My wife has had 2 physical and 2 emotional affairs in the past 3 1/2 years. The last episode of romantic text messaging and emailing an old high school classmate in January was the last straw for me. Her first affair was with one of my best friends and was devastating to our entire family, divided a Christian school, and caused us to lose our church home. I lost my ministry and almost every friend and close relationship I had. I've never recovered from it. Every time I've made a breakthrough in my recovery, she has done something else to set me back to square one. Now I'm done. I've told her we are finished, we are separated, and I'm planning to see an attorney this week and start the divorce process.

Of course, she is absolutely out of her mind. She tells me she loves me and I am the love of her life. She is going to therapy twice a week to finally deal with her issues, and she is sure we can make it work. She says she will never do it again, that she was faithful and a good wife for 19 years, and that should count for more than these past 3 1/2 years. She is being sweet and kind and patient with me - NOW. But where was this dedication to making it work before? It makes me angrier because it just feels like supreme manipulation on her part. I remain skeptical and unwilling to trust her or gamble my heart on her again.

What do you all think?

well, i don't know your whole story although you registered near the same time that i did.

i guess it depends on what YOU want at this time. god does give us an out with adultery and you have been through it a LOT in 3.5 years. i wonder what set her off after so many years of marriage to suddenly be in affair after affair?

what you could do is a legal separation, in different living situations, and let her PROVE her changes. if you are willing to give her a year say to get her act together through counseling and what not, and show you through actions that her statements are for real. and tell her no slip ups at all. it is all or nothing.

that is one option.

you will know soon enough if she is for real or not.

in the mean time you could work on yourself, go to counseling to deal with her infidelities, etc, and get yourself back to where you want to be.

sounds like the collateral damage was extensive.

mlhb

I think mlhb gave you exactly the right answer. Separation for a specific period of time might help calm the waters. I can understand how angry you must be and how this must feel like manipulation. It would to me.

BUT sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they get motivated to make the necessary changes. Unfortunately, sometimes it is too little, too late. Only time will tell whether she is in it for the long haul or if she is simply yanking your chain.

Since you really need some time for yourself before jumping into another relationship anyway, I like the idea of a separation instead of going directly to divorce. In my state, you are required to live apart for 1 year before filing for divorce (thank God, otherwise I would be divorced now instead reconciling). It doesn't hurt to have a cooling off period.

Is this the first time WW is in counciling? Wait a little then.

Obviously not.

But I agree with the separation. Make her get her sh*t together and get over whatever she's going through, and protect yourself in the meantime.

To answer some of the questions you've posed and fill in some gaps.

- Yes, she has gone to counseling before. Several times. But she would never stick with it. We were separated last year from March to October. When she started going to counseling in the summer, her attitude changed drastically and improved. She moved home, but only after coming clean with me that she had been involved in an affair with the man she worked for while we were separated. She agreed to change her cell phone number and cut off all contact. Then in December she quit going to counseling. In late January I caught her texting and emailing an old classmate from high school. The nature of the one text I saw from him was romantic. She also confessed at that time that she'd had contact with the man from the summer before a couple of times, and that she had cared about him ("loved him") more than she had let on. That is when I essentially quit.

It seems to me she had plenty of time to get serious about getting help and getting her issues worked out. But as long as she knew I would put up with her stuff, she kept doing it and wouldn't deal with her stuff in counseling. Now that she is "so serious" about dealing with it all and handling everything right - it just makes me more angry and resentful. It seems like manipulation and desperation on her part.

well, it sounds like for you it is too little too late. and i can understand that too.

maybe you being serious is the eyeopener she needed. but she will have to make those changes for herself (which she should do anyway) and make them because she NEEDS to become a better person.

maybe you do need to just file and get on with life. if that is what you want then do it. she created the mess, she may just have to now finally deal with the consequences of it.

