I posted on a different sight under recovering and someone told me I should try here instead..

I have posted before, probably 6 months ago or so, things are different now and I kinda would like some advice. Not really sure if this is the right place to go.

WH moved out of town to work over 2 years ago, was back and forth on weekends. Ended up having affair with Secretary...he had known as she went there to work too. Married over 30 years..now says the typical never wanted to be married in the first place...I never got to do what I want...so on and so on. To make a long story shorter, if that is possible. I worked on us and forgave went there to stay, came home, back and forth. He had said the whole time they were not seeing or speaking any more, until he came home one day in Sept. and said he was taking her back with him....she had since moved back here in July...I feel to get him to make his move to choose her over us.The family still were trying to make him see the error of his ways and at Christmas he quit his job and came home...pressure from me and the kids was making him feel he had to I guess. It was very out of the blue. He said they had decided it was the right thing to do. They decided mind you. They were supposed to have no contact with each other any more. Of course now they were both back here together and they called and talked to each other all the time, I found out later. In March he called one day from work and said he would not be coming home again ever...not even to get his clothes or anything. I was to tell the children because he can not face us. We have not heard anything from him other than a text to tell me he would put money in the bank when he could...as if he thinks that is all we want him for. We have 3 children and 3 grandchildren..a 14 year old still at home.
He called him once and left a voice mail saying he loved hima nd he would always be his father and he could call him if he wanted, he did not want to. That is the last we have heard from him.
Sorry I guess this is longer than I thought.
So my question is....what do I do now? I have gotten a job and I am doing much better now that he has left again, mainly because the man who was here as my son so eloquently said " That man in there is not my DAD". And that is what it feels like. I don;'t miss the person who was here this time. He was a stranger, Alcohol is playing a part...he never drank before. Now he does all the time. The woman he is with is 14 years younger and been married and divorvced 3 times. But still he chose that life over us. What do I do, I can not afford a divorce and he I am sure will e happy to just excist without one. I do not even know where he is. Mind you this is the Dad and father who loved us all dearly...we thought,no fighting, and a wonderful husband. I have never said a bad thing about him in my life, I am not overweight and I take care of myself so that is not the reason. Just don't love you like a husband is supposed to...who is this alein creature that has invaded his body and how do you get it to go away? I miss the old person not this one.

Don't even know what I am asking for just very confused as to what happens next.

Thanks for you time.

Welcome, and sorry you're here.

What you do next depends on a lot of things.

Do you want a divorce? If he decides in six months to come back to your home, will you let him in the door? (you don't have to know, but think about it.) What are your state's options regardin Legal Separation. My state, PA, doesn't have Legal separation.

Supposing you want a divorce, what makes you say you cannot afford one? Many states provide legal counsel for those who cannot afford a private attorney. There are also legal clinics.

Have you worked before in your marriage? Can you support yourself? If not, after 30 years, you will be entitled to some sort of alimony, although it may be only for a few years. You'll also be entitled to half of his retirment, in most states.

Regardless, since you have a minor living at home, you need to contact Social Services, or the equivelent, and file for child support. Do that tomorrow. Also, you need to open a bank account in your own name. If you have joint savings accounts, you need to go in and take out at least half, before he does, or monitor them. Also, make copies of all statements and tax returns. If you have credit cards with him, you need to get your name off them.

The problem with not filing for divorce or legal separation is that you are still married. That means he can ruin you financially and there is little you can do about it. He can stop paying the mortgage, and there you are. Also, if, heaven forbid, someone dies and you inherit money, he could claim part of it in some states.

So, if I were you, I'd figure out your state's laws, and talk to an attorney, even if that means going to the legal aid office.

I know this is mind-blowing after 30 years. It stinks. Just try to protect yourself so that after you get over the mess he made, your life can go on and get better.

I guess our situation is wierd, I have only worked part time at jobs because of family obligations. (My Mother has lived downstairs in an apartment my Husband built for my parents when my father became ill). Long story short I do not have a career by any means. He has always been self employed and there is no retirement.

I did not know that there are places you can go to get legal help as this is something I never imagined in my life. We have alot of debt, he is out of town still and like I said I have no idea where he is. He is putting money in the joint account but he does not use it, it is for us. He has always had his own business accounts. He is only putting in 1/3 of what he used to, but I am now working...32 hours a week. Will have benefits the 1st of May. That will help a little. I do not know if he is only putting less in because he is now paying his own bills and since he is in construction you never know what the pay will be depending on the weather, and I know it has been raining alot.

