic expectation.

When I was 29 and engaged to be married, I went to a teacher for advice. I'll never forget what he told me. He said "you are like a puppy. Sniffing everything and full of energy and life, and peeing on the floor now and then...but you're going to be a hell of a 40 year old. A HELL of a 40 year old." I've always felt an obligation to live up to that. I didn't see it as an observation, I saw it as a challenge...and one that I desperately wanted to meet. I have not...yet.

So where this all led me yesterday was this: the only thing that is in the sphere of my control is my self (that's 2 words in this context, not "myself"). I have not yet conquered my self. It follows that only when I am content with the man I have become can I begin to become the father and husband that I want to be. It's an awkward sentence, read it again. I cannot be the kind of father, husband or friend that I would like to be until I can become the man that I would like to be. That's a little better. It's so simple, it's stupid. It's so deep, it's devastating.

So I am resolved to conquer my self. I will become the man I want to be, and all else will follow. Maybe that's setting the bar a bit high - I will strive to become the man I want to be, and in so doing, I will become a man I can be proud of. If I can achieve this goal, it doesn't matter the outcome of external events (e.g. divorce vs. reconciliation and recovery). It won't matter because I will have improved and become a better man...a whole man. The striving should never end - I must always try to be better, even when I am content with what I have achieved.

I think the root of my mid-life crisis is the realization that I have spent most of my 30's in complacency and resignation. It has been many a year since I have felt the urge to improve the status quo. I have been a defeatist for too long...it's time to be a winner.

One thing I've noticed. Its easy to get down on yourself if you pay attention to society's rules. Women have for YEARS been screaming about society's concept of what a woman should look like. They have said that it puts UNREALISTIC expectations in young girls heads that lead to problems later on it life.

Today, I see the same thing going on. Only this time its with guys. Society is hammering, through all modes of media, what they consider a succesful guy SHOULD be. And I thing both husbands and wifes read this remember it in back of their minds. And I really think this has a HUGE part in why marriages are failing at astounding rates.

Its the barbie doll arguement, only now its with males.

This is inspiring, 2L2F, and I thank you for sharing it. Self Recovery is the first step in Marital Recovery IMHO, and you have taken a huge first step. You've illustrated your thought patterns beautifully.

Again, thanks!

Ace

P.S. Society says (well parts of society says, at least) that one's 50's are the new 30's. If you subscribe to that notion, you've just completed your teenaged years of complacency!

It's as true as can be, with everything I am going through and have gone through recently this too is one of the main things I am working on because no matter what happens with my marriage, I am still me and I want to be the best me I can. So while everything in the M is balanced on a life line and hanging by a thread that she may decide to cut, I will always be me and I need to be the me I want and can be.

Nice words..

2

And what an epiphany that is!

"Your person" is the only one you can control. The real changes you make are for you.

No matter the outcome.

She'll notice though.

Good for you.

Thanks for the good feedback all. I'm feeling very positive today, despite a very painful MC session last night. I feel better prepared and more resolute. It's refreshing. I know the roller coaster ride is nowhere near over, but I feel better prepared for it now. The future lows won't be as low.

Very inspiring, and so very true.

Good for YOU!

As someone who went through this same thing while trying to recover from the mess an A creates...I applaud you and your epiphany!!

I was 28 when I realized that I had to like WHO I was and WHAT I was doing with my life before I was ever going to move on...with or without my H. Mine was a "lightbulb" moment. It just came out of nowhere one day...as most of them do.

I was meak and eager to please....and let everyone walk all over me for years. Now though.....I like who I am...and the direction my life has taken. I speak my mind...sometimes to the point of brutal honesty...and nobody walks all over me anymore, espcially
not my H.

Being in Recovery for quite some time now it's hard to sit back and read some of these posts and KNOW that it's a process that someone HAS to go through to recover...but there are soooo many aspects of personal recovery to deal with that one needs to make these discoveries on their own and do them in their own time.

I'm glad for you and hope things go well.

Wow, what a TRUE and HONEST statement. We HAVE to recover OURSELVES before we can recover the M because will just go back into the old destructive patterns and all this would have been for not.

But if we truly become those people who we were meant to be all along and G-d can be proud of our hard work and perserverance, well then we are able to give back to others and that's reparing the world in Hebrew it's called Tikkun Olam.

I hope that one day someone on here will be helped by my continuing journey and KNOW that when it's at the darkest and there have been so many of those for me, that you WILL get through it, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but you will get through it.

THIS IS SO THE TRUTH AND THE MAGICAL PART OF THIS. We get to become who G-d always wanted for us and get to live a new freedom and happiness that is based on a firm foundation of health, spirit, and G-d.

My thought for today:

Set achievable, simple short term goals for yourself each day. Achieve at least 1 simple goal every day. By doing this you will train your mind to accept success, and longer term, more difficult goals will become within your reach. Your failures will become more trivial.

