I was on here a long time ago, ten years or more, and stayed on for a year or two. I recognize some of your from before but I cant remember what my old name used to be and I no longer have that old email address.

Anyway, I initially came on here because I had broken up with a man I thought I would marry and loved very much. He had cheated on me in the early stage of the relationship and amazingly I did not end it then. I guess I didnt want the broken heart and I also knew that he was not interested in a relationship with the girl ,she was his ex. Anyway, this site was really helpful with understanding that. I also went to a few al anon meetings which explained a lot to me.

Anyway, about nine months later I met another man and I fell in love with him. However, I always found myself comparing to the man before him. It is like I did not want him back but still found myself looking at my new guy and feeling this new relationship was lacking although I did love him. He actualy figured this out without me saying anything and I am sure it was hard for him.

This site also helped me understand that. I found out about personality types here. I remember you, Wifty! Anyway, as it turn out the guy that cheated on me is supposed to be my best match as far as personlity type goes. My ex husband, the new boyfriend, was my EXACT oppposite and from what I read would have been a long road trying to make that work even if he wasnt also a narcisist on top of it. Unfortunately, my "perfect match " type wise was also a cheat! So while finding the same type is great you gotta find one that isnt crazy!


Anyway, three years later, me and the new guy got married and I had a child and then the poop hit the fan. I got very ill when I was pregnant and never got completley well again. I mean I became very disabled and chronically ill. I am now 9 years later in much better shape but it was years of trying to get a diagnosis and more years of all kinds of physical therapy, med etc. Right after I had our son he started getting very abusive, although punched me me he got very violent and threatening. HE used to run into me and practically knock me down and I thought he was just very clumpsy at first but the counselors later told me it was a way to hurt me without getting caught.

He also used to punch me in the face when I was sound asleep. He said he slept rough but I would awake beacuse I was hit so hard I would have a bruise. Anyway, you get that. We stayed together four more years because he told me if I left that when my son visited he would not change his diaper or feed him and I knew that would be the case as he showed me one time when I left for four hours. Anyway, everyone things you can get this "straightened out" by using "the system" but that is a joke. Not going to get into that here. So I stayed to protect my son and left when he was four and I knew he could feed and toliet himself.

My ex is a narcisist and predictably he actually started treating him much better as he has gotten older. They like kids in a certain age range and dont like babies at all. They like the age where the kids adore them no matter what they do.

Anyway, after I left my son developed a potentially life threatening problem and has had many surgies to correct it and been through a lot. He is ok now. Ex did not help in any way and in fact jerked me around and made it much harder. I am surprised that I did not end up in a rubber room with what he was doing while this was going on with my son.

All the while my ex husband lives with a beautiful early twenties girl who moved in about 4 months after I moved out. They both love to ride horses. He pays me practically nothing in child support, is self employed and easy to hide income. I believe his business is in bad shape but he still has 8 horses in his barn. My ex boyfriend, the guy that cheated on me with an old girlfriend, immediately got involved with someone else, was engaged in a month and a half and has been married for like ten years. He married a very beautiful, successful woman about ten years younger then him.

So now that my son is better I am starting to feel lonely. I am 46 now. When I initially came on here I was around 34. It is so hard to meet people at this age. I am just to the point where I thin men only want women who are 10 or 15 yeasr younger then them. I actually went ahead and dated a couple older men a few years after my divorce. I dated one for six months and he stalked me, mostly by phone but also physically, for a year. He never threatened me at all but would not leave me alone. The next one I dated three times and he called me and texted me for a month after I told him I didnt think it would work out. Nether of them threatened me they jsut would not leave me alone. My friend (male) said it was becasue they were older guys so now I am scared even to date someone 10 or 15 years older then me. In fact I am kind of scared to date at all becaue it is so hard to get people to leave you alone even when you never really had anything anyone could call a relationship. So there is that too I need help with. How does everyone else deal with that?


I never had problems dating before as in I was always asked out. I actually think I have aged well. I feel more attractive then I did in my twenties. I have tried to be a good girlfriend, wife, etc. and the men I was with seemed to want to keep me around. I had a good income before, not as high now but I can take care of myself. But why do they all treat me so bad? The men here seem so nice. Forgive me but I get to the point where I dont know if its real. I also see that almost every one of my friends is happily married or in a very good relationship at this point in their lives.

Even my two divorced freinds men very nice men within 6 months of their divorces. And how do I meet people that wont treat me bad? I know I used to be way too passive and accomidating but I have gotten help with that. What am I doing wrong, please HELP.

Jen

If you are having problems with dating, then maybe it's time to stop for awhile. Have you ever tried taking a break from men, dating, and relationships? From what you've written, it would appear that you've spent your time in either a relationship or looking for another one to replace the last one.

Have you considered some therapy to find out why you keep choosing loser boyfriends? Believe it, there ARE worse things in life than being alone. Maybe you need to learn how to be alone without being lonely.

