ok...i'm fairly new here, and this is only my 2nd post. I posted how my husband had cheated on me, and the anger i was fighting. I got a lot of good advice, and input. Here's the problem: My h read the posts, and said that i'm not getting accurate advice. Bottom line, he cheated on my via the computer, cyber, cybersex, personal telephone calls to women on line, secret e-mail accounts, the whole cyber-yard. What makes this unique to our relationship is that he and i met online, in a chat room. When we were married 1 1/2 years ago, we worded our vows of fidelity to include the computer since it's a very special and sensitive area for us. We vowed to remain faithful in "all" ways. Only the two of us knew what it meant, but it was important to us. So...he wanted me to clear up the air here, let you know that he never was physical with anyone, so you will now probably tell me how much easier this will be to get over, doesn't hurt as badly as if it had been physical, and all of that. Well, if that's true, ok, let me have it. All i know is my hurt is real, the deception killed me, and to me if physical cheating was a 10 on the scale of hurt, this, to me, is a 9. If my past with him were different, maybe it would be easier.... help me

My H's affairs (there were 2) were emotional ONLY and it KILLED ME!!<P>Your H may not have been physical, and at least you won't have to worry about STD's... but emotionally???? JUST AS HARD!!!<P>And that is the truth!! <P>Tell him that pain is pain is pain... and it ALL HURTS!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

jily-<P>All I can say, is your H is WRONG. It is the emotional part of the relationship my H had w/ OW that torn me up. <BR>Yes, they did have sex, but their emotional ties to each other was already there.<BR>When you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful, in any way, it hurts like hell.<BR>What you are dealing with is VERY REAL. It is PAIN, no matter if there is sex involved of not.<BR>My h actually told me that he had sex with her because I told him it didn't matter, since the emotions were already there. He justifies everything.<BR>You need to feel all of what you are feeling. Dont let him try and tell you that it is all in your head, that it is no big deal. What he did WAS wrong. He broke your marriage vows.<P>Keep posting. You will get a huge amount of help here.<P>God Bless,<P>c<BR>

There's a new movie out we all must see - don't know the title but Bruce Willis says - "It can't be an affair, we were just typing"

I understand that a cyber relationship is very hurtful, but in two weeks I go for HIV testing and to ask about other STD's because it will then have been six months since his 'last time' with the OW. She was sleeping with my H., the Boss, and her husband at the same time, so the exposure is multiplied. I know you are hurting, but please count your blessings!<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P>

Its the emotional part of my w's affair that I'm having the most problems with now. The sex I can live with(at least so far)but communication was always our problem.<BR>She told me how much she and om would just sit and talk and now I feel like I have to strain to talk to her. When she talks to me she ends up bringing up what her and om did that was fun(like going to a gun show?).

If it had just been sex I think my H would still be at home but it is emotional also. But hurt is hurt no matter the cause. You don't hurt any less because he didn't have sex he still was unfaithful. He broke his vows to you and that is what infidelity means. Get the book "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman it explains what infidelity and detrayal means. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

jily,<P>Thought you would appreciate a male-betrayer perspective on this.<P>I had an emotional affair with a co-worker. I never became physical. Never even held her hand. Nevertheless, my wife was devastated. We're still trying to recover, and it's been around 4 months since discovery.<P>So don't be fooled. Just cuz an affair isn't physical, doesn't make it any less painful for the betrayed.<P>--andy

<BR>My wife's emotional affair caused me more pain that I knew existed. <P>I don't know if it's easier to get over this than it would be to get over a physical affair but I hope and pray I never have to know.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Hi jily<P>Sorry to hear you're a member of the same club. I went through the same thing and it's hell. Even nearly a year later, I'm still suffering over it. Does that sound like nothing to your H? No big deal, just because there's no sex? He should think again.<P>Tell him to read this article and get a clue. Cyber and emotional affairs can be just as devastating as sexual affairs. Sometimes worse:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.vaughan-vaughan.com/ubb2/Forum11/HTML/000001.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.vaughan-vaughan.com/ubb2/Forum11/HTML/000001.html</A>

Jily and H,<P>I don't mean to pile on here, but...<P>Emotional infidelity is excrutiatingly painful for the betrayed. Perhaps the added insult of sex makes it worse for some (there have been discussion threads on this very topic). But don't minimize or rationalize away the damage done by an non-physical affair. The duplicity, lies, deceit, and utter betrayal involved in such a relationship are more than enough to kill many marriages. <P>Jily's H, if you value your marriage you need to stop the behavior and apologize unequivocally for the pain you caused. And be prepared to have to re-earn Jily's trust.

