Hello everyone,
I apologize if this million-dollar question had already been made but the search button is not working, as we all know.

Based on your experience, what’s your answer to it?

Thanks!
Julcai

Based on my experience on this board the answer is "Yes" but with a big "BUT" attached to it.

The "but" is this:

The exception is a person who sees the damage they've done and takes the hard steps to change the thoughts and behaviors that ever led them to justify such a thing.

Otherwise I'd say that the cheater will stay a cheater if they never fix what's inside them that led them down that path.

Jul,

I believe that statistics indicate that there is a greater chance of someone cheating again once they have been unfaithful, particularly if they are unrepentant and their BS never found out.

This odds are even worse for serial cheaters.

That said, as many similarities as we see here, I still believe that each circumstance has some unique qualities. I think it is very important to identify the reason the affair happened in the first place and then make the necessary changes within the marriage that will help protect it from future infidelity.

I suspect that no BS would hang around for further punishment if they didn't have some hope that their FWS will be faithful in the future.

Who

I'd like to believe this too...but I have seen too many people here that are willing to hang on to those that have no intention of changing their ways. Many a BS on these boards have become so whipped that the affairs their partners are engaging in are really the least of their problems.

I'd say "Boo me once, shame on you. Boo me twice...shame on ME!".

It depends a lot on the outcome from their "first" time cheating. Did they learn anything from it? Did they TRULY repent it? Or did they "get away with it"?

Maybe once a cheater, possibly a cheater again. But TWICE a cheater? ALWAYS a cheater.

I think it really goes one of two ways.

Either the cheater is and will always be a cheater, meaning there is something flawed within them that renders them incapable of truly respecting another person or considering the damage thier action have on others.

or

they truly view thier infidelity as a mistake and learn from it. I think these people are probably LESS likely to have another A than someone that has never had one is to have thier first.

Does anyone here remember Stillwed?

I think that the above statement certainly is true if the BS was aware of the affair(s) and the WS still continued to betray over and over again.

But in some cases, like Stillwed, her FWH had I think 6 affairs and she only learned of them when she finally caught him in the last one. Once she knew, things changed, he actually saw the damage and pain that he was causing and their marriage did recover.

I do not believe that I would even attempt to recover my marriage if my FWH chose to have another affair, but that is me. Some here have recovered following multiple affairs.

Who

I see your point but am not sure if I agree. I think there are a great number of people out there that would NEVER cheat as a result of their character and integrity. I don't believe and never have that anyone could have an affair. I think some people just would never cross that line.

Good point, WhoMe.

That's why I put that "first" in parenthesis in my first post.

It does depend on what they do the first time that they're caught. I'd also say that if they didn't get caught after several times, it makes it more likely that they'll cheat again only more carefully.

Still's situation was probably the exception, rather than an example of what happens most commonly. Still's WS may have "got it"...but often people who cheat successfully for a long time aren't capable of "getting it".

mk,

I disagree. I believe we're all susceptible under the right circumstances. Affairs are insidious things.

But a person who recognizes that EVERYONE is susceptible to cheating are less likely to cheat than those who say, "I would never cheat."

My ex fell into the latter category and she did, justifying it by saying, "I had already decided the marriage was over." (No one told me that while I was deployed!)

So cheaters justify their acts in their heads. Vows mean nothing to them or they follow that flawed logic to justify their sick behavior.

They don's see their own evil actions until perhaps they get their own medicine one day.

I don't know if I agree that there are many people that would NEVER cheat, that have it ingrained in there character to NOT cheat. Some, certainly. I would say not a very high percentage though, Harley definitely seems to agree as he states we are all wired to cheat if the right (or wrong) circumstance presents itself. I believe there are many, probably even most, that are unlikely to cheat. I don't think many cheaters really start out WANTING to be cheaters, its not something most strive for imo. It is impossible to project everyone out into every scenario that might lead to infidelity. Most non-cheaters probably choose not to get into that scenario in the first place, and that is a big part of NOT cheating, not being in the situation that entices it, most definately.

The only thing you know is that a cheater showed that they will cheat. But, it has to be recognized that of those that haven't cheated, many will. I mean, cheaters come from non-cheaters, right?

For a mate, I'd certainly prefer a non-cheater armed with MB knowledge, no doubt. But, its seemingly the case that this knowledge is acquired through need alone, therein lies the problem, eh? By the time you've armed yourself to prevent infidelity, its already happened!

My biggest question is:

WHat is the logic of MARRYING someone that you had an affair with?
I mean HOW in GOds name could you EVER be comfortable with someone YOU KNOW FIRST HAND can lie and cheat?? Is it ego? What?

Exactly!

Totally agreed.

The only flaw is...when did we ever see an affair partner (WS or OP) that applied logic to their actions in the first place?

When the affair-land fog rolls in, logic is usually the first thing to go missing.

If they were making logical decisions, it probably would have prevented the entire affair in the first place.

Thank you all for your answers. After reading them all, and noticing so many different views, my only conclusion is that getting back with a cheater is a risky decision and one has to decide whether it is worth taking the risk of being deeply hurt again… certainly, not an easy decision to make.

Julcai

I don't buy that... there are exceptions.

I also believe that the answer to whether or not someone can "break the cycle" runs deeper than an outcome. It's about choices, and why we make them. It's about who we choose to be... how we choose to define ourselves. Simple, yet complex.

Ex: I chose not to cheat for 9 years (and my whole life before that - regardless of how short that may have been), was extremely devoted to my W and have loved her very much. Then I started making some less than stellar choices in how I was living my life, cheated and put my marriage on the line... stopped... then when she chose to cheat using what I had done as an excuse as a way to punish me, I made excuses of my own to do it again.

I've since realized what I was doing (with the help of a very good friend here on the MB) and have made a concious decision to never cheat again and KNOW that I can hold myself to that. I can say that with confidence because I understand what I've done, why I've done it, and have made a choice to redefine myself and know that I ALWAYS have a choice.

Not everyone is going to make that choice... and I'm not perfect by any definition of the word. I'm me, and that's plenty good enough. I wanted to make it known that it is possible. That's that.

Thanks for listening.

Laterz.

... or ignorance. The "fog" as it has been put. Not knowing ourselves, or not seeing and understanding the choices we make can allow us to believe in something false or to "live in fantasy".

I believe that's where Plan A and Plan B come into play? Can be a great tool! if you choose to use it...

Once a cheater, always a cheater is not always true.

I was once a cheater- and I got to the bottom of the issues as far as why I cheated and I know I'd never do it again. It's too painful and I've suffered too much guilt over it to ever think about doing it again.

Thank you both for your insights, they're invaluable to me.
Coachwife, Can I ask you how you got to the bottom of why you cheated? I truly believe finding that out is fundamental to preventing new affairs. My husband has not been able to get to the truth and would rather stop himself at excuses such as "I was weak, I let myself go, etc, etc...".

Whatever info you're willing to share will be much appreciated.

Julcai