I am in a very committed relationship, with a wonderful woman for last few years. While in couples counseling, she starts to have EA with someone she sees occasionally for work. After about 4 weeks it goes PA, and I catch it and confront her about it. She denies anything, so I wait and confront her again 2 weeks later with proof.


She cries and admits it, says he was a predator and she is sorry. Counselor tells me she feels worse about it than I will ever imagine.

I wait 2 weeks and ask her she tells me its over she "laid it all out" to him. Of course I find out a week after that they are still phoning each other a couple times a day, and she says they are "just friends" and INSISTS they haven' been physical since I caught them. ( which I beleive)

I tell her that I cant tolerate her having a friendship with him and since she cant quit her job it needs to be strictly business with him, not even about the weather.


10 days go by and she says "its just business" and they see each other at meetings and then talk for 15 minutes after about how are you doing, are you ok etc etc. I say that is not business is it?

She says his wife found out and they are in counseling now....

I tell her now for the 3rd time she cant talk to him, and she reluctantly agrees its a disrespect to me and his wife would hardly agree to it.

Will she break it off? When? How much longer do I have to wait? Its killing me.

She has lied to you about it before, so why would you believe that she is telling the truth now?

She said his wife knows, I would verify that.

You say she can't quit her job, have you explored all your options, can she transfer to a different department where they don't see each other, can she actively look for another job so she can quit this one?

As long as they have contact with each other it will be very difficult to recovery your marriage.

Send her here to read about NC and why it is so important.

You mentioned that you are in couples counseling. What does your counselor say about the continued contact? If they say anything other than there must be NC then I would find another counselor.

She needs to leave that job. If it's her boss and a large corp complain to human resources that should get OM fired.

Her after meeting chats are not business, they are personal.

WW's are known to lie. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the OMW does not know about the affair. You must expose the affair to OMW and WW parents ASAP. Expose without delay and without telling your WW first. Expose then sit back and wait to see what happens. Odds are the OM will through your WW under the bus.

You are being fed BS, my friend!
She says hs is a PREDATOR but yet she wants to remain friends with him?? Something is wrong with this picture.

You married or just dating this woman?

If you're just dating, then save yourself the heartache for later. It will come.

I have no doubt that you love her, but she will hurt you again.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

If you aren't married, I would kick her to the curb, and if she came back crawling to you and agreed to all your conditions (like leaving her job, no opposite sex friends, complete transparency, access to all phone and email accounts, etc.), I might take her back (but I probably wouldn't). You need to take control of the situation. Right now you are the one trying to get her to stop. You need to reverse the roles and make her try to get you back.

Thanks for your reply.



She has lied to you about it before, so why would you believe that she is telling the truth now?

I agree....



She said his wife knows, I would verify that.

Trying to find her, waiting for cell phone trace.


You say she can't quit her job, have you explored all your options, can she transfer to a different department where they don't see each other, can she actively look for another job so she can quit this one?


She is 5 years away from a pension, she just got into this position in June....I figure tempotation is everywhere, if she can't come to terms with how to deal with it, her location wont really matter.


As long as they have contact with each other it will be very difficult to recovery your marriage.


I agree.


Send her here to read about NC and why it is so important.


The counsleor told her this same thing as well. She did admit to me it was very disrespectful to me for her to have continued the contact, even if on a much reduced status.



You mentioned that you are in couples counseling. What does your counselor say about the continued contact? If they say anything other than there must be NC then I would find another counselor.

She agrees no friends allowed, nothing more than pure business, and they only see each other for business once a week ofr an hour, so there should be no sight other than that.


This last time makes 3 times in a month I have asked her to stop...how long before I am forced into Plan B????

says he was a predator


and she says they are "just friends"

She wants to be friends with a "predator"?

Why would she want a predator for a friend?

committed

Are you married?

If not, then the answer is immediately.

If you are married, then Plan A for as long as you can stand it.