Hi Jily. Mind if I dive in???????<P>I think it's totally outrageous that he thinks this is "nothing" .... <P>IT'S HOW HE MET HIS CURRENT WIFE! HELLO?<P>You remember the feelings that were exchanged long before the touches began. That is more devastating and powerful than he even realizes.<P>And he broke a VERY SPECIFIC vow you both agreed to in your wedding vows. I am amazed that he has such a flippant attitude about the whole thing.<P>

An emotional affair is an emotional affair regardless of how it is committed. It could have happened at his job or over the same phone line only verbally rather than through his typing on the computer.<P>He has betrayed his vow to keep himself only for you in that respect which was not just to you but to God. Don't know if either of you are Christians, but in God's eyes it still is not an excuse for what he has done or may still be doing.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

jily:<P>My W has told me countless times that it would have been better to just have sex with the OW than to get emotionally involved. Although I had no sex with the OW, my wife is devastated. It has been a year since the so-called affair that wasn't and we haven't gotten over it yet. So if your H reads these posts, he will soon see that it is the emotions and not the sex that makes an affair a devastating event. If sex is added to the emotions then you might never really recover.<P>I know what I won't ever be doing again.<P>Good luck<P>Flip

Jily, dear, do you believe in the bible? If you were married and these things meant so much to you then you know that the thought is GREATER than the action at times. Would you ever even think of doing these things on your H? I doubt it. Sometimes the thought is worse than the action. It was harder for me to accept my H thoughts on OW not the physical part of this. He may be in denial and is arguing about our posts. But most of us are survivors in one form or another, and have gotten through this hardship by reading, admitting to our problems, and searching for the truth in our lives. If you feel it was valid advice and helpful to you then do continue on here, we enjoy company and welcome you, even your H when he realizes the depth of what he's done to you. God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Jily, I found two more boards for you to look at, both regarding cyber affairs:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com/discus/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.wildxangel.com/discus/</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://boards2.ivillage.com/messages/get/rlcyber10.html?outline=-1" TARGET=_blank>http://boards2.ivillage.com/messages/get/rlcyber10.html?outline=-1</A> <P>Hope these help.

please keep these posts coming in! They are helping SOOO much! I might add that i think H was suprised by the outpouring of support. I posted this a little, ok, a lot out of anger that he thought i should be more exact about his affair....but now i'm glad i did. He's needed to see it and I needed to see it. I feel so validated....thanks thanks thanks ! ! !

He doesnt consider it an affair? Well when would he ? You know it leads to talking on the phone, then a face to face meeting.Sounds kind of like my husband, they only spent one weekend together ,whats the big deal ,right? For two years he lied to me,<BR> he cheated in his heart and of course they<BR> met in person and had sex.He told her he loved her many times and promised to leave me, all the while acting like the good husband.Yuck, makes me sick to think about it.

To me, the emotional destruction is far worse than the physical one. If your husband doesn't think anything is wrong, he's fooling himself. <P>You don't have to tell us your hurt - we know and we understand exactly the suffering you are feeling. The pain IS real. And it hurts more than any physical pain I have ever experienced.<P>SHA

jily:<P>Glad we could help you through this, but try to keep things in perspective. Don't get smug about it, ok? He needs to understand what he did, but you need to understand that he might have some reasons which involve you. So you have to work together with neither one being the winner or loser. He has to work hard at getting your trust back but you have to work hard to trust him again, OK?<P>Good luck..<P>Flip<BR>