Divorce was a year ago, exWH has been gone over two years, I am still stuck. I learned he is moving in with a different woman (not OW) and it has just thrown me for a loop.

I just can't seem to get closure, I still want my "exit interview" and have him explain what happened. I have autopsied, dissected, analyzed and I just can't let it go.

My life is OK, stable, no drama, bills are paid, I don't feel lonely. I can differentiate between my feelings for him vs my feelings for "the marriage". I know that the only advantage to being with him is that he is the father of my children. I loved who he used to be but I don't know him well enough know to know if he would add any value to my life.

I don't date, but I socialize. I don't know where a relationship would fit. I took the time to be alone, learn to meet my needs, learn more about myself, and after this time, I wouldn't know where to put a significant other.

Believer, if you read this, I asked for you because it doesn't seem like your healing was dependant on finding a new love. No offense to anyone else, I just don't know you by name. But it seems like people only declare themselves all better after they are in a new relationship. Please correct me if I am wrong and share your stories of healing.

I am just so tired of not being indifferent to him, how to I learn indifference. I have never fallen out of love with anyone.

I am ready for an action plan. I need homework, journaling, constructive movement and not just the same replaying on old tapes again and again.

Anybody need a project?

Jean,

My marriage is recovered, so you can take my comments for what they are worth from someone who is not either alone or divorced.

When I was very young, I was in a long term relationship (10 years) with someone whom everyone including his family and mine assumed that we would eventually marry once we finished college.

This man was not very nice to me and frequently did things that deeply hurt me. After I finished college, I just kept on waiting and waiting for him to ask me to marry him, it never happened.

I knew that I had to move on with my life and start a career, so I accepted a direct commission in the Army.

I still remember my first home leave while I was still in training. It was Christmas time and my BF picked me up at the airport and spent nearly all his time with me leading up to Christmas eve. On Christmas Eve (which also happens to be my birthday) he was with us when we opened our gifts and he had been thoughtful enough to bring gifts for my family and my two young nieces. But nothing for me.

As the evening progressed, he asked me if I would like to take a walk outside with him. Well, you know, I thought that he was finally going to propose to me and I guess everyone else did as well. Nada, nothing, just a darn walk, no birthday gift, no Christmas gift, just a "I didn't know what to get you."

Right then and there, something in me snapped, although I didn't know it at the time, I started to "get over" him.

I didn't really even know it was happening except one day when I woke up, I realized that I hadn't thought about him in weeks. Over the next several weeks, the realization set in that I no longer loved him. Initially I felt a real loss for losing my love for him. Over time, I came to realize that he would have never loved me the way I needed to be loved and that everyone concerned was better off for our relationship ending.

I hope this makes sense to you. What I believe is that you won't see your personal recovery coming and then one day you will realize that you no longer love and miss him.

Who

My first XH was abusive. When I left, there was all sorts of drama that included me running away 2000 km to an aunt's place with my infant son. Despite how he treated me, I was still very much in love with him, even throughout the nasty court proceedings. My financial situation was horrible and my social life non-existant for quite some time. From my point of view at the time, there was no room for a relationship and to be honest, I didn't miss having one. That lasted about a year.

Then, as WhoMe described, I just moved on. I didn't realize I was doing it until afterwards looking back. It was probably a few years before I could honestly say that I was no longer affected by my X - heck, even today thinking about him raises some emotions though none of them could be mistaken for love.

I think what worked for me then, and what I'm trying to do now with WSTBX is what is described here as Plan B. I had no idea what Plan B was at the time and I was not interested in reconcilliation. But I've seen XH only one time since the divorce and that was accidental. The complete darkness all these years allowed me to heal without being under his influence. Of course it was different for me, XH wasn't adulterous but a dangerous psychopath who I feared for my life and DS's. That does motivate Plan B a little better than adultery when you still have fond memories of a marriage before the A.

I'm working on my modified Plan B with WSTBX, though complete no contact isn't possible at this time the days and events in which we have to meet are numbered. I don't see or speak to him unless absolutely necessary. He still affects me greatly, but I have worked on moving on. I'm seeing someone now - not in a serious relationship way but more as a companion who also experienced infidelity. I'm not ready to commit to anyone or anything and I find it easier to try to live in the present, despite that being against my nature. I think I will feel "recovered" when I start to have hopes and dreams for the future. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Thanks Tabby and WhoMe,

So it seems that what I need to do it just cut off all contact for awhile? He planB'd me for months after he left. I don't know where he lives and he has cut off his phone. I do see him on the weekends when he gets the kids.

