This is my first post here, my wife had been posting here for a while since she found out about my affair. Hope4happiness.

It's taken me a while to really understand how much I was hurting her with my affair with a CW and now I want to become the person I should have been all along. I've been reading many books and am starting counceling on wed. Cut off contact with the OW and am looking for a different job. However it may be too late.

I started my affair back in June of 07' and it went on throughout the summer. Hope called me on it in sept. and I couldn't stand to not be with the OW, she filled many of my EN. I moved out of the house hope and I shared to continue the affair. Did that for a while untill Hope and I started txt'ing each other and sending naughty pics. We eventually had sex and I moved back in with Hope. I thought that I could get over the OW. I was wrong. I wasn't willing to put in the work to rebuild her trust and our marrige. I started seeing the OW again first in secret, and then when confronted in full view of Hope. I was angry one day and told Hope that I wanted a Divorce; I really didn't but that's the way I deal with being confronted.

I still didn't move out of the house Hope and I shared,because deep down I feel i couldn't leave Hope.We still had fun and sex together. Eventually Hope and the OW started hanging out together. We all ended up having a 3some. Hope tells me that it was a last ditch effort to keep herself in our marrige.

I've come to find out that she has been talking to a guy she met a couple months ago, and that she's in love with him. She hasn't slept with him, but talks and txt's him very often. I have cut all contact with the OW but Hope hasn't. But she claims that I had my chance to work out our differences, and wants to move on. She typed me a letter saying that she wants me to fix myself and that one day we may get back with one another.

I feel as though we could be stronger than ever before but we just keep missing each other in wanting to fix this. She wants to read the books with me and go to counseling, I am pretty lost atm and need some advice.

Briefly: you are not taking responsibility for your actions. Your post is filled with deflections and blame shifting. Your W surely recognizes this. She also probably believes that the only reason you are interested in working things out is because she has found someone else.

While she is just as wrong as you were in having an affair, that does NOT excuse or justify your A. You were the one to CHOOSE to put your M in a position where she was likely to have an A. Doesn't excuse her, but it is real.

The plans here address how to end an A. Plan A involves becoming the best spouse you can be, fixing YOUR problems, SHOWING these changes to your W at every opportunity, identifying and meeting her needs at every opportunity. It also describes tactics to attack and end the A.

You do not say how old you and your W are, how long you have been married, whether or not you have kids. This is important information that will help others help you.

Sorry you are here. It sounds like you've made quite a mess of things. One thing I do know, there is always hope. It starts with YOU, you really have to figure that out to have a chance.

Dang dude, you have your work cutout for you.

Your W submitted to having a thressome in order to try and save the marriage. That was probably one of the most terribly painful things she's ever done.

That and your affair are things which I'm sure have destroyed her love bank. She sounds tapped out.

You have your work cut out for you and a sliver of hope because she tells you that you need to fix yourself.

So what to do now?

First and foremost, write the NC letter to the other woman and then live it. Never speak to her again.

Second, apologize non stop to your W. You can never do it enough and it will be a way to reassure her you are sorry for what you did.

Third, start filling her EN's. If you don't know them, then find out what they are.

If she's been on this site, then she's familiar with SH and his concepts. Get the books, read them, put them into action.

Here's the thing: Words mean nothing and actions mean everything. You destroyed her world and have a lot of work to do to show her you can recover your marriage.

Your old marriage is destroyed. You must now build a new one and the burden is on YOU to win her back. YOU must do the work. YOU must become the man she has been wanting to see.

This is the place to get the truth. You will be slammed with 2x4s regularly and deservedly so, but if your intent is honest about getting your W back, then this is the place to get the truth, as painful as it may be.

I'm amazed she had a threesome with you and OW. The pain she must have suffered doing that must have been tremendous. Her self esteem must have been in the gutter to submit to such a terrible thing as watching her husband do things with another woman while she was there.

Absolutely terrible for her to do that to please you.

