Have been watching this website for years. Married +20 yrs, H had/is having/ numerous affairs (EA/PA). Did Plan A. Have to do Plan B sooner than later. Am scared as H has threatened to kill me if I leave. Am in therapy, have friends and family support, take meds, but still scared/cowardly/vacillating(maybe he'll change? But he wont) Sisters, how did you get the strength to leave?

DTP

Welcome to GQII

I relocated your post as you requested.

Please become familiar with LINK TO BASIC CONCEPTS

c00per

Welcome DTP!!!

Please, first, ensure your safety. I trust you've done so, and that you are safe to post here.

Second, I hear that you are asking for advice on finding strength. That's great! Some wives in abusive situations come here and are told to leave their H, and they don't want to hear that. But if you've been lurking here then you are probably prepared for those posts, right? I just don't want you to be scared off. I'm concerned, ok?

Alright, if that's all clear (safety first, and we post as we do because we care): Have you contacted a women's shelter or hotline? I hear that you have support from family, friends, therapists, etc. But if there is a threat of physical violence, have you alerted someone in authority or in a position to get you to safety? Are there any kids involved?

Have you worked out a plan for leaving? Like, where you will go, what you'll take, how you will make sure you're safe, etc? It doesn't take courage to dream of a plan; you don't have to follow through. But that might be a way to get a step closer, to working up your courage.

Physical abuse is seldom, mental and emotional abuse is daily. Kids no longer young, thank God.

Been reading Dr. Harley's books, other books on abuse, infidelity, divorce, legal issues. But I need the strength to take Step l: To physically leave WH.

Havn't tried forming a detailed, concrete plan. Have been "reacting" to H and events, rather than pro-actively planning my life. I can see how a plan will give me some strength. Thank you for the understanding that I don't have follow through. I guess this vacillation is common for BSs.

Can you support yourself?

When I left my abusive husband, I contacted a woman's shelter for a plan. It included arranging a place to stay - with a friend from work that he didn't know. I also got a credit card in my name only which I kept away from my home. I packed up all the stuff I would need and took it to her home. Then I got a restraining order.

I got my home, but rented it out for a year so that he couldn't find me. I DID have the advantage of working on a military base, so had the protection that he could not get on base to follow me home from work.

Be aware that the most dangerous time with an abuser is when you are leaving.

Her WH sounds like the kind of guy that would try to keep her dependent on him, so the answer to that is probably no.

DTP,
When you say the kids are grown, does that mean they are out of the house? If so, please cut all ties to this man. Go some place safe and report his threats and physical abuse to the police. Also, you should make sure your kids know about what he has done, because he may take it out on them if you remove yourself from the situation. If he is physically abusive, emotionally abusive, and has threatened your life, please leave now and figure out your plan later. Your WH deserves to be in jail!

I'll be sending good thoughts your way and hoping to hear some good news from you soon.

Here is some more info -

SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:

humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?


Types of domestic violence and abuse
There are different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, physical, sexual, and economic abuse. Many abusers behave in ways that include more than one type of domestic abuse, and the boundaries between some of these behaviors may overlap.

Emotional or psychological abuse
Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.

Physical abuse
When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. There’s a broad range of behaviors that come under the heading of physical abuse, including hitting, grabbing, choking, throwing things, and assault with a weapon.

Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

The plan is the most important thing. Determine ahead of time where you will live, arrange the lease agreement ahead of time. Make sure the place you choose is some place he has never even heard of; you have never mentioned it before; it's not in your area. Because he will likely visit all your friends, your family, your work, and any other place he can remember that you've ever been to, to find you. So pick a place he'll never think to look.

If you have a job, see if you can take that week off, so he won't be able to follow you to or from work that first week. Tell them what you're doing, and ask them to watch out for him. Once you're back at work, do NOT go straight home; drive around for an hour, if you can, in case he follows you, so he might give up and go home.

Set up a new bank account at a different bank, in your own name. Start putting money in there, even if it's just $10 or $20 at a time.