Frankly, I would be embarrassed to ask him to not get out of the car. I would hate to admit that I still have feelings for him and that I need to not see him at all. And then there is telling the kids not to talk about him at all. That is really the only contact we have. Him picking up and dropping off on the weekends and the kids telling me about their weekend. The kids don't talk about his GF much because they know it hurts me. But her name gets mentioned every once in a while.

There is no way to go back to plan B without having to explain my reasoning. And having to explain that I am having trouble moving on would seem to give him yet another opportunity to reject me. Trust me, I have reached out so many times just to be shot down. It was something I just kept doing, I guess in an effort to try and harden my heart.

Hey there! I remember you from back when I was first here. (not sure i fyou remember me) I don't come as often as I should--in waves.

Anyway, my xh now is no longer with the OW and is with other women now.

I think I am at a good place--and I have no new person in my life or any takers, either. I have three small kids, 2 jobs, and like you...not sure where it would fit in.

But, like I said, I am at a good place. For me, I know it's not "healed" because the blow we've been dealt is deep and with always in some way be with us--especially when kids are invloved. But I am okay--and I think it's a good place to be.

I think this is just part of the road to becoming the best "you" you can be. I think it's okay tp still grieve the relationship. You have to do what you need to do. But I don't think a new relationship is the answer for moving on. Sometimes I think we just have to choose to do so. I'm big on the power of positive thinking...my XH is horrible to me most of the time (when he is not asking me to date him again!) and I have to consciously choose to be the better person and let the injustices go.)

I hope I've made some sense. Will be thinking of you.

Hi intexas,

I remember the name but not the specifics of your sitch. I feel lucky and maybe you do also that the affair didn't last. Him being with someone new if easier than him being with the OW.

Someone told me that I had my hands full with the kids and to just take it easy. That irks me as Ex has the same kids and he is free to do whatever he pleases. No one is telling him to not date and to concentrate on his kids.

I have to think that you do get a tad of satisfaction in having your ex still asking you out. Maybe there is not as much sting of rejection. What got you to the point that you did not consider him a suitable partner?

Did you avoid all contact with your ex for an extended period of time?

You don't have to explain anything to him. This is for you. Unlike the MB Plan B which is intended to get the WS back, the modified Plan B is to give you your space so you can heal without being repeatedly hurt by your WS. I never sent a Plan B letter. There are no conditions under which I would take him back so there's nothing for him to meet. I just simply stopped calling and doing any of the extras I was doing before (I used to drop his mail off at his work, now I let it build up and if he happens to call, I let him know about it and he can come and get it himself). I have an advantage in that DS is grown and can facilitate his own visitation right down to travel arrangements.

My friend is in a shared custody arrangement and has to see his XWW fairly frequently as a result. He also doesn't contact her for any reason other than essential communication regarding their DD. Even then, if at all possible he communicates through the daycare. She continues to try to be friendly with him. He isn't rude but he doesn't encourage it either and he does her no favours whatsoever even if she asks directly.

I guess it's more of an attitude than anything. I simply refuse to need or want WSTBX for anything whatsoever. I am obliged to certain things (DS's upcoming wedding, for example) but that's all it is - an obligation. I will also see him on the baseball diamond this summer (we play in the same league). It was a decision that tormented me for some time but I decided that I was not going to allow him to affect my life any further - it's my league too. But I won't be on his team and I won't speak with him at games. I don't ask him for favours and I don't grant him any (he does ask occassionally). I speak to him politely like I would to a business associate but that's it.

Perhaps a man can jump in here and share his personal recovery story.

Don't punish yourself too harshly for still having some feelings that are hard to get past. It has only been one year since your D and true feelings are hard to let go of.

I was stuck, just like you, in trying to figure out the "why". I was also getting upset about things my ex would do that would affect the kids.

The stages of grief progressed and I hit the anger stage. I have heard others talk of their anger towards their ex and anger over the things lost and the dreams destroyed and I thought I'd been through it, but in reality I hadn't been through it.

I was very angry for many reasons, but ultimately realized that I was angry at myself.

Recognizing that helped me move forward. I would lay in bed at night, unable to sleep because I kept replaying the same movie in my head over and over.