mlhb

One other question I should answer - what set her off after 19 years? Lots of things! She had many childhood issues - abandonment by mother and father, being raised by grandparents until she was 4, then being taken away and raised with an uncaring father and wicked step-mother. Childhood abuse - verbal, physical, and sexual. She used food to cope and gained much weight while we were married. Then in the past few years her grandparents died (like her real parents), I bought a business and worked long hours, we had a teenager giving us trouble, and then the kicker - she had gastric bypass surgery! The end result of that was losing half her body weight, lots of cosmetic surgery to put everything back where it was supposed to be and - Voila! She now looks like a celebrity! Absolutely beautiful and stunning - men pay attention to her now and she eats it up. It doesn't matter that I'm attractive, a respected professional, in great shape, kind, loving, devoted - the drug of attention ruined her and ruined our marriage. And guess what -none of these SOBs she has gotten involved were even remotely decent men. She is bent on self-destruction and doesn't seem to care what it costs our family. Oh wait, NOW SHE DOES!

Hey Snap...

It aint over until it's over...and I agree with the others. Think...restrain...watch...evaluate BEHAVIOR...You always have the power to go...can pull that card whenever you wish. Sometimes, WS can't get it together...the burden of deciding sometimes falls to the BS unfair, but true.....but you don't lose by watching, especially if there is a strong history. You can even file a "slow burn" divorce....let it being, but slowly...and watch...But, you'll have to continue to work it too to ensure she doesn't lose motivation too...again, sucks, but don't fall victim to a power struggle...Just do what you feel is right, take care of yourself...and think.

Your marriage has gone through a significant evolution over the last few years...Let patience guide the evolution, not anger....

Oh...and, maybe it is manipulation, or maybe it is ambivalence, discomfort, fear, etc....Good coaching can help tease it out and work it through...

I'm "Snaps" wife, the one that he is writing about on this site and posting things about. While some of the things that he writes are true some are not. I don't understand how anyone can give another person advice about their marriage. I would never presume to do so. I'm not in their marriage, seen both sides, seen the love or the care or the fights and the pain. I also would never go to a website discussion forum for advice for my life. But that is just me, the terrible wife that several people feel so knowledgeable about as to pass judgment on sight unseen based on the few brief writings of a hurt man. I hurt him and have always accepted responsibility for my actions regardless of what he has posted here. In the end none of you are invested in anyone's life or marriage but your own. For the record: I'm not manipulating him, I do love him, and want our marriage. Maybe now that he sees this on this "forum" he might believe it with his own eyes. I won't get into what his role or part is in all of this- but he has one. A marriage is 2 people. 2 make it work and 2 make it troubled or fail.

Welcome Greeneyes. Glad you found us. Even though you may not be the type to go to a website for marital advice, now that you are here, I hope you will take some time to read about how to have a wonderful marriage.

There are articles about meeting each other's emotional needs, spending time together, the policy of joint agreement and many more.

Obviously there are some issues in the marriage if you were a good wife for so long. Hopefully the two of you can pull together for a great marriage.

And, Snap, I would post on General Questions II. We always urge people to try to save the marriage so that they can look back in five years with no regrets.

Thank you Believer for the welcome. I am trying to find the answers for what I should and shouldn't do and for regaining my personal integrity and strength from God's word, attending regular service (Mass), from prayer, and from seeing my Christian counselor twice a week and following what she advises. I have read the material on this site and I don't think that I will follow an individual's advice no matter how well-intended or not. I've been reading and searching trying to get some answers for the new and strange way my husband has been behaving and the answers that he has been given. Now I can see that much of what he has told me is a "script" so to speak of what others have posted to him that happen to sit well with him at any given moment. We did have a good marriage for many years, but we are both sinners and have hurts and in life you are forced by whatever means to deal with both. I believe that we should stay together and I am working towards that best as I can- but as you have read, a lot of what transpires in a marriage and in a troubled one even more so, is a matter of perception a lot of time. I just wanted to encourage contributors to be very careful of what they tell someone as you do not know the full story or what all is transpiring. Just be careful- I wish my "SNap" would seek wisdom from the Lord but he is angry and hurt with God. He will need to deal with my husband and my husband with Him. Until then I am prayerful, trying, and loving him.

Snap's wife,

I don't post on here much anymore, so this may be a drive by post.

Right off the bat, I don't like your attitude. You sound DEFENSIVE and BLAMING.