Start moving your important stuff, once piece at a time, to a friend's house; keep some boxes there, and just take one piece with you every time you leave the house. Rearrange the stuff that's left, spread it out, so it won't be obvious that things are missing.

Arrange for a job if you don't have one.

Write out your story and give copies to everyone who will support you. When you leave, leave a copy for him, and let him know (in writing) that - because he has threatened to kill you - everyone else who knows the two of you - and the police - has also received a copy of it; therefore, they will be looking out for you - and him.

Visit a lawyer ahead of time and ask him/her what to do to protect you and your assets. Find out if there is anything you need to do to keep him from finding some way to force you back home.

If your kids are grown, let them know ahead of time that you will be leaving some day (don't say when) and that they need to be prepared for an upheaval, as well as a father who may go a little nuts. Ask them to let their friends know to keep an eye out for them, too. If they're not grown, make sure you have all the legal material taken care of to allow you to get them in a new school, doctor's access, etc. set up so that he can't take them away or deny you access.

Practice a speech in case you have to confront him. STAY AWAY from feelings, keep it neutral, and come up with a mantra that you keep repeating if he gets in your face. "I want out of this marriage and I am leaving. I want out of this marriage and I am leaving." Just keep repeating it if he tries to start a fight. DO NOT get wrapped up into a discussion with him over why or who did what wrong. You do NOT owe him any explanation. His death threat says it all.

The day you leave, call everyone in your support group and let them know exactly when you are leaving. Arrange for someone to help you. Let them know where you are going, and when you should arrive; ask them to call to make sure you got there. If they don't reach you, ask them to come looking and CALL the police before they leave their house!

Hi DTP,

I'm glad you are getting some good advice. I assure you, lots of us here understand vacillating. It's a tough decision, especially after being with him for so long. But you are right, he won't change, not when it's been so long and he hasn't, and not without something huge, like you leaving. Probably not even then. But you know that.

You say there isn't *much* physical abuse, mostly emotional. That means there is *some*?

Are your kids supportive? Could they help out? Or are you afraid to let them know?

I keep thinking of that woman in the news, who left a note with her neighbor and who told her priest. (Or am I getting two different stories mixed up?) Please don't minimize the danger. I like the idea of leaving notes with a lot of other people and the police, and then letting him know you've done so.

The weekends are slow, so don't feel bad if you don't get too much traffic before Monday. Come Monday, I or someone else will bump this up so more people will see it.

And there are professional people, authorities, who are trained and more experienced in dealing with things like this. If there's any doubt, please contact them, ok?

Hi DTP,

I want to welcome you to MB and assure you that you are in a very safe place with people who will be so helpful sounding boards and great knowledge and wisdom of how to recover.

I'm sorry you are here, but then again if you are afraid and have abuse in your life, I'm glad you are here.

Thank you to all who have replied, and for your prayers.

Kids are adults, they know what is going on, they have told me to leave H- they want to see me happy.

I have a job, but check goes to joint acct. But, been saving up some, in my own acct. H hates that I have my own acct now (I got the strength to do this when I discovered OW had own bank acct which he puts money in!)Just one example of how I "react" to what H does, rather than do things "proactively."

You know the story about frogs? If you put one in a pan with boiling water, it will jump out immediately. But, if you put it in water, then gradually turn up the heat, it gets used to the temperature and does not jump out, and dies! I think my lack of more decisive action is because I am so used to the abuse. I often wonder what will be the straw that will break my back, and I finally say, enough is enough!

Sorry, if I am defending my (in)action. But, on the plus side, I used to defend and rationalize whatever he was/is doing, but no more.

Thanks again.

So he is having an affair?

It is easy to get a restraining order. Where I live, you just show up at the courthouse, fill out some papers, and a judge checks them, and grants one. That will force him out of the home, but it is just a piece of paper.

Once abusers know that you are serious, they often will leave you alone. My ex went to jail twice before he got the point. He was comfortable bullying me, but the cops didn't put up with it.