In this movie I'd go back in time, knowing what I know now, to the day that I came home from the war. In this dream I did everything right. I didn't make the mistakes I made.

I had two outcomes in this dream. One outcome had my WW waking up to the damage and devestation she was causing and would want to work on the marriage and keep the family intact. In the other variation of the dream I would move forward with the divorce and do everything right and come away with my rights as a father secure and my dignity intact.

One day it dawned on me how much mental energy I was wasting on anger. I finally saw how much my anger was hurting me and me only. I was the one with the blood pressure problems over the issue. I was the one losing sleep. I was the one being unproductive at work.

I finally accepted that I would never figure out my WW (now ex) and her motives.

This thinking has progressed and I have come to accept that I will do things differently than she will and that expecting anything positive from her would simply be a pleasant surprised.

I've accepted that she's on her own journey and that it doesn't include me. She's someone else's problem now.

Once I accepted these realities I started to truly focus on improving myself, and that's where I am today.

Turning my energy to me benefits me and it benefits my children. I was rolling around on the floor one afternoon and I was having a great time with my kids. I looked at them and realized that they were all I needed for happiness and that another woman would interfere with my time that I had with them.

Don't get me wrong. I want to date. There's someone in the picture that I like. But it isn't the focus of my life. My kids are my motivation and my priority and reason for existing.

Nothing else matters.

Accepting these things helped move me forward.

You will never figure out why he did what he did. He will likely seek you out someday when he crashes, but he may very well never do so.

Accepting that you will never figure him out will help you tremendously.

I have people ask me all the time, "Why does she treat you the way she treats you when she's the one who cheated?"

"Why doesn't she let you see the kids more if you're a good dad?"

"Do you know how much I would like it if my kid's dad was as involved as you are? Why does she hate you so much when you didn't cheat?"

My answer is always, "I don't know and I'm not going to figure it out. You'll have to ask her for the answer."

Fake it till you make it. Work on improving yourself.

I bet you a million dollars that you will put in the effort to improve yourself, get in great shape, move forward in your career, and become a better person while he languishes in the stupidity that has led him down this road.

Years will pass. You will feel better about your life and you will be happy with the new life you've constructed. Your thoughts and feelings over your ex will disappear.

You will have truly carried on and out of the blue your ex will seek you out in a way you don't expect. But you'll be long gone and have moved on.

It's happened to me personally (with ex GF, not exWW). I've seen it with my friends and I've seen it with my own parents.

The betrayed move on and improve themselves. The betrayers see the changes and recognize what they once left and test the waters.

More often than not, the betrayed have long since moved on and have found love once again.

Those are my 2 cents.

Those are very good cents. Worth way more than that, in my opinion.

Thanks pomdbd3, your post meant alot to me, I appreciate your time in responding to me.

I know. I know. I know. And I hate it too. But I've come to accept that it all really is unfair. It's life. And sometimes we get a horrible blow dealt our way. I have to tell my self "it is what it is" and just choose to move my thoughts somewhere else. Otherwise, I eat myself us with anger and frustration. Case in point: I texted asking if he was sending child support and the CC payment he owes me for the month. I just got the reply: Sucks not to know, huh?" I deal with this all the time from him--it's control issues for him, so I, instead of responding I ignore it--take the high road. But dang it is hard sometimes.




I get no satisfaction out of it because he doesn;t love me. He never really did. He just hates that I am doing okay. It's manipulation, and it took me almost two years to see it in the true light that it is. He will tell me he loves me (after I've asked him to not call) and then go off the next minute in an e-mail about his girlfriend. It sickens me. It's like a game for him, and he hates that he cannot get me back.

I stopped considering him a suitable partner when I realized that he is really so manipulative and never loved me. He doesn't send CS often, is cruel and mean to me, tells the boys things about me, etc. It's a mess. and I have been SO SO SO nice to him through this. Above and beyond. But I know he really loves himslef the most. He is quite a piece of work--he left when I was pregnant and really, the story only goes downhill from there. It's hard writing this about the man I loved, but praise the Lord I am in place where I can see the sitch for what it really is.