Apologize non stop and beg her to forgive you. If she forgives you, keep apologizing and never stop telling her how sorry you are for what you've done and how grateful you are for her to forgive you.

Get the books on this site and others like it. Yes, there are books written about this. The trauma you have subjected your W to is the equivalent of rape in its severity. It's even worse in your case because she has actual images of her husband doing things with another woman and they are vivid events she witnessed personally and subjected herself to.

There is always hope, but this is a mighty mountain you have to climb.

I'm not very good at putting my thoughts down on paper so to say. I am the one that decided to have an affair, not only just to have the affair but to pursue it again after moving back in with Hope. 4/11/8 was our 7th year of being with each other 6.5 years married. She is 26 and I am 28. We have 2 children together ages 2 and 6 now. "just had their birthdays". I want to become a better person and I know that I can.

I regret the 3some we had, I believe it was sort of a last ditch effort to keep Hope in my life as well. My feelings for the OW had been dwindling for a good month now, and it was becoming more of a sexual affair and not so much emotional. I had told the OW that I was willing to "give her a chance" but I have been lieing to her from the start of the 2nd half of our affair. I'm not trying to say I'm not at fault here, I know very well that I am. I have a lot of things I need to work on myself, I just need some help.

The first step is to end the A Wrongdoer. End it PERMANENTLY. No holding on to OW as a backup plan in case you can't recover your marriage.

Until the A is over, you won't be ABLE to begin recovering your M.

No Contact with OW, for life, no emails, no texts, no "hi how ya doin", no working together. The A has to be completely, irrevocably OVER. I would suggest you write a No Contact letter to OW, have your Wife read it, seal it, and mail it. Then change your email addresses and phone numbers. You don't do this as a bargaining chip in dealing with your W's affair, you do this because it is the way it starts.

Until you are willing to do this, there's no point in trying to move forward.

I am reading the books and have completed my letter to the OW.

Hope wants to move apart now. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not?

Don't move apart. You can't recover your marriage by living in separate houses.

What this means is that you must start taking action now. Show actions, not words, and become transparent to her.

Give her your cell phone daily so she can see your calls. Let her read your emails and let her access it as much as she wants. Check in with her regularly on your wherabouts.

Let her see you trying to regain her trust.

Romance her. Wine and dine her.

Show her the man she fell in love with. Win her heart back.

Recharge your religion and start going to church again.

Show repentance and remorse to your W.

DONT MOVE OUT!

Moving apart generally makes recovery more difficult. That doesn't mean its the wrong thing to do.

However, it is typical WS behavior to want to separate to "have some time to think" or "clear thier head" or "find themselves". What all these things mean is "I want to continue my affair without interference."

You are in a tough spot, because she is going to use your A to justify her A. She is going to throw everything you have done in your face to get you to back off, then throw your objections to that in your face as well. Then, when you get mad and lose your cool, it will just reaffirm to her that you are not sincere and further feed her entitlement.

You're going to need patience for this. I hope you've got it and are committed.

I'd suggest you post your letter here for review.

OW. Life is filled with learning expieriences and what we've done was wrong it was wrong from the start and we both knew it. I have to make myself a better person for myself and my family.

I don't want to be in contact with you anymore. No calls, emails, txts. While I'm at work I can't talk to you when you come in for that hour. I'm trying to find another job now.

You will move on and have a good life. I can only hope that I can re-build my marrige to Hope and stay stead fast with her.

You've completely put yourself between a rock and a hard place with your actions. It's almost like you can't refuse because you did it yourself and got yourself to this point. I'm sure many will disagree with what I'm going to say, but do not agree to separation. Separation will only make it easier to carry out her affair, allow her to get deeper into the affair, AND it will cost you custody of your children.

My suggestion to you would be just to ensure there is NC with your OW, work on yourself, stick it out in the same house while meeting her ENs, avoiding LBs, and not expecting your ENs to be met. This may very well take a year or more, but it can be done. Also, follow these rules:

Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

You need to get a new job ASAP. Even that letter will not be acceptable at all to your BW with OW being able to make contact with you whenever she wants. Getting a new job should be priority #1 before anything else.

