Hello, I just found this board today in looking for some support and/or advice. I'm a little overwhelmed by the amount of information here, so I thought I would share my story and see if more experienced members care to comment.

I've been married for about 10 months, and I've been with my husband for about 3.5 years now (and living together nearly all that time). He constantly tells me that I'm beautiful, sexy, etc. and that he loves me. He has a much stronger religious faith and spirituality than I do, and takes our marriage vows very seriously. He is also generally very honest and forthright, or so I thought.

Very early on in our relationship, he confessed to me that he is addicted to porn. At the time I thought it was very honest for him to tell me this and I took it as an indication of his sincerity. I look at porn myself sometimes, when the mood strikes--maybe once a month--and we often watch it together. I enjoy seeing what turns him on, showing him what I like, and generally sharing the experience. We've discussed getting help for him, but we've just had too many other things going on to devote the energy to it.

Some of the things he fantasizes about are a little too kinky for me, and while I don't find them offensive or repulsive, I just don't get why they are sexy. He is particularly turned on by female domination, humiliation, and orgasm denial, and he would really like me to take charge of him and control when he is allowed to orgasm. I often play along for a while or try the techniques on him in bed anyway, because he enjoys it. It's really not in my nature to act that way, and it's kind of exhausting to keep it up for long periods of time.

We've discussed it extensively and he's always said that while he likes to fantasize about it he didn't think that he could tolerate it for long in real life. Frankly, I've been happy to let him watch whatever kinky videos he wants to get it out of his system, so to speak, because I'm just not turned on by it. I figured that it was a reasonable enough way for him to indulge in his fantasies without keeping it a hidden and shameful secret, which I thought was really damaging his self-esteem and causing him to be depressed.

However, I made it clear that I wanted to know what he was doing. I was under the impression that he was fairly open with me about his porn viewing, both the kinds of things he liked to watch and how often. I've started to realize, however, that I have grossly underestimated and misunderstood just how much he uses porn.

We have an office in our spare bedroom, and every time I leave the room, he is immediately looking up porn. I've caught him masturbating many times. Earlier this year we were really struggling financially, and he casually left the receipts for an online porn subscription lying on top of his desk. It really hurt my feelings at the time, because he hadn't bought me a birthday present, citing a lack of money, yet here he had spent a good chunk of cash on porn. I found out that he is actively looking up content on adult "friend finder" sites, professional dominatrix sites, amateur porn, and so on--he swore to me that he was only looking at the free sample pictures and had never contacted anyone.

A few months ago, I decided to snoop on him a little bit, but he's a lot more computer savvy than I am, and he caught me. For the most part, I didn't find out anything that I didn't already know and that we had talked about openly. We had a big discussion about what he was up to, and he said that he was upset with me for snooping at first, but then realized that he vowed when we got married to "forsake all others", and that everything that he does should be open to me. He promised me again that he was only looking.

Recently he's been chatting by IM with someone I don't know, and he always closes the window when I come into the room. He doesn't keep a log of his IM messages, so I can't go back and see what they have been talking about. He used to not mind it if I saw what messages he was getting on his mobile phone, but recently he's been acting secretive about that, too. I got suspicious last night and had a look at his message inbox while he was busy in the other room masturbating.

I found that he has been chatting by SMS with another woman, and exchanging graphic photos and video clips. He has sent this woman pictures of himself masturbating, and based on the time stamps, he must be doing this while he is at work! In one of the messages he only refers to me as his "partner", not his wife, and says that I'm too sweet to take charge of him in the way he wants. I'm not certain but I think that this woman works for a paid service--in other words, a virtual prostitute/dominatrix. I don't think they've met in person, but now I'm not sure.

Several times recently he has been uninterested in having sex with me, and I'm starting to wonder if he is taking orders, so to speak, from his virtual mistress, and/or is exhausted from masturbating at work before he comes home. I'm suspicious that he is only willing to respond to my advances on days that she has given him permission to. In any case, even though it's only by mobile phone message, I consider it to be cheating because he has violated that boundary between looking and interacting.

I don't really know what to do. I haven't confronted him yet, and I think my lenient and open attitude towards the porn has probably made this situation a lot more difficult than it should be.