There are many benefits to being unattached by choice. Spending your money how you want, taking off on a trip at a moment's notice, and doing what you want when you want without having to take in account the feelings of a SO are just a few.

Also, there are men out there who prefer us older women. I find men who are attracted to older confident women who are secure. Not all of them are smitten by the boozy three times in and out of rehab twenty-somethings with the perfectly taught thighs.

Yeah, what she said. I agree 100%.

Hi Jen,

although I would remember you better by your original screen name, I am sorry to hear about your past experiences. Please make sure that you get good medical attention for the rest of your life. I would also recommend good counseling, because you will have issues to deal with from your relationships. Your descriptions just gives me chills that you will have emotional biases which will impair your decision making in the future. Please get some counseling to both recover, and then secondarily, to understand why you were attracted to these types of men. personality types are present in all humans, in addition to abusive and disorders. Personality Traits are just a piece to understanding other humans, not the complete key.

I suspect that there are some subconscious attraction to these types, and professional counseling will help you uncover these issues. Likewise, I would also encourage you to develop some close "girlfriend" relationships which you can trust and get second opinions on about men. . .

so please get some "professional" counseling, and don't be in a rush to go "spouse hunting"

if you find comfort in posting, please post some more so that you can get some support here. . .

wiftty

I went to a counselor for a year and it was very helpful. I think I know why I seemed to attract these guys in the past, I was very passive from my upbringing. I learned that if I kept my mouth shut and and do what I was told then things would go better. Now that is not bad when you are 6 but its not good when you are a teen, or young adult and that was always the expectation, just do as I was told. I also had an dad that was a holic, he switched addictions. He was very lovable but still a holic.

I feel wonderful about myself. I like myself and know I am a very nice person. I didnt know that before counseling. I had myself under a microscope and was always finding fault with myself. Constantly trying to improve myself, nothing wrong with improving yourself but you also have to accept yourself and that is the peice I was missing.

I have great friends and girlfriends. Most of my close friends, not all, are from high school and college. I have let some people go since learning more about myself. I am careful about who I allow to be close to me now.

As far as dating, I have only dated 3 people in the past four years that I have being apart from my husband. One was for 2 months, another for 5 months and another I had three dates with. The two months guy I dated right after my divorce was final. I ran into him at my class reunion. He is a musician and as it turned out he had a drug problem that he was trying to hide. So that was the end of that.

Some months later I met the five month guy. The five month guy (13 yrs older then me), a contractor, started getting controlling and jealous and I ended it. He stalked me by phone and physically for a year. He just would not leave me alone. After about two months he stopped showing up and just kept on with the phone. I was getting loads of hang ups and when I star 68 it said private. Then I realized it was him calling and listening to my voice on the answering machine. When I took my voice off the machine he called my cell phone and started listening to that voice. I did not want to change all my numbers at the time because of my son's health problems. I dont want to get into all the details but he had so many different doctors in three differnt towns two fo them hours away. Sometimes they would call with results and we would need to go up there or something would be changed, etc.

This guy actually called me during one of my son's 8 hour surgeries and when I told him I could not talk to him and why he called me 2 more times before I had to turn off the phone which I did not want to do because at the time we had walked down to get something to eat and I was not in the surgery waiting area and I explained that to him. Well no need to go on with that. Needless to say I was not too excited about dating after this experience. Oops forgot one thing, I was under the impression that he was divorced. After we parted ways I found out he was married. He and his wife did not get along very well so she was always staying with a friend so it was easy for him to cover that little fact up. No wonder he was so jealous. Havent thought about this in a while. These two guys happened PRE counseling. But I cant say it would have turned out differntly if it had been post counseling. They both were hiding something and as soon as I saw it I bolted. I will say that my son being so sick was my main focus at the time so I probably want looking as closely as I now would. I will say that the five month guy was extremely supportive when he was with me and I think I was just devastated by my son's illness and looking for some support. Obviously it was all fake because he was not considerate afterwards at all.

So I did not date for another year.


As I said, I did not date much and certainly haven't been husband hunting because my son was sick and having surgeries etc for over 3 years and I needed to focus on him. I also focused on my couseling and understanding what was going on with me. Anyone that knew me would find it hilarious to hear I was husband hunting because I have a well known past of having commitment problems and never even knew if I wanted a husband. I left many relationships with many good people when they started talking about marriage. I think I also picked some people specifically BECAUSE I subcounsiously realized that I would never be able to get close to them. But I am well aware of all of this now and I am not scared of commitment anymore.

But I am afraid of dating because of the nut jobs that may not leave me alone if they turn out to be creeps.I have absolutely no fear of being alone, I have always had more fear of being with the wrong person.