Yeah it is I put together my resume and am giving it to one of the guys at work. He's already talked to his boss and wants to see it. So it is top priority. I've already told my boss I'm out looking for something else and she said she'll look around for me, at the company.

I disagree with the "Don'ts" listed above in your situation. You're the wayward and she's had her lovebank drained.

You do need to tell her you love her A LOT!

You do need to apologize A LOT!

You do need to reassure her a lot and be kind and understanding to her pain and keep showing her how you've changed.

Some small revision:

"OW. [s]Life is filled with learning expieriences and[/s] What we've done was wrong it was wrong from the start. I am choosing to make myself a better person for myself and my family.

I don't want to will not be in contact with you anymoreever again. No calls, emails, txts. While I'm at work I can'twill not talk to you. I request that you respect this decision and ask that you not attempt to contact me ever again as well. "

The point being that this is your CHOICE. This is not something your W is making you do, this is something you WANT to do.

I would also say that it will be absolutely necessary for you to find a new job, and if you choose not to (really I don't think its negotiable) that you need to make yourself FULLY accountable to your W in the time that OW might be at your work. Whether that being taking your lunch break when OW might be there and going home or whatever it takes.

Well, he should say it, but if she doesn't want to hear it, or if she disagrees that he has changed, he should shut up, not argue, and just show it.

Lots of small acts of love and kindness. Don't overdo it. Just think of small thoughtful things.

Well I talked to our bosses today and the OW has turned in her notice of resignation. Which makes it easier to find a job "meaning I can take a little more time". However in the mean time "2 weeks" I still have to avoid the OW at all costs. I was txting Hope tonight and she kept pushing me away at every txt we sent. It seems I make a small step forward untill she talks to her OM. I spoke to my co-worker and he let me leave early. When I got home Hope was sitting on her computer chatting away and the second she seen me come in got very upset.

I admit I lost my cool trying to find out what she was doing or talking to."though I'm sure it was her OM" And it's no excuse but after being pushed all day and then coming home to more of it, I couldn't help it. She told me that we were over and that she didn't want me around anymore. She then packed up the kids and went to a neighbors because I took all the keys to the cars that are in my name.

I know all this will take time and me showing her my change is all I can do but how can she see any change if she won't look away from her OM. I feel like I shouldn't pay for the phone bill and take the internet, and car keys away.

Her mother and father are marrige counselers, and now her mom is coming over to try and talk with us. I really don't know if it's best to be talking with a bias counceler like this but it's really all I can do right now.

One more thing on moving. . Our lease is up at the end of next month so I don't think I'll have much choice but to move apart.

Have her come back here.

Perhaps we can help.

I asked her to add to this thread today, but she kept telling me that she didn't know what to type. I don't know that she wants anything to do with me after all the hurt I've put her through. She told me that she read the thread, and that its pretty close to what's happen. So I asked her to fix it, add to it.

Hope:

I know you're hurting. I have been on your end of things.

It sucks.

Your bank is drained and you're tired.

The poor SOB that doesn't deserve your forgiveness is now asking for it.

The pain you've suffered is tremendous, but perhaps he's turned a corner.

If you have children, think of them.

They want mom and dad to be together. Don't kid yourself about it. Divorce sucks.

The kids get split up and get shuttled between homes. The two of you will fight and argue for years about what's happened and in the end, your kids will see the two people they love the most in this world not stand to talk to each other.

I've been on the end of that equation as a child and it sucks.

You have nothing to lose by giving him the benefit of the doubt if he is truly sorry.

You're still married. He's in the dog house and it appears that he's willing to stay there for a while.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

He sounds like he wants to be a better man and that he finally recognizes the pain he's caused you. It's a pain I know all too well.

Come talk to us. Vent to us. Perhaps we can help.