Welcome....

I know this all sucks, we all agree on this. My heart and prayers go out to you. And yes, you need a plan. This has been most crucial to my growth. It gives you focus and helps you with the "reacting".

I hope the VETS can help you out. Weekends are usually slower, so on Monday, be sure to bump up your thread and they will be around before you know it.

not2fun

DTP, when you are ready to get out there...and trust me, you COULD be out of there today, safe and sound....I will be willing to lend a hand to get you to a safe place. Others here have been helped out of similar situations, but first, you must make the choice that YOU WILL NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION. No one can twist your arm to get you to go. Just KNOW that the resources are there to get you help and get you away from your abuser.

My email is attached to my account....or post here. When you are ready, help is available.

Hi,

By "some" physical abuse, I mean it's really seldom: the last one was months ago. As long as I don't talk about the OWs (there is presently at least two) and I give him my check, and I don't question whatever he is doing, and I do the usual duties of wife and mother, he does not hit me.

Am I sounding crazy, or is feeling guilty about being on this forum a feeling that most of you have felt? I mean, I know that I am an abused woman, but I am feeling that I am betraying him by asking for help, and that, well, maybe, he's not that bad after all. (My therapist says that when I think like this, it is actually my H "talking", not reality).

Thanks.

Yes, you DO sound crazy...you're not....but you are crazy thinking.

Your H abuses you. Period. That is enough reason for you to get help and get out of there. Read your own words and ask yourself if you would tolerate your daughter getting abused like this.

What do you want to do?

There is not one person here that can help you until you want to get help. What do you want?

Yes, IMHO that feeling of guilt, like you are betraying him, IS a result of longterm emotional abuse and control.

They say if he EVER hits you, that's too many times. I won't go quite that far and say one hit warrants a divorce, BUT if the only reason you are not getting hit is because you are placating him, then basically every single day you experience the effect of being hit - every single day it affects your behavior.

If he has threatened to kill you if you leave - that's abuse and control.

Does he limit your interactions with friends and/or family?

You ARE NOT guilty for being here. You have a right to form friendships (not talking about EAs) and seek assistance from people outside your M. It's good to have a therapist as a reality check; they know your situation. If they say your guilty feelings are due to your H's influence, believe them.

read what you just posted.
what if your daughter said the same things to you.
what would you tell her to do?

if you do this this and this all is happy.
you must walk on eggshells all of the time.

this is not healthy, this is not normal. you are being abused and controlled. he is supposed to have your check, see ow, and have you being june cleaver and not saying a word about it or you get a beating?

please listen to everyone here and get out now.
if you have always lived like this i fear what your children have been taught about relationships. what would you do if your daughter were being treated like this?

do NOT feel guilty for being here.
you said it yourself, this is abuse.
what do you plan to do about it?

mlhb

I think the feeling guilty is part of being in an abusive relationship. Most folks are raised to believe that a marriage's problems should not be openly discussed. It seems somehow unloyal. Abusers count on those feelings. Many, many women never tell. They are ashamed to get help.

I'm glad that you are seeing a counselor. And keep believing that it is very possible to leave and have a good life.

Physical abuse is physical abuse. No matter how much or how little, it is NEVER acceptable. Sometimes it helps to read your own words and digest what you've just posted here. Read your above post a few times...What do you think? It sounds like words of a person who has been abused and robbed of their ability to make sound judgement. That is typically what happens when you endure so much abuse, eventually you start to become numb to it, and start to minimalize it. Your gauge is broken...You don't even trust your own instincts anymore, your abusers instincts have taken the place of yours. That is a DANGEROUS place to be mentally and emotionally. You know you are being abused but you are telling yourself, its not that bad... but it is that bad...and more than likely it will get worse if you stay in that environment.

You aren't thinking clearly because you have been subjected to harmful treatment for far too long. You are not crazy, but you must remove yourself from the abuser if you want to break free from the abuse.