This leads me to the third guy I dated over the past four years. He is my friend's father. Her parents divorced when she was a baby. He is divorcing after a ten year marriage. We were all going out together, not like a date. His divorce is not final yet so I know I should have sated away from this one. But, my friend and he both told me it wa a done deal and that part was true. I specifically asked my friend if they were divorcing because he cheated or was abusive and she said oh no. She said My Dad is just thick headed and forgetful, like he forgets her birthday sometimes and doesnt help out around the house enough. his wife also had a son that her dad thought was too spoiled and that casued lots of friction , so that is the story I got. She said he was blindsided by his wife wanting a divorce. Well after the group thing I saw him two more times and after the day after the second date he called me 16 times! I told him I did not want to date him anymore. He texted me and called me with me not answering the phone ever for over a month. That is until his ex wife that he was also still texting and calling and begging to come home called me and wanted to know if I was dating him because she wanted to get the divorce over but he would not sign the papers. She said she barely left her house because he showed up everywhere. Evidently my friend is not aware her dad is like this.

I am not going out to bars and meeting party people here, I have dated people I know or know through a friend. I guess I just feel like I really have my head on straight now and have a lot to offer. That just makes the whackiness of so many people so apparent now. I am getting lonely. I did all this work on myself and now I would just love to meet other people that also feel good about themselves etc. But I find most of them are married and happily and that makes sense.

I just feel like I missed the boat. IF only I had understood whatI do now, what some of my friends knew when they were 20, I feel like things would be different. At this age there are jsut a lotta whack jobs out there. And even if you pick it up quick and end it they still wont leave. So those are my two things. Where are the healthy people? And how to get rid of a nutty guy without getting stalked? I mean do you other women out there that are dating go through this stalking thinga a lot. Both my ex husbands were like this too but not as bad as the two guys I dated after my divorce! It is wears me out just thinking about it. Part of me just wants to stay here in my little cocoon and never date because at least then no one with bother me until I want to explode.

So you see I have done fine being alone for most of my life. I dont go from one relationship to another. I am not wired that way. I truely belive in my case the problem is that I could get comfortable here by myself and just get a few cats to grow old with. But I do not believe that is a good way to go.

Certainly, its better for my son to see me have a life. I have seen some women that stayed single and never dated again "for their children". I do not belive it to be healthy in the long term. The children often grow up to feel responsible for taking care of their mother even when they are adults. I have seen so many of them having trouble moving on from their childhood and into their own lives because one of them at least already has the job of being mom's companion or looking after her house, car etc. i do not want that for my son. Whether I ever marry again or not I think it is important for him to see me have my own life and not feel like I am a burden to carry on his back. I want him to feel free to go out on his own when he is an adult without looking back wondering if I will be ok on my own. I want to have the safe place he can always come back to, which I will. But I think it is very important for children to feel like their parents have a full life so that they can focus on being a kid or a young adult. And no matter what anyone says I dont believe that life is full without someone to share it with.

In the past I felt differently. But now I believe that life is truely met to be shared and I believe the Bible backs me up on that one. And in fact developing more spiritually has been part of my counseling. And certainly it was delivered by a professional. Its like after I got my counseling from the psychologist, reading the Bible was even different and made more sense. Imagine that?

thanks to anyone who has or will respond. I do still need help but more in the where are the quality people area and how do I end things without being harassed area.

I honestly don't know the answers and I haven't been on my own long enough. My divorce isn't complete yet (1 yr anniversary coming up in 2 weeks so should be shortly after that). But in my brief time as newly single, I have been pursued by 2 bar creeps and a vegetarian stalker. The bar creeps were just run-of-the-mill guys trying to pick me up at the bar - something you mention you wanted to avoid and I don't blame you. But they're the easiest to handle. I went on 1 date with the vegetarian stalker. I didn't even think it was going to be a date - we'd met at a meeting and I thought the whole group from our table was coming but it turned out to be just me and him. It was obvious early on that we were mismatched - I'm a smoker, he's a health nut. Nevertheless, he called me about 25 times a day after that day and came by my house twice. He would get mad at me if I refered to WSTBXH as my H - even though it was only a few months since the separation and I'd been calling him that for 17 years!!! I finally had to "break up" with him. It was a 90 minute phone conversation where I used all the cliche lines (it's not you, it's me etc. - need puke icon here!). He continued to call for about a week but I never answered the phone and he eventually stopped.

I've been compiling a must-have list based on these experiences, as well as based on the people I seem to connect with the best. The obvious must haves: employed and own his own place - I won't bend on these. They also have to have been married before (vegetarian stalker had never been). If a guy makes it to 40 without ever being married, something has to be wrong with him. Not only that, a previously married guy is going to have more understanding for the things I have to deal with regarding WSTBX. Obviously, they can't be currently married. I also don't want any part of any vegetarian or any other cult-like behavior. I want to be able to go to any restaurant, any movie or any place that I want.

I have been seeing a guy who is actually younger than me but fits all of the above. He's a very decent guy and a great catch, but we are not headed towards any sort of LTR. We are more like companions who share a similar past with similar pain that are walking down the same road together. Though people on the outside may see it as a waste of time to be involved with someone in this way, it's been my saving grace to have a companion like this without feeling the usual pressures. And he keeps the bar creeps (and vegetarian stalkers) away. So they are out there.