No, it never worked for me that way. I have three little ones and no famaily here. And he would have sough tme out if only for the reason to harrass me. I recommend it though. Like now, I do my best to avoid him in every way possible. It wasn't always that way. For awhile there, I'd feed into his conversations, looking for a hint of true caring. It only made me feel like heck. So finally, I got some sense knocked into me and try to only deal with him when I have to. My boys can;t tell, though, because I am always cordial to him in their presence and don;t shun him, etc. It's tough.

Hang in there. this is a long process, and sometimes I wake up thinkig "is this really my life?" But hten I get up and go one more day....and slowly, the days look pretty promising.

Thanks intexas, wow, that text message response would have thrown me in a tizzy, my hat is off to you for being able to rise above it.

I did relate to what you said about the hurt from someone you loved turning into this kind of person.

It is so frustrating talking to my friends or family about my feelings because they can all see that ex is an a$$ and don't understand why I still carry this crap around.

I have realized today that in so many ways, I am so much better off now. And, my sister pointed out, that the only thing that he has bruised is my ego. I need to just see it for what it is: someone that I have very little respect for doesn't like me. Big freaking deal! Yes, I have had to do alot of restructuring but what I have rebuilt is more functional than the original.

Oh, and I realized that I am PMSing so my thought processes are a heck of a lot more dramatic than need be.

I understand. It's nice, though, to have aplace to come back to like MB (which was home for me for like 2 years!) and get some advice, encouragement, etc from people who care...

I'm about to have a devotional time, so I will especially pray for you tonight.

Jean

You were are right on the money to call on Believer because she is the model for personal recovery after an A. But I thought I'd jump in here too. I've been in Plan B for mearly 10 months and like Tabby, I quickly came to the conclusion that I was unwilling to reconcile with my WH so I am simply waiting to file for D in a couple of months.

I think ultimately it just takes time-time away from the pain and cruelty WSs inflict on BSs. I consider myself fortunate in that I was able to do a completely dark Plan B because WH and I have no children because I think it helped me progress faster to moving beyond my WH. I am in awe of those who can get through Plan B and personal recovery with a wayward spouse (or wayward ex).

Because I have had no contact with WH I feel less and less connection with him each day. At first, I thought that finding a new love after the divorce would be the ticket to me completely healing, but now I understand that I need this time as a single person to really accomplish a full personal recovery. So now I'm not in any rush to get involved with anyone new.

A vet asked me when I first posted on MB if I could go back in time would I marry my WH again (before he became wayward of course). And I can tell you the answer to that is no-I'd run like he!!. I have the clarity of mind to say that although my WH had some nice qualties before his A, he is not the life partner I want. Having said that, if he had not had the A we might have been able to be friends even though we could not have remained married. But the lies and cruelty that he inflicted on me during the A (he is still wayward BTW) cut off any possibility that we could remain friends. That is another loss to grieve.

Bottom line-as much as we hate to hear it-it takes time. And one thing I've learned is that each of us have our own path and pace to healing. You will get there.

I guess you didn't get the memo that I AM involved with a guy right now. But I did go four years by myself, and grew to be quite happy with my life. I think it just takes time to get over everything.

I think it must be worse for those who have kids. Ours are grown and out of the home, so I don't have to see my ex. He still comes by and writes me to say how sorry he is. But even the fact that he said he was sorry didn't give me any satisfaction.

Really this is life changing stuff and it takes a long, long time to get over. It does sound like you are doing everything right.

My YD (8yo) just came to me wanting to talk. She doesn't want to move in with the GF (whom ex is still denying is a GF-they work together and are not supposed to date). She has a son that my kids barely know. YD said she just wanted daddy time, not daddy and "GF" time.

I remember how my ex used to talk about his childhood, his dad going from GF to GF and all the live-in step-sibling he had and how much he hated it. In the past 5 years, he has been involved with 5 different women that he had the children around. (Who knows how many he didn't introduce the kids to).

Of course, I cannot discuss any of this with ex and YD already has which feel on deaf ears. So, I just told YD that she could always stay with me on the weekends, she could just go to work with me and we would figure out some other way she could get daddy time. That would mean the end of my one night of not being on mom duty, but that realization helped me shift the focus off my own shelfish hurt and back on to my innocent children.

Hey Believer, Yeah I got the memo (good for you!) but I also heard that you were in real good shape personally when said man came around. You seem to be an expert in personal recovery and I could use any of your wisdom.

Intexas and Jean,

Let me throw a few more cents into the pot: Comments such as "it's all about control for him" and things like that are actually DJs.

You must rise even above that.