I agree, just so many illogical statements....makes my head spin.

Not married, but own a house together, I have a 16 yr old son with me...



seperating probably would cause financial ruin for both of us, neither can afford the house by themselves.

You will never end the affair unless you expose and WW has NC with the OM.

Many a times I have seen where counciling has been a waste because the WW has not ended the affair. There can be no end while there is still contact.

Why would you possibly want to be with an unfaithful person when you're not married is beyond me.

So you can't keep the house. Big deal.

Not a reason to stay with a cheater.

And you have a son. What are you teaching him by staying?

This is a lesson in why you shouldn't live with someone till you're married. It hardly ever works.

Now you're committed to someone who doesn't deserve the committment and you can't divide property up easily since you can't "divorce".

Sorry, this is going to sound harsh..... but your description of your relationship is an oxymoron. You can't be in a committed relationship without marriage.

No way.

No how.

Learn your lesson about playing at marriage and move on.


Hopefully that mistake will be one you won't make easily again.

Best of luck

I think she's gas-lighting you big time, and the A is still on, and it probably started a lot earlier than you've been told. She thinks he's a predator but still wants to be in touch with him like that? Sorry - that does not compute!

Sorry to say old chap, but while you might think you're in a "committed relationship" with her, she likely thinks quite different of your situation.

If you were M'd, my advice would be plan A, including exposure of the A to the office and the OMW, but as you are NOT M'd to her, my suggestion would be to ask her to leave, because, as nice as she may seem, this is NOT the person you want to get into a lifetime relationship with - she has already demonstrated that to you! Insist that she leaves. And ensure your 16-year old son knows why you asked her to leave. 16-year olds observe and know a lot more than they let on - what do you think your actions now are showing him?

Y'all ain't married?

Then she ain't cheating.


You gotta mess on your hands if you can toss her out.

If you were M'd, my advice would be plan A, including exposure of the A to the office and the OMW, but as you are NOT M'd to her, my suggestion would be to ask her to leave, because, as nice as she may seem, this is NOT the person you want to get into a lifetime relationship with - she has already demonstrated that to you! Insist that she leaves. And ensure your 16-year old son knows why you asked her to leave. 16-year olds observe and know a lot more than they let on - what do you think your actions now are showing him?

I talked with him yesterday and told him some of the issues, he was understanding.

I also talked w her for several hours, possibly there was a breakthrough, time will tell. She was feeling trapped into staying and pressured by me. I offered to let her out free and clear and she didnt take it.

Dude, you're not married so it's not cheating.

You're bringing this on yourself. You've lost nothing in letting her go.

If there is one thing I've learned in my 35 years on this Earth is that there are tons of good women out there and if you don't have kids with someone and they break your trust you should throw them out.

Plenty of good ones out there who will respect you if you respect them.

Why subject yourself to being with someone who shows she thinks it's ok to be with others and wants to play the field.

Man up. Throw her out and focus on your son. You only have a few years left with him before he's gone from your life. Take him to ball games. Play video games with him. Teach him to drive. Go camping with him. Get involved in his school.

Think of the time you're wasting on a woman that doesn't deserve it and of the time you could be spending on your son.

I agree with many other posters here:

If you are not married - consider yourself fortunate!
Respect yourself and get out of that situation! Its hard to build a 'home' when the foundation is faulty from the start!

I have three minors in a 14 yr marriage in which my WW cheated and wanted to remain friends with OM (never transparent and honest).

Her price tag for remaining in contact with OM ....... divorce papers I served on her. It will cost me half my retirement, half the house, and possibly indefinite spousal support.

HOWEVER, I will have my self-respect, future peace, and a clear conscience knowing I tried to hold the marriage together!

What price tag do you place on self-respect and future peace of mind?

Biggest red flag you could ever get before marriage.

If you use your logic and not your emotions, you would realize that if you desire to be in a long term fulfilling marriage you should run away now.