This is not a new thread for me. This is a separate discussion I would like to initiate.
My FWH admitted an LTA about six weeks ago. We are working on recovery together. This thread is not about me as much as it is about him. I have my own story (Recovery Between Work, School, and Soccer?). I want to help him to find those he can relate to. He reads this sometimes, but he's not much of a writer so I doubt he'll ever post here.
HERE's THE RUB...
Throughout our marriage, my DH has been distant. I was comfortable with the way that he shows emotions because my father was very similar in his emotional expressions. DH is not one to faun, hold hands, snuggle. He shows his love by taking care of you...making sure the car runs well, fixing the roof, mowing the lawn. I've never doubted that he loved me, but he has never shown it very well.
His past is hard. His father left when he was two. His mother remarried SEVEN TIMES with many affairs throughout the marriages. The only man that was steady in his life, his grandfather, died when he was nine. I think it's fair to say that he learned early on not to get too attached to people and that he was safer if he met his own needs and didn't rely on others. He has three younger siblings whom he was responsible for most of the time during his teen years.
Sex was great in the first year or so. Then it tapered off to where it is maybe once a month. I'm willing, but he's not interested. He says that he could live the remainder of his life without sex and be fine. He likes it, but it's not something he feels like he wants enough to pursue it.
We have talked with our MC and he feels like a lot of DH ENs are unknown because he has protected himself from pain by not allowing others to meet them. But DH has a really hard time still with the idea that he has any ENs. We took the questionnaire and his top is Domestic Support...mainly because a clean house makes him less stressed when he gets home from work and he can relax.
He doesn't feel that he needs communication or affection. He doesn't feel that he needs openness and honesty from me. He doesn't need recreational partnership. He really had a very hard time noting anything that he needed from me. He had said many times throughout our marriage that he wouldn't mourn if I left/died...he'd just move on. He said it, not as a threat or in a malicious way (although it was very hurtful), it was more matter-of-fact that he wasn't invested. He said the same thing about me having SF with other men...it wouldn't bother him (although I wonder if this was his subconscious way of feeling less guilty for his A).
The A, we decided, may have been partly a way to escape the ENs that I had. He didn't work at meeting ENs for OW...he admits that he used her for what he wanted and she was so infatuated that she let him without demanding things from him. He actually likened it to a prostitute, except that the majority of his A was conversation...they had sex four times. So then, we see that he does have a need for communication because that's what he got from the A.
I'm at a loss. Any thoughts? Does he need to dig deeper to find those ENs that he has hidden, or are there really Vulcans walking among us? He wants to recover and has worked very hard with me. He feels like something changed in the past six months that has made our relationship feel permanent (like something he would care about if he lost). I wonder if the wall is finally coming down after eleven years of seeing that I'm still here...through good and bad. But I also am not sure how to help him find those ENs.