Record your achievements...write your goals in a diary and note your successes. You will be amazed at how good at being a winner you really are.

2Live,
Right on in your observation. A stranger on my commute saw me reading something and, out of the blue, recommended I read The Go Giver. It's a very short but good book about life's rules for giving more that you receive and adding value to other's lives instead of expecting them to add value to yours. It's nothing surprising but, in this entitled minded society, the principles are an uncommon practice.
It was odd to me that some stranger just spoke to me and recommended it but I'm glad he did.

V/r,
No way

This sounds exactly like my 40 year old WH. I believe that part of this A is a midlife crisis. We have had a hard 9 years as well with my medically compromised son and put our lives on hold. I think it all hit him at once. Of course the difference is that he thinks the answer to all his problems is the OW. That he is finding himself thru her!!!!

I begged him to see a therapist, he bounces around from therapist to therapist because they all told him go back to your M and work on that and yourself. You won't solve your problems with a new relationship. So he keeps going to people until he finds one that says, "yeah its fine to leave your wife and kids, you put yourself first. D is no big deal. The kids will be fine." I know this cuz I see the cancelled checks come thru and I was also involved with the previous therapists.

I have to commend you on an extremely well thought out, well written and intelligent post.

Being in the position of about to turn 40, I ponder these thoughts as well. I find it both humorous and sad to think that I thought I would have it all together by now.

Although from your post, I can tell that you are far wiser than you think.

If anyone could make it through the rollercoaster of recovery a better and improved person, it would be someone like you.

Kudos.

Thank you Maz for those beautiful compliments.

I assure you though, I am not wise...I am just awake and aware now. A week ago, wisdom was an unreachable ideal - now I can begin to learn and hopefully become wise.

NW - sounds like the stranger gave you a gift. Enjoy it

Kag,

I think my WW is the same way. She goes to MC with me and participates fully. But she still has yet to take any responsibility for anything and I think that in her mind she's there to fix me.

I hope for both of our sakes our WS's see through the fog and decide to make changes. I can't fix my WW, I can only improve myself.

The road to recovery from infidelity is indeed a lonely one. The victories are all personal. The progress is quiet, but real.

The good thing is that the joy is in the journey. It's a tough one and it is a lonely one for a BS, but the payoff, if you really put in the effort, is a man you can be proud of.

One day you'll be able to look in the mirror and say, "How do you like me now?"

I'm still on that journey.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The shock of what you're going through is devastating and the lessons learned from it will be invaluable in future relationships.

Fixing YOU has to happen no matter what happens to your marriage. This way, when YOU get to a place where you're happy with yourself you can engage in a relationship with someone who is happy with themselves and their life. It's the only way to have a healthy relationship.

Perhaps that can be your WW, who may wake up to the wake of destruction she is creating in your and your children's lives. Perhaps it will be with another woman years from now.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The journey doesn't end till we've taken our last breath.

The ultimate judgement here on Earth will be what our children think of us after we're gone. Will they say, "I was proud of my dad, who was a good man." Or will they say, "I loved my dad, but he had some bad things I wish he would have addressed in his life." Or, worst of all, "I loved my mom, but I wish she hadn't cheated on dad and they had kept their marriage together."

Right on pom. Right on.

And I don't think I'm really being too hard on myself...I'm not easily self-motivated, so I'm strict . I do believe that I didn't deserve any of this, but I can see it for the wake-up call that it is. It's hard to think of the future when you don't believe that a future is worth having - that has been my most valuable change. There will be a future, and I will be prepared - no matter what it is.

Here's my thought for today: How often have you achieved a goal and then stopped doing what got you there in the first place?

I'm living that right now. My goal in life was to be a pilot. I achieved it and I was driven to do it.

Now I could care less what I do for a living so long as it covers the bills.

The next goal, and the one I'm putting that energy into, is being a dad.

Our daughters are the same age. Focus on being a dad for her.

Teach her your unique interests and focus on your relationship with her.

Some of my best memories of this past year involved teaching the kids about the "real" Buzz. I taught them about Buzz Aldrin and the landing on the moon and how science got us there. We watched clips of the moon landing from the series "From the Earth to the Moon" and they really got into it.

I've taught them how to kick a soccer ball and run around yelling "goal!"

I've acted silly, taking a Superman cookie jar and parading it around my coffee table while singing the theme from the movie.

Be the dad that gives them memories they can look back on and they can say, "my dad really loved us and was cool. He taught me neat things and was always there for me when I needed him. Mom? She was too busy with OM when I needed her help/support/comfort."

This is why no woman will ever come ahead of my kids. THEY are my focus till they're older.

You should focus on the same for your DD.

Being a dad has been job #1 since 3/5/2003. Unfortunately, being a husband got left by the wayside - I always figured that by being the best dad I could be, I would automatically be the best husband. I was wrong.

What I should have focused on was being the best MAN I could be...then being a dad and being a husband will come naturally. That's my new priority.