He wants no contact with any of us, and quite frankly I am not up to talking with him.

No I would not want him back like he is now, I do not know this person at all. Maybe I never did, maybe the man that we all thought he was never really was there. I truly do not know anymore. I am going tomorrow to open up my own account so that I can transfer the money he puts in into it. Also we have no other joint accounts, he owns the house but if I do not get allimony I will have to sell it anyway. I can not afford it, even though it is not an expensive house by any means.

I opened up a life insurance policy on myself and him at work that will also start at the beginning of the month. For now that is all I have done, although when he left this time he left everything, so I can make copies of his tax info and I have the bank statements to show what he had been putting in the bank before. Other than that I am on hold I guess, truly do not want to be the one to get the divorce only because I feel he should have to do something...bear some responsibility. Don't know if that is the right thing to do or not. Thank you for your advice.

I'm so sorry. Please get your legal and financial issues taken care of this week, before he changes his mind and decides he no longer owes you anything. It happens! Protect yourself. You are smart to move the money into a new account.

Well, unless he was cheating the government, there will be taxes paid, Social Security, etc. Ask your lawyer to take care of it. Money well spent. And next time you talk to your H, tell him how much the lawyer bill is, and tell him he had darn well better pay it, or you'll sick the lawyer on him. Sorry if that sounds rude, but I see so very many times that, once the man is gone, he 'forgets' what he owes the family, and just disappears, leaving you in the dust. Protect your family!

Please go to United Way, unitedway.org, and find the closest office. Call or go there, give them your situation, and they can give you a consolidation of agencies that will help you. Someone like you is exactly what they are there for, and what millions of people put in voluntary funds to help you out with. Take advantage of it!

Ask your son to help you search for a new place together. Make it something you do as a team; he needs to be needed and valuable at a time like this, especially at his age - he is now the man of the house, whether it is ever verbalized or not; it's instinctive for him to want to protect you. Let him, to an extent, but don't let him worry about the grown up things like money or insurance or taxes.

As time goes on, you might consider signing him up (with his permission) in Big Brothers. He can really blossom with having a man in his life that exhibits the right morals and fortitude, so he can learn the right way.

I wish I had better hope for you for getting your husband back, but it just doesn't sound like it's going to happen. So make a great life with your son; he'll love you for it.

Cat has great ideas, BUT you shouldn't be doing anything without your lawyer's approval.

Did you know you own half of the growth in your husband's company since you've been married. For example, if his company's worth was 20,000 when you got married and it's now 200,000 you are entitled to $90,000. 200,000-20,00= 180,000. 180,000/2=90,000.

Also, you really need to talk to a lawyer about the job deal. My mother was going to get a job, and the lawyer told her no. My mother had taken care of everything for my dad since she was 19. I don't think anyone should mooch, but if you can only work part-time, you should only work part time.

Also, 1/3 is unacceptable. You really need to talk to the agency that handles child support. Try Health and Human Services, or Child Services. Child support isn't about you, it's about your child.

Keep all the papers. If your husband does contact you and wants you to agree to anything... don't until you talk to your lawyer.

Don't worry about the debt. You can use your equity in his business to negotiate on that. Chances are he can't afford to buy you out of his business, and he certainly won't want you as a partner if you divorce. So, you can release some of the company in return for him taking on the debt.

To file or not.... I know you want him to be responsible for this. HOWEVER, you need to focus on YOU and what will be best for you long-term. Sometimes, the first person to file wins. You set the terms, ie. what are the grounds? When does the clock start ticking? Plus, there are major financial repercussions in many states. For example, in PA as soon as one person files, any debts incurred by the other, are the other's responsibility alone. Any gifts or inheritance you receive will be yours alone. This is a major consideration. Plus some states have "cooling off periods."

Also, just because you file, doesn't mean you're divorce right away. Mine took years. In PA you can ask the court to mandate marriage counseling for you and your spouse.

Take good care of yourself and your son. Be good to yourself. Use positive affirmations. I've found "I can do this" to be good for any time I really felt like collapsing.

And just for the worst case... Sometimes they do have happy endings. My mother who had been married for 20 years, and divorced at age 44, got remarried when she was 51. She's very happy. And she really relished the time she had alone after the divorce was done.

You're going to be fine.