You don't know why your ex made those comments.

I say this because I could see my exWW making comments just like you're making, saying things like, "he planned medical appointments to feel in control" or "he only does things for show".

I've heard them all. I too have been accused of wanting to control.

And the mudslinging can be hurled in the other direction as well.

It is bad if he's saying bad things to your kids about you, but comments like the text he sent you should simply not surprise you.

Odds are he'll pay CS. Why? Because he can go to jail if he doesn't.

So you texting him to ask him about it is probably a defensive response on his part.

I'm only saying this because I've experienced this battle from the other end. I hear comments about wanting to feel in control and that I say things to the kids which are simply not accurate.

Accepting that things go on in the other home that you have absolutely no say or control over is a huge step.

Making judgemental comments about your ex shows you're NOT above the fray.

Let other people make the judgements and comments. Your (our) task as the betrayed is to rise above the pain that was inflicted on us, learn from it, and then focus on what is important, which is bettering ourselves and being there for the kids.

Be better than the ex.

I'm saying this as a man who is very guilty of doing exactly what you were doing. But sometimes having it pointed out to you helps you see it.

I say it because I had it pointed out to me many months ago and I've been on the receiving end of the judgements.

I'm sure my ex would draw all the wrong conclusions over some of the conversations we've had. But I don't waste any brain cells wondering about it anymore.

THAT is a great place to be.

Pom--
I almost didn't respond. And as I type this, I am still not sure if I'll submit this. But for some reason I have this thing about being taken the wrong way, and I guess I feel the need to clarify a few things.

In regards to child support, the text was very called for as my ex is months behind in payments. He paid last month, but skipped the month before, and skipped two at the end of 2007. He sells cars now, and has changed jobs frequently, so the payments are through a local registry and not through the services of the attorney general--which means he is not held accountable until I file--which if I did, wouldn't help too much because he changes jobs so much lately. He also pays me the Credit card payment, but I end up making it half the time--i do this since my name is associated with that line of credit, and I have kept my credit good through all of this. And really, he only has to pay $500/month for our three children--so I have gone and got a 2nd job to keep us afloat.

Your comment about rising above seems a little off to me. If my friends and church family who have walked me through this could affirm me in any way, it would be to say I have risen above this. I think maybe you have the assumption that I have told my ex that he just wants control, wants to manipulate, etc....quite the opposite. I might say it on here, because OTHERS have pointed it out to me, but I've never told him that as far as my memory serves me. I am not disrespectful to him--I am well aware that men in general are wired for a need for respect, and even though he is my exh now, I want my end of the relationship to be on high road--because of my faith and for my children.

You are right--I don't know why he says the mean stuff daily that he says, why he drops the kids off at 6:45 am instead of 8:00 am, why he comes late almost every time he comes to get them, why he doesn't pay child support regularly, or we he pretty constantly harrasses me via e-mails, texts, calls, showing up at my door at 10 p.m., etc....but I have been told by outside observers (both here on MB and in my "real Life") that he is very narcassistic, manipulative and controlling. Those are very real behaviors--not just opinions--and I deal with them almost daily, even though he left in August of 2005.

I'm not saying that to sound like a victim, but I think you might have me pegged wrong. And for some reason, that bothers me--maybe because the affair, the fighting to save my marriage, and now the single mom life I live is actually something I am proud of in the way I have handled it with the help of God. I am very open to constructive criticism, but I feel like the things you suggested I have accomplished and continue to accomplish.

And jean--sorry to hijack your thread! I hope today is better day for you!

Same ole, same ole, it's (I'm) not getting any better.

Plan B won't help, the kids talk about their dad and gf and what they do all weekend. I am afraid it is going to start affecting my relationship with my kids. Apparently, I am visibly pained when they talk of dad and GF and they know how uncomfortable it makes me.

GF could be a nice person, I don't know. This week, she sent the girls home with a bottle of meat marinade as the girls mentioned to her that I have been grilling alot. Last week, they came home with half a pie that was left over from their dads.

So, let's say she is a nice person. I feel like a total heel since I just can't move on.

I don't want to be one of those psycho exwives, I just want my family intact. That is not going to happen, I don't know how to mentally transition to the goal of amicable divorced parenting.

Oh, and for the record, this GF is not OW, and for that, I am extremely gratful. She is a relatively new GF that exWH has recently moved in with.