On the one hand, I could indulge his fantasies completely and get all of the necessary chastity and bondage gear. I imagine presenting him with the chastity device, making him think it's just a sexy game, lock him up--and then tell him that I know what he's been doing, and start acting like the girls in his videos--controlling his internet access, making him show me what he is looking at at any given time, etc., and giving him ways to earn the right to a normal relationship again.

On the other hand, to me this puts sex--specifically, his pleasure--at the center of our relationship. Although I would ostensibly be in charge, it means that I would have to be completely absorbed in his fantasy. It changes me from a wife and an equal partner into a fetish and an object. All of the things that we like to do together and that we like about each other become subverted to his fantasy world, and I don't like that at all.

I just want him to be honest with me. The thing that hurts me about this is that he's lied to me about contacting other women, and in particular sending pictures of himself to them seems like sharing something that I should have exclusive right to, now that we're married. After all, isn't that what "forsaking all others" means?

Sorry for this incredibly long post, but thank you for the opportunity to vent.

SadPanda:
I am so sorry you need to be here, but these people have answers that can be near impossible to figure out yourself. Weekends are slow for posting but now maybe someone can help you.
That website, adult friend finder, must be #1 in the ruining of marriages. My husband used that site to have 3 one night stands but #3 became a yearlong physical affair.
It may be a small consulation, but my heart goes out to you for your pain. Stay strong!
~wadeallie

I have trouble with defining myself and others as an addict. Nor am I qualified to make that diagosis. If you take the thinking behind most additction programs like AA they say once and addict always an addict. So they are not able to ever have a drink again. This also goes for drug users. So am I as a " sex addict" unable to ever have a health sexual encounter with my spouse again? I don't think so. There is care that should be taken to keep the activity in a safe encounter.

I don't think that having respectful SF with my spouse will necessarily lead to me looking at porn again. But that does not mean that I open myself up to having easy and open access to it. It will always be a temptation. But I have the ability to make a choice. I don't have to give into the temptation.

As for your H's behavior. He is clearly doing something that you are not comfortable with. The likely hood that he is being controlled by a dominatrix is not out of the question. This is am area that I don't really understand and not sure what path would work best for ending the affair. Hopefully others will post her soon and give you some additional advise.

The first step to recovering from infidelity is the WS agreeing to NC with the other person for life.

In the case of your H, his OP could be a specific OP, that being the dominatrix (or quite literally whore if she is a paid sex worker), it is also most definitely the porn in general that can be loosely classified as an OP.

However, you need to be aware that MB principles do not work for addicts, whether that be drug addiction or sex/porn addiction. Recovery can not be effective until the addiction is dealt with. Trying to use MB principles on an addict doesn't work because the principles fuel the addicts entitlement and lead to further abuse of the betrayed spouse.

Hopefully others with more experience will step in to help.

Here's a great resource you and your husband may choose to utilize to address his porn addiction. The website contains a "30 days to purity Plan" as well as great accountability tools such as a porn filter for your internet connection(s).

Your husband should allow you to keylog his home AND work computers and if he resists you MAY need to expose his problem to his employer.

Here is the link: 30 days to Purity at xxxchurch.com


Best of luck...you and your husband are in my prayers.

Mr. Wondering

Another ministry to try is Pure Life Ministries. http://www.purelifeministries.org/index.cfm

They have some programs that may help you out including a live in program. They also help the wives overcome the years of hurt.

Porn is an addiction. 6 years later I still find the hidden evidence and have to relive the horror of all the times before that included EA's with multiple OW online.

Get some real help and take it very seriously. COSA meetings for you SA meetings for him. The bad part is it's like living with a bipolar person, they don't think they have a problem and they make empty promises.

Don't lose your dignity for someone else and don't compromise. It tears you up and sucks the life out of you. Trust me.

SadPanda, to establish a point of reference, may I ask what,if anything, would you do differently had you the opportunity to go back in time to a place where you were yet in the planning stages of your marriage?

Your post is well written and my perception is you have no lack of intelligence. I don't say this to flatter. My only concern is that you move your marriage onto an healthy and solid foundation while in it's early stage if this is possible.

What your H has introduced into the marriage will dash it on the rocks and needs to be purged.