Just so you know, you and your husband were responsible for the state of your marriage, but you were 100% responsible for the cruel and selfish choices that YOU made, alone, to damage your family in this way.

I also think you should stop posting on your H's thread and start your own. He needs to be able to vent about the justified pain and anger he is feeling.

And your H coming here was DEFINITELY, BY FAR, THE BEST THING HE COULD HAVE DONE for your family and himself. This site WILL show him how to have the marriage he deserves. And for you to try to "dismiss" him from getting advice here, shows that you are a manipulative and controlling person, STILL.

Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it.

Snap's wife, again....



That is very normal in a situation like this, AND

he is also angry and hurt with YOU, and for good reason. You do know that it takes YEARS to recover from ONE infidelity don't you? Picture a bomb destroying your world, your house, your heart, everything you love and know. That is what infidelity feels like and it takes years to pick up the pieces.


I bet God is angry and hurt with you too. Maybe you should start there and quit worrying about what Snap does and doesn't do. And you know what else? The founder of this site believes in God too.

Snap, knowledge is what you need. That, and time.

His role had NOTHING to do with your affairs. The problems you two had before you chose to end your marriage with affairs, could have been worked out.

You could have left him and made the same wake up call on him. But no, you took the selfish, cowards, way out and now there is devastation and consequences. And the sooner you stop placing blame and looking at yourself, the better off you'll both be.

You need to see why you feel SO entitled.

And YOU would never get marriage advice unless someone knows everything about you? Maybe you should expand your horizons a little bit. I can almost guarantee you that if there's a chance in hayul to save your marriage, this is the site that will give it to you. You'll see,..... or not.

Mopey-
You don't even know me, my husband, or my marriage. I'm not defensive or blaming and your post to me is an example of what I was intending- you don't know us or our life or our circumstances and for you to be so arrogant in giving out your opinion in not right when you don't have all the information. You don't know me and for you to label me as manipulative and controlling isn't right. I could label you as arrogant, bitter, and opinionated- but I don't even know you from a bar of soap.

I don't smoke crack so your little euphamism was equally unappreciated.

if you truly want to save your marriage greeneyes, and you would like the help of the principles of this board then you will need to do the following:
(1) get your OWN thread. your marriage is in no state right now for you both to be posting or reading each other's threads.
(2)post in the general II area. there is more traffic there. be prepared to hear the worst of it. this is a site filled with people who have been betrayed by their spouse and that pain is like an open wound. you have NO IDEA how painful it is to be cheated on once, the pain of being cheated on multiple times, DESTROYS your self worth and you wonder if you can EVER trust ANYONE again. I know, my husband did it to me.
(3)each of you have your OWN threads and DO NOT READ each others threads. your husband should be able to consider this a SAFE place to come and vent and ask questions without your intruding in on it. if you choose to have your own thread you should have the same from him. when the 2 of you are BOTH actively seeking to work on your marriage and are in a different place THEN you can post on the same thread. you are not there yet.

Bravo if you have finally seen the light. obviously your marriage was not perfect or you wouldn't have sought solace elsewhere BUT BUT BUT.... that is NO excuse for having not just one but several affairs! i don't care how bad your marriage is or was, that is NO excuse. until you have been cheated on you have no idea how it feels. if you wanted out you should have left, gotten a divorce, and then you could have had all the men you wanted. what kind of an example are affairs to your children? i am glad you are in christian counseling. that is good.

you need to understand that you will have to PROVE to your husband your sincerity since you have cried wolf before. writing no contact letters to your lovers, showing your husband all of the measures you are willing to take to make him feel SAFE.. change your cell number, change your emails, change all ways any of your other men could have contact with you. you will have to be an open book and not get defensive when he asks questions.

i hope you are able to find out why you thought having multiple affairs was ok. and that you will read this site and take some of the suggestions offered.

mlhb

and if you don't choose to get help here or to have your own thread i hope you will respect your husband enough to let him come here and get the help he is looking for without your interference and without posting on his thread. he should be able to feel safe here to get the help he desires.

respect his boundaries.

mlhb