I need someone to calm me down.

Back in 2002 when life started exploding, I made a purposeful decision to take up an interest in a hobby area - just a light, feminine, fashion-related subject I could escape to occasionally and get away from the horror.

It's been lovely. There are lots of nice, girly blogs and forums and I've found them a blessed relief for a few minutes every day.

One of the 'stars' of the hobby world announced he was writing a book. He's a good writer; the hobby community was thrilled. Then it turned out he had a co-author, who was a woman, and half his age...and just as the book came out they announced they'd eloped and got married.

Very romantic, apart from the fact that they were both married already, and he had young kids. Turns out that the affair started via cyber-flirting on their respective blogs, and the book was essentially a cover to conduct the affair and disguise it from the spouses, and that the man's desertion and divorce has devastated his ex-wife. They're actually quite proud of their romantic adventure.

So now the Happy Couple are promoting the book, and all over the forums people have been going 'aaaawww...soulmates...meant to be together...lovely couple...'.

This makes me ill. I pointed out on the main hobby forum that these two people seemed to have been married to other people, that at least one family must have been jettisoned in the making of this book, and that buying the book was essentially supporting an affair marriage. I was polite and rational. I didn't call anyone names and I wasn't emotional.

What came back - principally from the male WS - was post after post of vituperation and jaw-dropping personal insults. After him, poster after poster queued up to vilify what I'd said and sneer at how evil and unkind I was being to the poor lovers. The nastiness of what people have posted about me is breathtaking.

The thread is now onto thirteen pages where they're all assuring the writer and his adulterous mate that everyone adores them and the book is just perfect. A moderator warned me I'd be banned if I posted anything so hurtful to the Great Writer again. (No attempts to moderate all the attacks on me, though.)

The last time I looked at the thread, a male poster was congratulating the WH for finding himself a new young mate and accusing me of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'm absolutely stunned.

The sheer vitriol that's been shown is out of all proportion to the original post...and this is towards someone who's always been a quiet, responsible poster.

So I'm left wondering WTF is going on here?

I can see quite clearly I've struck a nerve with the Great Writer, and he's responded like a schoolboy caught stealing someone's lunch money. But the others? What on earth has generated such a tidal wave of emotion? Are they ALL cheating on their spouses?

I'm....speechless. What is happening in the world?

TA

My guess is that the folks who were attacking you have never been on the receiving end of betrayal.

We have been sold the romanticized version of affairs for a long time, and people who have never experienced the devistation buy into the notion that the BSs must have been "bad", otherwise the star crossed lovers would have never been tempted.

Glad you stated the truth. Sad that so many others attacked you for doing so.

I realize you can't post the info here, but still, it would be very interesting if you could...I think the ~gag~ soulmates would get a number of letters from the Family Protection League.

But the next best thing is knowing you spoke out for what was right. It doesn't matter if the majority was against you, you did the right thing.

Bravo!

Mob mentality. Period. The same way riots are started and the genocides of entire ethnic groups. Really yucky, the most evil stuff.

God bless you richly for standing up for what is right and true. You are in very good company. Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Joan of Arc all come to mind.

One of my favorite movies is The Horse Whisperer because it does NOT end the way the book does. In the book, the main characters have an affair. In the movie, the Robert Redford character refuses to have an affair. I don't remember who(director? producer?)didn't like the immorality of an affair but I was thrilled.

Blessings to you,
WH2LE

Wow TA,
I had a very similar experience on a forum dedicated to high end fashion accessories.

I started going to the forum as a distraction during my ex-wh's A, and I too kept going back there because it was a fun outlet for me, and I love anything fashion related...Well, lo and behold, in the general discussion area of that forum the topic came up of a single woman who had accepted an expensive designer handbag from a co-worker who happened to be married...the woman knew the man was married and came to the forum asking if she should keep the handbag or give it back because she wasn't sure if he wanted something other than "friendship" from her. I was utterly shocked by the responses of the participants of the forum...Most people told the woman that she should keep the handbag and consider it a gift because the married co-worker was just being nice to her...Of course I replied that she should give it back, how would she feel if she were his wife, knowing that her husband was spending their hard earned money on a co-worker, buying an EXTREMELY expensive gift like that obviously has strings attached...I went on to point out that it would be inappropriate to keep such a gift...I was hit with all types of posts telling me that there was nothing wrong with her keeping the gift as long as it made her HAPPY..and that I was out of touch.

Sadly, morals and standing up for what's right takes a back seat to entitlement and making ones self happy no matter how it affects other people.

Needless to say, I have found another forum to indulge my interest in fashion accessories.

Thanks for all your replies.

WH2LE, your mention of 'mob mentality' crystalised what it is about the situation that was so troubling. It's not the lack of understanding that's unexpected, it's the speed with which a lynch mob rose up. Because the initial responses were from the WS Great Writer, and because those responses were essentially name-calling and playground taunts, subsequent posters seemed to take this as permission to let out the very worst of themselves.

With most other forums I've taken part in, there's always an element of immature hothead, mixed with wise, calm voices thast weigh in to balance a discussion and stop the whole thing getting out of control. As happens here on MB, the mods act responsibly to keep discussion within limits.

Finding myself quite suddenly in a situation where NO-ONE stepped in with a rational post, and where the mods blamed ME for the lynch mob's behaviour, has been instructive and frightening, This is happening on a silly fashion blog, but what would it be like to be at the mercy of such people in more serious situations?

Another thing... I've had a private emails from other members of the forum expressing support, and apparently on other forums posters have said how much they admire the stand I'm making. But not one of them has posted to the Nuclear Thread to support me in public.

In a small way, it's shown me the truth of the saying about all it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.

TA

Hi-

I've just joined this forum, and the title of this thread caught my eye.

It's never happened to me personally, but I have seen a lot of the same kind of behavior with respect to Fat Acceptance (that is, people who happen to be fat sticking up for themselves). I don't want to turn the conversation here to obesity at all, but just wanted to express sympathy for the attack on you.

I've seen so many examples where someone has objected to a really glaringly obvious misconception, stereotype, or dehumanizing comment in a news article or something similar, only to be attacked by a flood of the most appalling insults and threats. One woman I know was threatened with rape and murder in the comments to such a post on her own personal blog.

It's disgusting and frightening to be attacked like that for questioning people's self-indulgence and self-righteousness. I'm sorry that it happened to you.

It's mind boggling isn't it? There is another marriage forum I used to go to that was like that. One thing that drove me nuts was when someone came there to state they had an affair and it was now over. Then they ask if they should tell their spouse. You would not believe how many people say no! It's the "you would only be telling them to make you feel better. It is over why hurt your spouse more." Sickening.

So, what is the name of the book?

Tolerance! Such a prized virtue! A new sign of sophistication!